It was over. I ended it. It was me who decided to let go. It was me who freed ourselves from being jailed in this relationship that was about to turn pointless. 

Of course, it's not like I could still pretend that I was strong, especially now that I'm in the confines of this house. I switched on the light. Every corner of the room held a significant memory of us being together. The late night movie date with Jinki where he would eventually fell asleep halfway. The table at which he patiently waited while I cooked breakfast, lunch, or dinner - whenever he wanted. Now that there's no more 'us', this house felt suffocating to me. The place that used to be a sanctuary for me and him, turned to be the place I wanted to badly isolate myself from. 

At the same time, I also didn't want to let go of these memories. Deep inside, I wanted to badly treasure all the times we spent together. The bond that formed although it's temporary. The love we shared although it faded away. No. Mine didn't. My love for him was still here. Intact. Unmoved. Strong. Burning. It's burning to the point of intense pain. I didn't like the feeling, but my heart wanted to drown itself with the pain Jinki had caused me. Being hurt was never a good thing, but because it was him, it was bearable... and consuming. 

I can't stay like this, though. I would need to let go of this as fast as I could. That's why I think going back to the Philippines would help. 7 years of having my life revolved around Jinki are enough. I should make time for myself. To fill up the emptiness of the place he vacated. To make myself whole again. 

However, when I turned a gaze at the window, I realized Jinki had not left. He was still standing there at the same place, looking at my door as if he could still see my back. I noticed he was not blinking at all.

No, please don't, Jinki. Don't give me that kind of face. Don't make me feel like I want to run back to your arms, to hug you and never let you go. I have made my mind and it was not just for me. It was for the both of us. Please, I know you're so nice that you would feel guilty about this but please, don't make me take back what I said. 

Leave. Just leave. Just accept the freedom I have given you. Please don't keep me anymore. 

Then he looked up, and saw me. I was surprised that I had to hide. I couldn't bear it. I didn't want him to have the impression that I wanted him back. Of course I did, I would want to keep him forever. But it won't make us happy. The forever we wished we had would only kill us if we push it. 

I leaned against the wall, doubtful if he did really see me or not. 

And as I was debating whether or not to look again, my phone started ringing. 

It was him. He was calling. 

"Answer it!" Jinki suddenly screamed from outside. He knew I was looking at him and he knew I was just staring at my phone, hesitant to take his call. "Please! Just.. Just answer it!"

"Heyyy... what's with the screaming? You'll wake the neighbors up! I thought you left already?" I answered the phone with my usually cheerful voice. Trying hard not to sob, I was focus on maintaining my cool and showing him that I would really be okay not having him around anymore. Letting him see I'm hurting would definitely just make him push himself to me - despite not feeling the same way anymore.

"Are you really breaking up with me?" He asked, the same way he would ask to confirm if I really didn't love anybody else for the goddamn seven years of my life. 

I bit my lips so hard they almost bleed. I can't sob. I can't let him know I'm crying. I can't make him feel guilty over my own decision. "Yes." I said shortly and let out a soft chuckle. Bitterness was underneath that laugh. "I remember you told me you're not the one to run after someone who leaves you behind." 

"What are you going to do i the Philippines? You have your work here." He insisted. I don't know what he wants, but the idea of him wanting me back is just out of my mind right now. "And I don't think it was right for you to decide for yourself without telling me. Apparently, you thought and planned your leave when we're still together. That's cheating." 

"I admit. I'm sorry. I'm taking full responsibility over this. I'm the one who hurt Lee Jinki. I am the bad person."

"And South Korea never likes hearing Jinki getting hurt. I am well loved by everyone." I peeked at the window and saw him staring up at my direction. He smiled. It's either he saw the curtain moved or he saw my silhoutte that he confirmed I was still hiding. "Don't leave." 

The last two words he uttered made my heart tremble. Don't leave. It's like he still needs me. 

"We can't be together anymore, Jinki." My voice turned serious. I composed myself well. I love this guy. I love this guy more than anybody else, even him, could ever imagine. But I can't gamble our feelings this time. I can't be shaken. "Am I not still clear about it? It won't work. It's not the same anymore." 

"Come out then." He challenged. I couldn't understand him anymore. Isn't he supposed to be happy? I'm setting him free. I'm taking the responsibility of breaking up first when it was not me who fell out of love in the first place. Suddenly, I just couldn't understand what more he wants. "Let's talk further about this." 

"Do you still love me?" I asked bravely, not caring if his honest answer will hurt me further. "The same way as before?"

There was silence on the other line. He was thinking. But I knew the answer right away. If it was a "yes", then he wouldn't take a couple of seconds to answer right away. It's possible that he still loves me, but the fact that he's doubting about it changes all those facts. 

"Do you still love me?" Instead of answering my question, he threw it back at me. "The same way as before?"

More than you could ever imagine. I wanted to tell him that, but I just can't. I chose to kept quiet. 

"You said you don't want to jail me in this relationship anymore. Just 10 minutes ago, you agreed to let me go. What's all this now?" I faked a chuckle again, thinking this is getting ridiculous, and I'm certain I need to end this phonecall as soon as I can because I'm about to breakdown. "I need to rest, Jinki. I have an early flight to Manila before." 

"I'm taking it back." He uttered seriously. "I've never been selfish my whole life, but for the first time I will be. Whether you think of this as jailing you or what, it's up to you, but we're not calling it quits. Fine. I'll let you go back home for now. I won't even see you off tomorrow when you leave. I'm not gonna call you, or message you, or try to communicate once you're away, but this is not the end. I changed my mind." 

"Jinki, why-"

"Go take a rest. Good night and have a safe flight tomorrow." He quickly ended the call, not even letting me speak again. He looked at my direction one last time, and then he started walking back to his car. 

He was not gonna see me off. 

He was not gonna call me, or message me, or anything like that. 

He allowed me to leave him.

But he's not calling it quits. 

At that moment, my heart was confused. What does he want? What was that for? I don't understand. I just need to sleep.