When someone makes you the happiest and saddest person at the same time, that’s when it’s real.

That’s when it’s worth something.

For Kai, that person was Yoojin. She could make him leap in delight and even send him straight to the pit of misery at the same time. She made him happy, yet devastated at the same time. But no matter how much pain she caused him, he opted to ignore the bad feelings and chose to see all the good things about her. That was all because she was someone he cared about, someone he wanted to cherish and hold dearly. She was someone that he would never put second and he would even listen to her silence when she was too sad to say hello at 3am. She was someone that he would die for.

But above all, it was because he loved her.

Her genuine smile, her long brown wavy hair, her attractive dimples that she claimed to be ugly; he loved everything about her. He loved her so much that he became afraid of his own feelings. He was like an innocent toddler who wondered around a beautiful garden and came across a fetching little butterfly, and desired to lay his finger on its wings but he couldn’t because he was too afraid. He was afraid that if he landed a finger on it, it would fly away or break. She was too beautiful to be broken.

She was his first love and he was worried that if he confessed, he would break this frail friendship that they had because he had already came across the thin line between them. He was afraid that she would forget him and act like nothing ever happened between them. It hurt him so much that he had to sacrifice his feelings in order to retain this friendship but it also made him happy at the same time just at the thought of being around her. Her presence was enough to light up his day. It was okay like this. Kai was okay with the way he was even if he had to love her secretly and hurt himself day by day. It was okay if that meant he could be around her and watch over her every single second rather than not seeing her at all.

The warm sunlight embraced Kai’s already sun-kissed skin that morning. He was definitely taking his time with his steps, a tiny smile lingered on his face as he listened to her whines about her little brother who did a prank on her last night. Nothing could be better than this moment of having Yoojin beside him, her shoulder touching his each time they walked.

“Can you actually believe it, Kai? That freak freaking dipped my precious toothbrush into a cup of white yolk and fish oil! Ugh, i don’t even want to remember about its smell, i thought my nose was going to fall off my face yesterday.” she said while making a disgusted face. Kai smiled at her.

“Oh, come on, Yoojin. I don’t even want to imagine how you will look like without a nose, you will look uglier than you already are.” he earned himself a playful slap from her. Kai let out a small laugh.

“I know that i’m ugly, you don't need to mention it. I watch myself in the mirror almost everyday.” He laughed again looking at her sulky face.

No, you’re not ugly. You’re the most beautiful person in my eyes, Yoojin.

He ruffled her natural brown locks while shrugging, “I was kidding, Im Yoojin. I will definitely give Yunho a headlock during our soccer practice later on for picking on my ugly best friend.”

She nudged his arm and just smiled at his sentence. She didn’t reply anything and he was fine with that because that was just how Yoojin is. She would stop talking if she felt there was nothing else important to be discussed. They continued their walk to school while Kai’s mind began to wonder, how did he manage to befriend such a beautiful, down-to-earth and intelligent person like her?

Oh, he remembered. He started smiling at himself, thinking about the memories.

Their friendship started when they were both in middle school. Back then, Yoojin was a wallflower (she still is) and she used to be very quiet, choosing to talk only to her own circle of friends. She didn’t socialise that much, not caring about going to any parties or clubs when many of their friends at their age spent their time at the said places. She was really pretty, but her beauty wasn’t acknowledged by the students because they only saw her as the school’s wallflower.

But to Kai, she wasn’t. Kai had set his eyes on her since the first day of freshman year. Since then, Kai was so sure that he had fell for her at the very first sight. He was never sure of anything in his life, but that day, that very moment, he felt so determined of his feelings.

Kai had been watching her from afar since then. He had always look out for her in the hallways, taking a glimpse of her everyday before he went to his class. His close friend, Sehun realised his sudden change of behaviour for sure.

One day, Sehun found him at the library during recess, after Kai ditched him for a few weeks. He asked Kai what was his real attention of going to the library every day when he had never done so before and Kai knew he had to spill out his little secret. Yoojin had always spend her time at the library, reading instead of went eating, so Kai ended up skipping his meals as well just to watch her every day at the library. When Sehun knew about Kai's crush on Yoojin, he was surprised that finally Kai started to develop feelings for a girl. Kai had always turn down confessions from girls ever since their childhood days. Being a supportive friend he is, he suggested him to go and confess to her.

But Kai knew better than that. Yoojin wasn’t just any girl that he could go and confront about his feelings. Although he didn’t know who she really was, Kai knew that there was something much more to her cold appearance.

Almost two years of being her secret fan, Kai decided to face her in their senior year in middle school. He decided that he would start with being friends with her and get to know her little by little. Kai remembered her surprised face when he told her he wanted to be her friend. Shock was written all over her face as she had never expected to be approached by a random student in that way.

But Kai also remembered that look, that insecure and worry look in her eyes. That look of hers tugged Kai’s heartstrings and it made him feel like hugging her right there, right then. However, soon that look was replaced by a cold stare and was followed by a question that had left him thinking until now.

