She craved for affection but was terrified of what might ensue. She longed for a warm body pressed against hers during the cold nights but she trembles at the thought of how long of a process it’d take to get there. How long would it take for someone to accept her?

She was scared of not liking the warmth. She was scared of disliking affection and care. She had gone all her life without it - she didn’t need it. She just wanted it. The most affection she had ever gotten was when she dropped her belongings in the hallway and strangers would hand her her things. Her mom used her back as a carving board and her dad liked to paint her ribs purple and black. She never told anyone. Her parents worked hard. Helping them relieve their stress was a good enough payback for them giving her a roof to live under and food to eat. She didn’t think anything was wrong. It hurt - it hurt a lot - but the pain went away. She became numb to it.

It was the only constant thing in her life.

That was - until she came.

A bundle of happiness, beauty, and talent mixed into one tiny girl. Her name was Wendy. She sat next to her in almost all of their classes - mostly because she sat alone in almost all of her classes, so Wendy didn’t really have any choice. The girl was very upbeat and talkative - the literal opposite of Seulgi. Seulgi often thought people like Wendy were annoying - but Wendy wasn’t annoying - not to Seulgi. To Seulgi, Wendy was a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunlight that came into the dark and lonely cage she was trapped in. Wendy was everything Seulgi needed and more. Wendy was the person Seulgi wanted.

But to Wendy, Seulgi was just her seat partner. Despite holding many conversations with the taller girl about school work, it stopped there. Seulgi was desperate to push deeper into their starting relationship but she had no clue how. Seulgi heard her classmates warn Wendy about her - about how she was scary, about how she was a loner, about how she was depressed. If it bothered Wendy at all then she didn’t show it because Wendy was always the same when she spoke to Seulgi. She was another constant in Seulgi’s life.

Seulgi liked to hear about Wendy’s day. Her family was nice - she lived with both her parents and an older brother. She liked to hear about their family game nights and the dinners they had. It didn’t make her jealous - not at all - she was more happy for Wendy and how she had a loving family than she was sad about her own. Whenever Wendy tried to talk about Seulgi’s family, Seulgi would awkwardly brush it aside. (She was always awkward. Wendy once told her that she found it cute. Seulgi didn’t know how to respond.)

Her mother was rather angry one night - placing a good slap onto Seulgi’s left cheek for forgetting to do the single dish that was in the kitchen, not forgetting to call her own daughter a waste of money and space before entering her room - probably to drink away her stress. Seulgi knew that the ring on her mother’s finger had sliced her, blood slowly oozing out of the cut. She stood in front of the sink and washed the same dish over and over again, making sure that it was spotless. She didn’t bother to wash her face until she entered the shower.

When she came to school the next day, everyone eyed her but nobody said a thing. There were hushed whispers about her getting into a fight with some delinquent living on the streets and others saying she did it to herself for attention. Wendy was the only one who actually took initiative to ask her about it.

“What happened?” Wendy asked, eyebrows furrowed. Seulgi always loved the way Wendy expressed her emotions using her entire face. It made her smile even at her weakest moments.

She felt warm fingers reach up to feel the area of her cheek just below the cut, almost cupping her jaw line. Seulgi moved away as she felt her stomach flutter.

“A - A cat.” Seulgi answered weakly, giving a small smile. Wendy dropped her hand to her lap.

“A cat?” She questioned. She quirked an eyebrow. Seulgi felt her neck warming up, the sensation moving to the tip of her ears as Wendy continued to maintain eye contact with her.

“Yeah. A cat.” Seulgi said. Wendy narrowed her eyes.

“So you didn’t fight some druggie on the streets?”

Seulgi laughed even though the predicament she was in wasn’t humorous in any way. “No, Wendy. I didn’t fight some druggie on the streets.”

“Okay. That’s good.” Wendy nodded her head as she opened her notebook. “I can’t be friends with a drug addict.”

“But you can be friends with a depressed loner?” Seulgi quipped with a hint of a smirk on her lips. Wendy nudged her shoulder.

“I guess the loner’s not so lonely anymore, eh?” She smiled. Seulgi smiled back, her brain clouding up with fuzzy thoughts. Wendy cleared . “Do you wanna hang out after school?”

Seulgi’s eyes widened at the suggestion. She thought about the consequences that might occur if she did go out - it was a Friday and both of her parents would be out late. She should be home before them. “Where?”

