JUNG YOUNGHEE.

I smiled at my appearance. Yeah yeah I'm not cute whatsoever. But still, it's me. I appreciate myself :)

The new dress I bought at Esprit was not that bad. You maybe mistaken me as rich, but no. I'm so-so. Btw, this is not the story of kingka and queenka and all those cliche stuff. This is the story of mine. My way of Romeo and Juliet.

By Romeo and Juliet I mean Clown and Juliet. My parents are different from that story though. My parents are much worse. I can hear them throwing things at each other right now. They fight 24/7. I'm so tired of crying. I remembered when I was 14, my parents promised to bring me for a vacation. But it was cancelled because of well, ugh, they were fighting.

The reason they fought was ridiculous too. It's because my mom caught my dad cheating on her. On his phone. But it was just his client. So thats why dad didnt want a divorce, to keep his image, that he was on the right side, ugh whatever. I hate them both.

So today I wanted to go out for a walk, getting out from this hell. But, to go out I must pass through their room. Eventhough I hate them, but I still care. I still hate hearing them shouting at each other. It makes me scared, fragile, and makes me think that I don't have anyone to hold on. I took a deep breath and closed the door of my bedroom as slow as possible, so they wont notice.

They had once fought because of me too, I went out without their permission and dad got mad and mom got mad and yeah, that's that. So, today I wanted to do that again. I don't ing care what will they do. They dont even care about me too.

But , as soon as I took my first step outside my room, I can already hear my mom crying. I hate it. I hate it. I have to ignore and...

"Darling?"

my mom's voice. I sighed. "Where are you going?"

I think they already finished arguing and my mom went crying at the living roon, where the front door supposed to be. I hardened my face as possible. I still care about her , I swear. I really wanted to hug her and say its okay. But I cant. She hurted me. She can't be forgiven. I said those in my head.

"Younghee?"

I bit my lips. "Anywhere where there is no you."

I said that. My heart ached from my words. It was not what I wanted to say. Mom, I'm so sorry. My mouth don't want to say that.

My mom's face hardened. "What?"

"How dare you said that," she said and stood up, taking her steps towards me. I backed up, knowing what will happen. This is not my mom. My mom's anger is coming, that is not good. Everything's not alright.

Pang! She slapped me. "You ungrateful daughter! I borned you and you said those words to me?!" she shouted at my face. I cried, tears flowing down my cheeks. This is not my mom. This is a character which my mom created so my dad will leave her. I shut my eyes tightly when I felt another slap across my cheek.

"You are not my mom."

I ran towards the door, slammed them on her face and ran as fast as I could. Far away as possible. Did I told you that my house is on a hill? So when I get out from my house, I need to went down the hill. And it was 100m from the big road. There's no other way. I need to went across it. My feet are still running, tears still running down my cheeks.

Untill I tripped and fall. Fortunately, on the grass, so it's not that hurt. But tears still running down as the fall was the one who made me cry this much. I hugged my knees and cried again. Remembering all those memories I had before when I was a child.

I was 11. My life was the best thing that ever happend. I have a bestfriend who cares so much, his name is Jinhwan, my parents were understanding and everything was beyond my imagination. I was 11 afterall, what could happen?

Untill 6'th June, my bestfriend's birthday, my nightmare started. We were playing hide and seek in a forest nearby. My parents and his were having a picnic. Laughing, chatting as if there were no tomorrow. We keep playing until suddenly I can't find him anymore. He lost in the forest. I shouted, screamed his name.

He was still missing.

His parents blamed me. They said its my fault that he's missing. I remembered his face was on the news, on the newspaper, on the trees, on the banner, everywhere. But he was not found until now.

I hate him for that. He left me, and making all the blame on me. After two years, his case was closed. I remembered for those two years my parents were with me, holding me tight, promising to be there for me.

And then mom found out that my dad was cheating on her. It was not actual cheating but, yeah my dad actually was cheating on her. My nightmare worsen. My mom kicked and slapped me that day, because she was so mad, she couldn't control herself.

I cried everyday. Until one day, my knight in shining armor came. Well, to be honest, my clown in a joker mask came. He cheered me up everyday. Making balloons, giving me flowers, hearing my stories. But I never heard his voice. Nor see his face. I asked him once, who is him. But then he just walked away.