“Why would you want to befriend someone like me?”

Did she not want any friends?

Or was she just afraid?

Maybe she just disliked guys?

Those thoughts lingered in Kai's mind when she urged that question to him. Yoojin was so cold that Kai didn’t know how he should answer her. He was afraid if he took the wrong step, he would ruin his one and only chance.

“ Do i need any reason to befriend someone? You’re different and i like different. So, lets be friends from now on, Im Yoojin.”

He remembered that wavered look in her eyes.

He remembered that tiny smile, with an amused look on her face.

He remembered the moment she nodded her head, while saying ‘You’re weird’.

He had always remember that time because that was the most beautiful moment in his life.

 

That Thursday Kai woke up from his beautiful sleep, feeling contented. It was January 18th, and it marked his second year of being friends with Yoojin. January 18th was also Yoojin's birthday. He had never thought that the day he asked her to be his friend was her birthday. So he planned on making her extra happy by giving her some new English novels since that girl couldn’t even live a day without her books. If books were all it takes to see her happy, then he would spend all of his allowance on books. All for her because her happiness was what matters the most to him.

Kai insisted to bring her to a coffee shop later that evening and he bought her a simple chocolate cake. He knew she didn’t fancy things such as birthday celebrations but he knew that she would bear it for her favourite chocolate cake and her usual green tea latte. Kai had to admit, sometimes things were hard for him because she wasn’t the type to show her emotions to everyone. Sometimes it was hard to make her happy with cliche things that usually would make any girl squeal in joy because she wasn’t just any girl. She was different.

These two years were enough for him to know that she was just being careful. She was being careful because she was afraid of getting heartbroken. She built tall and rigid walls to prevent unnecessary people from walking in into her life and leave as they want. She was just afraid that if she let her guards down, she would end up getting hurt.

But Kai wasn’t going to be like that. He vowed to himself that he would never leave Yoojin’s side even if she were to leave him first. He was glad that Yoojin trusted him enough after these past two years which were full of his struggles on getting to know her better though he wasn’t sure if he had known the best of her yet. Those two years had taught him enough that he couldn’t tell her his real feelings, or else, he would be ruined. His life would be ruined.

“Happy Birthday, Im Yoojin."

"I know you wouldn’t want any of these, but as your best friend, i have my right to celebrate your birthday and our second friendship anniversary. So this is the most simple idea that i could come up with, i hope you like it. And don’t you dare say anything like you don’t want this cake or whatsoever because i won’t listen to you.” Kai said with a smug smile.

She crossed her arms and said, “You always manage to surprise me every time, Kai. Thank you, this is more than enough. I appreciate it so much.”

She leaned forward and looked into his brown eyes. “Thank you for being my friend, Kai. Even though most of the times i wonder why would you want to be my friend when i am just a nobody at school, and plus i am not pretty or even rich but when i remember all the little things you did for me in these past years, it occurs to me that maybe it’s true after all, loyal and honest friends still exist. You proved that to me.”

A smile managed to creep on her face, her dimples shown and nothing could make him anymore happier than that. “You’re always welcome, Yoojin. Come to think of it, sometimes i also have those thoughts. Why do i like being around you so much? Why i want to be a good friend to you? Why? Why and why? And each time i wonder about it, the same answer pops into my mind. There’s no reason. I like you and being around you makes me feel comfortable a lot. I really want to be that kind of friend that will always be there during your darkest time, your happiest moment or i can just be your talk-for-nothing person. I really hope we can stay friends forever, Yoojin.” Kai smiled, contentedly.

Silence followed after his words. Yoojin’s face turned serious and Kai’s smile started to lose its joy. “But we know forever doesn’t exist, Kai. You know what people say? They say that nothing lasts forever.”

“Then, we should prove them wrong.”

“You are always like this, Kai. I always lose to your words. But that’s what i like about you, you are always wise with your choice of words.” A smile crept upon her face, and without his consent, Kai mirrored her action, his heart fluttered at her words.

A brief silence soon engulfed them, though the cafe was packed and full of chatters. Yoojin took a slice of cake and put it onto her plate and place both her hands on the table. She her bottom lip, looked down at her fingers and took a deep breath. She was going to talk about something serious, Kai knew it just by looking at her small gestures.

“What is it, Yoojin? I know something is bothering you, tell me.” He softly asked, trying to find her gaze.

“Do you know  Goo Junhoe from our grade?” He sat up straight slowly upon hearing the guy’s name. He had never been fond of the said guy since they were freshmen. Their first meeting didn’t end on a good note and Junhoe was just someone he would never wanted to get close to.

“Yes.. he used to be in my soccer team before he went to the basketball club. What’s wrong with him?” She took a deep breath once again, and slowly looked up to him,

“He confessed to me yesterday.” Their eyes met, Kai’s full of shock and disappointment while hers, full of curiosity.

