Pristine whites wounded in green drapery hanged the high ceilings of the ceremony hall, all pretty and up to the choices of the exclusive and expensive planners. Nobody could tell that all that bright decorations were through and done in a short span of time, 23 days to be exact. A lot of hard work had gone in, thick green wads were shaken in front of the top and the best organizers to plan and come up with this. White lilies came from Thailand, chrysanthemums, roses, exquisite laces, danglers, years old wine......the list was never ending.

It was a wedding, but for me, it was nothing less than a funeral.

November chills battered my spine with added chills of rage and bitterness. I loathed being here, being at the white coffin ground, in mist. Clouds were grimy today, buzzing with anger as if they could sense my turmoil. Peeping around the place, I noticed the precision with which lights and tables were set across, not disturbing the overall theme of the wedding. Fairytale.

How ironical!

Fairytales are nothing just a blatant piece of lie our grandparents used to coax us into, white horses and protective princes don’t exist. Matches aren’t made in heaven, people don’t love.

Tears started pooling at the corners of my doe eyes which I forced back, not planning to give in to my senses. The wave of masses tossed in as a blur inside the wedding hall, all dressed up in high fashion gowns and top hats. Clinking of overpriced heels on the marble floor kept me sane, making me not to think back, keeping my anger in track. The hall was full in a matter of minutes, loud and obnoxious chatter could be heard from every nook and corner wherein invited guest spoke in high pitch while sipping on the precious wine. A lone table stood in the midst of the chattery crowd presenting a two layered round white cake full with red icing roses.

I’ll love to have pretty cake....the one we saw at the Sugar House...the white one with roses.  It looked so yummy.

Something tugged my heart; the white vanilla inanimately taunted me to the core. Dangerously close to putting in use of my clenched fist that had unconsciously formed, I fled out of the hall for a smoke. The happy atmosphere, the overall feel just killed me from inside, I couldn’t believe I was being a part of this wrongdoing, not able to even move feet. I had imagined a beautiful wedding. The heavy white of the strong smoke that I had grown accustomed to, circled my vision, blurring the present, sending me back in time. To the beginning of this chaos.

September, 2012

High winds were passing through the two faced windows of the 3^rd floor apartment, chiming the handful of picture-frames and small decor pieces that my roommate had placed on the table that stood proudly adjacent to the front window, swinging the brown and golden curtains. I jutted out a long sigh and stood up, bookmarking the current book I had been diligently into for quite some days  and putting it down on my unmade bed. Dragging my heavy feet, I quickly shut down the prancing windowsill and looked down, out of habit. Luckily the reading glasses that I had on due to my indulgence with the latest addition to the Lee Child series, allowed me to make out the two figures on near the parking, one with a stoic appearance and another too bubbly for their own good. Smile crept up my thin lips, thinking of the latest ‘love’ crush of my best friend, that girl. Shaking my head in a defeat, I lunged back to page 96, to the mystery that had started slowly building in the current chapter, which I was sure I won’t be able to finish today.

......deep waters of the CIA like a leviathan who surfaced only to devour its prey........

Hurried footsteps and loud shutting of the front door took me out of the lettered world and forced me to take off my reading glasses. Giving up, I slipped on my fluffy floaters and moved to the living room in my hideous pyjama avatar. Being into the second year of the fashion school, ironically fashion was always stood last on my list of priorities. First five positions went to sleeping, reading, family, friends and food, unsurprisingly. I had always been the dreamy, lazy one who lived in her own world.

Our three bedroom apartment was small yet airy holding us six girls who pooled in money at the end of every month for the rent. The walls were dipped in baby blue and wooded doors. Living room held a small couch and a centre table which were always pushed back during dinnertimes, the only time we ate together on the floor, spreading out plates and takeouts from nearby places. Many heart to heart took place in the small dual balconies that were smartly placed on the different sections of the apartment.

While entering the living area I was greeted by the sight of my short and spunky best friend, Sera who I unfortunately not roomed with, but that never stopped us sleeping on the same bed day in and day out, her own bed getting filled up the resultants of her various wardrobe tryout sessions. She was gulping down water hungrily as if she was out in the Sahara desert the whole day. I rolled my eyes when she almost choked on the water while trying to acknowledge my presence. Silly girl. I smoothed her back gently calming her down and took the abused bottle from her firm grasp with my free hands knowing her excited self.

Turning in my direction, Sera suddenly blurted, “Jongin proposed, he wanted to take me to the registrar’s office, to get married. To prove he loved me.”

