Implied character death.

Suho- centric.

Mood: serene (the rain wouldn’t stop pouring here)

The underwater fires in their eyes, too late to say their goodbyes.

Suho's grip tightened on the steel railings of the monstrous cruise ship, bobbing up and down as it traverses the blue black waters of Japan Sea. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, even the weather’s agreeing with the love coming out from the two people in the middle of the makeshift stage- it was Kwon Boa noona’s wedding, and of course every SM artist is invited to witness it in this monstrous cruise ship as it traverses the blue black waters of Japan Sea.

The faint strains of the string quartet playing on his left didn’t do much to cheer up Suho’s mood, he was happy for the newlyweds and all, but that’s the least of his issues now. His other hand is holding a sparkling champagne, he lifts it up to his trembling lips, the alcohol both hot and cold against his throat, he felt the collar of his crisp white undershirt tightened on his neck with every look he gives to the other side of the ship where Kai and Kyungsoo are side by side, elbows touching, too close even for brothers, too close even for friends, too close even for bandmates. Kyungsoo then whispered something into Kai’s ear, and the other lifts his chin up to the heavens and gave out an angelic laugh that Suho can almost hear amidst the string quartet playing on his left. He swallowed hard.

The last year flashed before his eyes.

Being the leader of a nine member unit is hard work, especially for someone who’s just twenty four years old, for someone who had to witness three people leaving, for someone who has to be strong despite harsh words and disbandment rumors, for he is the stronghold that’s binding the other eight members together- he cannot afford to show any weakness.

One by one he saw how the others had taken the last year with great difficulties- from Kai messing dance steps to Chanyeol stuttering when he raps during practice. He saw it on Sehun’s frequent foul mood and Lay’s strange quietness, and one by one he had to deal with it. He did what he can to keep them on track, set their personal issues aside and prove to the world that they are one, now a stronger group that thrives despite endless bashings.

One by one he saw how the others had taken the last year with great difficulties and he had to deal with it. But none of them had hit it harder than Kyungsoo did. Kyungsoo has always been the sweet, gentle guy beyond the tough exterior and the high notes escaping his lungs. At first, Suho had thought that it will be him and Kyungsoo that will pull the group together- being the parental unit and all. But he had been wrong, Kyungsoo has a mother’s heart after all, and he grieves the loss of his three sons.

The first time it started, Suho heard muffled sobbing in the bathroom, blocked by the sound of running water, but he heard it as clear as day, somebody was crying in there. He turned the door knob slowly to soak in the view. Kyungsoo was sitting under the shower, fully clothed, black cardigan lying on the tiled floor. He had his knees pulled up and face pressed on top of it, shoulders shaking, chest heaving as he let out his agony together with the water.

Suho had to step back, unsure of what to do. God knows he wanted to sit beside him and cry too, but he is the guardian after all, he had to be strong. Suho failed to turn off the shower and watch as the other man lift his face up to him, eyes bloodshot. Suho kneeled and hugged him, Kyungsoo hugged him back and he cried some more. Both of them now soaked with water, but Suho couldn’t care less.

Why are they leaving? Kyungsoo asked, his voice shaking.

Things like that happen. He brushed aside some of the hair strands sticking to Kyungsoo’s forehead.

But not to us. Kyungsoo bit his lower lip, trying hard to push back the coming tears.

They stayed like that for a few minutes more and he helped Kyungsoo get dressed afterwards. Kyungsoo insisted sleeping beside him that night, and Suho had to say yes. He cradled his head against his chest until his breathing came to a normal pace. They slept like this for the coming weeks, none of the others asked questions especially his roommate Sehun, somehow they knew. Somehow they knew that everyone has different ways of coping up to problems and loss, this is Kyungsoo’s way of coping up; he just needed something solid- both a rock and a pillow to get him over this. Suho is Kyungsoo’s rock and pillow.

Suho tends to dote on Kyungsoo a lot, everybody’s well aware of this; they’ve been close since trainee days. But then, Suho knew how to keep it in balance, he knew the others need him too. He just can’t get himself to focus his attention on the others right now, for him Kyungsoo needed his attention more.

Days after the bathroom incident, Suho was awakened by a series of shaking from the other side of the bed. He had come to his full senses as he turned and see Kyungsoo crying beneath the duvet.

What’s wrong?

I had a dream about Baekhyun and Xiumin leaving too, it was so real, he breathed in on Suho’s shirt as the older man hugged him to his chest.

Ssshhhh, no one’s leaving. Suho’s comforting voice filled the tiny space between them as he caressed his hair.

Please tell me you will always be by my side. Kyungsoo looked up to him and Suho can see the flickering hope in his eyes despite the darkness of the room.

I promise.

And so the crying has stopped but then another phase has begun, the Kyungsoo- is- always- hungry- at- midnight- phase. It began weeks later, Suho is a light sleeper; he was awoken by a series of movement beside him. Kyungsoo got up, he was positive.

Where are you going? He turned to him, afraid that he might do something drastic.

