Sometimes, I wonder… what does that make lovers decided to marry? What kind of thing that made them deciding to step further than just lover? I often wonder about that. But then, for me, it was started with letters.

 

Letters…

 

I don’t know whether you frowned or not. But did you know how big the influence of a letter that I sent more than two years ago to my present life?

 

It has changed my life completely. Because of it, I went to Japan, turned to be a full-time writer and a freelance worker on an artist management company as my career… lived with a man who was one of the finest singers in the Japan… and now, it has brought me here with the most beautiful white gown that I've ever seen. I really feel like a princess with this gown.

 

Well, yeah… this is my wedding day. And while I’m sitting on the table, preparing myself for the next wedding ceremony, I dropped my gaze and saw the simple yet beautiful wedding ring that rounded around my left ring finger.

 

And as I see it, I recall my past days.

 

---

 

When I mentioned that I lived with a man, don’t get me wrong. Even though I might live with a man, there was nothing happen between us. It felt like I was home-staying at his place from the very first time.

 

In the beginning, of course I was thinking to move out after I can live independent on Japan. But then as the time goes by, I realized that almost 2 years had passed since I lived with him. Besides, to live with Atsushi-san, it really felt like I was staying with a brother, an older brother to be precise because he was 2 years older than me. Somehow, he always respected me, protected me and treated me as his little sister without a fail. He’s surely the nicest guy that I have ever met. I always feel comfort and saved whenever I’m with him. And that is how good Atsushi-san is for me.

 

One day, as usual I woke early and prepared to cook the breakfast. I always looked to the message board that set on the wall near the kitchen because it was one of our ways to communicate, especially at the time when we couldn’t meet each other; Atsushi always left messages about helps that he wanted me to do for him on the board. But in the most of times, he just left random scribbles that never failed to make me laughs or smiles.

 

And just as I thought, I found his message on the board that asked me to wake him up a little bit early, around 7 in the morning; I guess that he might have some works to do in early morning. But then, I remembered that he had told me yesterday morning if he had interview to do on 10 in the morning. So I just nodded to see the message and went to the kitchen while tying my apron straps on the back. Since I still had time, I started to cook. And when I was done, I glanced to the clock on the wall.

 

It was already 7.13 am.

 

Realizing that I had passed due to wake Atsushi up, I turned off the stove since I didn’t want the soup that I had made became overcooked or burnt, then I walked to Atsushi’s room as I took off my apron; I folded it and put it on the dining table while I passed. I stopped on the door across my room and knocked the door twice before I opened it.

 

I took a peek before opened the door wider; I saw Atsushi was still sleeping. So I walked to the bed and tried to wake him up. Lucky for me, Atsushi was not a type of person who hard to be awakened up in the morning. I just called his name and patted his body for sometimes before I could hear his moan. He moved and turned his body.

 

“Wake up, Atsushi-san.” I said softly to him then went to the window. “It’s already 7.15.” I opened the window curtain and let the sunlight came to the room. I turned and saw him opened his eyes but still sleepy; his sleepy face was never failed to make me smile.

 

Atsushi looked at the table clock then covered his eyes with his lower arm. I noticed that he was heaving. Somehow I could guess if he was sleeping very late in the morning.

 

“I’ve prepared breakfast. So join me for breakfast, okay,” I said as I walked to the door again.

 

“Hmm…”

 

I got a reply from him before I got out from the room. I closed the door and walked to the kitchen again to prepare the dining table.

 

Well, about Atsushi. What I can say about him… But as I had said before, he is a kind and gentle guy who put respect on girls. At least, that was what I can tell about him since I have stayed with him and shared the same apartment for almost 2 years. He always treats me nicely. And how do I describe his look?

 

Physically… well… I really confuse what I have to say. He’s not actually good looking; his partner on his group is much better looking than him. But I’d rather described him as charming. If he used his sunglasses, you’ll probably think that he’s a yakuza or part of gangsters. But when he took off his sunglasses, He looks much gentler. Overall, he’s a sweet and nice guy for me. And he's attractive on his own way.

 

And when I set up rice bowls on the table, Atsushi came and sat on the chair; still looking sleepy.

 

“Got home very late?” I asked as I put the rice bowl on his front.

 

“Yes,” he said then thanked me for the rice.

 

I sat on the chair across him as he talked more.

 

“The recording lasted longer than I predicted. I just got home at 3.” He took his chopstick and said, “Itadakimasu.” He started to eat after that.

 

“But if you really tired, why don’t you sleep a little bit longer?” I asked. “Your interview will be on 10, right? I think waking up on 8 or 9 won’t kill you.”

 

“I want to finish writing a lyric before I go.”

 

“Hoo…” I understood.

 

“But thanks for waking me up.”

 

I smiled naughtily and stretched my palm to him. “Then pay me a salary.”

 

He laughed a bit to hear my joke.

 

Well… that’s how our relation is. Friends, roommate, sometimes siblings, partner-in-crime and on some special occasions I can be his ‘lover’ in quotation marks; perhaps, the latter was another story that I didn’t need to tell. But I felt very comfortable being with him. Sometimes we shared thoughts about everything and also ideas about our jobs.

 

Besides, I was also doing random jobs as his group management staff or projects that his boss asked me to do. Sometimes I can act like his personal assistant and manager more than his own manager. So in that moment, I personally think that I was the only girl who shared very close relation with him, since I know that he doesn’t have any girlfriend or crush.

 

But one day, my editor, Sasaki Yuko, gave me surprising news; she had set up a marriage meeting or omiai for me.

 

The guy was a doctor from a well-known hospital. His age was on his mid 30s. His look was not bad, or I could describe him as handsome, as I saw his profile that Sasaki-san gave me. His name was Yamazaki Kousaku. But honestly, I really didn’t have any interest at all in guys because I was too focused to my works. And when I was ready to refuse…

 

“You’re 28 now. Get yourself a guy, Amalia-sensei.” Sasaki suddenly snapped me.

 

“But…”

 

“Why do you always refuse before you saw the guy?” Sasaki-san said. “Just see him first then decide after that.”

 

I just sighed.

 

Okay, I’m actually a type of person who can’t refuse someone’s request or when they asked me for helps; it was actually something that Atsushi often complained about: that I’m too nice and never able to refuse people in troubles—I could always see him glaring at me when someone started to ask helps at me.

 

But when it comes to guys, I always find extraordinary courage to refuse.

 

The reason for it was mostly because I had always experienced failures in love. In the past, I have fallen in love with a guy and ended up as one-sided love. It happened many times till I have lost counts of it. Of course I had dated; twice to be precise. But those one-sided loves were always become something that I remembered the most.

 

Despite of everything, I still agreed to meet him in person, as Sasaki-san seemed so eager and forced me to see him as soon as possible. So I ended up meeting him in a dinner on the same day.

 

Well, about Yamazaki Kousaku… personally I think he was a good guy with high education and good job. He was also a gentleman, honest and smart too. I could judge it from the way he speak and the way he act toward me or to everyone. Seriously, he was the most perfect man that I have ever met.

 

But still, it was hard for me to like him or to think of him as my boyfriend. And I know that I was stupid just because I still went out and dated with him even though I don’t have any feeling toward him. My sole reason was just because I couldn’t reject him.

 

And one day, when I just got back after having a meeting with Sasaki-san and a dinner with Yamazaki-sensei, I walked in to the apartment just to find scattered papers on the middle room near the piano and books on the coffee table. I frowned to see some messes. Seriously, I really hate to see messes when I was tired; it never fails to make me exploded in anger. And as far as I remembered, I already cleaned the middle room before I went out at this noon. So I really wanted to throw my anger right now. But then I saw Atsushi came out from his room. He saw me and walked to the piano.

 

“Ah, you already home,” he said. “Okaeri.”

 

Well, okay, my anger had suddenly subsided. But instead, I complained. “Why is these place start to mess again? I think I’ve cleaned it before I went out.”

 

“Sorry.” He said as he stopped beside the table to take a note book. “I’ll clean them later.”

 

I just heaved and nodded. I know Atsushi is not actually a messy person, but he will always create messes whenever he’s working. I walked to the dining table to put my bag there and took off my coat. I put the coat on the chair then noticed that there were no dishes on the sink and the sink was dried. I looked at the clock and the time showed late hour already. I turned to see Atsushi who already sat on the piano.

