REVERSAL

***

If you don't understand my silence,

how will you understand my words?

***

Maybe he was stupid. Maybe he cared far too much. Maybe he shouldn't have come back. But he had no choice. He couldn't stay in the U.S. and he was not old enough to be left alone. At first, he thought he could do it. His family ignoring him was still better than being beaten every day. The fact, that they rarely talked to him ... That, he felt as if he was intruding... None of that mattered. He just had to bear with it for a while. However, Sunggyu... That was another story. 

Even after all those years... Even with Sunggyu still giving him the cold shoulder and obviously hating him. Woohyun's feelings didn't change. He still loved him. So much that everything else ceased to exist. The love consumed him. He could accept his anger, his indifference, his hate... But the one thing, he couldn't stand to watch was his pain. No matter how much Sunggyu hurt him, he would always forgive him but he couldn't let Sunggyu be the one hurting. Something in him would just shatter everytime he saw the older being ignored in school or made fun of. 

So Woohyun decided to do something. He didn't expect he would be popular. He didn't want the attention. So he removed himself from the spotlight. He started to get bad grades, he would make stupid mistakes during sports, he wore old-fashioned clothes and he met many girls, dating more than one at the same time. His reputation went to hell, others started to bad-mouth him and he became the outcast. He knew, Sunggyu didn't want his company but he changed seats so he could sit next to him. He always went to have lunch with him and he made sure, they would always be partners for any group projects. He didn't talk to him but in his quiet way, he wanted to support him. Nobody should be left alone. It hurt too much. 

***

Sunggyu was slowly loosing his mind. What was Woohyun doing? What was he thinking? Quietly, he placed himself next to Sunggyu. Without asking permission, without even saying a word... He became his shadow. And for the first time, Sunggyu wasn't alone in school. Just as he promised, Woohyun didn't talk to him, he didn't bother him.  If his presence wasn't causing every pore in Sunggyu to come alive, he wouldn't even know Woohyun was there. And yet... it made such a huge difference. To have someone sitting next to you. Someone who would always volunteer to be your partner. Someone who would eat lunch with you. But as much as Sunggyu was grateful for Woohyun's company, he couldn't get the image of him surrounded by his friends out of his mind. Woohyun could be the star of their school, the very top of the food chain so why did he give it up? 

If it was anybody else, Sunggyu would cry and hug the person and thank him on his knees, being grateful for the rest of his life. But it was Woohyun. Woohyun. The one person, Sunggyu had to keep away from himself. Over the years, he changed a lot. Both physically and mentally. But one thing remained the same. Every time he saw Woohyun, his heart would beat fast and he would feel the urge to see him in pain. He still wanted to hurt him, to break him because the image of him crying, was the most beautiful thing in the whole world (at least in Sunggyu's eyes).

So what was he supposed to do? He didn't have a strenght to push him away. The closer Woohyun came, the harder it was for Sunggyu to keep his promise. He was fighting with himself every single day and hating his own nature more than ever. Why? What was wrong with him? He wasn't a sadist or a psychopath. Generally, he didn't want anybody to be hurt. He didn't even enjoy movies where people got hurt. So why was he that way when it came to Woohyun? Why only him? He wanted to have confidence. To believe, that the love he felt for the other boy would be enough to make him control himself. That, he won't really hurt the boy but every day, his hope diminished. 

They were together in their room when it happened. Nobody else was home. Woohyun was sitting on his bed, quietly reading. His breath slow and shallow, almost as if he wasn't breathing at all. Sunggyu was sitting on the chair near the desk, opposite of Woohyun, trying hard to ignore him and failing miserably. He was drawn to him like never before. It was physically impossible for him to look away. It didn't take long for Woohyun to notice Sunggyu's discomfort.

"Am I beeing too loud?"

"Yes." Sunggyu replied automatically but he knew he was lying. Woohyun was anything but loud.

"I'm sorry. It's too late for me to leave the apartment now but if you wish, I can go stay in the living room. I know your parents won't be home tonight."

Sunggyu mentally winced at the wording "your parents"... as if Woohyun wasn't their son as well. Then again... they didn't treat him as a family member, did they?

"Yes. Go."

"Okay."

Woohyun stood up, picked his book and immediately left. Sunggyu was left alone again. He stared at the wall for God knows how long when he heard a soft knocking on the door.

"Hyung? I know it's late but we didn't have dinner yet so I am going to cook something. What would you like?"

Sunggyu wanted to brush him off that he won't eat anything, regardless of what he makes but he changed his mind. Maybe, he could use this to make Woohyun uncomfortable.

"Well... I would like kimchi jigae, gimbap and tteokbokki."

There was a short silence on the other side of the door and Sunggyu almost regretted making such a suggestion. Almost.

"Okay. I will see what I can do."

Sunggyu waited for a bit but something was tugging at his conscience. He went to the kitchen wanting to stop Woohyun when he froze. Kimchi jigae was slowly boiling on the stove and Woohyun was in the process of cutting the gimbap but he cut himself. It wasn't a big cut but he was bleeding profusely and something in Sunggyu just snapped. 

He launched himself at Woohyun and before the other could even register what was happening, he was lying on the floor, with Sunggyu on top of him. his finger.

Are you friends with the monster in your head?

***

to be continued