“O-oh, i see. Wow, that’s new for our Im Yoojin, this is so gonna be the greatest news i’ve ever heard this year. So, tell me, what’s your answer?” He quickly regained his composure, crossing his arms while trying his best to give her a teasing smile but in the same time, he chanted ‘no’ in his head countless of times, hoping that her answer would somehow turn out negative.

“I said i’ll think of it.” Her eyes were now back to her green tea latte in her hands. The latte fascinated her more than his eyes.

Oh, how positive could that sound.

Kai’s smile faltered then faded. He felt his heart fell at her reply. It felt like the whole world came crushing down at him and he couldn’t do anything about it at all. He screamed in his head, telling her to push the thoughts of any other guy out of her mind because he loved her with all his might. It pained him so much that he couldn’t utter those words out loud. He just couldn’t.

A few seconds passed by when he finally managed finding the right words to say. “Do you like him?”

Or maybe they were never right at all because the moment she answered, he regretted saying that four words almost immediately.

“I don’t know.” She whispered. Hearing her answer, Kai became more afraid. He realised that between a ‘yes’ and ‘i don’t know’, the second option was the scariest thing in the world. If she answered yes, then he would just deal with the heartbreak and move on. Still, if she really didn’t like him, she should have answer ‘no’ right away but she didn’t. With her ‘i don’t know’, his heart ached more just at a mere thought of what might she felt about the guy. She could like, or even love him. That ‘i don’t know’ left him hanging in the dark because he knew when someone says ‘i don’t know’, it could only mean one thing: it’s always a yes.

People were just afraid of saying ‘yes’ so they came up with an ‘i don’t know’ instead.

 

---

 

A brand new year had finally came, and Kai had to continue dealing with a great amount of pain that he had gone through the past year, again. Seasons changed, but unfortunately his feeling didn’t. It turned out that Yoojin accepted Junhoes’ feelings a week after her birthday and they started dating since then. And also since then, Kai had been a shipwreck everyday, had to force himself to see the couple walked hand in hand together everyday, making him sad and envious at the same time.

Honestly, Kai didn’t know what made him stayed when the only thing he ever felt was sadness. He had to endure all the pain and put up a smile for his best friend. One second, he wanted to leave because the heartache was killing him like crazy and the next second, he wanted to stay. He wanted to be there for her in case Junhoe broke her into little pieces and he wanted to be there to pick up all of the tiny pieces of her heart and hold her in his arms. He tried to move on and get over her but he couldn’t.

His feelings for her were too strong that no hurricane could swirl it off. He knew that he probably would never going to get over her completely. He couldn’t help but to think that maybe they were meant to be, and maybe they were only strayed away from the path they were meant to be on. He felt pathetic to think such things but he couldn’t help it. His love for her made him like this.

When Yoojin started going out with Junhoe, she spent less time with Kai and he understood that perfectly. Who was him to ask for her attention when her priority should have gone to her very own lover boy. Kai had never thought that she could be so caring than she already was toward someone. He had never seen this girlfriend side of her and somehow Junhoe managed to bring that side out of her. That damn lucky bastard.

He remembered there was this one time when Junhoe accidentally got his shoulder dislocated, she ended up spending the whole week with him instead of Kai. And of course, Kai had to accept that half-heartedly, whether he liked it or not. No matter how much he tried to ignore those bitter feelings, each time she ditched him for her boyfriend, everything reminded him to her words.

“Don’t worry, Kai. No matter what happens, you are still my best friend . Nothing would change that though maybe i would spend less time with you.”

But day by day, the distance only grew further and that was all it takes to kill him. It was strange to see Yoojin being that clingy to someone. Oh, but then look at those ‘magical’ things Junhoe did to her. She changed 180 degrees and turned into a girly version of Yoojin.

Every single day he thought of her, of what she was doing and what she could be wearing. But how much funnier could his life be, to think that he had always had her on his mind but she had never once think of him like he did of her.

And he knew the reason why.

That was because to her, he was just her best friend.

But to him, she was his everything.

 

Today was 18th of January and it was Yoojin’s 18th birthday. Kai wanted to call her to ask her out for a lunch treat but she was much faster than him. She had called Kai early in the morning telling him that she would be celebrating the whole day with Junhoe. How irony the situation was, she had never been fond of birthday parties but look what love did to her.

The rest of the morning went bad for Kai so he decided to busy himself with his soccer match that evening in order to calm himself from the mixed emotions he was feeling. Soccer had always been one of his passion and moreover, it was the final match and he realised that he couldn’t do any stupid mistakes. He dreamt of being the greatest soccer player and this was one of the chances to show what he was capable of. Just because his emotions were stirred, he couldn’t let his coach and teammates’ hopes went down.

But a few minutes before the match started, his phone vibrated on one of the bleachers. He picked up the call right away after looking at who the caller was.

“Yoojin? I thought you said you were going to—“ There was a sob could be heard from the other line.

“Yoojin?? What happened??! Tell me where you are right now! I’ll be there.”

