Firsts were quite important. Daesung had always felt so. This first was so important it had been frying his brain. He only had once chance at a first Christmas. He needed it to be perfect. He needed it to be memorable. Somehow he had to find the gift that embodied all the love and adoration and affection and - everything - he felt for Seunghyun. It had to be sweet, and romantic and  maybe a bit ? He blushed at the thought and decided to stick with sweet and romantic but also practical and thoughtful.

He’d been thinking about it for months, months of lists and delicate, probing questions, months of cornering family members and digging through old journals to find a hint, a clue, some random scrap of something that would reveal the perfect gift to him.

Despair was starting to sink in as the end of November approached and no gift had made itself known. He rejected the easy choices: wine and furniture. They had been dating almost a year. Going the easy route was just that, easy. No, he couldn’t do easy.

It was two weeks until Christmas but Jiyong was never good at patience, or secrets. He’d stayed behind after Seunghyun’s dinner party, pointedly refusing to help clean in favor of sipping at the wine that hadn’t made it to the table.

He sighed after every drink and looked longingly at the wrapped presents he’d brought and propped by the front door when he arrived.

“You know,” Seunghyun said, sliding behind Daesung at the sink and depositing another pile of plates on the counter, “Christmas is still a long ways away.” He pecked Daesung on the neck and slid back towards the table, skating on socked feet.

Jiyong sighed again. “Yeah, but, I’m not going to be here for Christmas.”

“Oh?” Daesung asked.

“I’m going to Japan for Christmas,” Jiyong said.

“And-” Seunghyun said. He skated into Daesung’s back and slid the cup in his hand down into the soapy water. Seunghyun’s long fingers teased at him and Daesung laughed. He scooped a pile of suds and bopped them onto Seunghyun’s nose.

“God, you guys are disgusting, get a room.” Jiyong’s tone was scandalized but his grin was wide and sincere.

“My house, Jiyong-ah,” Seunghyun said and he planted a sloppy kiss on Daesung, making sure to cover him in as many suds as possible.

“ANY - WAYS,” Jiyong nearly shouted at the kissing pair.

Daesung flushed and pulled away. “Sorry, hyung,” he said. He tried to scrub the bubbles off his face.

“Disgusting,” Jiyong said and took another sip. There was another sigh as Seunghyun skidded back to the dining table.

“Jiyong go get your presents,” Seunghyun shouted over his shoulder.

“Yippie!” Jiyong shouted as he scampered, or tried to scamper to his gifts.

“You’re calling someone to drive you home, right hyung,” Daesung said.

“Yes, mother,” Jiyong said. He returned to the counter with two large rectangular packages wrapped in silk. “Blue for Daesung,” he said, setting one by the sink, “red for Seunghyun.” He set the second box at the end of the counter.

Daesung turned off the sink and dried his hand on the dish towel bunched by the sink. Seunghyun came to stand over his shoulder, or rather, hook his chin on Daesung’s shoulder while he opened his gift.

“Wah-,” Daesung gasped as a dark leather jacket was revealed.

Seunghyun whistled behind him. “Tom Ford,” Seunghyun said. Daesung didn’t really keep up with fashion the way the rest of the group seemed too but he knew enough to recognize the name as one of Seunghyun’s favorites, and expensive.

“Hyung, this -” Daesung cut himself off. Jiyong made a lot of money. Well, they all did but Jiyong’s money - to him this was nothing, if he’d even bought it at all.

“I asked the cordi-noona’s for your measurements so I could get the tailoring right,” Jiyong said. Of course he had.

“Hyung, thank you,” Daesung said, bowing. Jiyong smiled and leaned across the counter to pat him on the cheek.

“Hyung’s boy has to look sharp standing next to him,” Jiyong replied.

“Hyung, you next,” Daesung said, turning to Seunghyun. He got a sappy smile as Seunghyun practically pounced on his gift. Seunghyun loved presents. Daesung’s stomach wrenched as the pressure of his own unpicked gift settled as an ache in his chest. His face tightened but he managed to maintain the smile.

Red silk was stripped away and Seunghyun in a gasp, eyes opened wide and face slack.

“She’s a new artist, up and coming,” Jiyong said, moving to stand and look down at the frame held in Seunghyun’s hand. “Collage and portraiture, mainly. I had to talk to your sister to get some of the reference images.” Seunghyun’s eyes were a bit glassy as he turned the frame to reveal a stunning collage of images of Seunghyun’s mother, rendered in sepia and rose. Daesung’s heart pounded in his chest. It was stunning, a beautiful gift. Perfect.

