FIRST IMPRESSION.

(This is the reviewer’s analysis of the story at first glance. This will include the title, tags, foreword, description, graphics, layouts, and even the first chapter. Furthermore, this will discuss if readers will be interested enough to read your story.)

Your title is obviously calling out for readers who had already watched the drama series “School 2015”, making it easier for them to notice that your story is based on the drama characters. On the other hand, the disadvantage is that, to those who didn’t watch the drama, they will most probably ignore this story for fear that they will not relate or that they may not follow the storyline.

If your target is only the readers who had already watched the storyline and expected them to know already the background/drama, your title SCHOOL 2015 – RESET is just alright for a title. For a regular reader who didn’t stumble on the actual drama series yet, the title isn’t too captivating at first glance. Like what is already mentioned, they won’t bother reading due to not relating to the drama series. If your target is the whole community, which means, whether they watched the drama or not, I suggest giving more “oomph” to the title.

What do I mean by giving “oomph”? This means that you may need to revamp your title. If you wish to emphasize that your fanfic is about School 2015, you have the tags to do that. It seems like you used “Reset” because of “resetting” the ending into your own. But, looking at the story further, the title didn’t give justice since the plot is more than just “resetting” what the drama had offered. Because as first impression, a title like SCHOOL 2015 RESET isn’t too appealing enough for readers.

Before I delved any further, I would like to divide the review into two: the fan-based and the regular-based section. “Fan-based” pertains to readers who are familiar/or had already watched the drama, while “Regular-based” means readers who are not familiar/or never watched the drama…

Regular-based (to those who didn’t watch the drama): The description is short yet gives enough for regular readers to continue with the first chapter. I liked how you didn’t reveal the numerous sub-plots, and just mentioned one conflict (that is, the revealing of her secret should she help her sister). This withdrawing of the details will surprise the readers once they discovered that the plot is more than what it seems to be. It isn’t too confusing to follow for regular readers who are not familiar with the characters. Although, a little suggestion is to emphasize that Eunbi is her sister. Because at first glance, it seems like “Yi Ahn” is a girl’s name. Why not also italicize “I liked you from the start”? Also, with the statement, “Go Eunbyul thought all her problems were solved,” what are the problems that were solved? Mention them briefly, and then move on to your next statement.

Fan-based (to those who watched the drama): It is expected that readers can follow the description easily. They knew the characters, who is whom. They are also expected that they knew immediately what those “problems that were solved”. In writing fanfiction based on drama characters, we as writers don’t need to worry if fans of the drama will read our fanfics. Because whether descriptions are good or not, as long as they are about their favorite couples or favorite drama, they will surely click it.

From your foreword, you gave hints that your story is based on the open ending of the drama. As a suggestion, it would be much easier for readers if you will give short background about the Korean drama to avoid confusion especially to the general readers.

As conclusion for the description and foreword, I suggest: first, set your target audience. Who are your readers? Who do you want to read your story? Fans who already knew about the drama? Or are you wishing for the general readers? Because, looking at your fanfic, it seemed like you’re only considering the fans of the drama series.

Your prologue started very shakily. From the start, you raised confusion, especially to us readers who never watched the drama. What are the two characters talking about all of a sudden? We later find out that she confessed her feelings to him. It would help if you started the prologue by setting up the place/the characters/or even maybe starting the prologue with her confession to him like “I like you”. That way, the scenes that follow would be easier to follow. Another element which added to the confusion is that readers have a hard time in distinguishing who is speaking a certain dialogue. Your style is direct to the point when it comes to the conversations, without using “he said/she said”, expecting readers to already know who is speaking. The only clues left for readers to understand who is speaking is your usage of the characters’ names and the “he and she” in the dialogues themselves. But even that didn’t help, because sometimes, you have errors in “he/she”. It would greatly help if you will emphasize who is speaking the particular lines, such as “he said, EunByul asked, she emphasized, he stated, etc”.

For example:

“Are you crazy?” – original. Now, who is speaking here? Is it the girl or the boy?

“Are you crazy?” he stated. – revised. This way, the readers will immediately grasp who is speaking.

Because of the confusion aroused by the way the lines are written and the lack of brief introduction to the scene, readers will tend to read slowly in order to understand what is happening. Even I had a hard time reading. I have to go back and forth in order to understand what they are talking about and who is talking this line and that.

The scene of the prologue itself is interesting. The dialogues are very witty and the distinctive traits of the characters are emphasized: Taekwang being his playful, funny self, while Eunbyul being indignant, bossy, yet charming. You also introduced immediately what your story description had highlighted: Eunbyul approaching him through this for her sister’s sake. There’s an immediate drama in the prologue that certainly can catch readers’ attention. The only drawback are the way you’ve written the dialogues. Do consider my suggestion above.

