What Happens Next

Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. I could taste the bitterness of it at the tip of my tongue as I sob. My hands went to my mouth to stifle my cries not wanting to make a noise. I didn’t know when or how long I was at there at the restroom of my school. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t care less.

I could see my world falling apart into pieces right in front of me. I don’t know if I could still survive. I don’t know if I could still continue life like what is was before. I don’t know if I still have the reason to face and fight life.

There’s no one who could take this pain in my heart. No one could even imagine what I’m feeling. No one knows. No one really cares.

As I close my eyes, all I could see was the reason of this pain I’m feeling. I didn’t know if I could still close my eyes without seeing it or open my eyes and realize everything won’t be the same anymore.

I felt so alone and broken as I hugged my knees. My eyes still closed, I tried to remember if there were happy thoughts left if sadness still hasn’t occupied my whole mind. But all I could see was his faint smile before he completely closed his eyes and I knew right there, he won’t wake up anymore.

It was so painful to see. It was just yesterday morning when that happened. He was my best friend, my boyfriend.

Jiyong.

Early this month, I noticed he was getting paler and paler as days passes by. And we were just strolling around the streets, chatting what it would be like to graduate high school and what will we be after, when he suddenly knelt down the stoned pavement, coughing blood.

I called his parents and we rushed him to hospital though he told us he’s just having a really bad cough. After two days, he was diagnosed of cancer of the blood stage 4.

And just then, their parents told me that he had symptoms of leukemia when he was 8 but the doctor told them to not be alarmed by it, a few treatments will normalize his white blood cells circulating his body. After treatments for two years, they declared he was now fine and normal.

But what happened earlier this month was because the white blood cells rose up again on his blood streams. The doctors bowed their heads at us, feeling sorry that they can’t do anything more. It was already worse than any of them or anyone could handle.

At that moment, I tried to not show any sign of sadness or any emotions at all. I felt so shocked to the point that I don’t even know if it was really happening. But as I gaze down at my boyfriend with all of the medical stuffs around him keeping him alive, it was all real. He was starting to lose his hair. He was getting skinnier. He was slowly drifting apart from living.

I stayed with him every day of his stay at the hospital.

Held his hand when he was feeling pain, kissed his forehead when he’s feeling sleepy but every night he closes his eyes, I felt completely scared that he might not wake up. I showed him strength though I felt so broken. I smiled though I felt like crying.

And what hurts more was he kept on smiling each day like there’s nothing wrong. He knew he would leave and he accepted it. It was his fate, he says.

But he told me one thing he feared, leaving me. I held his hand, gave it a light peck and told him, ‘I’ll be alright’. I knew it was a sin to lie, but it would be more sinful to make him feel burdened before he leaves.

He smiled weakly, ‘I’ll be watching so you need to keep that as a promise.’ I tried really hard not to shed a tear. I bit my lower lip and nodded at him.

‘Can you hug me?’ He suddenly asked in a quiet tone. My eyes looked at his, he was feeling sleepy. I smiled and hugged him till he fell asleep. When I heard his quiet snore, I slowly removed my arms around him. I caressed his pale skin of his cheek.

‘Can’t I just go with you?’ I whispered as I looked at his face. Just then, a single tear escaped my eye and fell on the back of my hand.

In the near future, I can’t caress his soft skin anymore, kiss his soft lips to show him how much I love him, hug him to feel his warmth, and hear his voice to tell me how he was so happy to know and have me.

It made me cringe just by thinking of it happening. But for now, I need to savor everything we have. Be with him and don’t think of what the future will be.

And then yesterday happened that I didn’t expect; he was suddenly coughing more blood than the usual. He was getting worse than ever. We were all there beside him. His parents and I were trying really hard to be strong and pray for what’s best.

I held his hand tight until he stopped coughing. He looked at all of us ever so slowly like he was memorizing everything around him. His gaze finally fixed at me. He weakly smiled as his trembling hands went to the side of my face.

I closed my eyes, taking all of the warmth of his hand into mind. My eyes threatened to fail me to keep my virtue to be strong for him as I could feel it heating up and forming tears.

I opened my eyes, not wanting to miss everything though I was scared to face what will eventually happen.

He weakly smiled once again. His eyes were searching my own as if asking me permission if he could leave without any regrets.

I held his hand that was on the side of my face and brought it to my lips. I briefly gave it a peck before I heard him took a really deep breath. His hand that I’m holding slowly slips away the same time his eyes slowly closed.

Cries of grief echoed around the room knowing he would never open his eyes anymore. I didn’t cry but instead held his hand and still kept what I promise, that I’ll be fine if he leaves.

I’ll be fine, I also told myself.

