With one last look in the mirror to make sure his tie was straight and his hair was neatly parted, Baekhyun grabbed his keys from the counter and left the house, a bouquet in one hand and his keys in the other. Once he was in the car Baekhyun set the flowers on the passenger seat, careful not to bend or crease the petals; they had to be perfect.

After starting the car Baekhyun set off on the route he could’ve taken with his eyes closed. His instincts knew where he was going and he didn’t have to think about it as his body went into autopilot half way through the drive.

It was almost late november and snow had already begun falling, making the usual route slippery and forcing Baekhyun to slow down and take his time getting to his destination. Baekhyun only hoped Chanyeol wouldn’t mind him being late.

Half an hour later Baekhyun was carefully pulling off of the main road and only a less paved road where the snow hadn’t even been plowed yet. In the distance, as Baekhyun approached, the outline of arched shapes came into few and Baekhyun tightened his grip on the steering wheel. There were more than last time.

A few feet from Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s car got stuck in the snow, the tires sliding against the snow as he tried to slowly speed out of the spot. His car drifted slightly before tossing snow in the back, refusing to budge any further.

With a dejected and embarrassed sigh Baekhyun pulled turned off the car and unbuckled, carefully reaching over and picking up Chanyeol’s favorite flowers- white lilies-, the same flower Chanyeol had gotten for Baekhyun after he had commented on how roses were too cliche and he wasn’t a cliche person.

Baekhyun smiled at the flowers, softly the petal between his index finger and thumb, careful not to pluck it from the core. Chanyeol is going to love these, Baekhyun thought to himself as he opened his door and hugged his coat closer to him against the icy breeze and the misty snow that blew towards him.

Chanyeol was only a few feet away but it felt like miles to Baekhyun as he slowly approached where Chanyeol lie; forever below the ground with only a tombstone that read ‘Chanyeol. Husband, Father, and Hero. 1992-2015’ as a reminder of where he lay.

The snow had covered the other flowers and trinkets that had been left at Chanyeol’s grave within the year that Chanyeol had been dead and Baekhyun’s face fell as guilt took a bite at him. He needed to visit Chanyeol more often.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately,” Baekhyun mumbled quietly as he lightly dropped onto his knees in the snow before Chanyeol’s grave, his grip tightening on the flowers. “But, I brought you flowers!” He smiled as he ed out the flowers in his hands, as if he was shoving them into Chanyeol’s chest, his face falling slightly as his hands make contact with the cold stone.

Slowly Baekhyun lowered his hands, pulling the flowers back to his own chest, his eyes glued to the white of the petals, the white of the snow blurring in the background. “I picked your favorite, since it’s your birthday in all.”

Wishing that he had brought gloves Baekhyun reached out a hand to wiping the snow off the of Chanyeol’s marbled grave along with the snow that had caught in the carved out letters of his name, his hand stilling on the L. “I would’ve brought you red roses, but Lily didn’t see the humor in it so I picked the next best. But you would’ve gotten the joke, right?”

Continuing what he was doing Baekhyun moved his hand to wipe the snow  around the bottom of the grave, ignoring the way his fingers were slightly red and stinging from the cold. “You’re probably wondering why Lily isn’t here, since it’s your birthday and all.” Baekhyun paused as his hand hit something small and metal. He didn’t have to pick it up to know what it was.

But Baekhyun picked it up anyways, smiling at the little red car in his hand as he carefully set the flowers down on the ground in front of him and used his free hand to wipe the snow off of the car. “I had a feeling this is where it disappeared too. Lily left it here after I said it was your favorite toy car.” With slightly shaking hands Baekhyun put the car back down on the ledge of Chanyeol’s grave. “Lily is really heartbroken right now Channie, she misses you but couldn’t bring herself to come today.”

Baekhyun’s smile fell again as he furrowed his brow, the brown stems of the previous flowers from chuseok that he had brought last time were dead and the petals littered the ground. “Did you see that she had her first crush? Some kid name Minseok. Nice boy, but not good enough for our Lily in my opinion.” The corner of Baekhyun’s mouth pulled up as he began unraveling the plastic from the lilies.

“Jongin and Kyungsoo got married last month too. It was a nice wedding. Not as nice as ours but then again, you weren’t at their wedding so that could probably be why. Lily enjoyed it though. Oh!” Baekhyun looked up at Chanyeol’s name, his smile wide, “Did I mention that Kyungsoo has decided to do singing classes with Lily? She was ecstatic when he asked her if she was okay with that.”

With red and pained hands Baekhyun split the flowers in half and placed them in the stone vases connected to both sides of Chanyeol’s grave. “I also quit my job.” Baekhyun rushed out, stuffing his hands in his pockets to hide his reddened skin. If Chanyeol had seen them he probably would have freaked out.

“Jongdae roasted me for it and then told if I couldn’t quit. But how can I manage those other idols when I couldn’t even my own idol.” He joked half heartedly. masking the truth behind a forced laugh and closing his eyes to avoid the onslaught of tears threatening to fall.

“You know Chanyeol, it’s been a year and this isn’t getting any easier.” Baekhyun’s voice cracked and he squeezed his eyes tighter. “I wanted to be happy today, since it’s your birthday and you always hated when I was sad on your birthday. But this one time is okay, right? I mean, I’m sad because you’re not here, so that doesn’t count… right?”

