I  met Jongdae in high school, it wasn’t hard to not notice him. He was the guy with the big bright smile, but also the guy who accidently spilled his tomato soup on my white shirt. 

He fussed around and I’ve never seen someone saying sorry so many times in such a fast way. After what seemed a whole 101 sorry(s) from him. I finally got to sneak in an “it’s okay”. 

That seemed to put a stop into the-half-way-into-his-101-bow-Jongdae “sorr- um what?” 

I couldn’t help but giggle at his dumbfounded face and tell him once again that “it’s okay really, stop apologizing so much” 

He looked at  ease after that and it was at that moment luhan decided to make his appearance with his “wit” (that idiot had been laughing the whole time during Jongdae’s apology marathon) 

“It’s okay dude, Yixing is a buddha anyways, he wouldn’t harm an ant so I hardly think he’ll get angry over you ruining his white shirt. Oh and on his first school day” Luhan said while flashing his “innocent” deer smile, which looks more like a serial killer in a hello kitty costume’s smile, if you ask me.

I could almost see the cloud of guilt over Jongdae and how sad wet puppies started to appear around him. I gave luhan a glare, hoping he’ll choke on his noodle and di- okay maybe not die; since he is my best friend and I need him and all that, but at least suffer a little for being a meanie. 
It happened so suddenly, the cloud disappeared and the sunshine came in like a wrecking ball and dried the wet puppies so they became happy puppies. 

“Hey! I got some spare clothes, come on I’ll lend you a shirt” 

I think it’s at that moment, the moment Jongdae grabbed my wrist and all but dragged me to his locker: that hell opened its door, and satan reached for my heart. 

“Yah xing”

“xing”

“xING!!!”

"Zhang Yixing!"

“daddy-”

“OMG JONGDAE SHUT UP!!” I gave the laughing Jongdae a hard slap before hiding my red face into my palms. 

I can’t with the nerve of this boy, sometimes I miss the guilty Jongdae that seemed much more polite than this version. It turned out that after lending his shirt, Jongdae had declared us, and I quote, “bros for life”. 

It was easy falling into steps with our friendship, it turned out that we mostly had same classes and that Jongdae’s friend Minseok was also a friend of Luhan. Being new at that time, Jongdae took it upon himself to make me “social” which I’m thankful for, really. I don’t want to be the new unfriendly kid, but perhaps Dae’s tactics aren’t in my list on how to approach strangers

Which leads us back to the scene, where you can find me extremely blushing and trying to ignore that piece of camel; Jongdae had apparently thought that signing me up for the school concert is “the best way let others know you Xing!” and may I remind you that I’m the definition of stage fright? Standing on stage brings back some top dark memories that I’ll rather not talk about.

So, of course, it’s only a given that I started ignoring Jongdae, ignoring Luhan’s “stop acting like a sad girlfriend”, and tried my hardest to block Jongdae’s existence.

Until I was suddenly flung out of my comfort zone aka me burying myself in my palms and into a chest.

“Yah Xing, I’m sorry okay, you don’t have to do the concert thing, you can sign out of it, you know” Jongdae used his aegyo voice while swinging us back and forth in his embrace.

I should’ve stepped away at that time, raise my boundaries up high and protect my heart. Because I could all but feel the way satan’s hand came in contact with the skin that hid my heart. 

I just woke up one day and realized it, that ah I’m falling for Jongdae.

In my confused state I skipped school, because I didn’t know how to face him. 
Was I gay? Is Jongdae even gay?  Why? When? questions that clouded my mind as I walked with no destination in mind. 

It ended up with me going back home and telling my mom that I was feeling sick. I couldn't get an answer to any of my questions, and it left me frustrated. What are good grades if I can’t even deal with my newly discovered ual orientation. I decided, since school obviously did badly on teaching us what to do when you wake up one day and discover that you like the same gender, google will do.  

I surfed the net all day that day, ignoring my mom’s calls to dinner and the notifications of new messages from my phone. By the end of it, I closed the tabs and deleted the history. Sat the laptop aside and laid under my blanket. The realization left me breathless and overwhelmed.  

I’m Zhang Yixing, 17 years old, in love with my best friend and gay.

I’m Zhang Yixing, and I’ve never felt so lost before.

As Satan finally took a hold of my heart, I cried myself to sleep.