Dumbfounded, I couldn’t take the words to my brain. What the hell. Jongin..that Vancouver senior...marriage. Even my nerve cells couldn’t think coherently about the situation in hand, jamming time to time. Going through the gust of thoughts, I partly ignored the expectant look Sera threw in my direction. Sera cannot be serious, sure enough, she attracted and got attracted by many boys but marriage, it was an impractical joke. Jongin was a two month old in her life, mere two months. I had met up with the senior many times in the college; he had a different major, a different style and stood out for his sweet smile and lack of native language skills. He seemed nice and warm, but he was new in Sera’s life and I didn’t want her to take haste decisions.

“Are you sure you love him too?” I whispered looking into her dark orbs, remembering the day when we all cornered her, taking on her promise to stick to a single guy. That event was important to make her leave her playgirl ways, to date and ditch many attractive lads.

She hesitantly nodded spooning me up in her arms ignoring the size difference we sported. “He is different from all the others I had ever had; he makes me feel loved and protected. He is just like a fairytale prince jerking me up off my feet, taking me to the world full of security. I feel warm in his presence,” she mumbled in my chest. Smiling at her dreamy state, I attached my stubby fingers into her straight raven hair, smoothing down the traces. Feeling my positive response, she continued in her deep voice, “I think I have finally found my soul mate. I think I’m finally in love.”

Present

They say love soothes you out, it sheds all the negativities from your hearts and brains. Love is when you feel happy and content. Stupid assumptions!

 Feeling curious glances on me, I put off my third stick of cigarette, crushing the poor reliever with my shoe laced toes. Not bothering much with the ceremonial outfit that I was nicely asked to adorn, I had my faded denim and too large sweatshirt on, a misfit into the society of the rich and the classic. Some said I was rebellious, some lazy, I was used to being judged by irrelevant masses, so it did not affect that the guests here were throwing disgusted eyes at me.

Hullabaloo and the sudden chaos that occurred several minutes later bought me back to reverie, huffing I moved back in the highly decorated ceremony hall to witness bespectacled high-cheeked groom dressed in a smart tux waiting at the altar, for the arrival of the bride. A lone tear escaped unwillingly, dropping onto my cheeks as I stood at the end of the rows, hiding in the crowd of the well wishers who were giddy to be a part of this conjoinment, clapping loudly. Memories revolved in my mind, directing me to the happy times.

December 2012

Several outfits lay messily on the unkempt bed, cold air mingled with the lingering scent of the variants of deodorants, exotic garden, lavender, sandalwood... Amidst all the haste, a high pitch voice shrieked, “Can you stop putting in perfumes? My head is going dizzy with all this smell”. Sera couldn’t stand scented stuff and we loved to irritate her. Smirking, Eeniar, my douche bag of a best friend voiced out, “Let it be Sera, we are meeting your lovely boyfriend officially for the first time. We have to get ready.”

The highly maintained Chinese restaurant we went to was nice and eerie, nicely carved wooden frames separated various sitting sections. Beautiful lanterns were placed artfully in asymmetrical style on the ceilings. Not many frequented the top-class food place due to its expensive menu but the food here was great, as experienced in my first visit with classmates. Jongin and Sera sat together in front of us while we three made ourselves comfortable on the cream couch, me, Eeniar and Colin, my roommate. Although having a constant smiling face, I knew Jongin was nervous, as he swept his gaze from one end to the other scrutinizing our faces. Sera started with the introductions and within minutes we soothed out in constant talks, taking instant liking towards the shy yet confident boyfriend of Sera. It was such a relief to see Sera that happy and loved.

They used to talk messily in English day in and day out, the only language Jongin was confident in. Exchanging gifts and promises, several dates and pretty flowers. There were some downs too, but where aren’t dips in the relationships, extending whenever Jongin went back to Vancouver, his hometown. Another phase came in her life with Jongin graduating, he left the city for his job but never left her without promises. Live talks turned into hour long phone calls, texts and several visits. Seeing Jongin getting much busier with months passing worried Sera, but she was aware of his love for work. Although she cried several times, Sera never showed her loneliness to her boyfriend.

After months of wait, she got a chance to work in the same company as Jongin as an intern. Life gave her a chance to revive her fading relationship and she took it with her both hands. All was well until one day.....

Present

The soft background music was taken up to a different level with the entrance of the bride, loud clapping echoed off the high walls. Beautified with spotless pure white lace dress with a tail, she looked divine, like an angel. Gliding to the altar, she got up the steps swiftly; linking her gloved hand with the groom’s who gave in a toothy smile to her. They posed shyly for the several camera shots, arm in arm, matching grins, I flinched at the sight that posed in front of my eyes.

Don’t we look lovely Kate? He never agrees for a picture, but I tricked him into taking one.