 

“Atsushi-san.” I called him.

 

“Yes?” Atsushi looked at me.

 

“What time did you came home?” I asked.

 

He looked as if he was remembering the time. “Around 4, I think.”

 

“And have you eaten dinner yet?”

 

“Not yet.” He said. “I just take some food supplement pills.”

 

I just couldn’t help but to release a desperate sigh. “Can you please eat properly?” I complained to him as I went to the kitchen. “Even though you’re busy with your jobs, but don’t take food supplement pills for filling your hunger please.” I opened the refrigerator and took out some ingredients. “Food supplements are not good for your health if you consume them very often.” I washed my hands and started to cook something that can be fast prepared. “I don’t want to take any responsible if you get sick again. What if I’m not here anymore?”

 

I didn’t get any replies from him. So I turned to him and found that he was looking at me, smiling to see me fed up with him and then he giggled. I pouted my lips.

 

“Why do you laugh?”

 

“You know. You sound like my wife now,” he said as he chuckled. “Do you have your first day period today?”

 

I gave him sharp glare and took the little decoration teddy doll that lay on the pantry table in the front of me then threw it to him. “Stop teasing me,” I said as I watched him dodging from the doll and laughed when seeing me pissed. “I’m serious, Atsushi-san.”

 

“Okay, okay, okay.” He said as he took the doll. He stood up and walked to pantry table. “I’m sorry.” He put the decoration back to its place.

 

I just exhaled and back to cook as I saw him cleaning up the mess.

 

“But I really forget to eat.” He said.

 

“That’s why I want you to stop neglecting yourself. What will you do if I'm not here anymore?” I said, replying him.

 

Then I stopped as I remembered that I haven’t told him about Yamazaki yet. “Ah, Atsushi-san.” I called him as I turned to see him.

 

“Hm?” He replied as he took the scattered papers from the floor and piled them up.

 

“About a month ago, Sasaki-san asked me to meet a guy and I went to see him.”

 

He stopped moving for a while, but I can’t see his facial expression since he had turned his back on me.

 

“So, how is he?”

 

“He’s a good man.” I said as I turned to my cooking. “He’s a doctor who works at the hospital. I also ever went to his work place. He’s well-respected by his patients.”

 

“So you’re dating with him now?” He asked again.

 

“Hmm… perhaps. We're going out lately,” I said.

 

“Well, it’s good then.”

 

Somehow I felt disappoint with his words. I took a glance at him. He put his papers on the piano and sat then started to work again without looking at me. I just released a sigh then back to my cooking. I really didn’t know why I was hoping that he would object and ask me not to meet Yamazaki anymore. But I knew if Atsushi would never try to do that; we were not even going out. So yeah, I wasn’t suppose to hope for more.

 

“Atsushi-san, the food is ready.” I called him after I had set up the table for dinner.

 

He looked at me. “Ah, okay.” He said then stood and went to the dining table then sat on the chair.

 

Even though I didn’t eat, I accompanied him while he was eating. It was actually a habit of my family. I guess old habit died hard, right? But I really like to accompany him eating.

 

“Are you starting to write lyrics again?” I opened up a conversation.

 

He nodded. “Yes, for new songs.”

 

“So, you will have new single again?”

 

“I guess so.”

 

I gave him a naughty smile. “Don’t forget to give me a free CD with your autograph nee.”

 

He laughed. “Yes. And I won’t forget to ask the other members sign it too.”

 

I only chuckled to know if he really understood what I wanted. I remembered that I have once jokingly complained when I didn’t see his partner’s autograph on their CD that he gave me. Ever since then, Atsushi always gave me CDs with every member’s autographs on it.

 

“Thank you,” I said playfully.

 

One day, I came to the hospital where Yamazaki work. When I walked with him on the hospital park, we met with a little girl, around 10 years old. Yamazaki came toward her.

 

“Eri-chan.” He called her.

 

The girl, Eri-chan, looked up to see him then took off her earphones. She was cute and beautiful girl. Her eyes were rounded and beautiful for me. “Sensei.” She said as she smiled.

 

“How’s your condition today?” Yamazaki asked. “Are you feeling fine?”

 

She nodded eagerly. “I feel fine.” Then she looked at me. “Hmm… sensei.” She looked at Yamazaki again. “Who is she?”

 

“Ah.” Yamazaki looked at me. “Her name is Amalia.”

 

“Your lover?” She asked innocently.

 

Yamazaki blushed to hear the naïve question and took a quick shy glance at me before replying the question. “Well… I don’t think we’ve reached that stage yet.”

 

I just chuckled to see him. Then I saw one of Atsushi’s group CD box lying beside her. I took it and smiled to see it then looked at the girl. “Do you like them?” I asked her.

 

“Yes.” Eri-chan answered me with cheerful voice.

 

I sat beside her. “This album is kinda old.”

 

“I know,” she said as she nodded. “But I really like their songs.”

 

“Hee…” I sounded amazed. “It’s rare to know a little girl who likes them.”

 

Eri-chan just smiled. “My older sister was the one who like them at first.”

 

“Really?”

 

Eri-chan nodded.

 

“How old are you?” I asked.

 

“10 years old.”

 

I smiled. “You’re just as old as this group then.”

 

“I know,” she said. “And my birthday is the same day when they debuted.”

 

“Really?”

 

She nodded and looked proud with it.

 

“That’s great.”

 

“Amalia-san likes them too?” Eri suddenly asked after Yamazaki told us if he wanted to check on the other patient nearby and left.

 

“Well, kinda.” I couldn’t say that I live with one of their members. I always respect Atsushi’s privacy. And even though I knew his secrets, I tried to keep them for myself. But if Atsushi decided to reveal it all, then that would be different matters.

 

“Then, who do you like?” She asked.

 

I thought about it for a while. Honestly, I always like Atsushi’s voice; it has never failed to warm me. But…

 

“Takahiro.” I mentioned his partner’s name. “How about you?”

 

“I like Atsushi-san. He’s so great. His voice is very good.”

 

I just smiled to see the girl told me about her interest with Atsushi and his group. It amazed me to hear her knowledge about Atsushi. She knew so much about Atsushi despite of her young age. Somehow, I felt proud when I heard her rants; proud that I knew someone that very talented and very well-loved by everyone. I and Eri-chan then talked a lot about the group and especially about Atsushi, until a nurse came and told Eri-chan to get rest.

 

“Hai.” Eri-chan replied the nurse in hyper mood then she looked at me. “It’s very nice to talk with you about Atsushi-san, Amalia-san.”

 

I smiled. “Me too.”

 

“Will you come again tomorrow? So we can talk again.”

 

“Well… Amalia-san is a busy person, Eri. She might not be able to come tomorrow,” Yamazaki said; he had come back to join us.

 

“But I think I can,” I said immediately after he spoke. I looked back at Eri. “I’ll come again tomorrow.”

 

The girl smiled again. “Promise?” She stretched her pinky at me.

 

I nodded and linked my pinky finger on hers. “Promise.”

 

“Saa… see you tomorrow, okay.”

 

“Okay, see you.” I said.

 

The girl waived then went away with the nurse. I just looked at her.

 

“You surely know much about that group, right?”

 

I looked back to Yamazaki and replied, “Ah, not really. Not that much. But, yes, I do know about them. I’m also their fan.” It was true, but not entirely true though.

 

Yamazaki smiled because of it. “So writers are also having their own idols, right?”

 

I giggled as I nodded. “Yes.” I went silent. “But can I ask why Eri-chan is here?”

 

“Ah… acute leukemia.”

 

“Huh?” I looked surprised to hear that.

 

“But she’s already fine now.” Yamazaki said. “The marrow implant works for her. She already stable now. It’s already 5 years since she got the implant. So she’s here just to make sure if the treatment is working.”

 

“Ah…” I could only say it. Although I felt relieved, I also felt worried. I was taking science class at my high school. Biology and medical are subjects that I had taken interest at. So I knew a little about the aftereffect of surviving cancers. So, I felt a little bit pity for Eri.

