The beginning of what would become one of the greatest chapters of my life was a simple coincidence. One day many years ago I had decided to give my dream a chance and that's when I had auditioned for a South Korean entertainment company. At the time I expected a straightforward rejection but to my surprise, I was accepted as a trainee. Since then I had been under training for a couple of years before finally being approved for debut. Things went notably well compared to my earlier assumptions which were based on not being too hopeful in case of possible disappointment. There was a lot of competition after all. Either way, the group gradually grew in popularity and the people in charge seemed to still believe in our success. As the group's second year since debut slowly approached we had been requested to perform the latest comeback track at a well known music show. It was only after the performance when descending the staircase that I met my personal favorite group in person for the first time. The atmosphere was as I had imagined it: playful yet genuine. Amongst them was evident professionalism. The members in my group noticed my admiring stares and urged me to introduce myself. It only took some proper persuasion and there I was, politely speaking with them as a dongsaeng would to a sunbaenim. After that instance I found myself forming a stable friendship to each one of the seven members. Particularly so with a certain prominently famous rapper.

It was a normal friendship, nothing more and nothing less, but every single time I met up with him I couldn't help but feel somewhat nervous. The more time passed, the stronger the sense of butterflies fluttering their wings inside my belly grew. Once in a while I dared stealing glances at him to admire his complexion and plump lips. There was no doubt that he was handsome. Could it truly be wrong of me to appreciate his character as much as I did? I didn't think so. At times I doubt soared through me like a knife causing me to question my entire perception of it. Especially since we, as idols, were not allowed to indulge in romantic relationships. Certainly not with another man. Still, my heart was pounding intensely just from staring at him.Because of that single strong emotion I ended up deciding to carefully try the waters.

At the time, I was already certain of my liberated ual identity but I pretended to just recently have begun questioning it by quietly stating said suspicion. He had previously been busy scribbling down lyrics to some new songs in the studio but quietly stopped as my words were uttered. Silence filled the room like fog until he finally answered, wondering if I was sure. There was genuine concern hidden in his voice. Instead of replying I simply nodded and was greeted with another moment of silence until he asked how I knew. I didn't know what response would be appropriate so I simply expressed it in the most predictable fashion you can imagine. "I just... know."

There was an expected moment of silence yet again and I seriously began believing he intended to throw me out and never speak to me again. I was proven wrong. Instead of looking at me, which I didn't necessarily mind, he shot me another question asking why there was a need to come out to him. It wasn't that he didn't care, even though I admitted he sometimes came off as a nonchalant jerk, but it didn't matter. To said question, a wave of uneasiness surged over me and I found myself having difficulty answering. While pondering about what to say I turned my gaze downwards to my smartphone screen. That is, until the words blurted out of my mouth. It was simple really. I just didn't want him to find out in an inconvenient manner and then hate me for being outside the norm. His religion didn't support it, either. My personal opinion was that it couldn't be helped. I'd have rather taken possible harsh words in a direct confrontation than experience a dear friend abruptly withdrawing from me. The conversation quietly died down after that daring but honest announcement.

Fortunately, we continued to occasionally hang out at the studio whenever he had time over. The harmonious atmosphere was calming for the both of us as a place of escape from the stressful life of an idol. Sometimes he needed advice for a song and I was perfectly willing to aid him to the best of my ability. During those hours, conversation wasn't entirely necessary. Short answers and gestures was enough. But as time passed by I gradually became gloomy. Not being able to express the strong affection I felt within me towards him felt as if I was slowly dying but my surroundings failed to notice. Maybe they did but I was nevertheless not aware. Long story short, I decided to do something that would either lead to a demolished friendship or begin something dangerous which potentially could put both of our careers in jeopardy. Writing the small note by hand and knowing what damage it could do was undeniably terrifying. Even so, as a backup plan, I added that he could pretend it never happened and forget about it if my confession would be rejected. In reality, I knew a rejection was essentially inevitable. It was an unwanted realization that tore my heart in pieces but I still managed to finish the letter with care. Without him knowing, I left the note in the studio with my signature neatly decorating the colorful note. I didn't dare hope for the best and simply convinced myself that it was now or never.

Weeks passed without a word from him and for a moment towards the end, I regretted confessing in fear of being tossed away for good. It might not have been the best decision but there was no going back. I brought it upon myself. Yet again, my feelings brought me down and left me feeling blue. This time, my members noticed and calmly accepted my willingly initiated skinship. However, but not to my surprise, they would mistake it for homesickness. Naturally, I was grateful for their generous attempts at cheering me up but it just wasn't working as well as I had wanted it to. Especially not considering Jiho had accidentally forgotten his camouflage BAPE hoodie when hanging out several weeks ago. It served as nothing but a constant reminder of what I probably had lost considering the lack of contact. There were days when I sat and pondered upon how to return it to him without being a bother or creating unnecessary awkwardness but couldn't come up with a decent solution. On other free days I spent completely absorbed in an activity to try and forget about the world and the problems quickly piling up on my shoulders. That is, besides the many hours spent on rehearsing, attending private vocal assistance lessons and studying. Little to no time was left over for anything other than schedule but as long as I was kept busy, it wasn't much of a problem.

