Mood: deep longing

Everything’s great, but not everything’s short

But you live in your halls, and I live in a tour bus

Now I’m in a position to be another stalker

Like everything I say seems to always sound awkward

UNI, Ed Sheeran

Sehun sees Lu Han in everywhere he goes.

Sehun sees Lu Han in everywhere he goes, and he can’t help the tightness somewhere in his chest. He could be in the middle of rehearsing or even on stage when his breath will get caught in his throat and the familiar sound of his voice will pierce through his ears- crisp and clear. Sometimes he needs to stop what he’s doing, close his eyes and wait for the thought to linger some more before disappearing.

Sehun sees Lu Han in everywhere he goes. Or in this case, in whatever he eats.

Like that morning Lay got up early and decided to cook for them, he reached the table and had to stop because the familiar sight of ham and sausage fried rice got him thinking about that day years ago when both of them- bed heads, eyes narrowed from lack of sleep- had woken up too late and ended up eating together, feasting on the left overs of Lay’s infamous ham and egg fried rice, just like the ones he’s looking at right now. He felt the familiar tightness in his chest and decided that he’s not hungry. Sehun opt for calming tea instead, oblivious to the fact that Lay had noticed the sadness in his eyes.

Like that time a week ago, they had a concert at Nanjing, China. The boys were all but dead tired, the adrenaline rush of the just finished concert slowly fading away. One of the SM staff got them something to eat while on the road to the hotel. Chinese takeout- the ones that come in a white box with a red Chinese house printed on the side, Sehun opened his, eager to take a bite just to find out what’s inside- kung pao chicken. Lu Han’s favorite, Baekhyun whispered, giving him a quick look. He felt the familiar tightness on his chest, he felt more tired than ever. Sehun closed the box of food; he suddenly felt the urge to sleep instead, oblivious to the fact that Baekhyun had noticed the deep sighs he gave away.

Like yesterday when Sehun was about to pull on his eye mask for a satisfying sleep. They were already inside the plane back to Korea- business class and all. The cabin crew gave her a smile before placing a drink on the table in front of him. And of all the drinks in the world, it had to be a mint chocolate flavored milk tea. Sehun pursed his lips and tried not to picture the two of them as lanky SM trainees getting bubble tea somewhere near the building, sitting at the back of the shop and talking about their dreams. He gave the cabin crew a tight smile and pulled on his eye mask and earphones anyway, leaving the drink untouched, oblivious to the fact that Chanyeol had been looking at him all along.

Hell, Sehun even remembers Lu Han in the faintest of smells¸ Baekhyun owns a gazillion perfume that made the others sensitive to the differences between them. One time he caught a whiff of Chen’s shampoo and he knew it was the same as Lu Han’s- Menthol and Echinacea from St. Ive’s. He felt suffocated. Instantly, he was transported to that time they went to Disneyland and Lu Han was beside him in the roller coaster and it was the same smell of menthol and some wildflower mixed with his nervousness of heights and the air around them.

Today, he’s beside Baekhyun in the company van, they’re on their way to the apartment and he leaned forward to read something outside the window, Sehun cannot resist asking, What perfume are you wearing today?

Polo Blue.

Same as Lu Han of course, Please stop wearing that.

Baekhyun was surprised, but he understands, he knows, he nodded.

Sehun sees Lu Han everywhere in the apartment, he dreaded coming back. He had grown to like the feeling of constantly moving, being in seven different cities seven days of the week. He dreaded coming back home to the fact that his memory lingers in every corner, making it difficult to breathe and more difficult to sleep. Sehun sees Lu Han in the Sun Tzu wall mount in the kitchen, he sees him in every curve of the Chinese letters, In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity, the wall mount said. Sehun decided to get it off the wall, they don’t need a Chinese proverb anyway; oblivious to the fact that Suho had noticed the awkward empty space where the wall poster used to be.

He sees Lu Han in the bathroom mirrors, the empty spaces in the counter where his stuff had been, now it’s just sickeningly deserted. No one had put anything in that space for months, as if all the members want the emptiness to linger for a long time. He sees Lu Han in his unmade bed in the morning; he can’t help but smile at the thought that he would probably scold him for being too untidy. Lu Han would not tolerate an unmade bed. Sehun decided to leave his comforter and pillows in messy wrinkles, that’s what he get for leaving, he thought.

He sees Lu Han in their 70” flat screen TV, with Xiumin watching football and inviting him to watch the rest of the game, Sehun said no. He felt something tug at his heart when he realized who’s playing- Manchester United- Lu Han’s favorite team. I think Lu Han’s watching this game somewhere, Xiumin turned to him. I think so too, Sehun replied, oblivious to the fact that Xiumin had heard the shaking in his voice.