The poster seemed romantic and I understand that your story is trying to be on the more mysterious type. Unfortunately, I don’t see suspense in the poster. But still, the poster looks dreamy.  And I liked how the trailer didn’t reveal too much.

Reviewer’s First Impression as an Ordinary AFF Reader:

To be honest, the title would not really make me click on the title since I didn’t watch the drama yet and I’ll be worried that I will not relate to the characters. I liked your short description though, since I liked mystery and romance on the same page. It would help a lot if I’ll learn about the drama plot in the foreword, instead of me exiting from AFF just to goggle the drama. The prologue certainly hooked me with those few moments of Taekwang and Eunbyul. Just remember what I’ve already emphasized above.

PLOT/SETTING/FLOW/CHARACTERS.

Despite the fact that your story is a “sequel” of the drama, I can see the originality and the painstaking way you’ve inserted each scene in the story. From the beginning, it was emphasized that EunByul wanted to start anew with her sister, but trouble is brewing, which she assumed to be caused by Taekwang’s interference of her sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, but later on, we’ll find out that is not the case. The plot doesn’t only center on the romance aspect, but is also developing the suspense surrounding the characters: Who is this “someone” bothering Eunbi if not Taekwang? Who is Yonbi? Who is Minhyuk? What is Taekwang waiting for Eunbi to tell? There is an obvious mystery charging in the atmosphere, and readers are kept guessing what will happen next.

The sub-plots like the introduction of new characters and Eunbi’s “jumpy” actions are injected tastefully and with great timing. It’s like there’s no filler episode, because each scene will contribute to the upcoming .

The characters have their own personality and thoughts. Each one is loveable and relatable. They are realistic. Eunbyul is very straight-forward, while Eunbi seemed distant and isn’t very open. The contrasting traits of the twin is just a wonder to read. Each girl differs from the other despite being a twin. They are very distinctive that even though their name is not emphasized in the paragraphs, you can grasp immediately which among the twin is talking.

Eunbyul is a “real” sister. A sibling would certainly do everything to protect the other. Being persistent as she is, Eunbyul certainly showed her love and protectiveness towards Eunbi, even if that means revealing her secret that she like Taekwang all along. She is also loveable in a way that she isn’t “evil” jealous of Taekwang’s feelings for Eunbi. Her relationship with her sister is portrayed realistically, with the way she fished out Eunbi’s phone to check her messages or when she silently supports Eunbi’s relationship with her boyfriend. Her sauciness and straight-forward personality made me think of the characters Kim So-Hyun played in her dramas. You certainly captured the essence of those characters she had portrayed before. Despite liking Taekwang romantically, I liked how her character expressed annoyance sometimes towards him.

Eunbi is quite the opposite of her twin. There is really a individual trait between the two. Her mannerisms and actions certainly portrayed that of someone who has her secret problems. It’s a mystery that still needs solving and I liked how wrong Eunbyul thinking that it’s because of Taekwang. There are times that Eunbi gets exasperating to readers, maybe that is what you really want as a writer to portray, that due to this “mysterious” problem, Eunbi is withdrawn and distant from her friends.

Shijin and SongJoo also stood out from the story for being supportive and for having their own opinions on what is happening around them. They are not just there for the sake of the main characters having friends. They are also the backbone/support for the twins.

Taekwang’s one-sided love is interesting to look forward to, considering now that another girl confessed to him, which he didn’t believe, not a single word.  I liked how his immediate reaction is to be skeptical since she, who didn’t acknowledged him before was now confessing all of a sudden that she liked him. I liked it that the projection of his thinking is that: She is just saying that for him to get away from his sister. It’s also interesting to know what he is really feeling for Eunbyul. Readers get to question whether he returns Eunbyul’s feelings despite him saying that he didn’t. His actions certainly say differently.

Yi Ahn is quite the angst type, on the other hand, considering what he and Eunbi is going through. There is certainly a depth on his character, the way his thoughts are projected during his tournament when his coach was talking to him. I liked that his character is vulnerable to defeat, especially with the arrival of Minhyuk in the swimming team. His relationship with Eunbi is quite confusing though. What happened between them? Why is there a bridge in their relationship? What caused them apart?

The arrival of Minhyuk and Yoobin is certainly interesting. I guessed Yoobin’s quite unhappy with her adoptee parents. Im thinking maybe the twins are the lost children of her parents. Clues are certainly pointing to that possibility. Her character is exciting to watch out for. She has a weird personality coupled with her shocking actions. The way she looked at Eunbi certainly spoke volumes of who Yoobin really is. Looking at her now, I cannot say that she’s a villain…yet.