Kyungsoo was all smiles, shaking the sleepiness off his eyes. That’s when Suho knew he would be alright, Kyungsoo is hopefully getting better. Want some ramen or something?

They found themselves in the kitchen with Suho sitting on a barstool while Kyungsoo started pattering with the sauce pans, his back to him. Suho cannot resist admiring how gracefully he moved, as if he can cook even with his eyes closed. They shared a steaming plate of Bibimbap and Suho saw the happiness and contentment in his eyes despite the rising steam from the plate between them. And then again, Suho knew he would be alright.

The Bibimbap night was followed by a series of midnight escapades- each time a little different. One night they decided to watch a movie, Hello Ghost. It was one in the morning and Kai had walked up on them while he is on his way to the bathroom. He ended up watching with them and bawling his eyes out at the final scenes. Kai leaned on Kyungsoo’s shoulder as tears trickled down his face Kyungsoo was crying too. The movie was heartbreaking after all, yet Suho had to smile, Kyungsoo’s tough exterior falling off in the most ungodly hours.

The last time it happened, Suho was awake and looking at the ceiling when Kyungsoo turned to him, they had been sleeping side by side for about three months now.

You remember when we were in Hong Kong? Kyungsoo started the conversation.

Hmm? He replied as his mind flew in on that particular week in May last year. The tall buildings, the gigantic neon signs with Chinese letters, all sorts of people walking and talking in a sea of English and Mandarin and Cantonese, the concert they had, the adrenaline rush, the humid and misty air. What about Hong Kong?

There was this one time I was out with Lu Han, it was a free night, we had nothing scheduled. So we were driving downtown and found this little place that sells mango sorbet. A smile was creeping along Kyungsoo’s face as he recalled the story.

Mango sorbet? Suho turned to him.

Yes. Best mango dessert I ever had. Aaah we were so full after that, Lu Han ate like four glasses, that was really delicious, we went back to the hotel happy and then we slept rubbing our stomachs. Kyungsoo chuckled.

I know a place like that. Suho muttered, sharing in the happy vibes from Kyungsoo’s voice.

In Hong Kong?

No. In Gangnam- gu. Suho smiled, getting up and pulling a jacket over his head and pocketing his car keys. Come on, we’re going out for a ride if you really missed the mango sorbet that much.

Bless the store ahjumma for being open at freaking two in the morning. It was a corner store in Gangnam district, the black BMW parked on the side walk as Suho and Kyungsoo sit on red plastic chairs, their faces illuminated by the soft yellow light emanating from the lamp post nearby. The kind ahjumma placed two tall glasses of mango sorbet in front of them and Suho saw the angelic grin on Kyungsoo’s face, he felt his heart leaped at the realization that he was the one making him this happy. He was the one making Kyungsoo happy for the last three months.

They ate in silence, and the mango sorbet was nothing like the ones he tasted in Hong Kong but Kyungsoo was happy all the same. They thanked the store ahjumma before leaving. Kyungsoo was pulling on his seatbelt and Suho started driving with the windows opened. The early morning chill creeping up inside the car but Suho found it comforting. Kyungsoo’s right hand was out the window, palms and fingers upwards as if trying to catch air, his eyes closed and he was smiling. Suho looked at him, the pounding in his heart undeniable. The realization hits him like a ton of bricks.

He wouldn’t admit it at first, but the feeling in his heart grew as he looked at Kyungsoo, still smiling, lids shut, right hand swaying ever so gently, face glowing with the road lights. The realization hits him like a ton of bricks- he would do anything to make this man happy. He would do anything to never see him crying underneath the shower again, he would do anything to stop the bad dreams, he would do anything to make sure no one ever leaves again, he would do anything to see him that contented- smiling, eyelids shut, right hand swaying ever so gently with the wind, face illuminated by road lights.

They were in front of the apartment, nobody was moving nor speaking. Kyungsoo was savoring the mango sorbet he just had minutes before, Suho was savoring the novel feeling creeping up his chest. Kyungsoo was the first one to break the silence.

I think I am ready to sleep in my own bed now. He turned to him as the roaring of the car engine stops together with Suho’s beating heart. He wasn’t expecting that.

No, he wanted to protest. Not now, not now when the novel feeling is already creeping up his chest, not now when the realization has already hit him like a ton of bricks. Not now when he needs Kyungsoo beside him, need to feel him breathing and stirring in his sleep. Not now.

Okay, that’s good to hear. Suho said anyway, each word a dagger stabbing his chest. Kyungsoo doesn’t need him anymore.

Suho first noticed it two weeks after the mango sorbet night. They will be having a comeback, they were notified. The mood in the group is slowly returning to normal- excited even. The bad memories of the past months finally being set aside, they have a new priority now, they have something to look forward to. He first saw it while recording; at first he assumed it was normal, Kai was looking intently at Kyungsoo while he was singing along with Baekhyun. The rest of them were outside the recording panels- it was only Baekhyun and Kyungsoo inside the booth. Kai’s stares did not escape Suho, and he felt a tightening in his chest when he saw Kyungsoo looking back at Kai. Their knowing eyes suggesting something that only the two of them knew- as if they are sharing a secret no other member was allowed to be a part of.