“I’d say my house because it’s not that far,” Wendy looked up from her notebook, “but we could go to some cafe nearby, if that’d be more comfortable for you?”

“Your house is fine.” Seulgi answered. She didn’t want Wendy to be seen with her in public. “Your house works.”

“Cool.” Wendy smiled at her. “See you then.”

And then it all happened too fast. Too fast for Seulgi to stop anything. (Though, it wasn’t like she wanted to stop it.)

Seulgi’s brain always screamed at her to stop - to stop because she’d just become a nuisance to Wendy. Because she always became just a nuisance. Seulgi felt weak because she knew even if she tried to distance herself from the girl that it wouldn’t work - not when Wendy smiled at her with both of her eyes twinkling, not when Wendy laughed like she had not a care in the world - which she probably did not, not when her family was so supportive and so amazing. Seulgi knew deep down inside that she would become something that Wendy would care about. Hell, she probably already is. Wendy’s carefree world would suddenly come crashing down because of her - and Seulgi didn’t want that to happen.

But, when it’s three in the morning on a Friday night and she has Wendy’s legs tangled between her own, soft lips attached to hers, she doesn’t think about that. In fact, she doesn’t think about anything except the girl in her arms. The girl with light skin and dark eyes. The girl whose dark, brown eyes were the lightest thing in her world. It was only a matter of time until those eyes would diminish into nothingness as all good things in Seulgi’s world did. A soft whimper from Wendy’s lips pulled Seulgi back into reality. She smiled against the girl’s lips, pulling her closer.

Seulgi wanted to latch onto whatever they had as long as she could before Wendy slipped away. Before she slipped away. She knew it wouldn’t last long.

It hurt more and more each time Seulgi would escape out of Wendy’s bedroom window - the blue bruises that never seemed to hurt before hurt more than ever. The scratches on her back that were numbed with void suddenly causing pain to shoot throughout her body. Whenever Wendy would glance at her during school hours, clearly desperate to start a conversation, Seulgi would bite her tongue. She didn’t realize how difficult keeping the wall between her and Wendy would be.

Seulgi stuffed her hands into her sweater’s pocket and sighed as she walked home. Wendy wasn’t home that night. Why wasn’t she home? She kicked a pebble on the sidewalk. It was nearly two in the morning. Seulgi risks her wellbeing every time she sneaks out to meet Wendy. She didn’t like leaving only to not get to be with Wendy. It worried Seulgi more than it aggravated her.

On Monday, Wendy only said one thing to her.

“I have friends, you know?”

It was such a short sentence but it hurt more than any slap her mother ever gave to her. Seulgi nodded and backed off like a neglected puppy. She tried to distance her and the brunette as much as she could despite them being seat partners.

When lunch came around, Seulgi stayed seated. Wendy stood as her friends surrounded her. They talked about what had happened on Friday - talked about how fun it was. Wendy engaged in conversation excitedly, agreeing on what they said was the highlight of their night, right in front of Seulgi. Wendy wasn’t aware of how much she meant to Seulgi. Seulgi understood that. She understood that she wasn’t much to Wendy despite Wendy being the most important person in her life at the moment. Of course it stung when Wendy left her behind. But that was what Seulgi wanted. Seulgi didn’t want Wendy to get attached - didn’t want her to get hurt.

It was okay.

Seulgi got used to physical pain.

She could get used to this.

But then, Wendy greeted Seulgi at the window one night. “Let’s stop.” She said before Seulgi could even reach the window. Seulgi’s steps slowed. “What?” She said.

Wendy repeated her earlier sentence. “Let’s stop.” She said. Upon seeing Seulgi’s confusion, she explained. “I’m starting to see somebody.”

It was like a stab right in the heart. Seulgi nodded and reached up to put her hood over her head, hands going back into her sweater’s pocket. “Alright.” She said, trying to keep her voice leveled. She gave a small smile. “They’re really lucky.” Wendy’s eyes softened.

“You could be lucky, too.” She said with a hint of desperation. Seulgi shook her head and took a step back.

“I’m never lucky.” She let out a small laugh before turning on her heels and walking back home. She arrived home only to see the lights on.

Her parents were awake.

And, suddenly, they were, once again, the only constants in her life.