 

“Let’s go.” He said then we were walking away.

 

Later at night, I waited for Atsushi to return home; I actually had a favor for him but I couldn’t ask him by phone. As I waited for him, I spent my time writing at my own room. I left my door slightly open so I could know if he came home. Around 2 am at the night, I heard the front door opened. I stood up from my chair and went outside. I came to the front door and saw Atsushi was there, taking off his shoes.

 

“Okaeri.” I greeted him with a smile.

 

He looked up and smiled to see me. “Tadaima,” he said. “I thought you’re sleeping.”

 

I shook my head. “I’m writing a new story.”

 

He just nodded and stored his shoes on the shoes cabinet. “Sou,” he said as he walked in.

 

He passed me by. I could see that he looks very tired and I also could smell alcohol from him. So I was thinking that he might have drinking session with his friends before he got home. I followed him inside. Atsushi put his bag on the sofa and sat there. He took off his sunglasses and put it on the table then leaned on the back. He closed his eyes and rested for a while there. I walked to the kitchen and prepared a warm tea for him. I walked back to him and nudged him. Atsushi opened his eyes and looked the mug.

 

“Ah, thank you,” he said as he received the mug.

 

“You drink again?” I asked as I sat on the single sofa.

 

“Yes. We were celebrating the Album release,” he said as he leaned forward and put the mug on the table. “But I didn’t drink too much.” He added, knowing perfectly that I could become fuzzy if I saw him drunk. He opened his jacket then took the mug again.

 

“Do you want me to prepare the bathtub for you?” I asked again.

 

He shook his head as he drank the tea. “No,” he said. “I think I’ll take the shower today. I really need quick bath and quickly go to bed. I’m so tired today.” He straightened his body and stretched his back then massaged his left shoulder.

 

I noticed that. “Nee, Atsushi-san.” I said.

 

He just looked at me.

 

“Take a bath now, okay. And, come back here again.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Can you just do it without questioning about it?”

 

He stared at me for a while but then heaved. “Alright,” he said then stood up. He took his bag and glasses then went to his own room.

 

I stood up and took his mug then went to the kitchen. I turned the stove on and warmed up the ginger water that I made last night. Seriously, whenever I saw him looking tired like that, I always wanted to do something for lifting his tiredness because it always made me suffocating to see him hurting.

 

About 20 minutes later, Atsushi came to the middle room again. He came to the dining table and sat there. I came to him and put the mug.

 

Atsushi looked at the mug and frowned then looked at me again. “Did you put something in? It smells different.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not a poison,” I said as I sat on the chair beside him and put the mug that I used on the table. “It will refresh you and warm you.”

 

He took the mug and sniffed it again before looking back at me. “What is it?”

 

“Ginger,” I said. “I mix ginger on your tea. It’s good for cold weather and tiredness.”

 

He just nodded then drank it. “Hum… not bad,” he said then sipped it again. “And it’s refreshing.”

 

“I know, right,” I said as I smiled and stood up. I walked to behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. “I got the recipe from my mom.” I started to give him massage.

 

“Err… that’s good.” He said.

 

I frowned. “Your shoulders are stiff.”

 

“I know.”

 

I just smiled. He went silent and enjoyed the massage that I gave him.

 

“You know what,” he said suddenly. “Who ever get you as a wife will be very lucky.”

 

“Why?”

 

He leaned back and turned to look at me. “You can be a perfect wife.”

 

“Really?”

 

I could see a bitter gaze for a second before he turned back to the table. “Yes…,” he said then went silent. He held the mug and played with it.

 

I just looked at him. I had a feeling that he hasn’t finish his words yet. But it seemed that he didn’t want to continue his speech any further. So I kept massaging his shoulders and back. But only then got stopped when he suddenly held my hand.

 

“It’s fine now,” he said as he leaned back again and looked at me. “Thank you.” He lowered his hand. “You should get sleep now.”

 

I smiled to him. “It’s fine.” I assured him. But drowsiness suddenly kicked in. “But yeah, I need to go sleep now.” I yawned. “I just feel sleepy now.”

 

“Then go to bed,” he said as he gently smiled.

 

I nodded and wanted to take my empty mug on the table. But he stopped me again.

 

“Let me wash them for you,” he said. “Just go to sleep now.”

 

It confused me to see his kindness. It wasn’t because he had never been kind to me, but I somehow felt weird about it. Nonetheless,  I nodded. “Alright. Thank you very much.”

 

I then turned and walked to my own bed. But then, I remember something. So I turned to see Atsushi again. “Atsushi-san.”

 

He looked at me. “Yes?”

 

“About your new single, can I give it to someone else instead?”

 

“Why?”

 

“There’s a little girl on Yamazaki’s work place who like you very much. Somehow, I want to give her your new single as a present.”

 

“Okay. I don’t mind.”

 

I smiled. “Thank you. Good night, Atsushi-san.”

 

“Good night, Lia.”

 

I only smiled to hear his voice behind me before I walked toward my own room. Somehow, I always love his way of calling my name.

 

On the next morning, when I wanted to make breakfast, Atsushi came out from his own room and walked to me. I saw him came closer when I tied up my hair. It surprised me to see him already waking up like this.

 

“Ah, you wake early,” I said.

 

“Can I help you with the breakfast?” He asked as he stopped at my side.

 

“Sure.” I replied him.

 

Atsushi washed his hand and helped me to cook the breakfast.

 

“Lia.” He called me when I deal with the rice.

 

“Yes?”

 

“When will you go to the hospital today?”

 

I stopped and thought for a while. “Probably at noon,” I said. “Why?”

 

“Can I come with you?”

 

I turned to see him. “Hee?” I asked as I giggled.

 

“I have my day off today,” he said. “Because I don’t have any plans for today, I think I can go out with you.”

 

I smiled. “Sure. I don’t mind. Probably we can make a surprise for Eri-chan.”

 

“Eri-chan?”

 

I nodded. “The girl that I told you about last night, the one whom I wanted to give my CD. Her name is Eri. She’s very cute girl.” I told him.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, and I’m sure that you’ll gonna like her when you see her.” I said as I came to him and started to cook something else.

 

Atsushi turned and leaned on the table. “Tell me more about her.” He said as he put both of his hands on his pockets.

 

“She’s a 10 years old girl and born when you released your first single.” I told him. “And she likes you very much. She even knows much about you.”

 

He chuckled. “Really? More than you?”

 

I smiled and looked at him. “Well, I’m the first then…” I joked around. I thought I bluffed myself here. Then I looked at the soup that I made and continued, “… since I live with you.”

 

“Yes, you are.” He said as he giggled then he heaved. “It had almost 2 years, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I really glad to have you as my friend to share this place with.”

 

I looked at him and found that he was looking at me. I smiled. “Me too.” I took the miso bowl and filled it with the soup and put it on the table. I took another one and did the same. “Can you put them on the table and prepare the table?”

 

“Okay.” Atsushi then straightened his body and took the bowls to the dining table. He prepared the dining table for breakfast then we ate the breakfast together.

 

At 11, we went out. Atsushi decided to drive his own car. Before we went to the hospital, I bought flower bouquet for Eri-chan. It seemed that Atsushi also bought another copy of their new single because he suddenly handed a newly-bought CD to me when I came back to the car.

 

“Hee? What that for?”

 

“It’s for Eri-chan,” he said. “So you don’t have to give your copy to her.”

 

I smiled to hear his reason. “Thank you so much,” I said as I received the CD. “But… why did you suddenly do this? I always can give her mine, you know?”

 

He nodded as he drove. “True. But I know that you will probably regret it later if you give one of your collections to her.”

 

I only chuckled, knowing how good he had known me. “Well, yeah, I might regret it afterward.” I looked at him again. “So, thank you for this new CD.”

 

He just smiled.

 

At the hospital, I suddenly stopped and turned when I heard someone calling my name. I saw Yamazaki-san came toward me, smiling. He stopped in front of me.

 

“I just want to call you to ask when you will come to visit Eri-chan,” Yamazaki-san said to me then he noticed Atsushi’s presence. And he seemed to recognize him.

 

I also realized that he looked at Atsushi. “Ah, Yamazaki-san, it’s Atsushi.” Then I looked at Atsushi. “Atsushi, this is Yamazaki-san, the man that I ever told you.”

