I am a believer of God. God is my saviour. Whenever I pray to Him, I am at ease and I offer everything about me to Him.

I am a strong believer of God. His beliefs are my beliefs, and never in my dreams will I forget Him sacrificing His life for all of us.

I believe in God… until I see Eunhyuk.

            Eunhyuk transferred just this semester. He is from United States, and he is nothing like God. Eunhyuk wears dark eyeliner that highlights the oval of his eyes and brings out his sharp nose and perfectly shaped lips. Eunhyuk always sweeps his black hair to the left side and has at least four piercings, two on his left ear and another two on his right ear. I can never know if he has more than four and I try not to focus on that.

            The bell rings. Eunhyuk strides into the classroom and I notice that he has worn two ear studs and two buttons of his uniform is left unopened. I see the strain of muscle against fabric and I swallow, looking away, trying not to move as he walks to the table behind me and sits with a thump. Teachers never bother booking him and sometimes I want to raise my hand and point out that Eunhyuk is not in proper attire but I do not.

“Alright, we will be splitting you guys into pairs for the upcoming science project. It will be according to register number.” My heart stops for a second and my mouth goes dry. Register number? Wouldn’t that mean- A leg kicks my chair and I almost jump. I turn around slowly, eye focusing on the bridge of his nose instead of the intense look in his brown eyes. “I guess we’re partners, Donghae.” His voice is deep and silky and I don’t know if I am analyzing his voice too much. I nod stiffly. “After school, meet me outside the classroom. We’ll head to my house for the project.”

I look at him, “Your… your house?”

He stares at me until I want to fidget in my seat. Did I see the corners of his mouth go up? “Yes, is there a problem?”

Yes.

“No.” I turn around, breathing heavily through my nose.

            I take a longer time to pack this time, noticing each printed design on my pen until Eunhyuk puts an arm over my shoulder and lean close, so close that I can smell his deodorant. I freeze. “How long more are you going to take to pack?” I push him away a little too fast and cannot help but notice how he barely moved backward a step. Was I originally that weak?

I stuff my pencil case in my school bag and say, “I’m ready.” Eunhyuk nods and turns to walk, one hand in his pocket. I wish I could put one hand in my pocket and look as confident as him. I trail behind him, always stopping a metre earlier whenever he stopped. He never once looked back.

            Ten minutes later and we are at his house. “I never knew you lived so near the school,” I comment, intrigued by the swirling patterns on the wall. Only that particular wall had patterns, while the rest were beige in colour. I realise how quiet his house is. “No one’s home?”

He starts to his uniform and I look away, stomach squeezing. I feel him looking at me and heat rushes to my face. He approaches, four buttons opened. I take a deep breath through my mouth, “I have to go-” He pushes me and I wince, my back hitting the spiral patterned wall. He takes off his blouse and he’s shirtless and I suddenly cannot breathe. I try to remember God’s face but all I can see is Eunhyuk’s face pressing in closer and closer.

“You’re afraid,” He says, and I although he is amused I can hear the tightness in his voice.

“I’m not,” I whisper and I shut my eyes, hating how small I sound.

He chuckles, his breath hitting my face. “You like me.”

My eyes snap open. “I do not. That is impossible.”

            Eunhyuk’s eyes narrow, “Impossible? No one thought being on the moon was possible, and it happened. Anything can happen. And before you even say it, no it’s not wrong; its nature. It’s nature for humanity to explore through foreign boundaries and break through them, that’s why we have airplanes and doctors and god damn religions,”

I swallow, and the believer inside of me thinks of a million retorts from the Bible but then his hand is on my waist and I cannot remember anything. A shiver runs down my spine as the hand around my waist clenches and I know it’s going to leave a bruise.

“It’s still wrong,” I say it without any strength in my voice and I know it is not only because he is so close; it is because I know I have no logic in my words. I am just fighting without reason; I am just fighting for God.

His eyes darken. “Then tell me, how wrong is it for falling in love with a man?”

My eyes squeeze shut for the second time today, and I feel tears rolling down my face. “I… I don’t know.” I mutter weakly.

I hear Eunhyuk’s uneven breaths and I wonder if he is as affected as I am. “A man can kiss a man as passionately as he would kiss a woman.” There is so much sureness in his voice I wonder if he had experienced it himself to know so definitely. He leans in, “And with the right guy, the man would kiss the other man so hard both of them wouldn’t be able to breathe right afterwards.”

            Eunhyuk pulls off the rosary bracelet from my wrist and the beads scatter around the floor. I want to push him off, to pick up the beads and make sure none of them are missing, but his lips are so close to mine and for that moment, just for that moment, I forget that I am a believer of God.

I close my eyes and let Eunhyuk kiss me.