“O-our usual place.” Her faint voice was enough for him to not think any further.

Kai grabbed all of his things and apologised to his team and coach before he excused himself out of the field. He ignored all the angry yells coming from Sehun and the other guys and ran as fast as he could to get to her.

Kai sacrificed his dream for her because it would always be her. He put himself into the downfall just for her because he would choose her; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, he would find her and he would choose her. And that is what love did to him. He lost control, he lost the ability to protect himself. All he could ever think was her. Only her.

He arrived at her place and went straight away to the rooftop, their usual hangout spot. That place used to witness all the happy moments between him and her but now it was witnessing Yoojin, sitting with her knees brought to her chest and her porcelain face was stained with tears. That sight of hers clenched his heart. To see her in pain, it made him feel like ripping his heart open as well.

“W-what happened?” He kneeled in front of her before reached his hands out to touch her hands softly, as if she was so fragile like she would break with a single touch. But much to his dismay, she was already broken.

Her pupils were unfocused and she kept looking everywhere before her attention went to Kai. As he looked into her eyes, he felt his heart stopped. She was so vulnerable at the moment that he wanted to hug her and tell her everything is alright because he was there.

“He broke up with me.”

“What?”

“He broke up with me, Kai! He left me on my freaking birthday!”

“Why?! Why me?!” She bursted into outrage and hung herself into his arms. He brought her into his embrace and shut his eyes in pain. He had this kind of guilty feeling when she cried; he shouldn’t have let her date that damn bastard in the first place. It hurt him so much to see her like that. She continued crying in his arms and he couldn’t help but to cry with her. He her hair, soothing and calming her down. No words were needed at that very moment, because for Kai and Yoojin, each other’s presence and warm hugs were more than enough.

How could fate have played him in such way? He loved her yet she loved the other man. Why wouldn’t fate make her see him as a man, and not a ing best friend? She was hurting so much and his pain wasn’t any lesser than hers too.

She was hurting for losing someone she thought she would have forever.

And he was hurting for wanting someone he couldn't have because it hurts so much to want something you could never have.

That day, he learned more about love. Love is something that you can never control. Yoojin thought she could, but little did she know no one could control this cursed thing called love. When love chooses to betray, it will happen sooner or later and there’s nothing humans can do about that.

 

---

 

 

For someone who had the very first breakup in her life, Yoojin was doing quite well. The wound was still there, fresh and still bleeding, but she chose to not let that affect her in every way it possibly could. Kai was impressed with her ability of not showing her sadness in front of him. She didn’t cry anymore after that day.

That was the first time she cried in front of him and he hoped there would never be a next time.

 

It was mid Autumn and Kai intended to bring her out to see the beautiful foliage instead of letting her spent her time with her books. It was such a waste to let a beautiful day pass by like that. He wanted her to enjoy the breath-taking scenery and forget all the pain even for a brief moment.

“You’re crazy. Today is so cold, Kai. I’d rather spend my time reading books i just bought yesterday.” she said while hugging herself, trying to warm herself.

“Oh, come on, Yoojin. Loosen yourself a little bit. I’m so sick at the sight of you with books and i honestly think that you will feel so much better once you see the foliage. For God’s sake, they are so pretty, and wow i can’t believe i just uttered the word ‘pretty’.” Kai face palmed at his own words, shrugging his head while trying to stifle back a laugh.

“You really know nothing about books, Kai.” He turned his head at her sudden remark.

“Wait a second. Books are just books, Im Yoojin. We read them and they provide us knowledge. That’s it. What else could i perhaps don’t know about books?” he scoffed at her.

She stared ahead, shaking her head, “Books are the ultimate dumpees, Kai. You put them down and they’ll wait for you forever, pay attention to them and they’ll always love you back. You’ve got nothing to lose when it comes to books. And that’s why i don’t want to leave my books; they’ll have to wait for me and i know better that waiting is a real pain in the .”

He looked down to his steps, digesting her words.

Only if you know that i’m no different like any of your books, Yoojin. You ignore me, and i’ll still wait for you too. The only difference is that i’ve always love you back but you’ve never once paid attention to me.

“Then, next time bring your books together. I’m afraid your books will have to wait too long for you today.” He gave her a meaningful smile, hoping that she would see through him.

“It’s okay, Kai. Now that i’m at it, i want to enjoy this beautiful view. Thank you for bringing me out today.” she smiled back at him, her dimples shown.

Right then it occurred to him that whether she looked through his hopeful eyes or not, all of that didn’t matter to him because at that moment he couldn't think of any other thing than her beautiful smile. Her happiness was what really matters to him.

They sat on a wooden bench after taking a stroll around the park. Kai glanced at her side profile and couldn’t imagine any other beings that was more beautiful than her.

“Thank you, Kai. Today was fun. You’ve exceeded my expectations. ” She let out a small laugh.

He also let out a small laugh, leaning his back on the bench. “Wow, finally the winter is gone.”