The next day, he wrote a letter for me using balloons, saying 'Just trust me' and just then, I know who he is the one.

I heard footsteps. With balloons popping sound. I know who it is. Its no other than my soulmate.

I smiled at his presence. He smiled too, well actually he always smiles with that mask. "You came." I said. He nodded and jabbed his two index finger and formed an O and K with his hands. It means are you okay. I smiled and lifted my shoulder. "As always, you know, family problems."

I said. He sat beside me, suddenly took my hand in his. My heart raced. He took out a flower from my hand. Oh, magic. It was ridiculous how I thought love was blooming.

Right now, he's staring at me, under his mask's eyes. I can feel it. I can feel him. He's so close yet so far. I gazed into him back. I only wanted him to know that I had fallen for him. Forever. I never knew who him was. But I knew the inside of him. Only that matters most.

He snapped out of it, and handed me the flower. I gave him my sweetest smile. "Thanks, you always understand" I said in reply. I leaned on his shoulder, a way of saying I'm forgetting my life with him. He was all I needed. He never got the message though, only finding a way to make me happy. He played with his fingers, and suddenly a piece of cloth appeared from there. He's making shapes using them.

I am not focusing into it. I am focusing into him. He's the guy of my dream. He's my knight in shining armor. He's my clown in joker's mask. He's mine.

(***)

Days past. Nothing great really happened. It's just I got used to my mom and dad's quarrel. Soon, it don't bother me anymore. I ignored the hell in my house, and escaped into the heaven outside.

I didn't met him though these days. I faked some tears yesterday, just to make him come and cheer me up again. But, he doesn't. I'm missing him so much. It's unbearable. I want to see him. I need to see him.

Poor enough, I never knew where he lived, where he came from, who he is. Frustrated, I burried myself into my arms, in the middle of the grass-field, where we always meet. Then, I heard footsteps. Familliar footsteps. I know its him.

"Hey," I greeted, waking up from the position I was before. His steps looks sad though, not happy like before. It's magic that I can read him by the way he walks, that he's not himself. He was sad?

"You seem odd." I said, right after he stopped in front of me. He gave me a note, then walked away. I was left confused. I watched him leaving, until he became a tiny dot. Carefully, I opened the piece of note. It was handwritten. And not to mention, he wrote it using a red marker. Sharpie, I guess by the size of it.

'I eNt3Red a CirCus. pR3paRing 4 tH3 cArNiVaL nExT w33k. HoP3 2 c U tHer3'

And it's very...clown-like. I mean, who mix alphabets and numbers?  It took me a second to realise that it was 'hope to see you there' and not 'hop 3 two see you ther(?) 3'

That's why he had been missing these days. Circus, huh? Of course, he's a clown afterall.

By the way, in out town, there is a famous circus nearby. That circus is quite scary too because the stuffs there are not very um, safe. I remembered last year, a worker there had been hospitalized because he fell from the swinging rope. I hope he'll be fine.

(***)

A knock at the door. No one wants to open it. Mom was watching tv in the living room, not expecting a visitor. I'm sure she doesn't care. Dad? Busy with his phone. Work stuffs or cheating stuffs I don't give a .

Mom never opens door for anyone though. Because of the mess in the house that she never cared to clean it up. Even the postman, sometimes. Another knock. I sighed. I'm in my room, bothering my own buisness and too lazy to meet my mom and dad outside. A harder knock.

It means urgent. Lazily, I walked out of my room, only to get a sharp glance from my mom. I opened the door.

A visitor I don't expect and don't want to expect. It was them. Who made my life miserable until now. I almost slammed the door in front of their face before the man holds it and said "Please, we need to talk."

It was Jinhwan's parents. Mr and Mrs. Kim.

Mom immeadiately stood up from their presence looking alarmed and I heard dad ended his phone call. "C-come in." I said and looked at my mom. Her face was looking shocked too. My dad came out from his room and gasped.

After inviting them to have a seat, the atmosphere turned cold. The past are getting me.

