Lost In Neverland

"Neverland is the second star to the right."

Ah Young~

"Ah Young ah? Wake up! Wake up! Please wake up!" He woke me up with his screaming once again. It was the same panic laced tone that came from the bottom of his throat.

I remained stationary on the bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Because of you I'm currently going through a bleak nihilism period. It has been going on for five years already. He wiped away my tears with his warm hands and held me close, embracing me in his warmth, yet all I could feel was bitter coldness. Ever since you left I no longer had the will to live. Over the past five years I tried to kill myself multiple times, but every single time someone was there to stop me. It was you. In your place you sent me guardian angels to keep me away from any harm. One in the name of Lee Hongbin. 

My boyfriend, Lee HongBin was the psychiatrist that took care of me in the hospital. He made a promise to me that he'll wait till I was fully recovered. I resisted his help, feeling like some charity case until he proved to me that he was being serious by moving in with me to be my caretaker. Without you here I had no one. We were two orphan kids who were supposed to always be together forever. 

I was put on a strict everyday routine. However all I could do was wake up, eat, take my pills, and then fall back asleep. Sometimes I sleep for days at a time.

Because in my dreams I get to see you.  

"Ah Young ah!" You exclaimed, running over to me with your brothers right behind you. You engulfed me in a hug, placing a kiss on my forehead. Your fellow brothers, Woo Bin, Sung Joon, Young Kwang, and Soo Hyuk greeted me with broad smiles, excited to see me. I didn't know where I was, so you took my hand and led me through. That was the first dream I had ever since you left. At first I thought I was delusional and losing my mind, but I woke up to see Hongbin by my side. It was only a dream. After that incident everytime I fall asleep you come to visit me. You grab my hand, sprinkle me in pixie dust, and together we go off to Neverland where all the lost boys are.   

I found myself at the ocean. Here everything was so happy and beautiful. I forgot that was even possible. The ocean waters were illuminated by the sun that was shining on top. They sparkled like the diamonds that adorned the necks of women who used to frequent the orphanage, seeking out a child to adopt. I peered down to my feet, watching the tides come in and wash away the sand from underneath. The strong currents almost knocked me off balance when a pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist, saving me from falling. A smile spread out from my lips, realizing who my savior was. Jonghyun. 

"I got you." He whispered into my ear, hugging me from behind. His lips moved from my ear to my cheek and then to my lips. I turned my head to the left to face him. He grinned at me and kissed me once again.

"Welcome back Ah Young!" I heard several familiar voices shout and then before I knew it I was being squirted with water. Woo Bin threw me a water gun, letting me join in on the water gun fight. To return the favor I squirted water right back at them. We all screamed and tried to run away from all the water but none of us wanted to lose. In the midst of the fight I took a moment to view them. Every single one of them looked exactly the same since I first saw them five years ago. As if they were immortal none of them had aged. 

"Race you guys back to the beach house!" Sung Joon suggested, taking off first with a sprint. Although Sung Joon took off first the winner was Jonghyun. 

"How did you get here so fast?" I asked, for I was shocked by his incredible speed. 

"Magic." He replied, smiling with a mischevious gleam in his eyes. Even being able to see him brought a smile to my face. I reached out and his face, enjoying the fact that he was indeed tangible. Young Kwang faked a cough, grabbing our attention. 

"Loser has to cook dinner." He smirked, laughing. I pouted when it dawned on me that I would have to cook for five boys with enormous apetites including myself. 

"Don't worry. I'll help you." Jonghyun commented, pulling me inside the beach house. Despite how simple the meal was the boys enjoyed it so much. They were complimenting me on the dinner. To repay me for the delicious dinner the boys decided to do the dishes for me, giving me time to settle into my room. I opened the door to my bedroom to see a lovely decorated room with clean white sheets, lace curtains, and white furniture filled the room. Personal items like the pictures Jonghyun and I took were held in picture frames. An easel along with a sketchbook stood in the corner. Why was this here? Cautiously I flipped open the pages and they were blank. They were fresh, new, blank pages. I then moved to the vanity that was placed from across the bed. A brush and a lipstick were the only things on the dresser table. I opened the lipstick and it was a lovely shade of pink. What a pretty color I thought. I touched the knob on the drawer of the vanity to open it. Inside was a single strand of yellow colored ribbon. Yellow, just like the shade of the bright sun. Continuing on I opened the wardrobe to find multiple white dresses of all styles and lengths. I noticed that they were very pretty as I them. 

"Do you like your room?" Jonghyun's voice startled me, causing me to slightly jump. "Oops. Sorry." He mumbled, sitting down on my bed. 

"It's really pretty. I like it." 