She frowned at his sentence, “What do you mean? It’s still fall.”

“They say that laughter is sunshine, it chases winter from the human face and just now, i saw that winter has ran away from your face.” He smiled.

She matched his smile and slapped his right arm playfully. They let the cold breeze dance around them while the silence lingered, when both of them were in deep thoughts.

After a few minutes that felt like eternity, finally Kai decided to break the silence. “So how are you, Im Yoojin?”

“Never better.” She shook her head then took a deep breath.

She opened again, about to say something. But then she closed and her lips before taking a deep breath once again. Kai looked at her, bracing himself for the worst. He knew she was going to pour her heart out and he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to calm himself once he heard that bastard’s name.

“At first i thought that everything was too much for me and i thought i wouldn’t be able to cope with his absence. You know what, Kai? I still remember that day, he promised to meet me at the cafe and i dressed up in the best look i could pull. I still remember when he was late for 20 minutes, i told myself that maybe he got stuck with the traffic somewhere. I still remember i finished two cups of green tea latte, and looked at my watch; he was already an-hour late. I still remember, Kai. I remember he came into the cafe, after he left me waiting for two hours with a blank expression plastered on his fine face.”

He looked at her, heart feeling heavy. He didn’t know if he was fully ready for this because just at the mere thought of Junhoe, he felt himself getting furious. His right hand made its way to her left hand, giving her a light squeeze signalling her that she didn’t have to push herself further.

“I-i remember he said that he couldn’t do this anymore. I asked him why and only then i realised that silence is a killer too. I remember him taking his time to answer my question. I remember those five words. I remember how it felt to be heartbroken. I remember that loving look in his eyes faded out into nothing.” she continued. “ ‘I don’t love you anymore’, that’s what he said. I remember it clearly, every single letter still fresh, lingering at the back of my mind. At that moment, i finally understood all the sad poems i once read. Losing him made me feel numb and weak. I couldn’t do anything for days except sitting on my bed thinking and crying. But now, i realised that love has never promised us an eternity and it also doesn’t last forever. Junhoe proved me that, Kai. I then realised that i should grow up and move on. He was a good memory, of course. He is the wrong person i met at the— i don’t know, maybe the wrong time. Well, I think it really is. Maybe the timing has always been wrong for us from the beginning”

Kai squeezed Yoojin’s hand again before inhaling the sad air around him. “It’s okay, Yoojin. I believe that your paths crossed for a reason. Think of him as a lesson and it’s okay, Yoojin. I believe there’s someone out there who will love you more than he did. All you need to do is, open your eyes and open your heart.”

“No, maybe i’m just too hard to love, Kai.”

“No, you’re not. It just takes the right person to see that you’re a very loveable person. You’re kind, beautiful, humble and everything else that i could list on, Yoojin. Stop thinking that you’re hard to love because i’m already in love with you and all of your flaws.”

He gulped back his saliva, thinking to himself. This is it. It’s now or never, Kai.

Yoojin turned her head slowly at him, feeling surprised at Kai’s sudden confession.

“W-What?”

“I said that i love you, Yoojin. I have loved you from the moment i said that i wanted to befriend you. I’ve seen the worst of you and nothing could stir my feelings for you. I had never fall in love with anyone, but i don’t know why, i was so sure about my feelings for you from the moment i first laid my eyes on you. When you first said that Junhoe had asked you out, i was so scared; i was so scared that i might already lost my chance before i even grab it. I really wanted to tell you about my feelings back then, right there at the moment because i couldn’t even imagine you with any other guy. Oh, but then how foolish i was not to follow what my heart wants because i ended up doing nothing and let you go to him. I tried; i really tried to forget you, but i really couldn’t. You are like a drug that i will never get enough of. My love for you didn’t get any lesser but instead it has grown so much deeper that i get drowned in it and i’m still okay with that. To see you holding hands with him pained me so much, but i couldn’t think of any greater pain than not having you in my heart, Yoojin.”

“I know that i’m risking this fragile bond between us with my confession, but you have to know that i have suffered long enough to hide this feeling any longer. I’ve thought of many consequences of telling you about this but I’m still willing to take this risk because for the first time, i want to love someone. Really love someone openly. And i think i want that person to be you, even if you choose to leave once you heard me.”

She shook her head in disbelief and tried to escape from his firm grip. “This is wrong, Kai! No, you can’t be in love with me.”

He tightened his grip on her delicate hand. Ouch, that was not the kind of response that he wanted.

“Why?! Tell me, how can i be wrong? Is it wrong for me to love you? Is it a sin for me to love someone? You tell me, am i not allowed to feel how is it to love and be loved, Yoojin?”

A tear escaped his eyes, “Tell me, Yoojin.. tell me.”

“This is wrong because we’re supposed to be only best friends, Kai!”

His grip loosened as he shook his head at her in disbelief, “Best friends this, best friends that! That is all bull, Yoojin! Why? Do you actually think that a boy and girl can only be just best friends?! We can’t be, Yoojin! Not when i’m already deeply in love with you.”