Minhyuk’s introduction on the other hand, is just too cute for words. He is certainly playful, but can read the whole situation when you least expect it. Readers can see why EunByul took a liking on him immediately. He is just likeable and unexpectedly heroic. He also brought out with him an air of mystery that needs solving. Who exactly is MinHyuk? I also liked how his moments with EunByul certainly brought that comical reactions from Taekwang.

As to the flow of the story, readers have to read slowly in order for them to understand what is happening. There are chapters wherein you injected scenes as if emphasizing that they are happening at the same time. It’s fine to do this, however it gets confusing. It would be easier to follow if only two scenes are played back and forth in a single chapter, not multiple scenes.

The way you also start a chapter by a “preview” of what happened from the last chapter certainly answered some queries. However, there are times that these “previews” get confusing. Confusing in a way that, for one, readers don’t know who is exactly talking in a certain dialogue. And in that preview, what is exactly happening? You didn’t emphasize your setting enough. Some previews seemed choppy and confusing. While some previews certainly gave answers to previous cliffhangers.

May I also emphasized the usage of italics in flashbacks will greatly improve the flow. It is not considered professional for a writer to write “flashback” bolded and with colon. Just simply italicize and narrate that a scene flashed before a character’s mind, instead of saying “flashback”.

For example: The first version is the ideal way of writing flashbacks. With practice, you can improve this area.

She stopped writing as the scene from yesterday played in her mind.

“I hate you,” he whispered harshly, his eyes b with angry tears. His fingers curled against her skin, which she tried valiantly to ignore.

“Will it help if I cease to exist?” she asked, as her palm shakily caressed her cheek.

She felt him winced when she touched him. His eyes blazed anew.

She closed her eyes as flood of images continued torturing her.

INSTEAD OF:

She stopped writing.

FLASHBACK:

“I hate you,” he whispered harshly, his eyes b with angry tears. His fingers curled against her skin, which she tried valiantly to ignore.

“Will it help if I cease to exist?” she asked, as her palm shakily caressed her cheek.

She felt him winced when she touched him. His eyes blazed anew.

END OF FLASHBACK

She closed her eyes as flood of images continued torturing her.

I would like to highlight again the importance of emphasizing who is speaking in a particular dialogue. This is because the way you’ve written yours is honestly confusing and some readers may give up. In your case, readers even need to go back and forth in order to understand what is happening. Please also correct “he or she” because sometimes the guy becomes the “he” and vice-versa.

There are some sentences that you’ve aligned in the center making it too confusing for the readers to follow. I cannot highlight the text because text selection is disallowed. Please reread again your story from the very beginning and fixed what needed fixing.  

PLOT HOLES/POINTS:

The problem is not really in the plot and the sub-plots, but it’s on the way you’ve written your paragraphs. Always remember to read before posting.

1. WHO IS YOOBIN? Remember to emphasize who she really is and how she came to be in that school.

2. WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS “STALKER” OF EUNBIN?

3. WHO IS MINHYUK? Will he play a vital role that will change the lives of the characters?

4. WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED BETWEEN EUNBIN AND HER BOYFRIEND?

Those are the questions that seemed vital so far since the story is still progressing.

WRITING STYLE/GRAMMAR/CONVENTIONS.

You have a different writing style compared to the norms in AFF. You tried to make each character grow through their thoughts and how they interact with one another. I can certainly see how “deep” your thinking is, with the way you played with character’s thoughts as they deal with their situations.

Just remember what I’ve already emphasized about your flashbacks, dialogues, and pronouns (he or she). Also, watch out for the switching of tenses. Sometimes you’re using present, then later on you switched to past tense.

REVIEWER’S PREFERENCE/AFTER READING THE LAST CHAPTER…

I have a great knack for mystery and romance. I was quite surprised how the deceptively simple plot written in the description turned into this series of sub-plots that certainly captured my attention till the last chapter. The romance is certainly brewing, despite the mystery you’re trying to project in your story. You didn’t forget about the romance part and those romantic scenes brought spices to the whole set-up. Your characters are really loveable. Each has distinctive voice and thoughts, making them well-rounded. Your title, after reading the last written chapter, didn’t really give justice to the whole story. I really think that it deserves a better title, one that would attract the attention of the general readers. As a reader who didn’t watch the drama, I am definitely intrigue and is now eager to watch the drama series. Again, I’m sorry for the delay. Life is really hectic outside, with work and study calling for some attention. Anyway, would you like to enter in a writing contest? It’s the Asian Drama Writing Contest. If interested, click here. Thank you once again for choosing Constructive Criticism Shop!