 

“Ah.” Atsushi seemed to understand. “I’m Sato Atsushi. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“Yamazaki Kousaku.” Yamazaki introduced himself then he looked at me. “You do really know him, don’t you?”

 

“Err…” I found trouble how to explain it to him. I was contemplating. I didn’t really want to expose my relation with Atsushi. But on the other side, I also thought that it might be unfair to Yamazaki if I kept keeping secrets from him. So…

 

“She actually lives with me.”

 

The words suddenly were said and made me turning to Atsushi. How could he suddenly say that?

 

Furthermore, he had exposed his private life.

 

“What?” I could hear Yamazaki’s reaction.

 

“Lia has been home-staying at my place ever since she got into this country. But I can assure you that our relationship is just friends.”

 

“Aahh…” He turned his gaze on me and I could only give him a grin smile. He looked a little bit disappoint about it. But then he just sighed. “You want to see Eri-chan, right?”

 

“Yes.” I said.

 

“She’s at her room right now.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“Come on. I take you there.”

 

Yamazaki leaded both of us to Eri-chan’s room. But somehow, I felt bad with him because I had never told him about the living with Atsushi’s matter. Perhaps, I would need to apologize later.

 

When we arrived at Eri’s room, Yamazaki came first to the room and then called me. I walked in and saw that Eri-chan looked so happy to see me again.

 

“Amalia-sensei.” She said as she gave me her biggest smile.

 

“Hello. How are you?” I asked as I approached her.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

I looked at the table that she used and saw that she was drawing some pictures. “Are you drawing?”

 

“Yes. I’m trying to draw Atsushi-san.” She showed her drawing to me, which I didn’t think that it was any closer to the real one. But I couldn’t tell her that, right? So I only smiled in return.

 

“Nee, Eri-chan.” I called her. “Today, I’ve come to give you a surprise.”

 

“What surprise?” Eri asked me in serious and curious look.

 

I smiled again. “Just a moment, okay.” I then came to the door and peeked out. I saw Atsushi waiting there and I called him. “Come here.” I signaled him to come.

 

Atsushi approached and I pulled him in. “Surprise,” I said as Atsushi revealed himself.

 

Eri-chan dropped her jaw in surprise as she saw Atsushi. She looked at me, speechless.

 

“Good afternoon, Eri-chan.” Atsushi said to her.

 

“Atsushi-san?” Eri-chan asked.

 

“The real one,” Yamazaki said.

 

“Hee?!” Eri-chan seemed surprise. “Why he is here?”

 

“To visit you,” I said as I stood by her side.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because he wants to see you,” I said as I rounded my arm on her shoulder.

 

“But…” She started to sob.

 

“Aww…,” I said as I sat on her bed and hugged her. “Don’t cry.”

 

“But Atsushi-san comes to see me,” she said as she cried.

 

I just smiled to hear that. I think I could understand how she feels right now. I remembered that I could almost cry when I met with Atsushi-san and his group members for the first time, since I started as their fans too before everything happened. Then the girl started to calm but still sobbing. I caressed her hair. Yamazaki went away since he still has some work to do. Atsushi sat on the bed, facing to the girl.

 

“Eri-chan, I have something for you,” Atsushi said.

 

Eri looked at him with her teary eyes. She was still sobbing.

 

Atsushi took out the single and gave it to her. “It’s for you from both of us.”

 

She then took the single and said, “Thank you,” softly.

 

“Lia told me that you’re a fan of me,” Atsushi said. “So she asked me to sign the single for you.”

 

Eri looked at me. She seemed wanting to question my relation with Atsushi.

 

“Actually I know Atsushi-san,” I said, “because we’re friends.”

 

Eri just smiled and nodded before looking back to Atsushi. “But thank you for the gift.”

 

“You’re welcome,” he said then continued, “So… what do you want to know about me?”

 

Eri laughed. Then both of them talked together. I joined them. We spent our time together on that day. But seeing Atsushi played with Eri, I was starting to imagine when Atsushi had his own family. Probably he will act like what he did to Eri-chan. I smiled because of that thought although I felt a little bit envy to the girl who would become his wife.

 

“Why do you smile?”

 

That voice startled me. I looked around and saw Atsushi standing behind me. He was so close. “You’re surprising me.” I sighed in relief.

 

He just smiled. “I want to go out to make a call. Just a moment, okay.”

 

I just nodded then he went away. After he walked out, I came to Eri and sat beside her.

 

“Having fun?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” Eri replied with a big smile. “Atsushi-san is so nice.”

 

I smiled to hear it, feeling somewhat proud. “He is.”

 

“Nee, Amalia-sensei.” She pulled me closer. So I leaned forward to get closer to her. “Are you and Atsushi-san dating?” She suddenly asked.

 

I surprised to hear that kind of question from her. My amusing scoff immediately broke out. “No, I’m not. Why can you think like that?”

 

“Because… I think you and Atsushi-san look good together, even more than when you are with Yamazaki-sensei,” Eri said then she smiled widely. “I mean, if you are his girlfriend, I couldn’t less agree.”

 

I just chuckled with those words. “But too bad, I’m not his girlfriend.”

 

“Aww… but you will be, right?”

 

“No, I won’t.”

 

“Then make that happen.”

 

I just laughed to hear that. “Well, the truth is... I don’t know what will happen in the future. So, let's just see about that later, okay?”

 

I and Atsushi left when the sun has set. When we were at the car, I went chuckled again when I remembered about my conversation with Eri about Atsushi and me.

 

“Why are you smiling?”

 

I looked at Atsushi and saw his was smiling because he saw me chuckled. “Nothing.”

 

“Don’t lie to me. You know that you’re a bad liar, right?”

 

I smiled again to hear it. But Atsushi was right. I was a very bad liar for those who know me well. My feelings are easily shown in front of my friends. “Well… Eri-chan told me that I should be your girlfriend instead of dating Yamazaki-san.”

 

“She said like that?” Atsushi asked as he smiled in disbelieve.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then what did you tell her?”

 

“I told her that I don’t know what will happen to us in the future.”

 

“Good answer.”

 

I nodded. “We might be together.” I then paused, feeling somewhat uneasy with the choice of words that would come next. But I couldn’t stop. “Or we might be finding our own partner.”

 

A silent came after until Atsushi suddenly spoke. “Eri-chan…”

 

I looked back at him. “Yes?”

 

“Will she be alright?” He suddenly asked. “While I was waiting outside, the nurses came to me and told me about her.”

 

I suddenly realized that Atsushi might have known about her sickness. “Well, Yamazaki-san told me that she’s fine now. She’s there for her annual check-up. But it seems that her treatment works.”

 

“Sou ka.”

 

I nodded. But somehow, I still felt concern about Eri. She might have smiled and looked well. But who knows what she hid behind her smile. I was also the type of girl who hid everything behind my smile. So, I could understand her a little bit.

 

But then, I felt a warm hand touched my right hand and grasped my hand gently. I looked that Atsushi held my hand then looked up to him.

 

“Don't worry,” he said. “I’m sure that Eri-chan will be fine.”

 

Seeing Atsushi, I somehow assured. I nodded. “Yes…”

 

I just smiled and saw the street again. Atsushi also took his hand off from me.

 

“Nee, Lia.” Atsushi called me.

 

“Yes?” I looked at him.

 

“Let’s eat somewhere before we get home.”

 

I smiled. “Okay.”

 

“And, one again.” He said.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I think you should help me with the lyrics after we get home later.”

 

I chuckled.

 

“And also the English conversation.”

 

I laughed. “Why?”

 

“I have to perform with foreign artist again.”

 

I couldn’t help but just laughed to hear that. Well, I always taught him to speak in English every time he has free time since I wasn’t Japanese and better than him in English. I must admit that I’m so strict in English pronunciations. But Atsushi was always being a good student for me.

 

“Don’t laugh, Lia.” He said as he blushed.

 

“Sorry.” I said, trying to cool myself down. “But alright.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

But I laughed again after that.

 

Then, few weeks passed from that day. Suddenly I got Sasaki-san told me that I won an award for best selling book for one of my novels and international publisher took an interest with my books.