“You’re making things hard, Kai. I will never be that someone you want to love. I-i can’t.” she said while choking back a sob. Kai started to cry even harder at the sight of her crying.

Am i even doing the right thing because now it seems like i’m crushing this tiny little hope by myself.

“Why? You can love him but not me? Why?! What is wrong with me? What do i lack, Yoojin?”
“You don’t lack anything, Kai. You’re perfect.” She brought her hands to his face, holding his face in her hands. “But i don’t think i can do this with you, Kai. Not when i already pushed away all of my feelings for you.”

Her hands dropped to her sides, eyes avoiding his sad eyes.

“W-what?”

“I once loved you, Kai. Long before i even started to date Junhoe. Do you know the reason why i dated him back then? That was because i wanted to get rid all of feelings for you. I liked you very much, Kai. But i was scared to tell you. I was afraid that i’d lose a great friend like you. When i dated him, i admit that my feelings for you kind of faded away little by little without me noticing. I realised that i couldn’t be more than just best friend with you, Kai. Even until now, i still think that i can’t see you as someone as lover though i used to have these strong feelings for you.”

“Then when Junhoe dumped me, i feel that i have to be more careful in opening up to someone. And now that you’re telling me all of this, things are only getting harder for me. It’s so hard not to drop my guard, Kai. It’s so hard.”

He threw his head back, his left hand clutching his chest. It hurt him so much to hear those words coming out from her own lips. He thought he had braced himself enough, but things were much more harder and more painful than he had thought it could have been.

“Then, can you give us a chance? L-lets give it a try, Yoojin. Lets mend our hearts together.”

Everything was out of his control. This was the reason why he didn’t want to fall in love. Love was a hole he said he wouldn't want to fall in because everything that falls, gets broken but he kept falling anyway.

The sun was finally setting, taking back all of its light from the Earth and left the Earthlings with the darkness that would soon take over. Little did the Sun knows, he was already late; Kai had already lost the light of his life in the middle of the daylight.

“This is too much in one day, Kai.” She took a deep breath before looking into his brown orbs.

“Let’s not meet for a while. Let’s give us some time to think all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. Lets think about everything thoroughly. Don’t call me or anything. Let’s give ourselves time. L-let’s not meet each other until Christmas comes. Give me time to think until Christmas. Lets do that, okay?”

Kai looked at her face, soon smiled and nodded at her. She quickly took that as a ‘yes’ and bid him a faint goodbye.

Yoojin would never know what Kai’s smile was supposed to mean. In this world, there are people who cry when they are happy, but there are also people who smile when they are sad. Kai was one of the people who chose to smile when words weren’t able to be uttered.

And he was sad.

 

 

Almost three weeks without her, it was finally the day that he could finally meet her. The other day where the first snow was falling, he walked alone on the streets with lights without having her around him to enjoy the first snow together. Everyone looked happy that day, but not Kai. He lived each day filled with anxiety, counting each seconds that passed by. Never had he felt it would take such a long time until Christmas day.

That Christmas night, they met at the same park and sat at the same old, wooden bench they last sat in fall. The weather was cold, but Kai’s palms were both sweating and the fact that she was there right beside him was not helping at all.

“How are you, Kim Kai?” She broke off the silence first while staring ahead, at what though he didn’t know.

He suddenly felt like a déjà vu. He didn’t like with whatever he was feeling right then because it felt like something bad would happen; just like the last time.

“Not fine at all.” He smiled, but it never reached his eyes. She looked down at her feet upon hearing his words. She gulped down a lump in in hope that would ease her fast beating heart.

“No.” she said.

Kai turned to look at her. “My answer is no. I’ve given this thing a very deep thought and i think that this is the best for us. I can only look at you as a friend, Kai. My feelings for you will never come back. I don’t want to make it seem like you’re a rebound to me. I’m sorry, Kai. Maybe i’m not the one that you’re looking for. Perhaps we’re absolutely the wrong people that met at the wrong time. I’m sorry.”

She turned her head to her left, only to meet with his eyes. The sadness was there and what broke her most was that exhausted look in his eyes. He was disappointed in her. She blinked back a tear and gave him a sad smile,

“Let’s not meet each other again. I want to end this— whatever it is that we have between us. If you stay holding onto this string of hope, things will only get worse. You’ll end up getting hurt and i don’t want to cause you anymore pain.”

At that very moment, he was stuck in between to walk away or to fight more for them. Still, he was already tired. He was too tired to fight for her presence in his life. He was too tired of getting hurt so he let her do all the talk that night. She braved herself to take his hands in hers, giving them one last squeeze.

“Thank you for all of the memories; bad or good, thank you for everything.”

“Goodbye, Kai.”

How easy she broke the bond between them. How easy for her to just simply say sorry to him. Everything was more complicated that a simple sorry should have not been enough. He was hoping for something more. He couldn’t get it why it was so easy for her to leave him just like that.