Seunghyun set the piece down and turned to give Jiyong a solid hug, both arms wrapping around slender shoulders. Daesung stared at the gift. He could have thought of something like this. He knew how much Seunghyun loved his mother. He called her every day. No major decision was made without her input. And she was beautiful, definitely worth the effort of an artist. And Seunghyun loved art. Why had he not thought of something like this? Daesung cursed his feeble brain.

“Thank you, Jiyong-ah, it’s beautiful,” Seunghyun said, voice low and rough with emotion. “I know just where I will hang it too.”

Jiyong pushed away from Seunghyun, self-effacing grin on his face and he twirled the rings on his fingers nervously. “Yeah, well, I’m glad you like it,” Jiyong said. He reached across the counter for his wine glass which he drained before giving them both a huge smile. Daesung managed to curve his lips in response and made his way back to scrubbing dishes.

Seunghyun grabbed Jiyong off to look at the place he had in mind for mounting while they waited for Jiyong’s driver to come pick him up.

Seungri had opted to spend Christmas in Thailand with one of his myriad groups of best-friends. So it was the week before Christmas he called while they were snuggled on the couch with a fire, wine and old black and white classics on Seunghyun’s television to shout at them both on speaker-phone.

“Merry Christmas, hyungs!”

“Yah, Merry Christmas, Maknae,” Seunghyun shouted back.

“Merry Christmas, Ri,” Daesung said, in a normal voice and rolling his eyes at Seunghyun, “are you driving?” Seunghyun’s arms tightened around him and he felt little kisses rain down on the top of his head.

“Nah, I’m not driving, we’re just in the car,” Seungri was still shouting.

“Yah, put the top up or something,” Seunghyun said, “you sound like .”

“I’ll put your top down,” Seungri muttered and the background noise disappeared completely. “There I made them turn off the air,” Seungri said. “Merry Christmas, Hyungs!”

“Seungri you’re still shouting,” Daesung said and he could feel Seunghyun’s repressed laughs under him.

“It’s Christmas, Daesungie-hyung,” Seungri said, as if that explained everything. “Anyways I’m calling to tell you what your presents are.” Daesung bit at his lower lip. It had taken him 3 days to not wince whenever he saw Jiyong’s present hanging in Seunghyun’s living room and he still wasn’t quite ok with the jealousy. Still - he reasoned - Jiyong and Seunghyun had been friends and close for years, closer than all of them except Jiyong and Youngbae. Of course his present would be beautiful and thoughtful (perfect, he cursed). There was no way Seungri could have a gift better than anything Daesung could come up with. He tried not to be anxious over the fact that he still hadn’t come up with it yet.

“Yeah, so, Dae-hyung, your gift is still at the cobbler’s getting fitted for your insoles and it won’t be ready until after Christmas, sorry.”

“Bad planning, maknae,” Seunghyun chastised but his eyes were sparkling as Daesung watched his face.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Daesung could hear Seungri rolling his eyes and he laughed.

“It’s ok Ri-ah, thank you, it’s the thought that counts.”

“Yeah, they’re Tom Ford, they look real nice. I heard what Jiyong-hyung was getting you so I thought I’d match. You’ll look good next to Seunghyun.”

“Alright what about me,” Seunghyun said, biting at the tail end of Seungri’s words.

“You get a lump of coal, hyung.”

“Whatever, Ri we know I’m your favorite hyung, what did you get me?”

Daesung braced himself, tried to tell himself it would be a terrible gift.

“Yeah well, you love sushi so, I managed to book you a date at Jiro’s Sushi Bar in March.” Daesung’s heart fell and his jaw dropped. Seunghyun looked at him with barely contained glee.

“Are you serious, Seungri?”

“Yep, managed to get you in last time I was in Japan.”

Daesung’s mind disconnected as Seunghyun gushed at Seungri. Seunghyun loved sushi. Apart from ice cream it was the only thing he could eat every meal. He’d been to Jiro’s sushi bar once, with Jiyong and still could go on about that meal for hours. Literal hours spent describing each piece in exquisite detail. He’d been wanting to take Daesung but the wait list for the restaurant was months and months out.

Daesung knew all of this. Why had Seungri thought to do it and not him? This would have been a perfect gift. How is it everyone knew Seunghyun so well and he, who shared his bed and his heart, couldn’t think of these things? He felt sick. He pulled away from Seunghyun and made as if going to the restroom.