Rings got exchanged, with kisses and vows. A future was made upon the reminiscence of the past, blackness was wiped with the bright chalk, dusting minute grains on the fair ground. Smiles could be seen everywhere. I was left to witness it. These smiles stood nowhere the wide stretched ones of my wide-eyed best friend, nowhere.

August 2014

Early morning birds chirped noisily at our windowsill, making me hyperaware of the situation in hand. I knew something had been kept from me; I could sense the sneakiness and the abrupt talks but had decided against confrontment. But I had never imagined it to be this.

“Kate I’m pregnant.”

Sera and Eeniar had shaken me awake at the crack of dawn, awarding me with this piece of information. Although it had come to me as a shock, there was not even a single bit of disgust that crept into my brain. I was happy, I don’t know why, but I was. I was happy for Sera and Jongin, I was happy for the strengthening of their relationship. Despite knowing the fate of their lovechild, I knew that Jongin would never leave her hanging now. There was absolutely no reason for him to leave. He was there when she lost her child, holding her tightly, saying sweet nothings, cooing, scared but present. It was a relief in itself.

December that year came with a colder wind, shaking us all with Jongin admitting receiving arranged marriage proposals. His parents were not aware of his relationship with Sera and had decided to hook up him with someone of his place and society. Vancouver was far off. He couldn’t do anything against them, they were uptight and super-strict, getting Sera weep everyday to sleep. All the promises seemed fake, the clear dreams of future blurred. Although belonging to a conservative family, she had accepted being in love with a Canadian citizen, taking up all the emotional blows of her parents who were disappointed with her. Jongin wasn’t that brave.

After several pleadings, Jongin took in all his strength to tell his parents, which came out to be as expected. He was thwarted and shouted upon, disregarded and told to be the family name spoiler. Jongin even told them about their unborn child which forced them to meet up with Sera’s family. A lot of tears later, the meeting went in vain burdening both of them into emotional turmoil. She begged for Jongin to support her amidst all those shout matches wherein both her parents were openly weeping for her happiness. He averted his eyes, not able to go against anything. She came back empty handed, without Jongin, without his life.

“Do you know he gave me this ring? We have bonded forever Kate,” Sera had said defeated, twirling a simple gold band that adorned her slim ring finger of her left hand.

A few days later I had woken up from my deep slumber by the deep buzz at the side table across my bed. I tossed on my side, picking up the phone without glancing at the caller ID. I sprang up into sitting position while hearing quiet sobs, sensing at once who could it be.

“Sera,” I cooed into the phone.

“H..he is getting m..married K..kate, h..he couldn’t even wait,” her voice was gloomy and thick, she had been crying for hours.

I didn’t know what to say, Jongin was making me thick lipped. I let Sera cry on the phone, listening quietly. I was heartbroken, seeing her quivering confidence. The Sera I knew was sassy and full of energy, I couldn’t believe a mass of pain love had turned her into.

Her last sentence put off on fire, a complete sense of rage evolved in me. For a person, I completely adored, for Jongin.

“He texted me Kate, he says I was nothing but a nuisance in his life. Am I a nuisance Kate? He says the girl he is getting married to loves him. Did the three years with me was not enough? Did I not love him enough? Was the child I carried for two months not a proof of my love? I went against my Mom and Dad, I made them cry. Was it not a proof? If not, then what did I do Kate, I feel like dying.”

Present

Anger came back with the heart-wrenching memory, but I held back, remembering her words.

Kate, do this for me. Go to his wedding, give him my blessings. I have loved him long enough to give up; I will love him forever, even if he is not here.

Even if I’m not there.

I joined the queue of the well-wishers who were taking up turns to give their wishes to the newly married, biting my lips, holding myself. I had promised to stay strong, for her.

“Katherine,” the groom acknowledged me, wide-eyed, jaw-dropping. I smiled the most painful smile I could muster.

“Congratulations on your wedding Jongin, I hope you have a happy future ahead.” I slurred handing him the white envelope that carried the last letter from my best friend.

Dear Jongin,

I’m happy that you moved on. Getting married to you had always been a dream of mine, a dream only I saw. I can’t see it breaking in front of my eyes. I won’t blame you, though, the times with you were great. I’m happy that you got married to the girl who loved you.

I couldn’t love you enough Jongin. That’s why I’m going, away from you, away from the miseries of my life. I cannot assemble the broken pieces of my heart.

Be happy always.

Yours

Sera

I had walked on the shreds on my best friend’s funeral, and I did it again, situations differed but the resultant was same.

Jongin weds Taeyeon, the board had said this time instead of Remembering Sera.