Somehow, Kai got it. Sometimes the things that you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end. He was such a fool to get his hopes high. He hoped for to finally being able to hold her hands forever, but at the end, she let go of his first. People say that you’ll never find the right person if you don’t let go of the wrong one. She said the little friendship they had was wrong and she was the wrong person he met at the wrong time. Maybe that was why he let her hands slipped out of his, because hers were never right for him to hold.

He learned about love the hard way and that was just a part of loving people. You have to give things up and sometimes, you even have to give them up. So he gave her up with all the love he had for her.

Kai was left alone on the bench, feeling the cold wind replacing the warmth that had left his hands. He wondered was it tears or was it because of the snow, because that Christmas night, he kept seeing her get further away from him.

 

---

 

 

Snow was falling, getting all the streets covered in white that December night. A young man was walking alone in cold heading to the park that looked almost empty and lonely that night. Kai found the bench that reminded him to that Christmas night. He let out a deep sigh before plopping himself onto the bench.

After that night, Kai decided to leave all the bitter memories behind and went to the States back to his sister. Yoojin had never called him since then and he guessed that was really it. All the confused minds and blurred lines had brought their friendship to an end. What if he hadn’t said too much about his feelings? Would they still be together and all happy?

Honestly, he didn’t know and he didn’t want to think. Sometimes the ‘what ifs’ that makes you feel extremely sad without a real reason.

All that mattered to him was the present. He moved on with his life though there was still her somewhere in his heart and mind. He knew that she would always be there, living in his heart as his first love.

After a year, Kai was finally back in Seoul for her. He was surprised when she requested to meet him at the very same place she bid him farewell. It was still funny how he still chose to go to her after what happened and maybe that was because he’d always choose her after all; in a hundred lifetimes, a hundred worlds or in any version of reality; he’d still choose to go to her.

Kai was then snapped out of his deep thoughts when he heard footsteps coming nearer. He turned his head towards the direction of the sound, only to meet with a pair of eyes he used to love so much.

She cut her hair just above her shoulders, that made her look more matured than she already is.

“Hi, Kai.”

If he had to point one thing about Yoojin that had never changed, it was her smile with her pretty dimples shown up making her look beautiful as ever.

“Hi, Im Yoojin. Long time no see.” He stood up and gave her a very genuine smile.

Her smile widened upon seeing his smile. She surely missed that a lot.

Not wasting any time, she then took a card out of her handbag, and gave it to him.

“What is this?” He arched his eyebrows in curiosity but ended up taking it anyway.

“My wedding card.” His attention was back on her and he felt his heart ached a little. Looking as if he wasn’t going to say anything, she continued talking.

“I’m getting engaged next week. My family wants me to marry a son of their business partner and they want it to be held as soon as possible. I’m glad that me and him are getting along quite well, well at least things won’t be awkward then. I know that this might sound selfish, but my real intention of calling you here is to ask you to come to the wedding. I really hope that you can make it to my biggest day, Kai.”

He then finally let out the breath that he had held a little earlier.

“I don’t know if i can make it to your wedding because i have to go back to the States tomorrow and i honestly don’t know when i will come back but, i will try to find some time for you.” He ended his sentence with a small smile.

“It’s okay, Kai. Don’t push yourself. I should have known better to not expect too much though .” She then took out another thing; a white envelope out of her bag. “This is for you. I figured out that sometimes when talking fails, there’s writing to help, so, i wrote a letter for you.”

He took the letter in her hands hesitantly.

“It’s already late. I’ll get going first, Kai. He’s waiting for me.” She could sense that he was putting his guard up, and she knew the reason why. She decided to stop this awkward and tense atmosphere between them. This was too much for both of them.

Kai already knew who he was, it was the guy she would be getting married to. She then stopped her steps when she heard his voice, calling her name.

“Yoojin.” She turned her head to look at him.

“Looking at you right now and this wedding card, it occurs to me that everything happened has finally knock some senses into me.”

“We’re the puzzle i can never fix. A million pieces are still missing and it will remain that way. You were true after all; we’re indeed the wrong people met at the wrong time.”

“I wish you all the best, Im Yoojin. Congratulations.”

She smiled at him, feeling sad looking at him who used to be someone she looked up first to tell about the nasty pranks Yunho did; someone she used to nag about how important reading was and someone who used to be there through all her ups and downs. She missed him and she was not going to deny it.

“Thank you, but i really need to go now.”

“Goodbye, Kim Kai.” She said before turning away in the opposite direction and went back to the guy who would be someone she had to learn to love from then on. There would be no more Kai in her love life and she had accepted that fact by the moment he said those words.

For Kai, this time he was sure, it was the snow that had blurred his vision because all he could see was her figure getting far away from him, getting closer to another guy and he felt nothing but relieved.

Kai then turned his head down, looking at her letter. He sat himself on the bench earlier before opening the white envelope that smelt just like her. The lavender scent filled his nose up as he looked at the letter.