“Yeah, Ri, have a good Christmas and thank you for the gift.” Seunghyun disconnected the call and followed Daesung to the restroom. “Daedae you ok?”

“Yeah, hyung,” Daesung lied, “just think I drank too much, my stomach hurts.”

“Ok Dae,” Seunghyun said, leading him to the restroom and closing the door. “I’ll put up and we can go to bed ok?”

Daesung tried to cling to his side of the bed as they tucked in but Seunghyun held him by the shoulders and firmly tucked him under an arm, pulling Daesung’s head to his chest. Fingers at his hair and Seunghyun’s singing voice lulled him to sleep. But his mind was restless. There had to be something he could buy worthy of the perfection of the man holding and soothing him.

It was Christmas Eve and Daesung was frantic. He was out of time and there were no excuses left. He had spent the day going to every store he could think of, every boutique and club and bakery. He had stared at an ice cream cake for 20 minutes of pure desperation trying to convince himself that mint-chocolate chip in 3 layers meant “I love you.”

He felt hot panicked tears threatening at the corners of his eyes and a heavy rock of failure dragged at his heart. He had to get home. He had to change and get ready for Youngbae and Hyorin’s Christmas Eve party. The party where he had planned to give Seunghyun the perfect gift.

Anger and jealousy curled in him as he thought of Jiyong and Seungri’s presents. Perhaps he didn’t deserve Seunghyun at all, if friends could out-gift someone who supposedly loved Seunghyun so much. The litany of self-abuse and recrimination built up his whole drive home until he made it in his front door and sat in a pathetic heap on his living room floor to cry large fat tears of disappointment.

His apartment didn’t even feel like home, he was never here. He felt lost and overwhelmed. His phone rang and he fished it from his pocket, making out Seunghyun’s name through the blur of tears. Daesung couldn’t bear to answer the phone so he let it go to voicemail. As soon as the notification for a message popped up, however, he flicked his phone to listen.

“Daedae,” Seunghyun’s tinny voice sing-songed, “we’ll be by in half an hour to pick you up. Don’t fret too much over clothes, you look amazing in anything you wear. Love love love love yoooouuu. Yah- turn up this song-” Seunghyun’s voice cut out. He was probably with Youngbae getting last minute things for the party.

Daesung managed to choke down his sobs and bring the torrent of tears down to a drizzle. A quick hot shower and he’d throw on whatever and make it to the party. Maybe if he wished it hard enough, Christmas would just go away.

Daesung was grateful years in the spotlight had taught him to mask his feelings. The party had gone worse than he could have possibly dreamed. Nightmares had been more pleasant, he told himself as he tossed back a glass of adult-eggnog. He made a face, the stuff was disgusting.

The party wasn’t large, mostly close intimate friends. But still, he’d had to plaster on a smile as Youngbae informed him that he and Hyorin had made a donation in his name to his church’s soup kitchen. Daesung was actually sincerely touched and appreciative but at that very moment he’d watched Soohyuk give Seunghyun a pair of leather bound, handwritten tomes on Ghosts and Vampires, with beautifully rendered hand drawings.

“I found them in a little shop in China,” Soo Hyuk had explained.

“Hey, that’s so neat,” Hyorin had said, looking over Seunghyun’s shoulder at the books. “Since you were in that vampire drama this year,” Hyorin flicked a finger at Soo Hyuk.

“And this mad-man think’s he’s a ghost,” Youngbae interjected, coming behind her and wrapping an arm around her waist. “Oh by the way,” Youngbae said, and he nodded at Hyorin who stepped to the mantle to retrieve an envelope, “Merry Christmas from us.”

Seunghyun opened the envelope and stared at the tickets. “It’s a week long vacation and wine tasting tour through Napa Valley,” Youngbae explained.

It was too much. It was all too much. Daesung couldn’t take it any more. He stood abruptly. “Um, I am not feeling well,” he said, lamely, “I think I’m going to go home and rest. Merry Christmas everyone.” He bowed and tried to wave away the sighs of sadness as everyone wished him well.

He managed to keep the tears away as he got his jacket and shoes from Youngbae’s coat closet, but just barely.

“Daesung,” Seunghyun’s voice came from behind him. Daesung couldn’t bare to look at him. Didn’t deserve to look at him. He just shook his head and kept his eyes on his shoes as he saw himself out. “Daesungie,” Seunghyun said, following close behind him, “wait please.”