"I'm glad. Everything should be pretty and wonderful. If not what's the point? But also everything doesn't have to be pretty to be considered wonderful. It's considered beautiful only if you can see the true beauty behind it." He said with a pensive look on his face. All of a sudden everything became a blur and the next thing I knew is that Hongbin was bending over the bed and my hair.  

"You've been asleep for three days." He informed me, helping me sit up. My eyes scanned the entire room, darting from object to object as if I couldn't focus them. I sat in the bed, dazed from the rude awakening. I grabbed Hongbin's hand, lowering it to the mattress. I noticed the hurt in his eyes when I removed his hand from my body. He quickly recovered, blinking his eyes and bringing me the clothes he picked out for me. "Your appointment is in half an hour. You should get ready to go."

From across the therapist's desk I sat in an uncomfortable chair, fiddling with my fingers. Ever since my previous suicide attempt I was appointed to weekly counselling sessions with a doctor from the psychiatrics department. My doctor was a female, who used her gender as an advantage to become closer to me. She insisted that she was trying to become my friend.

"Hongbin informed me that you've been sleeping more. Are you having those dreams again?" She asked, flipping through the notes she wrote down at our previous sessions. All I did was nod. 

"Can dreams be real?" I parted my lips and asked. She was silent for a moment. 

"People think dreams aren't real, for they aren't made of matter. Dreams are in fact real. Because they are made of viewpoints, images, memories, and lost hopes."

Memories. Lost hopes.

"I seem to be only happy in my dreams." I mumbled to her. 

"Because he's in them?" I sullenly nodded at her. That night I slipped under the covers ready to fall asleep. The bed dipped under the weight of Hongbin lying down beside me. He had the utmost respect for me, giving me the emotional space I needed. 

I closed my eyes and then opened them to see Jonghyun in the bed next to me. His collarbones were revealed from the white cotton long sleeve shirt he wore. My fingers grazed them. Whenever I was with him I always felt the need to touch him. In his warm embrace I interwined my fingers to his, feeling content.   

"You know that place between sleep and awake; that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always be." He said to me softly with tears running down his face. I wiped them away and then placed a kiss on his eyelids to make the tears and sadness disappear. More than anything in the world I hated to see Jonghyun hurting. His pain was my pain. Two hearts always linked.

The sound of his heartbeat was my very own lullaby lullling me to sleep that night. I snuggled closer to him, reveling in his company. Being in the arms of my beloved made me happy beyond words. The next morning Jonghyun was fortunately still by my side. I smelled something cooking and stood to my feet. Instead of the cold wooden floor, a fluffy rug padded the floor. Jonghyun was rubbing his eyes, yawning as we walked into the kitchen together where all the boys were. 

"Hey! Good morning!" The boys goofily grinned at us while I gasped. They were covered in flour and eggs. The kitchen was a mess with flour and cracked egg shells covering the tile floors along with open milk cartons, messy bowls, and batter covered spoons strewn across every countertop. Soo Hyuk was the only one at the stove, frying the pancakes or whatever I believed the batter was for. 

"And now you drizzle the maple syrup!" Jonghyun exclaimed, spilling half of the bottle while he was passing it off to Sung Joon. The pancakes tasted... very sweet. Feeling sticky from all the syrup that was involved in breakfast I took a shower. When I got out I entered my room to get dressed. 

"Wow. You look beautiful. Do you feel beautiful?" I felt myself blush at Jonghyun's statement. Did I feel beautiful? To be honest everything felt so strange for me. Tasting delicious food, laughing and smiling with people, enjoying the company of others, and even dressing up like this. For the first time in a long time I took the time to properly groom myself by putting on some lipstick and tying my hair with the ribbon I found in that drawer. I sat down on the couch, smoothing out the long white dress I was wearing. The boys were being boys by playing video games in the lounge. Staying with five rowdy teenage boys was very amusing, watching them and their crazy antics unfold. The sketchbook was placed onto my lap. 

"Can you draw something for us?" Young Kwang requested. The pencil remained in between my fingers, hovering above the blank page. It has been ages since I last drawn something. All this time I have been stagnant, apathetic, and severly depressed to even participate in daily life. So all of this required some adapting to. Seeing the joyful expressions of the boys I slowly began to sketch onto the paper, intent on capturing this blissful moment. It was utterly fascinating how such an ordinary moment could become extraordinary with the right people.