 

 

Dear Kai,

               I’m writing this letter to tell you everything that i haven’t manage to say that night. If you were to receive this by my own hands, i just want to say that i’m so glad you made time to see me. Thank you, Kai. So this is me swallowing my pride writing to you, wanting to say that i’m deeply sorry for that night.

              Those months after you left, i haven’t been sleeping well. I stayed up each night, playing back myself leaving and you standing there, expressionless. I don’t know if you were sad or broken back then, because you seemed like both. I stayed up, replaying our moments during all the summers and springs; all the beautiful times we spent together and only then that i realised.

               I still love you during that fall.

               I missed you, Kai. I really do. I missed your tanned skin, your sweet smile, your brown orbs shining at me each time you talk and every single piece of you. I missed all of them. I missed how you held me in your arms that January night, the first time you ever saw me cry. I missed your warmth and the way you would always put a ‘good morning’ post-it note on my locker every morning at school.

               Sometimes i can’t even fathom the reason why you want to befriend me. I was like an outcast, no one has ever paid any attention at me but then suddenly you came. You came into my life and you changed me, Kai. I’d be lying if i say that i didn’t like the new me that you brought out of me. Thank you once again for that, Kai. I can’t even imagine if you didn’t come into my life back then.

              Honestly, I wish i had realised what i really had when you were around me. Maybe this is wishful thinking; or probably mindless dreaming, but if you come back, i swear i’d give us a chance. I want to go back in time and change my mind but i know i can’t. Who am i to wish such things when the only thing i gave you was goodbye while all you gave me was nothing but love. I’m really sorry, Kai. I'm really sorry.

             Last April, my parents introduced me to a guy named Seungho and it turned out that they want me to get married after i graduate from high school. I think this is the perfect chance to move on and get over you, Kai. I really need to get over you, don’t i? I’m sorry that i have to outgrow you and all of our memories, Kai. I have to, since your hands are no longer here for me to hold. I need to reach out to a new hand, and get used to all the lines on his palm and forget all of yours.

             Thank you for everything, Kai. I hope you’ll live your life well and meet someone new. And if you think that she’s the one, don’t let her go. Fight for her and never give her up. Your heart needs someone new, Kai and I know that i no longer deserve that spot.

             But you know what, Kai? Even until by the time i’m writing this letter, i’m still reminded to that December night. And i realise no matter how much i don’t want to, i'll still go back to that December all the time. I’m sorry that i have made that December such an ugly memory to both of us. I hope you’ll forgive me because there’s nothing i can do to turn back time. I'm really sorry.

            Wish me all the best, Kai. I need to love someone new and so do you. Please pray for me so that i can forget all of my feelings for you. I don’t want to break any other heart and i wish the last person whom i broke his heart will be you. It sounds harsh, i know, but i can’t bear to see someone else getting hurt again because of me. You were enough, and i don’t want to cause Seungho misery like i once did to you. And Kai, i know that we can never be friends anymore, but please know that wherever you are, i will always wish you well because that's the least i can do after everything i did.

Thank you for everything, i promise i'll never forget our good times together because if one day my daughter asked me about my first love, i'll have a beautiful story that has you in it to tell. Thank you, Kai. Thank you.

You're reaching to the end of my story and this is it, Kai. I’m really going to say the words that i know i won’t ever regret.

I, Im Yoojin am letting you go from my heart, mind and body, Kai.

             With this, I hope i have ended all of  your misery and i really hope that you won’t be sad over this anymore. You’re the best mistake i’ve ever made, Kim Kai. But let’s not repeat this stupid mistake ever again.

Be happy and always do what you love the most.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        With love,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Im Yoojin.

 

Kai threw his head back once he finished reading her letter. He wasn’t expecting that from her when he agreed to meet her that night.

After reading her confessions, he realised that their love was strong, but the timing was wrong and love decided they don’t belong. Things were already messed up and he learned that there are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept; things we don’t want to know but have to listen to and people we can’t live without but have to let go. If she thought that he still hadn’t let her go, she was wrong.

He already did, a long time ago. She made him happy but he knew that they weren’t just meant to be. It pained him a little bit to know that she had suffered all the past few months while for him, things only got better when he was away from her. But the truth was, he had stopped looking for happiness in the same place he lost it. That was why the pain lessened as the time passed.

Still, he couldn’t deny the fact that he felt bitter about how things ended between them. He lost his chance with her even before he could grab it. But now, he loved her no more. He was over her and he wanted to try finding happiness in a new person, in a new home.

He shut his eyes tightly, and let out a deep sigh. He used to love winter; the first snow and the Christmas night because despite of the cold weather people would still go out and enjoy those beautiful moments with their beloved ones. He used to love winter because back then he would have her around him to watch the first snow together.

But that Christmas night changed everything. He was aware of the fact that from then on, the first snow would still bring him back to that December and winter was not going to be his favourite season anymore.

 

 

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Edited: 26/01/2016