He sees Lu Han in the mess around him- the unsolved rubix cube under the coffee table, the CDs of Chinese horror movies haphazardly arranged on a shelf, Jay Chou’s Ye Hui Mei album under Kyungsoo’s mini Marshall speakers, and he had to get out of the apartment to get some air in his longing lungs.

He sees him in the joy of the season. Kai was carrying a box of Christmas decorations; they decided to put a little Christmas spirit all over the apartment. Sehun guessed they needed the yuletide spirit more now after what happened midyear. Kai dropped a box of garlands over his bed, get your lazy out of there and stop moping around, he ordered while poking Sehun’s shoulder.

The two of them were busy hanging Christmas balls when a thought dawned on him. He and Lu Han were the ones doing this last year. They even got a day off together to shop for gifts for the others; Lu Han got him leather loafers, while he got him a cashmere sweater. Sehun let out a smile when he remembered the two of them pulling a prank on Kyungsoo by acting as if they have completely forgotten to buy him any presents.

Sehun looked at his reflection on the shiny red Christmas ball he’s holding, Kai was also looking at the ornaments when he let out a chuckle, Remember that epic party last year?, now he’s laughing while shaking his head.

Of course how can Sehun forget?

Lee Sooman throws a party for the artists every year, it was going great really, he remembered having the laugh of his life when Shindong and Minho sunbaenim did some SM artist impersonations, he even sang in the karaoke with Amber and Krystal, did a performance rap with Chanyeol and boogied with Taeyon noona. It was supposed to end in a high note until of course, the Super Junior hyungs needed to bring out the vodka and everything went to hell from there.

He and Lu Han got really drunk that night, he doesn’t remember anything but it was a total embarrassment according to the other members. The both of them ended up making an all-out performance of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”- complete with break dancing, and HunHan moments, some even caught it on video, but Sehun and Lu Han were too embarrassed (and scared) to watch it. That night ended up with Sehun holding mistletoe and trying to kiss everyone. He got to kiss Lu Han too (not sure it this is entirely true, but that is what really happened according to Suho’s account).

I’m never getting that drunk again, Sehun was laughing as he recalled the whole thing.

Please tell me you remembered the morning after, Kai continued to .

The morning after, both of them woke up in the sofa, faces sticky with green and red frosting from the six- layered cake from the party, both looking incredibly hung over and Lu Han almost puked on him. They had to nurse their headache for the whole day, That will never happen again, they both promised

Sehun covered his face with his hands, both he and Kai are now laughing, That was so embarrassing.

Their laughter continued for seconds, and when it finally came to a halt, the empty feeling is back. Of course it will not happen again, there’s no Lu Han to get drunk with, there’s no Lu Han to sing an all-out performance of random Christmas songs with, there’s no Lu Han to messily eat a giant six layered cake with, there’s no Lu Han to kiss under the mistletoe.

The mood in the room turned from cheery to dull, and Kai noticed the emptiness too, he missed the others too. He kicked the box aside and gave Sehun a halfhearted smile, Let the others finish decorating?

Sehun nodded and walked back to his room, oblivious to the fact that Kai noticed the extra heaviness in his steps.

Christmas will never be the same again.

He sees Lu Han in the mouth of strangers, fans asking about their relationship, old videos of him being interviewed about Lu Han, even the EXO staff who likes talking about the old times, talk about the 59- second teaser from way way back, and Sehun had to zone off of the conversation, afraid that his voice might crack, afraid that all his feelings will pour out if he talks about Lu Han in front of this people.

He sees Lu Han in the quiet corners of a crowded room, how when they are rehearsing and he perfected the routine, but Lu Han is not there to congratulate and cheer him up. How Sehun feels the emptiness in the curves of his shoulders, awaiting that familiar softness of Lu Han’s hair to gently tickle his neck, feeling the familiar pang of longing when he realized that Lu Han will probably never lean on his shoulders ever again. Sehun had to stop mid dancing, there’s too much Lu Han in his thoughts to focus on anything else. He gently shook his head and sat at the corner, closing his eyes, oblivious to the fact that the others can see what’s going on inside his head, they know his feelings as clear as day.

And just then, Sehun sees too much of Lu Han to just let it linger that way. He took out his phone and decided to check Sina Weibo because what else is there to do? How do you deal with missing someone miles away? How do you explain that tightness in your chest whenever you think of this someone and know that you cannot do anything to ease the pain?

Sehun patiently waited for the Weibo site to load, mustering the little Mandarin knowledge he had to search for the right profile. He felt the fluttering butterflies in his stomach and his heart literally skipped a bit when he saw it, 12月24日09:06 update, Lu Han posing in front of a camera wearing a baseball cap. The caption reads: Lost, you’re not around. Lu Han was wearing a baseball cap, his baseball cap.

Sehun forgot how to breathe. Lu Han must be missing him too.

Merry Christmas Lu-Honey, Sehun muttered under his breath.