Suho dismissed the thought; his judgment is just being clouded by his feelings toward Kyungsoo, he was sure. Of course they are close, they are roommates, and they are bound to have secrets only the two of them knew, a secret no other member will ever be a part of.

The soft, secretive touches and furtive glances didn’t help too; Suho seemed to notice every movement now. How Kyungsoo will rustle Kai’s hair randomly, how Kai will gently lean on his shoulder during car rides, how Kai always manages to sit next to him during meetings, or in TV guestings, how Kyungsoo hits him playfully sometimes, how Kyungsoo has a new sparkle in his eyes that Suho knew wasn’t because of him. Kyungsoo doesn’t need him to be happy now. The nights they shared meant so much more to Suho, he now realized. To Kyungsoo it was just him being the leader and guardian he needs- his rock and pillow.

Suho doesn’t know how to deal with it at first, he is not used to being the weak one, and he managed to stay up despite his insides crumbling. Nobody warned him that loving will be as painful as this; nobody warned him that unrequited love can eat him up from the inside out.

Of course he let them be, he is busy with work too. He chose to ignore the crushing feeling in his heart, and one by one the members noticed. They saw it in Suho’s mismatched steps, the dark circle under his eyes, how he zones off sometimes, and his wanting to be alone. But they chose to let him be, maybe this is Suho’s way of grieving, they thought. Maybe it’s his turn to be lonely; it’s his turn to deal with the sadness about three of them leaving. They cannot always expect him to be the strong one, he has feelings too.

Suho’s line of thought was disrupted by glasses clinking; it’s time to make a toast for the newlyweds. He breathe in the surroundings once again, silver and pearl white ribbons and balloons, tables lined with white roses and stargazers as centerpiece, people in black suits and pale pink dresses, the ice sculpture nearby. Everyone is in a happy and festive mood. Somebody was talking, probably the father of the groom. He was babbling on about the joy of finding true love and how happy he was and how he hopes they will last forever. The bobbing up and down motion of the monstrous cruise ship is making Suho dizzy, up, down, up down. The father is now saying something about soulmates and how they are meant to be from the start, Suho ignored the whirring in his head as he struggled to listen to the speech.

Because seeing her happy makes my son happy too. Somebody, rather, something stabs at his chest again.

Nothing makes us happier than seeing the one we love contented. And to do that we will never be selfish, we will always put their needs first, because that is how we love- selflessly. Another stab.

We will go to the ends of the earth for them, we will even die for them because death is nothing compared to the love we feel. Another stab.

Because lucky are those who find love as easily as they did. Lucky are those who find love without complications. Another stab, Suho felt himself double over in pain. He struggles to keep his eyes open.

With that, Boa-sshi, Junhyung-ah, I wish you both a happy and contented life. Everyone raised their glasses, clinking sounds, the toast is over. Suho looked up on the opposite side of the ship as Kai planted a chaste kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips.

Suho felt the icy pain travel from his chest to his trembling fingertips. He toppled over; the pain was replaced with another sensation- a lighter sensation. He was falling.

He felt the heavy water on his back first, drenching him completely. He lost the glass of champagne he was holding along the way. He looked up at the sky, the sun is blinding beneath his eyes as he was pulled down by a force so strong he couldn’t do anything but to succumb to it.

He struggled to keep his eyes opened underwater, shades of turquoise and sea sprite as he made out the outlines of the monstrous cruise ship. He smiled between shades of aquamarine. They must all be happy up there and nobody remembered me.

Suho knows how to swim but he chose not to, limbs practically numb as the ice cold water seemed to saturate him up to the core of his soul. His skin is pale and blue against the current’s chartreuse and marine colors playing under his eyelids.

Because lucky are those who find love as easily as they did. Lucky are those who find love without complications. The words played over in Suho’s head as his lungs struggled to keep working without air. His eyes started to flutter seeing nothing but colors- light blue, dark purple and plum.

His survival instincts kicked in a bit as he was still merely inches below the current. Up in the monstrous cruise ship he saw people in the balcony, crowding over the steel railings- the ones he was holding onto minutes ago. The joy of the concluding wedding now invisible on their faces- Suho saw traces of worry and panic. He struggled to see but he’s positive somebody was screaming at him, he just couldn’t hear the words from where he is lying down now amidst the moss, ochre, dark purple waters that seemed to be changing colors every time the sun blinks.

And then he saw Kyungsoo among the crowd, face pale and flushed at the same time, hands stretched out to him but too far to reach, Suho’s slipping fast into unconsciousness. His lungs started giving out as he steals one last look into the heavens and into Kyungsoo’s terrified eyes, he smiled weakly beneath the ever changing waters- mint, lilac and now magenta against his skin- he smiled weakly and forgot how to

breathe.