 

Well… I’ve never thought that the books that I wrote could be that famous. At first, I’ve never care about the sales or stuffs like that since I just did what I like because I love to write stories. I keep on writing with that set of mind. But seeing how my books became so famous now, I was kinda proud with it.

 

On one night, Yamazaki took me out for dinner. He took me to a fine elite restaurant. I was surprised to see how elite the restaurant is.

 

“Are you sure with this?” I asked Yamazaki.

 

“Yes.” He replied me. “I want to celebrate your winning for the bestselling book of the year.”

 

“Ah, thank you.”  I just smiled to hear that. Even though I ever went to high class restaurant before, ah… Atsushi ever took me to this kind of restaurant to celebrate my last birthday, but that restaurant was too much for me.

 

But then, after we were done eating, Yamazaki called me again. I looked at him and said, “Yes?”

 

“Hmm…”

 

He looked nervous then took something out from his pocket. It was a small box. He opened it and gave it to me. I was surprised to see a ring on the box. I looked at him.

 

“Is this…?”

 

He smiled. “Yes, I’m proposing you.”

 

“Yamazaki-san…,” I said as I closed the box; I was ready to reject him. In my heart, I already felt uncertain about being together with him for the rest of my life. “I—“

 

“I have been thinking much about us lately.” Yamazaki cut my words off. “But then I always find myself adore you and love you. I really want to make a family with you. So…”

 

I understood what he meant. But somehow, I had known that I didn’t and I couldn’t love him as much as he loves me. “Yamazaki-san…” I sighed and dropped my gaze. “I…” I didn’t know how to answer him. I exhaled softly and looked at him. “Can you give me some time to think?”

 

“Sure.”

 

That night, I thought for a good answer for Yamazaki’s proposal. But still, I found myself confused with the answer. Within my heart, I knew that I should have refused the proposal; I couldn’t portrait myself being together with him. But I didn’t want to make him disappointed. I really hated to see someone being sad in front of me or because of me.

 

But then… to accept his proposal, my heart somehow refused.

 

All those thoughts made me stressed. I was trying to write a story, but failed. I felt depressed. I closed my laptop lid and went out from my room. I looked up and saw Atsushi on the piano, writing lyrics. I tried to ignore him and went to the kitchen instead. I stopped when I heard him calling my name.

 

“Ah, Lia.”

 

I turned to him and saw him lifting his gaze to me.

 

“I need your advice.”

 

I heaved to calm myself before approaching him. “Yes?”

 

“Which one is better?” He asked as he gave a lyric to me.

 

I took the note book and read the lyric. The lyric was good. It was about love between two people. Atsushi always had great ideas for writing lyrics and I loved every lyric that he wrote because it always had very deep meanings. And honestly, most of the ballad lyrics that he wrote had always warmed my heart. For these past years, I always honored to be the first one who was able to read the lyrics and listen to the song before it was arranged and recorded or released.

 

“The second one is better,” I said as I returned the note book to him. “It has deeper meaning and I really like the sound.”

 

“Really?” He asked as he saw the dribbles on his book, perhaps considering my opinion earlier. “Thanks for your suggestion.” He then made corrections for the lyric.

 

I just looked at him while he was working. I really wanted to tell him about the proposal; I wanted to know his thought about it. But somehow, I found it was so hard to tell him. I dropped my gaze.

 

“Is there any problem?” He suddenly asked.

 

“Huh?” I looked at him again, trying to be innocent so he couldn’t figure out what I had thought about.

 

He looked up to me. “You seem troubled.”

 

I went silent for a moment, still considering telling him or not. But then, I heard that he stood up from his chair and went to the stereo set on the room. I just looked at him as the music. The instrumental version of Kimi ga Iru Kara then started to play.

 

The song was actually my favorite song ever. It also had the most beautiful lyric that he ever made. Whenever I heard the song, my feeling became ease and Atsushi always played it on special occasions or for special reason.

 

I smiled to hear the song as he came to me. “Why do you play this song?” I asked him.

 

“Because you seem troubled,” he replied, smiling.

 

So, he could still see my troubled mind, I thought as I looked to the piano again. But then, I saw Atsushi offering his hand to me. I looked at him again.

 

“May I have a dance with you?” He asked.

 

I just smiled and put my hand on his hand and his shoulder while Atsushi rounded his other hand around my waist. We danced slowly according the song. It was usual for us to dance like that. Actually I always like to dance. I have been danced ever since I can remember; my mother even has pictures of me dancing while I was a toddler. But dancing with Atsushi was the moment that I like the most.

 

“Hmm… you dance well now.” Atsushi commented.

 

A laugh broke from my lips. I do remember that either of us often stepped on each other foot and I don’t know why Atsushi was making great progression in dance besides dancing like his group members.

 

“I’m already used with the steps.” I answered him. “But you’re also guiding me well.”

 

Atsushi smiled widely and twirled me around. When I was back to face him, he pulled me closer until there was almost no gap between us. He also brought my hand to round his neck before putting his hand on my waist. It really confused me because we had never danced like that.

 

But at that moment, I could feel his body warmth; it was somehow comforting and somewhat had saddened me. Honestly, I really wanted to stay like this forever.

 

“Do you mind telling me your trouble?” Atsushi asked softly and broke my thoughts.

 

I looked at him and surprised to find that we were standing so close to each other. Atsushi also looked at me. I could see on his eyes that he was worried.

 

Actually, the words about Yamazaki’s proposal had been there on the edge of my tongue. But I couldn’t bring it out to tell him somehow. “As usual.” I lied as I smiled. But I definitely avoided his gaze.

 

“Your story?” He asked but seemed unsure.

 

I nodded and I looked at him.

 

“Really?”

 

I just smiled and dropped my gaze again, feeling unable to look at him. For seconds, I became silent, considering if I should tell him or not about the proposal. But the thought of lying at him had somehow made me feeling guilty. So I finally decided to tell him.

 

“Well, actually Yamazaki proposed.” I finally confessed.

 

When I told him that, he stopped moving. His hands behind my back were tightened, but not hard enough until he squeezed. It seemed that he was surprised to hear that news.

 

“And your answer?”

 

“I haven’t told him my answer,” I said.

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know what to say to him. Honestly, I’m still not sure about my feeling for him.” I looked at him again.

 

For some times, Atsushi went silent then he lifted his hands to lower my arms from his shoulders; though he didn’t release my hands from his hands. But it felt weird not to have him looking straight into my eyes. “I think…” He paused and dropped his gaze. “I think you should get married with him.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I think he’s good for you.” Atsushi said, avoiding my eyes.

 

Hearing his words, I immediately slipped my hand off from his hand and stepped backward, parting myself from him. Somehow I felt very disappoint with his words. Somewhere deep in my heart, I wanted him to stop me; I really want him to tell me to reject the proposal. But then, all I could show on my face was a smile.

 

“Perhaps you're right,” I said as if I understood.

 

But I was actually lying. I looked at the other way for a moment for hiding my disappointment; to conceal my broken heart. And I really felt like I wanted to cry. But it seemed improper if I didn’t excuse myself from him. So I looked at him again.

 

“Thank you,” I said even though I really want to yell at him that he was so stupid for not understanding my feeling. I quickly turned and went to my room.

 

When I arrived near my room, I heard Atsushi called me. I ignored him and opened my door. I went in and closed the door. Before the door shut, I could see he walked toward me but he was too late for stopping me. I already closed the door and locked it. I turned and leaned on the door. I really disappointed now. I have never expected that Atsushi would tell me to get married with someone else when I felt that he has special feeling toward me. I didn’t want him to tell me like that. I buried my face on my palms. My tears started to fall and I cried.

 

On the next following days, my attentions and thoughts about Atsushi was distracted by the national tour and press conference that I have to attend because of my books. For the whole one month, I rarely came home. But sometimes, I got calls from the other members of Atsushi’s group. But then, Atsushi have never called me.

 

And finally, the tour was done and I came back again to Tokyo. Yamazaki picked me up on the shinkansen station. I just smiled to see Yamazaki came to me when I got off from the platform. He welcomed me with his sweet smile. But exactly I was hoping for someone else picking me up at the station.

