Most of the time, life happens, and I don’t even realize.

I look out the window and I see so many people flowing down the sidewalks and streets, as if in a trance, aimlessly, putting one foot in front of the other for pure mechanicity. They don’t look to their side. They don’t look back. Head up, always looking toward the horizon. At most, toward the cup of coffee in one hand; the other holding a phone to their face while discussing things that probably in one week will no longer have any importance.

I see children roaming through the crowd. That small arm stretched to reach the hand of a parent, while the other strongly holds the stuffed animal, which ironically gives much more attention to that little being than their own parents.

Gray, is all I see.

When it rains, it seems it’s the tears that have wedged inside me that pours itself out. I spend minutes and minutes just watching the drops that flow through the blurred glass by my breath’s fault, and try to distinguish - without much effort - the blots of people I see through it.

During the afternoon, I didn’t see a single person who had dared to share their umbrella with a stranger. But I saw dozens of people who most likely returned soaked to their homes, workplace, or wherever they’d go.

I bite the skin of my fingers without realizing it, wondering what, in fact, there is of good in this world.

I feel like the ocean's weight was on my shoulders.

Feels like I'm sinking into the depths of dark blue waters, and each meter, the darkness takes over more and more of my surroundings.

Scary, but at the same time, pacificatory.

It’s suffocating feeling the ocean weight - the weight of guilt that I don’t even know exactly where it comes from - but, like the death - a rest at the end of so much suffering – are these same waters that caress my skin, stir up my hair gracefully, and levitate me effortlessly.

And yet, it is still painful.

Cold.

And that’s when ...

Splash.

You show up.

I feel the waters, before calm, disturb in my surroundings. I feel cold currents flutter and warming up gradually.

I keep forgetting that it is easier to deal with the unknowns of life if I share it with someone. You keep reminding me that whenever I find myself eager for air under these water columns ...

"Jonghyun", you call me.

With that sweet and soft voice. And just that is enough for me to feel my body shiver altogether.

I open my tired eyes and look up; and in the middle of this wild blue immensity, I see you, bathed in light and heat, reaching out toward me and opening the smile that always reminds me of why I do not live without you.

And you have extended this same hand to me so many times, and yet, I'm sure you didn’t realize half of them. Being it a sliced ​​peach, being it to bring a simple napkin to the corner of my mouth, or only to caress my cheeks. If you knew how my heart beats when you do it ...

And there you are, diving in my tormented mind willingly, bringing me warmth and handing me back the hand that saved me so many times.

"Jonghyun" and you smiled even more, "Come with me"

I felt a lump form in my throat, and this time, it wasn’t raindrops that fell.

With my heart pounding, I searched for your hand, and as I felt a single touch of your skin, I closed my fingers tightly around yours.

I don’t want to become gray like those landscapes I see through the window. I don’t want to sink myself in this cold infinite of despair and anxiety. But I can only this with you.

And that's when you pull me to your shore of warm and active waters; fond and full of life.

Copiously you wipe my tears with your thumbs every time; hold my face carefully in your hands, and touching your nose to mine, you whisper to me:

"I love you, Jonghyun"

Carrying that smile that never dissolves.

I close my eyes and soon inhale your sweet scent of shampoo. I swallow dry and control myself so I won’t screw up all the effort you made to wipe my tears away from my face.

And naturally, I search for my place of comfort in your arms, selfishly sinking my nose in the crook of your neck and wrapping my arms around your waist. I don’t need to make any effort to ask, because as soon as I sank on you, you bestowed on me returning the act of affection in the same way.

Everything I am is because you never gave up on me.

I don’t know how. Much less why.

But I know one thing:

"Thank you", I whispered.

I dunno .-.

It was refreshing to write it.

Being very honest, I had these feels after I heard Taeyeon's solo ................................

All her fault >_>