"YOU KID! WHERE IS OUR SON?! I PROMISE I WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU!"

"I REGRET EVERY SINGLE DAY I LET MY SON PLAYED WITH YOU!"

"UNTHOUGHTFUL KID!"

"I PROMISE YOU JUNG SEOLMIN, YOUR DAUGHTER WILL SUFFER FOR LIFE!"

Those words. I shut my eyes, their screams were still fresh in my head.

Breaking the awkward atmosphere, Mr. Kim started clearing his throat. "Well, it's been 6 years we've met."

"Yeah." my dad said in reply. Its awkward again, until Mr Kim started sighing. "I am very sorry for what we've done before." he said. I gasped, my mom too. My dad looked at him in suprise. "What?"

"Look, we knew we were wrong to put all the blame on you Younghee, but we just couldn't stand the pain of losing our son that moment." said Mrs Kim, looking at me. I don't know if I could forgive them. They put me in such situation where I almost thought of killing myself. And I was 11.

To my suprise, my mom and dad looked at each other. They hadn't did this for quite a long time. 2 years I think.

I don't understand the telepathy of my mom and dad. But they seem to agree on something. "So what made you came, Kim Minjong-sshi?" said my dad.

Mr Kim sighed, The sshi at the back means that they are no longer friends. So he get his message.

"I know you guys are mad for what we did. But, please forgive us. I know our doing were wrong." he confessed so sincerely that I almost forgave him. "How so?" asked my mom. I sensed sarcastic in her tone.

Mr and Mrs Kim gave each other a look. "Its..our son..It's just.." Mrs. Kim stuttered. I sensed that my parents almost lose their patience. "What's with Jinhwan?" I said out of the blue. My parents gave me a look.

Suddenly, Mrs. Kim bursted into tears. We were stunned. Not knowing what to do. Mr. Kim patted her back. "Our son..he's..He's alive." said Mrs. Kim in tears.

"What?"

My world had fallen into me. Those horrible years was worth for nothing. I suffered for nothing. He was alive afterall. I gripped my hand into a ball, controlling my anger to lose control. I really wanted to lose it and shouted to their face that how could they put blame on me like that. How could them gave 11 year-old girl that kind of pain when your son was alive afterall.

I really wanted to lose it, but my mom held my shoulder. I snapped out of it. Its worthless. I stood and stomped into my room, slamming the door close. I put myself into a circle and cried as much as I want. I worried for Jinhwan for nothing. It was all not fair.

Memories came flashing by.

"You can't catch me, you can't catch me!" I said teasing Jinhwan, or Jinan, what I called him.

"It's not fair!" he stomped his feet. I kept winning tags because I always hide and attacked him from behind. "How about we play something else?" I said, trying to make it up to him. He gave his toothy smile and said, "Hide and seek! I love that game! I am sure you can't find me!" he said proudly.

"Call! Now let's decide who will hide first." I said. We decided using scissors paper stone. He won and I lose. He needed to hide first. "Count until 10! No, 15!" he suddenly added 5 seconds. I pouted. "Unfair!"

"No, it's because you lose kawi mawi bo!" he sticked out his tounge. I rolled my eyes and said, "Fine."

and then began counting. Little did I knew what danger was coming to me. "1.."

"2.."

I heard his footsteps running into the woods.

"3.."

Still heard his giggle and footsteps.

"4..."

I could barely heard him. His footsteps was hardly to hear too.

"5.." "6..7..8..9..10..11...12..13..14 and 15!"

I started to find him. He hide too well. "Where could he be.." I asked myself and wandered in the woods. "JINAN-AH!" I shouted his name. No response.

"JINAN-AH!"

It's been half an hour I've been finding for him. I am starting to enter the darker side of the forest. The sun is starting to set too. I can already heard my mom and his calling us.

"JINAN-AH! Come out out! It's already late!" I said. And then it hits me. He is missing! I ran out of the forest, telling my mom and his mom. And then, the storm hit my life.

"He called us, but he didn't want to tell us where he was. Only if we apologized to you and your family." I snapped into reality when I heard Mr.Kim's voice outside from the living room.

 Jinhwan is such a strange boy. How did he knew what his parents did to us?