“I can’t Seunghyun, please just let me go home.” Shame and disappointment warred in Daesung’s heart. He heard a car stop on the pavement just in front of him and he looked up to see Seunghyun holding a door open to him, eyes stark with concern.

Daesung sighed and slid into the car. Seunghyun slid in next to him and gave the driver his address. “No-” Daesung tried to interject, tried to give his own address but Seunghyun’s hand came down on his on the seat between them and he spoke to the driver, “quickly please.”

Daesung stared out the window the whole drive to Seunghyun’s villa and glumly followed him up and into the home that was nearly his own.

They made it as far as the entry way, shoes and jackets kicked carelessly to the floor when Seunghyun pulled Daesung into a hug. Daesung held himself stiff, not quite pulling away from the embrace. Fingers traced up and down his arms. “Daesung something has been bothering you for weeks, please,” Seunghyun begged into his neck, “please, talk to me. What is going on?”

Daesung’s breath shuddered in his chest and the tears would no longer be checked. He balled his fists into the shirt at Seunghyun’s back and sobbed out an apology. “I’m so sorry, hyung, so so sorry.”

“Daesungie, shhh, Daesung why? Why are you sorry? You have no reason to be sorry?” They began to sway as Seunghyun rocked them. “Daesung-”

“It’s our first Christmas, hyung, our first Christmas together and -” he hiccoughed. “I love you - I love you so, so much. I love you so much it hurts to look at you. You are so beautiful and funny and smart and you are into such fascinating things and you - you love me back. You take care of me and accept me and you -” Daesung pulled back enough to hazard a glance at Seunghyun’s face. His eyes made it as far as the beautiful bow of Seunghyun’s lips.

“I love you, Seunghyun,” he whispered, “I’ve been searching for months for the perfect gift, the gift you deserve, the gift that will show you how much you mean to me and -” Daesung buried his head in Seunghyun’s chest. “I failed. I couldn’t find anything. I looked and looked. Jiyong, Seungri, Soohyuk, even Youngbae got you beautiful, perfect gifts. And me, your boyfriend, who supposedly loves you so much - I couldn’t find anything to give you,” he finished bitterly.

“Oh, Daesung,” Seunghyun murmured, “oh Kang Daesung. You are the most beautiful being alive. You are so bright and pure.” Lips pressed into his forehead, fingers pulled at his chin to tilt his head up and kisses fell along the tear streaks burning his cheeks. He felt Seunghyun’s hands cup his face, long fingers trailing into his hair. “Daesung you are the best gift for me, your love, your laughter. This year you’ve given me has been better than any gift you could have bought.”

“But you deserve-”

“Daesung every day you give me more love than I could ever hope to deserve.” Seunghyun’s lips pressed against his in a sweet kiss before pulling away. “Look at me Daesung, please.” Daesung looked up into Seunghyun’s soft eyes.

“The fact that you wanted me to have a gift that meant all that, is the best gift, and it’s also why you couldn’t find it, but,” Seunghyun looked up for a brief moment before spinning them gently, “there is something you could give me today, that would be the best Christmas present possible.”

Daesung tried to follow Seunghyun’s eyes in confusion, but they were too hazy to see very far. “What?” he asked.

Seunghyun shifted to reach into his pocket. He pulled out a tiny box and Daesung gasped. He propped it open to reveal to glistening silver bands. “Give me this day, and all the rest of your days. Give me this much love for all the rest of our time on this world. Give me everything, and I will do the same.”

“Seunghyun -” Words failed Daesung.

“I love you, Kang Daesung, please marry me?”

Daesung nodded and was swept up into Seunghyun’s arms as he spun them around and kissed Daesung soundly. “Yes?” he asked, lowering him.

“Yes,” Daesung answered. Seunghyun kised him again and again and again.

“Seunghyun,” Daesung said, breathless, “I need to breathe.”

“Can’t,” Seunghyun replied, kissing at the corner of Daesung’s mouth. He pointed up to the ceiling just above where they stood, and Daesung’s eyes were clear enough now to see.

“Mistletoe?” Daesung squeaked. Seunghyun chuckled and kept kissing along Daesung’s jaw. “Well in that case,” Daesung said, feeling lighter than air as he cupped Seunghyun’s face. “I will definitely marry you Choi Seunghyun,” he said and kissed him again.

“Best Christmas ever,” Seunghyun said that night as they fell asleep in a tangle of limbs and sheets, two matching rings shining on two separate hands as they intertwined on the pillows.