The ground is cold and hard underneath me, but I couldn’t care less. I don’t know how long I have been laying here. The sun was mid-sky when I came in but now the morning sunlight filters through the curtains and hits the side of my face, heating my skin, but inside I don’t feel the warmth. I feel frozen, chilled to the bones. In the far distance, I can hear someone calling my name “Kai!” but I don’t have the strength to answer them. Why would I?

They are not you.

I can still hear the song you played on the piano in one of the training rooms…

That is how I met you.

Your smile, your laughter, your beautiful face as you spoke to me about everything and nothing; it all comes back to me in rapid successions, punching holes inside my chest with each beats of my heart. 

How could you?

Rolling on my back, I run my hands into my hair, as all I can think about is how, at first, I was laughing at you for making such a wanton face during photoshoots, but it worked. You were already popular, but you became y in the eyes of the fans all around the world.

You were my best friend.

The way your hand fitted in mine, how soft and warm it was, was divine. I remember the heat of your breath on my earlobe as you spoke in my ear and how I wanted to keep you close to my chest just a little while longer, so I wrapped my arm around your shoulders to keep you there. I couldn’t keep my eyes or my hands off of you, and people started talking, but I was scared, but you only smiled at their whispered rumors without denying or affirming their beliefs. 

You gave me hope.

You laughed at me for secretly buying every magazine with you gracing the cover, and, every time, I would blush without telling you that I did so just to be able to see your face when you were away.

I was hooked.

With you deciding to go solo, you were often traveling and almost too busy with schedules when you weren’t, but you always made time for me… and only me.

I was crazy about you.

Driving around town with you was my favorite past time. I had you all to myself in a confide space, no one to bother us, and you were constantly willing to drive us wherever I wanted to go. During those times, I could almost imagine you being mine and when you would turn to me, my heart would skip a beat and my breath would get caught in my throat.

How could I tell you?

Time passed, even if we didn’t realize it, trying to capture our childhood while playing like children, laughing at our dorkiness, as we gave each other piggyback rides. When you would jumped on my back, you felt so small against me, but yet so strong as in turned you allowed me to ride on your back.

I tried to forget it..

Needing to move, I sat up, only to rest my back against the cold, white wall, bringing my legs to my chest, making myself as small as possible, as I thought back on how we would lie side by side, looking into each another’s eyes, blush pinking our cheeks, as we both felt the impulse and need to get closer.

Was I imagining it?

Now that I had moved, I couldn’t seem to stand still. Pacing around the room, I remembered cheering for you and even shedding tears with you as you won awards, but mostly comforting you when your tears of happiness overwhelmed you.

It slowly changed between us.

I remember how you started to touch me in little ways that would seem anodyne to the camera, but yet your hands would linger longer than needed be. I wasn’t one to complain. I liked you touch… I needed your touch, only to reassure me that what I felt for you was real.

I couldn’t deny it.

And when you finally told me you loved me, I felt like I was flying. I couldn’t feel the ground under my feet as your lips came crashing down on mine. It was sweet and quick yet full of passion. Like a tidal wave, my passion, my need, my want; everything I had denied for so long came rushing to the surface. I need you, I wanted you right then and there, but you reminded me, with a little smirk that promised to make me see stars later on, that we were backstage moments prior to us performing our duet.

I love you.

My legs unable to withstand my weight, I fell to the floor, and rolled myself into the fetus position, letting tears stain my cheeks as emotions overtook my senses.

I miss you.

You told me it was only one last Japanese photoshoot before you would be all mine for the next 6 weeks, and I let you go readily, making plans for us as I was also on break for the next few weeks. But everything froze the moment the producer said those three words.

Taemin is dead.

Today would have been our fifth anniversary, but it never will be celebrated.