 

“Welcome back,” he said when I came to him.

 

I just smiled.

 

“You must be very tired, right?” he said as he took my bag.

 

“A little bit,” I said as I walked beside him. I actually ever went on worse exhausting situation than this one, when I joined the production team for the group’s concerts tour. “Are you not working today?”

 

“I took a day off.”

 

Yamazaki really knew how to make me feeling special. I somehow got praised because he took a moment from his busy time just for me; although I honestly felt a little bit uneasy inside because of it. “Ah, sorry to make you leave your job.”

 

He chuckled. “It’s fine,” he said. “It had been my plan to pick you up. So I'm doing it with pleasure.”

 

I just smiled softly, feeling honored by his kindness. “Thank you.”

 

“Have you eaten yet?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“Let’s get eat then.”

 

“Okay.”

 

But at the restaurant, my phone rang. I took the phone out and opened the flip. I saw Atsushi’s name on the screen. I frowned to see his name but decided to say nothing and answered the phone.

 

“Hello, this is Lia speaking.” I said.

 

“Lia. It’s me, Atsushi.”

 

“Yes, I know.” I said. “What’s the matter?”

 

“Where do you put the medicine for fever?” He asked.

 

“Hum…” I tried to remember. “Have you checked the medicine box?”

 

“I’ve check it but there’s no medicine there.” He said. “Can you buy it for me when you get home?”

 

“Sure.” But then I felt something wrong with him. “Atsushi-san, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” He said.

 

But I know there must be something wrong with him. “Don’t lie to me, Atsushi. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“Nothing.” He said again. “It’s just a slight fever.”

 

I just went silent.

 

“See you at home then. Have fun.” Atsushi said then abruptly turned off the phone.

 

I lowered the phone and turned it off. Hearing how abruptly Atsushi disconnected the call, I felt very uneasy. I was thinking that Atsushi might try to hide something from me. Or perhaps, his fever is worse than it seems. I knew how he often neglected his health for work. I quickly closed the phone flip and looked at Yamazaki.

 

“Yamazaki-san, I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “I think I have to go home now.” I took my bag and stood up. “Thank you for picking me up but I’m so sorry.” I quickly went away without even hearing his reply, dragging my suitcase.

 

I really didn’t care about anything anymore. I stopped a taxi outside and got in. On the journey back home, I stopped on the drug store and bought medicines for fever.

 

On the apartment, I quickly opened the door and walked in. I put the bag on the sofa and the keys also my handbag on the table then walked to Atsushi’s room as I called his name. I opened his door and saw he was lying on his bed.

 

“Atsushi…” I called him again as I walked to his bed.

 

He was sweating and panting. He seemed in pain. I touched his forehead and felt that he had a high fever. I really didn’t know what I felt in my heart. But I did know that I felt sad and it broke my heart to see him like that. I really wanted to cry and angry at the same time. I really hate when Atsushi neglected himself until he got sick like this. I released a big sigh so I didn’t cry. Now I need to make the fever down. I opened my coat and put it on the chair then took a small towel from his drawer. I wiped his sweats then went out to take some ice for his fever.

 

That night, I stayed by his side to take care of him. I knew that I should have taken him to the hospital. But I had a feeling that Atsushi didn’t want to go there. And as I saw him sleeping, I remembered about our past together.

 

I remembered when the first time I stayed on his place. He tried to make me comfort and always acted friendly toward me. He even tried to speak with me slowly because he was afraid if I couldn't understand him if he talked too fast. Then, I remembered about the time when we dance for the first time. It brought smiles on my face when I remembered that he stepped on my feet many times before he could follow my steps and lead me completely. And from the very first time, Kimi ga Iru Kara song was always playing at that moment.

 

I realized that Atsushi’s lyrics had always amazed me and I fell in love through his lyrics for so many times no matter how he is. I think it was how I could stand to stay with him through all these years. I adored him as a musician and also as a man. But with everything that had happened, I really didn’t know how to convey my feeling to him.

 

On the morning, I woke up and found myself sleeping on the side of Atsushi’s bed. My neck and back was stiff since I slept on the sitting position with my head on the bed. I looked to the window and found that it was still dark outside. Then, I looked to Atsushi. I took the towel from his forehead and touched his forehead again. The fever has lowered. I sighed in relief and put the towel on the bowl. I had to change the ices since they already melted. But when I dried the towel, I felt a touch on my arm.

 

I looked at Atsushi and found that he was awaked already. I smiled and leaned my body forward to him. “Good morning.” I said softly. “How do you feel?”

 

“Better,” he said weakly then he touched my cheek. “I thought I was dreaming to see you here.”

 

I just smiled. “But you’re not,” I said softly, almost whispering.

 

His thumb brushed my lower eye lid and frown grew on his face. “Did you stay up late last night?”

 

I nodded.

 

He heaved and lowered his hand. “I’m so sorry to make you worry about me.”

 

“Don't apologize,” I said. “It’s fine for me.”

 

“How about Yamazaki-san? You were with him yesterday, right?”

 

“I think its fine. He will understand,” I said as I straightened my body. “I’ll go and change the ice. Try to rest again.” I took the bowl and stood up then went outside.

 

On the kitchen, I saw the message board and went to it. I saw Atsushi’s schedule and found that he had an internal meeting with his group for their new song. I sighed. I really needed to call the leader of the group later to tell him that Atsushi was sick.

 

After the sun showed his light, I cooked porridge for Atsushi’s breakfast. He ate it then took a medicine. I went out with the empty dishes and put them on the sink. I took my phone on my room and called Hiro-san to tell him about Atsushi’s condition.

 

I dialed his number and put the phone to my ear while leaning on the corridor’s wall. I heard the phone was picked up on the other side and a voice of a man answered the phone.

 

“Hiro-san, it’s me, Lia. Sorry to call you in the early morning.”

 

“Ah. It’s fine. What’s the matter?”

 

“Atsushi-san has an internal meeting today, right, for new song brainstorming.”

 

“Yes, you’re right.”

 

“Hmm… can he skip the meeting just for today?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Atsushi-san is sick. He had high fever. Even though it’s already fine now, but he still needs to rest, at least until tomorrow. So…”

 

Suddenly, someone took my phone away. I turned and saw Atsushi behind me. “Atsushi.” I really didn't expect to see him there.

 

He then pressed the phone against his ear. “It’s me, Atsushi.” He talked on the phone. “Sorry about that. I’m fine now. Lia is just over-reacting.”

 

“No, I’m not. Atsushi, you are really sick.” I protested and wanted to take the phone from him, but he grabbed my hand and blocked me so I couldn’t take the phone from him.

 

I really hate him when he used the advantage of his body height to against me. I knew that I was short; my height just reached a little below his chin. Furthermore, I have shorter arms and legs. That’s why I never can reach anything if he held his hand way up high or he kept it way out of my reach.

 

“Atsushi.” I complained and pouted.

 

Still, he ignored me and talked on the phone.

 

But then, he sighed in defeat. “Alright. I understand.” He then looked at me while giving the phone back to me. “Hiro-san wants to talk to you.”

 

I took the phone. “Yes, Hiro-san?” I said to Hiro while watching Atsushi walked back to his room. Somehow, I felt that he was sulking at me.

 

“Please take a good care of Atsushi. I told him to get rest today.”

 

“Yes. Thank you so much,” I said. “But how about the meeting?”

 

“It can be postponed. But I want to ask you a favor. I need you to work with me again.”

 

“For what?”

 

“New PV for the new song. I need you to make the concept again.”

 

“Ah, I understand.”

 

“I’ll explain to you later. Come to the agency later in noon, okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“See you later then.”

 

“Okay.” I lowered the phone and turned it off. I looked at Atsushi’s room and went there. When I opened his door, I saw him lying on the bed. He looked at me when he heard the door was opened. “Are you angry at me?” I asked him as I walked to his bed.

 

“No. Hiro-san is the one who told me to get rest today.”

 

I just nodded, not to know whether I had to believe his words or not. “Okay then,” I said then wanted to go from his room.

 

But he grabbed my hand. I stopped and looked at him.

 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

 

He patted his bed, telling me to sit on his bed.

 

I sat on his bed, facing to him.