(***)

It's the day I've been looking for. I dressed up quite cute today. My mom and dad are still on bad terms, but they can communicate now. I asked them to join me to go to the circus. Thankfully, they said yes. So today is the day! My parents gonna meet my joker!

My dad drove all the way to the circus. Many people attend that carnival. It looks fun too with many colourful balloons. I read the tentatives outside the tent of the circus.

1. -The show by elephant and seal
2. -Tiger jumping through the burning hoop
3. -Show by the host, Mr. Mcdonald
4. -Introducing the new member of the circus
5. -Show by the new member
6. -Show by all circus member
7. -Closing ceremony

I smiled seeing the 'new member of the circus'. It must be my joker.

After paying for tickets and buying our popcorns, we took our seat. It was really front. I could see everything from this place. I could even jump off the fence if I want. Haha, but I don't. Not when I saw the lion in the cage not far in front.

The opening ceremony was good. The clowns were doing acrobatics, even blowing some fire. Everything went great. The elephant blew water on everyone. We were soaking from that. My mom was nagging about that. I only laughed it out.

After was like forever, finally the host or the head clown in the circus announced.

"Did you guys had fun today?" asked Mr Mcdonald. The crowd shouted and cheered back. "Sure! But we also have a suprise today!" said Mr Mcdonald and get a crowd cheer for reply. "Do you want to know?"

This one, I shouted back loudly for a yes. I know. It's my joker!

 "INTRODUCING OUR NEW MEMBER, JOKER!" Mr Mcdonald was too loud on the microphone. I thought. Then he came out, cycling a unicycle. He was the only clown in the circus that don't wear makeup. He was wearing a mask. I cheered for him. Some even threw popcorns.

He was charming. I knew that. He did some magic tricks and everyone clapped gleefully. I smiled. I was used to that magics. And suddenly its time for his show. I wonder what was his show.

My heart starting to pound harshly. I don't know why. He climbed up until he reached the top of the tent. Then, Mr Mcdonald announced his show. He need to cross the rope bar.

Mr Mcdonald also stated that it was the hardest and the most dangerous show today. My hand was sweating. I can feel his nervousness. "ARE YOU READY FOR THE JOKER?" Mr Mcdonald screamed on the microphone, causing a baby to cry. But then the crowd shouted back excitedly.

The Joker (My Joker) did some bow and took some steps forward, heading to the rope bar. He was nervous, scared, I sensed that. I knew him too much.

He carefully took his first step on the rope. He seemed to keep his balance. My heart kept pounding hard. I was as nervous as him. He took another step by another and reached the middle of the rope. The rope was shaking too much. I was sweating too. My hands were wet from the sweat.

Then, his step missed. The rope was moving and he missed step. He fall!

Everyone gasped. It was like slow motion. I immeadiately stood up. I don't care anymore. What matter was he needs to be here. To be with me. The harsh wind passed through his face, brushing the mask off.

And then his mask was completely off when he reached the cold floor. I didn't know how, but I jumped through fence and ran to him. Blood was oozing from his head. He seems unconcious. "JOKER! PLEASE BE ALIVE! DON'T DIE ON ME!"

I screamed. I placed his head on my lap, crying hard. The atmosphere was so cold, it's like everyone was watching my love for him. "Please! Joker!" I wiped his blood, still crying. My tears fall on his eyes, I still hadn't noticed his face because of my blurry vision from my tears.

"I am not dead yet."

Voice. I heard his voice! I stopped sobbing, and focused into him. That eyes! I noticed the mole under his left eye. It's JINHWAN! I was too shocked to say a word. Everything went numb. He gave a bitter smile before slowly closing his eyes. He was bleeding so much. I sobbed again, crying for help. Then, the emergency team came and brought him away.

I cried even more. He was Kim Jinhwan. The one I was searching for my whole life.

And he's dying.

(***)

Right after he opened his eyes, I immeadiately ran and kissed him. I didn't care how many eyes watched us. I just wanted him. I loved him. It was him all along. The joker, the one who was there throughtout the hard times was Jinhwan, my childhood friend who lost in the forest.

And that was my love life. It maybe the end of this story, but its the beginning of us.