Cold drops against Baekhyun’s skin told him it was snowing again and Baekhyun took this as a sign that it was okay. He sniffled as he opened his eyes, his vision blurry as he struggled to keep in tears. “That kid you saved, Sehun, well he ended up following in your footsteps. He’s  been accepted as a trainee in the company, a rapper too. Just like you.”

Baekhyun sighed as a tear slipped past his defenses, “Of course he isn’t multi-talented like you are- I mean, like you were.” More tears fell as Baekhyun tried to remember to use past tense. “But…” Baekhyun sniffed, “I think he’ll do pretty well.”

The snow was picking up and Baekhyun’s legs were becoming numb and wet from the snow beneath them but Baekhyun didn’t have any plans of moving anytime soon.

“You were given a medal after you … died. A congratulations to losing your life while rescuing kids from a crumbling building. Lily has it hanging on the wall above her bed. I hear her talking to it- to you, late at night when she’s supposed to be sleeping.”

Baekhyun sniffed and pushed his legs out until he felt the wet snow beneath his and crossed his legs, leaning his forehead against Chanyeol’s grave. “You always had to play the hero, didn’t you? I told you that playing hero would get you killed one day, didn’t I? But you never listened to me… and now look where that has gotten us.” Baekhyun choked on a sob, “You’re dead and I’m all along raising our child Chanyeol… I don’t see the fairness in this.”

“You were supposed to be with me raising our daughter. We talked about how you’d be the bad dad and I’d be the good mom if she ever brought a boy to the house. You were supposed to walk her down the aisle and we were going to be empty nesters together and live into our nineties.” Baekhyun wiped away the tears that were falling in a steady stream, his body violently shaking from the coldness and sobs. “But now you won’t get to see our daughter fall in love, won’t be able to threaten the first guy to break her heart, and you won’t be able to see her gown up into a beautiful young lady and create a family of her own.”

Leaning his cheek against the grave Baekhyun dropped his voice into barely a whisper, “I won’t get to see you grow into the handsome man I planned on spending the rest of my life with... “

Baekhyun gripped his chest as he sobbed, words slipping out between choked coughs and violent shivers. “Why did you have to save him?” Baekhyun whispered harshly, “Why couldn’t you have just waited until the professionals got there?!” He slammed his fist against chanyeol’s grave, imagining it was his chest. “Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me alone Chanyeol?”

He hit the grave until his hand was numb from any pain, the cold no longer hurting. “You had no right to leave me…”

Baekhyun sat with his face against Chanyeol’s grave until his eyes ran dry and his entire body felt numb and he couldn’t move. He didn’t even think he could pull his face away from the grave, sure that the snow had frozen his face to it. Not that he cared much if it had. It would’ve given him a reason to stay there for awhile.

A ringing in his pocket pulled Baekhyun away from his angry thoughts about how Chanyeol abandoned them to the phone in his coat pocket, the familiar sound of soft tones forcing his body to move against it’s will.

Baekhyun slowly fished the phone out of his pocket and swiped to answer the call, taking a deep breath and sniffing before he brought the phone to his ear, “Hey baby girl.”

“Dad,” Lily’s voice filled with concern and worry spoke softly into the phone, “are you okay?”

“Don’t worry Lily,” Baekhyun said as he straightened up, his eyes glued to Chanyeol’s name, “I’m fine. Just having a very important chat with your father about Minseok. I still don’t think he approves.” He tried joking but the way his voice cracked had Baekhyun wincing and hoping Lily hadn’t picked up on it.

“Ugh, I’m pretty sure dad would approve of him.” She argued, “but it’s been two hours since you left… when are you coming home?”

Baekhyun pulled the phone away from his ear checking the time, his eyes widening at the realization. Quickly Baekhyun returned the phone to his ear, “I’m about to head home right now sweetie. I’ll see you when I get home. I love you.”

“Okay… Tell dad I’m sorry for not going and that I love him. I love you too, see you when you get home.” Then the phone went dead and Baekhyun was slowly returning his phone to his pocket.

“She’s still only ten but she’s a genius Chanyeol… you’d be amazed by how much she reminds me of you. She too, doesn’t like being apart for a long time. But I guess that’s because of you…” Baekhyun sighed and put his hands on the top of Chanyeol’s grave, using it to pull himself to his feet. “She’s sorry she coudn’t come and said she loves you. Maybe next time I can convince her to come… I love you Chanyeol, with all my heart.”

Once feeling was beginning to return to Baekhyun’s legs he let go of Chanyeol’s grave with one last glid of his hands over Chanyeol’s name, “I’ll come back soon to tell you all about how much of a bad kid this Minseok it. I hope you’re watching over us like I think you are. It’d be really embarrassing if you weren’t, to be honest.”

Turning around regretfully Baekhyun back tracked in his previous made footprints and got into the car, sitting in the dark while looking at Chanyeol’s grave a few minutes longer before starting his car and backing out of the graveyard the same way he came in, relief filling him when he car didn’t get stuck.

Chanyeol might’ve been crushed by the rumble but they said he didn’t feel a thing, it had been an instant death, and Baekhyun agreed, because instead of Chanyeol feeling the weight of the crushed rumble before he died, Baekhyun felt it everyday since Chanyeol had been gone. He felt it everytime he looked at their daughter, every time he saw their photos hanging around the house, and everytime he looked down at his left hand and saw the silver band Chanyeol had put on his finger the day they both said ‘I do’. Baekhyun was sure he’d feel the weight of that building until he died. But maybe, the more time went on, just maybe, it would lessen and Baekhyun would be able to visit Chanyeol with good news next time, and an actual smile.