 

“Don’t think that I’m angry at you, okay,” he said. “I can never get angry at you.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“But thank you so much. I think I always keep you worrying about me.”

 

I smiled. “I don’t mind.” I then patted his hand. “But have some rest. Hiro-san wants me to meet him. So I will be out later. But I will be home before dark.”

 

Atsushi only nodded. I stood up and slipped my hand from his then walked out from his room.

 

When I washed the dishes, I was thinking about the menu for today. Then I remembered about something. Atsushi always liked to eat hot homemade nabe when he was sick. It has been a long time since we had nabe at home. Besides, nabe was perfect the cold night of the late autumn or at winter. Then I decided to make nabe for dinner tonight.

 

That night, I went to Atsushi’s bedroom while bringing the nabe pot to the room. I opened the door and saw him already awake but laze off on the bed. He looked at me when I came. He frowned and smiled at the same time when he saw the cart that I brought in.

 

“What’s that?” He asked as he smiled.

 

“Our dinner.”

 

“We’re having dinner at my room?” He asked as I set the cart beside his bed.

 

I nodded. “Yes, since you still need to have plenty of rest.”

 

He chuckled slightly and sat. I took a chair and put it across him. We ate the dinner together on his room.

 

“How’s your feeling?” I asked while we were eating.

 

“Fine,” he said. “I think I’m much better now. Thanks to your care.”

 

I just smiled. “But… please don’t force yourself too hard next time, okay. I was worried to death when I saw that you were sick.”

 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized as he nodded his head.

 

I just chuckled and back to my food.

 

“But…,” he said and made me looking at him again. “Thank you for everything.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

After the dinner, we chatted on his room and joked. I told him about the tour and any interesting stories that happened during the tour. He also gave me massage on my neck. And I didn’t know since when I fell asleep on his bed.

 

But on the next day, I found myself sleeping next to Atsushi, with blanket covered me. I sighed to realize that I fell asleep last night. Well, it wasn’t my first time to find myself waking up beside him. But I really amazed that he never take any advantage from me. I think it was part of his kindness and I really liked him for it.

 

On the next following days, Hiro started to make me busy with the job as a creative producer. I was actively involved during the PV concept’s brainstorming until the final checking. When I have to do the final checking, I have to stay on the office until late to check the final edit before showing it to Hiro. I heard knocks on the door. I turned and saw Atsushi on the door.

 

“Hy…” I smiled faintly as I felt so tired and greeted him.

 

“Still working?” He asked as he entered the room and closed the door.

 

“Yes,” I said as I looked back to the screen. “I’m just checking the final version. I was having a brainstorming meeting for your next concert.”

 

He came to me and sat beside me as I spoke. “Hiro-san really knows how to use your talent, right?”

 

I smiled. “Yes. He really drew all creative ideas out from me,” I said. “But I like this job better than the last office job that I had before.”

 

“Ah, in Indonesia?” He guessed.

 

I nodded.

 

Atsushi looked at the video. “Is that the final version?”

 

“Yes.” I looked at him. “Wanna see it?”

 

“Can I?”

 

“Sure.” I then rewind the video and played it again.

 

“It’s good,” he said. “You’re great for visualized the song into the PV.”

 

I smiled. “Thank you.” Then I looked back to the screen and released a sigh.

 

It seemed that Atsushi saw me sighing, because I could feel his touch behind my back and rubbed my back. I looked at him.

 

“You look very tired,” he said softly. “Wanna go home now?”

 

I exhaled. I thought I’ve reached my limit too. “Okay.”

 

He nodded. “Come on.” He softly patted my shoulder then stood up.

 

I turned off the video and prepared to go home. Atsushi took my bag and waited outside the office room. I joined him after I put the video on Hiro-san’s table. We walked out from the office building. Atsushi looked at his watch while we’re walking out from the building.

 

“It’s already late,” he said. “Should we take the taxi?”

 

“Sure.” I seriously too tired to go against his decision.

 

Atsushi went to the street side and stopped a taxi. He told me to get in first. I got in and he followed. I told the taxi driver our destination. I yawned when the taxi drove away then looked at Atsushi.

 

“Nee…” I called him as I moved closer. “I borrow your shoulder for a while, okay.” I then leaned my head on his shoulder without listening to his answer anymore. But I knew that Atsushi won’t refuse since he understood that I was very tired.

 

I closed my eyes and tried to a nap. After a while, when I almost fall asleep, I thought I heard Atsushi called my name. But I didn’t answer him because I felt very tired. Then I could feel his hand rounded my shoulder and pulled me closer. I thought he was trying to make me more comfortable. But suddenly, I felt a gently and warm lips pressing softly against mine.

 

I was surprised, as I didn’t expect to receive a kiss. I couldn’t do anything as if my body was numb. I could feel my heart beats faster and I could hardly breathe.

 

But at that moment, I realized that I really want to be with him. I realized that I’ve loved him. I really wished that he could say that he wanted me to stay with him with his own lips. I didn’t know how many years that I will spend but I think I’m willing to wait for him.

 

So, on the next day, I went to see Yamazaki on the hospital. He was on the middle of his work when I came. He gave me the signal to wait for him for a while. When he was done with his patient, he came to see me.

 

“Can we talk?” I asked him.

 

“Sure.”

 

Then he took me to the cafeteria. He treated me a drink. While he was leaving, I took the ring box that he gave me from my bag.

 

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

 

I looked up and smiled to see him. “It's fine. Perhaps's I'm the one who should be apologizing for bothering you in the middle of your work,” I said as I saw him put a paper glass of tea in the front of me.

 

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked.

 

I looked at him in silent, inhaled then exhaled to prepare myself. “Yamazaki-san…”

 

***

 

After I watched Lia left from our apartment, I dropped my pen to the table and released a sigh. She didn’t tell me where she will go. But I could guess where she would go.

 

To Yamazaki’s place…

 

When she was first coming to my place and started living with me, I already prepared myself to let her go if she said that she wanted to live independently. I had expected her to move out and break away from me someday. But as days went by, I started to get attached to her. And lately, I was thinking if I could ever let her go from my side.

 

I felt really stupid because I kissed her last night; I really hope that she will never know about what I have done to her last night. But on the moment when she told me that Yamazaki proposed her, I knew that I didn’t want to lose her. I have loved her long before I realized that I loved her. But I couldn’t tell her anything since I felt that she was better to be with Yamazaki instead of me.

 

Yamazaki Kousaku… I heaved as I recalled his name. Honestly, that man had always made me feeling lost ever since I met him for the first time. He has everything. He was good-looking man with nice character, smart, gentleman and has a very bright future. He really has everything that a man could offer. I was sure if he could protect her and take care of her.

 

I remembered when I first found out about her; I read the letter that she wrote to Hiro and to my group. What she had written on her letter had moved me. I somehow felt if this girl had a very big dream and talent; yet couldn’t able to make it coming true. So I told Hiro that I would write back to her.

 

Surprisingly, I then found out that she had talents in writing and creative producing. Her next letter had poked my interest on her. So I tried to find her online and found out that she was actually an amateur writer. When I told it to Hiro, he took an interest on her and eventually invited her over for working with us. So it was why she came to Japan and stayed with me.

 

As long as I knew Lia, she was always being a good and nice lady. She was bright, talented and beautiful with good attitude. She was patient, gentle and smart. I always adore her for her talent, her ideas and her personality; and I do respect her as a lady.

 

Perhaps, you might wonder why I could keep myself from touching her although I had feelings for her. Then my answer would be her innocence.

 

Her age might be only two years younger than me. She might also sometimes act wise and mature. But her mind was always pure and innocent. And even though she always said that she was a bad person, selfish and lacking of confidence, I knew that she always be a gentle, nice and caressing lady. And when she smiled, I always felt obligated to protect her and to keep her away from harm. I also knew that she could be a great wife and mother since she had been taking care of me all of this time. And I had actually grown fond of her presence around me.

 

But I realized that she always stayed on a place beyond my reach. That was why I always felt that I have never can be a man that good enough for her. But then, giving her to Yamazaki was always against from what I have inside of my heart. Lately, I always asked me self whether I can afford to lose Lia or not. And last night, I just showed myself that I really couldn’t afford to lose her. But still, I couldn’t tell her about my feeling to her.

