ONE STEP CLOSER

***

Neither, nor.

Either, all.

***

Sunggyu was lost in the middle of a fight. The fight within himself. Woohyun stayed as he promised and he didn't push him away again... but... there was something bothering him. Woohyun said he was willing, that he would let him hurt him. That kept Sunggyu awake every night, making his heart beat fast because oh dear Lord, how much he wanted to do just that. He told himself over and over again, that he shouldn't.. that he couldn't really hurt him but his desire was stronger each passing day. And then... the parents left for a holiday, leaving the two of them alone.

"Hey, would like to have dinner?" Woohyun asked and Sunggyu nodded, following him to the kitchen.

"Why are you so quiet?"

"Hm?"

"After that conversation, you changed. You don't push me away but you don't talk to me. Why?"

"I have nothing to talk about."

"Hyung~ I thought, we said what needed to be said so why are you not opening up more to me?"

Sunggyu started to eat and Woohyun sighed, eating as well.

"I meant everything what I said. I like you. Really. So whatever is troubling you, just tell me."

"Leave it."

Woohyun stood up and cleaned the plates.

"It's about the hurting part, isn't it? It's still bothering you."

"Stop it."

"It's okay. Really. You don't have to be ashamed. I am really grateful you are trying not to hurt me but you are causing me more pain this way. All my life, I've always had you in my heart. So every time you push me away, every time you ignore me, tell me to go away, to leave you alone... that is hurting me the most. I've been beaten, punched, suffocated... I had broken bones, bleeding cuts and burns but nothing comes even close to the pain I feel in my heart."

Sunggyu got teary eyes and with a shaking voice replied.

"Woohyun-ah... I... I need something from you that I cannot ask for..."

Woohyun came closer and hugged him.

"You don't have to ask. I told you. It's okay. I can bear it so just do it."

And that's how their story changed. 

Sunggyu let go. 

***

Woohyun didn't scream. Through every beating, through each "session" he had with Sunggyu, he tried to be quiet. He sometimes groaned or moaned if Sunggyu landed a particularly hard kick or a blow but they didn't make much noise. As if they were training for the time when their parents return. He only whispered Sunggyu's name when he was reaching his limit of endurance and then they would hug each other and drown in their tears.

"I'm so sorry. So sorry."

Sunggyu would keep repeating the same words over and over again, caressing his hair, gently pulling him closer, kissing the bruises and Woohyun would smile, pat his head  and kiss him on the lips, sometimes tenderly, sometimes hungrily and tell him, he is fine, that everything is okay.

Sunggyu was trapped between heaven and hell. Having Woohyun was like living a dream. He was so happy with him and being able to finally act out his urge after all those years of burrying it inside was so liberating, so incredibly satisfying. But then the guilt came. When he saw Woohyun's body, tainted by him, he felt sick. How could he do that to him? How could he enjoy it?

It was good at the beginning but soon the feeling of guilt overpowered the need to hurt and so Sunggyu decided to end it.

***

"Woohyun-ah... I... I think, I will leave."

Woohyun froze.

"What?"

"I can't push you away anymore and I won't be as heartless as to make you leave again so I will go."

"What are you talking about? Why would you leave?"

"We can't keep doing this. It isn't right."

"Who cares if it's right or not? Aren't you happy?"

"NO! No, I am not. It drives me crazy. Do you have any idea how much I hate myself?"

"Hyung, please... don't. I... I can't loose you."

"I can't keep doing this. Why don't you see it? You should hate me!"

"Oh no, I won't give you the satisfaction of giving up. I can't. I had to leave you once so I know how it feels to be apart and I can't do it again. Not when you finally opened up, when you finally accepted me. You wanna end it? Fine. Do it. Kill me. That's the only way. Come on! Destroy me. Break me.  It's your choice, you will have to live with it. Can you?"

The blow was fast and strong, making Woohyun double over and loose his breath.

"SHUT UP! Maybe, I was too soft with you... do you think I can't do it? Ha? Destroy you? Break you?.... Hah. Shall I? Hmm? Should I really kill you?"

Sunggyu kept kicking but this time Woohyun didn't call his name, he didn't stop him. So Sunggyu didn't... not until he heard a crack and realized Woohyun was coughing up blood. He wanted to kill himself right there and then. That's what he feared the most. That one day... he won't be able to stop.

"Oh God, Woohyun-ah."

He was immediately beside him, checking his injuries. 

"I... I think, you need to go to the hospital."

He got his phone and was about to dial the number when Woohyun stopped him.

"No."

"What?"

"Not here... they... they will suspect you. Outside..."

Sunggyu wanted to cry. Woohyun was still thinking about him. Even at this moment. He helped him up and they slowly left the apartment, Woohyun hissing in pain with each step, his breathing shallow.

"Here, it's good." said Woohyun when they reached the nearby supermarket.

"Tell them, you were coming home when you saw me getting beaten out here. You didn't see their faces... they were students... three of them..."

Woohyun lost all of his strenght and Sunggyu lowered him to the ground, his hands shaking. Damn it. He called an ambulance and prayed. Woohyun's eyes were fluttering, it was obvious he was close to loosing consciousness.

"Hyung~"

"Shhhh, save your strenght. Don't talk."

"It's not your fault... I... I love you."

Sunggyu started to cry and pulled him closer.

"I'm so sorry, Woohyun-ah. I love you too so please don't leave me."

Woohyun faintly smiled and then his world went black.

Just like lost stars in the sky... trying to brighten the night...

I may be wrong myself... but I will fix you...

to be continued