As I spent my days in Neverland with the boys I lost track of time and the count of days from all the fun adventures we embarked on. With Jonghyun even the most simplest moments became memories that I would treasure for a lifetime. Here I noticed an improvement in my mood and behavior. I was truly happy and I woke up each day next to Jonghyun. Usually we didn't talk much. We just basked in the joy of being in each other's arms. Then one day the house was too suspiciously quiet. It's never quiet around. The boys were nowhere to be found. I scoured the beach, the entire house, and the forest but they were gone without a trace. I panicked, rushing to alert Jonghyun. He sat on the porch of the house playing his guitar, singing a bittersweet tune. 

"The boys are all gone! Soo Hyuk, Woo Bin, Young Kwang, Sung Joon! They're all gone! I can't find them anywhere!" Jonghyun kept singing, appalling me with his indifference toward the disappearance of his best friends, whom he considered his own brothers. 

"They left." Was all he said. 

"What do you mean they left?" 

"We leave once our loved ones are at peace." I was bewildered by his words. They weren't coherent to me. No. That was a lie. I understood what he meant. I just refused to believe it. 

"No." Along with my heart, my voice broke. I shook my head, not wanting to believe it. Jonghyun leaned the guitar against the porch and grabbed my hands. 

"Ah Young ah. Neverland isn't a place. But a state of mind. If you believe that anything can happen here then you can believe that you'll be able to do anything and everything out there. That's why I brought you here." He rubbed circles into my hands with his head down. "The time we spent together was incredible and I'll forever cherish them." He locked eyes with me. 

"This was all just a dream?" 

"Yes. This was all a dream. You know that. But that doesn't invalidate what took place here. It still happened; you have to believe that. Today, the 28th of March marks my 24th birthday. I couldn't leave, knowing that the love of my life were so unsettled about my death. Your suffering and pain held me back all this time. You need to let me go. You need to find happiness." 

"But you're my happiness!" 

"No. Happiness is not something you get from a person but by how you view the world. If you believe there is beauty then you'll see a beautiful place. But if you believe in sadness and despair then that is all you will experience. Your perception of the world shapes your world. That is why this is such a serene place and that is why you have been drowning in depression for the past five years. Anything is anything you believe it to be. All you have to do is believe."

"But... I can't lose you again!" I sobbed into his chest, wetting the fabric of his white shirt.

"You will never lose me. I'll be right there." He placed his hand over my heart. "People aren't afraid of dying. What they fear is being forgotten by the ones they love. But I'm certain that you'll never forget me, so I'm at peace now." He held me tight, wrapping his arms around my back. 

"I don't want to say goodbye. Jonghyun, you're my first love and you were supposed to be my last." I weeped, recalling how painfully and tragically he died. He was only 19 when he was hit by a reckless driver and thrown off his motorbike. 

"Shh. It's okay. We're not going to say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. That's not going to happen. Kim Ah Young, you will always be loved. Eternally and forever." He captured his lips with mine, gifting me with one last kiss before vanishing into thin air.

"I only wanted you to see pretty things like this sunset and so much more. But I know that one day you'll be able to seek them out on your own. You did before. Ah Young ah, in this world there are wicked things like grief and utter sadness, but never forget that there will always be light to balance out that darkness and that both are essential." Were the words that I recall you telling me. Looking back I now understand the meaning behind the items you gave me. The sketchbook was to fill up with happy memories, the yellow ribbon represented the color of joy, the pink lipstick was to add color into my life, and the white dresses were for me to hold on to my innocence and believe in the fairytales we were told during bedtime at the orphanage. 

Thanks to you I have found happiness. What an arduous endeavor it was but I had some help on the way. The memories I made with you and the boys I have recreated with some wonderful people. You remember Hongbin right? We know have a Hongbin Junior! He's so adorable and I now have a family.  

All this time you were teaching me how to live without you. You inspired me to draw again, to create my own happiness, to heal, and most importantly to believe. To have faith is the strongest will a human being can ever have. And here I am talking to you while looking at sky. Neverland is the second star to the right. I believe that's where you are with Soo Hyuk, Woo Bin, Sung Joon, and Young Kwang goofing around and having fun like the teenagers you are, since no one grows up in Neverland. You always wanted to be free and unrestrained. I hope you're having fun hanging in the woods with the boys and Peter Pan. Neverland is home to lost boys like you. Lost boys like you are free there. Like how you taught me to believe I'll pass that lesson on to my son. 

Jonghyun, you will always be my lost boy in Neverland. 

You'll visit me in my dreams, right? 

Author's Note: 

This one shot was inspired by Alice: The Boy From Wonderland  Jonghyun's movie along with my love for Peter Pan and the Kdrama 49 Days. I was completely blown away by the movie and it was so poignant my heart cried. This isn't the best but I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Peter Pan is the angel that guides the lost boys to heaven, which is Neverland. But of course the interpretation of Peter Pan is open to all. Thank you darlings!