 

I released another sigh as I couldn’t concentrate with my work now. I looked at the clock on the room. It already passed the noon time. I felt that I really need to see Yamazaki. So I stood up and prepared to get out. I left a message on the message board to tell Lia that I will be home late then I went out.

 

On the hospital, a nurse took me to Yamazaki’s room when I said that I wanted to see Yamazaki. When I walked in to his room, Yamazaki seemed surprise to see me but it seemed that he already expected me to come. I nodded at him as he stood up.

 

“Can you please hold my next patients? I have something that more important right now.” Yamazaki told the nurse.

 

The nurse nodded and went out. The door was closed behind her.

 

“Please have a sit.” He told me as he pointed the chair across him. So I sat there.

 

“Well… mind if I said that I feel praised to have a super idol like you came to see me?” He joked as he smiled. “What’s the matter?”

 

“I want to talk about Lia.”

 

For an instant, his smile disappeared and he became serious. “Ah…” He seemed to understand.

 

Then I bowed to him. “I leave her in your care. Please take a good care of her,” I said then straightened my body. “As you see, it’s true that she lives with me. But we’re just friends who share the same place together. And…” I dropped my gaze. “She’s a very nice lady and deserved to be happy. She—“

 

“I was rejected.” Yamazaki cut me in suddenly and made me stopped. He looked at me. “Amalia-san rejected my proposal.” He dropped his gaze. “She came to see me earlier this morning and returned the ring that I gave her. She said that she was sorry because she couldn’t marry me.”

 

“Why…?” I asked.

 

Yamazaki looked upon me and said, “She didn’t give any reason to me. But I think I can guess why.”

 

Suddenly I felt that I was the cause of her rejection. She spent most of her time with me. She also stayed with me while I’ve never tried to ask her out from my place. “But she always sees me as a friend.  I always tell her to stop putting her friends on the first place before her lover.”

 

“Do you really think that she just sees you as a friend?”

 

I went silent. I didn’t have the answer of his question.

 

“Even though I just knew her for some months but I could see that she treats you differently from her friends,” he said. “I guess no one can take your place inside her heart. You’re the most special person for her.”

 

The words that Yamazaki said to me were stuck in my mind. But then when I think back, I thought I could see how her feeling toward me. I didn’t know why I missed all the signs of her feeling; I was so stupid.

 

I came out from the hospital building and tried to call Lia. But her phone seemed to off at the moment. My call went directly to her voice mailbox. I called Hiro-san afterward.

 

“Ah, Hiro-san. It’s Atsushi,” I said when Hiro-san answered my call. “Did Lia come to see you?”

 

“No.” He answered. “Why?”

 

“Nothing,” I said. “Thanks. Sorry for bothering you. See you tomorrow.” I lowered the phone and turned it off then called Sasaki-san as I got in to my car. “Sasaki-san. I’m Sato Atsushi, Amalia-sensei’s friend.”

 

“Ah, Atsushi-san. Hello. How are you?”

 

“I’m fine,” I said politely. “But may I ask is Amalia there with you?”

 

“Well… Amalia-sensei was here before to give her script. But she’s already gone now.”

 

“Did she tell you where she will go?”

 

“Hum… probably she’s going home since she said that she’s very tired today because she worked until late last night,” The editor said.

 

“Ah, thank you very much. I have to go now. See you next time.” I lowered the phone and turned the connection off. I put my phone on the passenger side then my car and drove away.

 

I arrived on my apartment building and tried to call my place. But no one answered my call. I thought that Lia haven’t home yet. I walked out from my car and tried to think where Lia went. Then I remembered that she had a friend from her homeland that was stayed on the housing unit near our apartment. I ever drove her there so I know the place. So I tried to look there.

 

But on my way there, I arrived on a crossroad and saw her there, walking toward me. I felt relief to see her then half running toward her.

 

“Lia.”

 

She looked up and stopped to see me. “Atsushi-san…”

 

“Where have you been?” I asked as I stopped in front of her. “I called you twice but I can’t reach you.”

 

“E?” She seemed surprised but then remembered something. “Ah, I went to see Sasaki-san to give my new script and then went to my friend’s house. And my phone died because the battery ran out. I forgot to re-charge it last night,” she said. “Why were you looking for me?”

 

I released a sigh. “Nothing,” I said as I shook my head. “Let’s go home.”

 

She just nodded then walked with me. For some moments, we just stayed in silent.

 

“Anoo…,” she said finally. “I came to see Yamazaki-san this morning.” She paused. “I said that I can’t get married with him.”

 

“I know. I came to see him too.”

 

“E?” She sounded surprise.

 

“But why do you reject him?” I asked.

 

“I wonder why…,” she said as she didn’t want to say the reason to me.

 

I stopped and grabbed her arm so she stopped too and looked at me. Her rounded eyes looked at me in confusion.

 

“Since when did we start to lie to each other, Lia?” I asked. “I know that I was the one to blame. But if I decided to be honest to myself, will you do the same?”

 

She just said nothing and stared me instead. She looked confused.

 

“Tell me,” I said. “Do you love me?”

 

***

 

When I heard the question from Atsushi, I couldn’t help but just stared at him.

 

Did I love him, he asked me.

 

I really wanted to tell him that I do love him. But then, I thought I can’t bear myself if he said that he don’t love me at all. So I just went silent and avoided his eyes.

 

But then he pulled me and hugged me. I was surprised with his action. I have never thought that he would hug me like that.

 

“Atsushi-san?”

 

“I…” He tightened his hug. “I love you,” he said on my ear.

 

His confession made me more surprised. I have never expected that he would say something like that.

 

“I’ve loved you long before I realized that I love you.”

 

I could feel him deepened his head on my shoulder.

 

“I don’t want to lose you anymore for the second time,” he said then paused. “That’s why I’m asking you to stay with me forever and marry me.”

 

I was shocked to hear his words. I couldn’t believe that he just proposed me!

 

“Atsushi…”

 

“I know that I’m not a perfect man, but I really love you no matter what. And I need you to be by my side.”

 

I didn’t know how much I wish for him to say that he love me. But to propose me, it was too much for me. But he just did. My eyes started to teary. I rounded my hands on his shoulder and hugged him too. I nodded to answer him. He loosened his hug to me and looked at me.

 

“Yes…,” I said softly.

 

He just smiled and wiped the tear that fell to my cheek. He kissed my cheek and hugged me again. “Thank you.”

 

Well… I really don’t know how to say. He already confessed his feeling and I really never have expecting him to propose me.

 

---

 

My mind broke because I felt someone touched my arm and planted a kiss on my cheek. I turned and saw Atsushi behind me.

 

“Atsushi-san…”

 

“Are you having fun?” He asked to me with his smile.

 

“Yes.” I replied him.

 

“The group wants to give us a present.”

 

I looked at the stage where Takahiro stood there with Shokichi. Takahiro smiled and waved at me. Somehow it made me frowned. I looked at Atsushi again. “What present?”

 

Atsushi just smiled. But I could hear Kimi Ga Iru Kara intro was played. I broke into a smile. Atsushi looked at my friends.

 

“Sorry, but can I have my wife back?” He asked to my friends. And without hearing their answers, he looked at me again and asked, “Want to dance?”

 

“Sure.” I replied with a smile.

 

He pulled me to the middle of the room and danced with me. While we were danced, I couldn’t keep my smile. And on some parts of the song, Atsushi sang those parts for me, expressing his feeling. But yes, I have realized for long that the song, Kimi ga Iru Kara, was expressing the deepest feeling that I always wanted to feel after so many years being failed with love in the past. I was hoping someone could turn all the darkness in my heart into the light. And Atsushi had given me it all to me through the song, through the lyric that he had made for it. Perhaps, it was why the song feels special for me. I also realized that I have fallen for him through his lyrics and songs.

 

Then finally he whispers to my ear…

 

“I love you.”

 

Well, what should I say? I really think that my life has been completed ever since I found him. And even though I know that I may find obstacles ahead, no matter how hard it will be, I believe that we can go through them all…

 

Because… he is here by my side.

 

~ooOOOoo~