That same night they put his ash into display at a room for those who wanted to grief, I was silent at the corner of the room and just prayed to God that he’s alright in where he is right now.

His and my parents comforted me though they were the ones who were crying. They told me it was alright to cry but I shook my head. It wasn’t alright to cry knowing he might see me.

I told them I was alright. Today, I decided to attend my class, our class, like nothing happened. I knew everyone in the campus already heard of what happened. We even prayed for him before our class started.

But as I gaze at his empty chair which was just beside me, tears suddenly flowed out of my eyes and seeing the words written on his table ‘J S FOREVER’ made me stand up and leave my class.

The next thing I know, I was at the ladies’ restroom, alone crying. Crying like I never cried before. I just can’t see my future anymore without him. We had plans for our future and now it would be just a dream. A dream that I know will never come true.

‘I’m sorry.’ I kept apologizing, hoping he could hear me. I apologize for crying. I apologize for lying that I’ll be fine. I apologize for not being strong enough. I apologize that I wanted to just die and be with him.

Minutes passed, tears dried on my face and I just stared nowhere in particular. I felt lifeless. I decided to leave the restroom after fixing myself. I don’t want the teachers and my classmates to worry.

Just as I was out of the ladies’ restroom, I saw a little boy wearing the school’s preparatory uniform leaning at the wall near me.

He raised a bottle of water at me. I blinked and stared at it then questioningly looked at the young boy.

“I heard you crying. My mom told me that if you cry for so long, you lose water in your body so here’s the water from my lunch box. Hope it’ll regain the water that went out of your eyes.” He explained while smiling sweetly at me.

I took it from him and bent down to take a good look of the little boy. “Thanks.” I said as I slightly tapped his head. “What’s your name?”

He slightly bowed his head before introducing himself with enthusiasm. “Hi. Nice to meet you, I’m Jaeyon. 7 years old. ”

I felt a breeze of wind on my skin; my hair slightly flowed with the wind. The little boy’s name sounded just like his name.

I tried to not cry in front of the boy so I told him, “You can go back to your class now. Noona, will drink this water. I promise.”

He smiled before taking a step forward and giving a sweet peck on my left cheek. “Ok. Bye, Noona!” He said as he started running to where the building of the preparatory and elementary students was, not too far from where I am.

I touched the side of my face. Then, I found myself smiling, not forced or anything. I was for the first time, smiling like I meant it.

I was about to stand when a hand appeared in front of me. I looked up and saw a familiar guy. At first I can’t seem to recognize him but then his eyes made me remember. He was a guy I once knew, my childhood friend who migrated to America right before we entered high school.

Choi Seunghyun.

He looked much more different than before. He has his chubby cheeks way back but now, he has a really well defined cheek-bones. It was evident that he grew so fast.

“Noona, is that your boyfriend?” I suddenly heard Jaeyon’s voice and when I looked around to find him, he was standing a few feet away from me, hiding behind a tree.

I snickered at the little nosy boy. He just smiled sweetly and said, “I’m happy there’ll be someone with you now.”

It gave me shivers down my spine. It was as if my boyfriend was Jaeyon and was speaking to me. Maybe he really was, giving me a sign that he’s alright and happy and I should too. Maybe he wanted to make sure that I have someone beside me before he completely leaves.

He waved goodbye before Jaeyon completely left.

‘Goodbye, Jiyong.’ I whispered to myself as I wave back. Just like that, tears continuously rolled down my face again. For the last time, I’ll cry.

When someone knelt down in front of me, it made me remember that Seunghyun was holding out his hand to me a moment ago. I looked back at him. He smiled sincerely before he gently wiped my tears. I was taken aback for a moment, staring at him.

“Don’t stare at me like that, Dara.” I heard him said teasingly that made me blink. I bowed my head and cleared my throat in embarrassment.

I heard him laugh. It was deep but very fun to hear. He really did change a lot. I still can’t believe that he was the same chubby kid I played with.

He stood up and held his hand out at me again before he asked, “Do you want to stand?” I pouted before I decided to accept his hand.

“Are you alright?” He asked, still holding my hand as I was now standing. I looked at his eyes who looked worried as both of it searched through my orbs.

I thought for a moment before my lips tugged into a smile. “Yeah.” I said and I really meant it, for real.

I may never see Jiyong in this world again but someday at the right time and place, I’ll see him. And for now, I think he wanted me to find happiness through the man standing in front of me.

I guess my heart do deserves to be put back into place and have its second chance to beat for someone.

a/n: I wrote this while listening to a cover of Dare You To Move by Jayesslee. I just made it out of the blue so yeah… Hope you guys would like it somehow