Several weeks, possibly even a month or two, I received a message from Jiho on Kakao. It was altogether unexpected but it was real. Dragging myself out of the couch I stumbled to my feet and drowsily moved towards the bathroom to manage my messy appearance. It was hurried but I figured it wouldn't matter. Once finally finished, I grabbed the hoodie along with my car keys and headed towards the studio not knowing what to expect. Upon finally arriving I entered the studio and there he was, sitting in the big office chair with a pair of headphones hanging loosely around his neck. We merely exchanged a friendly greeting and before sitting down, I put the hoodie on the sofa behind us with his eyes secretly on me as I did so. Nothing else was said as I joined him by the table. A little while later he handed the headphones over to me and stated that he wanted my personal opinion on some new song he was composing. It was good, as usual. A very powerful yet pleasant sound and beat. Without noticing, I began nodding in time with it and smiled softly. "It's really good. Will it be part of a comeback?" He mumbled quietly as response.

Before long I noticed that it was a little cold compared to the usual temperature in the studio and I found myself pulling my legs up in a desperate attempt at gaining some kind of warmth. Only a couple of minutes later he turned to glance at my curled up body on the chair and raised an eyebrow, wordlessly questioning why I hadn't thought of bringing a jacket. Usually, I always brought something extra to wear but in the rush of the moment I had forgotten about it. A sense of embarrassment spread within but I didn't whine. I was to blame, after all. Surprisingly, he opened his mouth to speak. "Take my hoodie. I don't need it until Sunday for my live club performance anyway." With a sigh I complied to his request and put the warm piece on. The overwhelming scent of his natural fragrance surrounded me. It was a pleasantly familiar scent and I discretely buried my nose against the fabric. Not long after his last uttered words, he spoke once more. "By the way, let's eat. You look like you haven't eaten properly today and besides, I'm starving."

After some time figuring out what to eat and having placed an order for delivery, we returned to previous activities in silence. By the time the food arrived, I offered to pay but he insisted on paying the entire bill by himself using the argument that he was both older and richer than me. He was right, of course, but I didn't want to be a bother. Thankfully he was quick and returned with two plastic bags filled with various dishes. As he slumped down in the chair he pulled out the plug to the headphones and put on some of his favorite tracks to prevent avoidable discomfort. He obviously didn't plan on talking and, in a way, there was nothing wrong with that. Except I wanted answers as to why he had called me over in the first place if he didn't want to talk about the confession. Maybe he was trying to pretend it hadn't happened as I had suggested in the letter? It was definitely possible.

The silence was still lingering heavy in the air long after having finished the food and it seemed we were both trying to occupy ourselves with various activities. Anything to not have to talk. I imagined it must have been more difficult for him than it was for me considering the strong scent from the hoodie was clouding my mind and making it hard to think. Regardless, awkwardness was lurching in the back and it had no intention of disappearing. Taking the matter into my own hands, I began standing up and declared that I was ready to leave if he didn't need my assistance anymore. To my surprise, he grabbed my forearm and pulled my down onto the chair. He was gulping and anxiously nipped at his already dry lips. At last, he was brave enough to ask. It was short and demanding with a serious tone. "How long?"

I blinked in surprise and merely answered without specifying anything as he might have wanted. It was clear he wasn't content with the response he received and so demanded a specification to which I answered with a simple "a couple of years". Concern was clearly gnawing at him with the way he so visibly expressed inability to fully process it all. Slender fingers hurriedly brushed through dyed strands of hair as he seemed to not know what to do. In a way, I could understand his feelings and felt a strong regret wash over me yet again concerning the matter since it had been me who put him in such a state. Even though a part of me wanted to console him, it would be an inappropriate deed. A step too far beyond the boundaries. All I could do was sit and eye his bent over figure while I internally scolded myself for poor judgment. We sat like that for a while. He seemed to have come to terms with the information. A newfound calmness filled the air around him and within seconds, he was leaning over towards me and pressed a soft peck on my lips. I could swear my eyes had never been so wide from astonishment as they were in that moment. As he realized what he had done, he rapidly snatched his head back to face the screen and apologized profusely. "Don't apologize, hyung... I liked it but I can leave if you want." It hadn't been a well thought-out answer but it was the truth.

"No!" He burst out and spun around in the chair to finally look at me directly, brown eyes filled with emotion no words could describe. Raising both eyebrows in confusion I return his gaze. The familiar warmth spread throughout my limbs, heart pounding mercilessly in my chest and a hint of pink coloring otherwise pale cheeks. I couldn't help it but it seemed that neither could he with the way he nervously gulped. As if he was planning something or, more correctly, possibly could have been planning the entire time? Being considerably lost in thought, I didn't notice when he grasped my shoulder until he ever so gently cupped my cheek with the other hand. Just then it occurred to me what he was about to do. For a moment I panicked and unconsciously held my breath until our lips made contact once more that evening. Plump lips embraced my lower lip in a sweet kiss. I could tell he was anxious considering the tenuous trembling of his arms. All the same, he gently moved his lips against mine in curious exploration. Sadly, it ended all too soon although throughout the entire experience Jiho's touch was tender. More so than I had anticipated he would be. As it ended, he his lips and scratched the back of his neck. A soft shade of pink tinted his bare complexion. "...That was nice."

Later that evening we parted in silence with smiles on both of our faces. There was no telling what would happen after the many occurrences that day but I decided to not have too many expectations on the future relation, whatever kind it would turn out to be. When finally sitting down in the car, still cozily wrapped in the pleasantly scented hoodie, I brought up my phone and sent a message to my close friend. There was no doubt about the obvious reaction I would receive: constant teasing. As expected, she playfully joked about it the way she would about practically anything. A soft sigh left my lips at the thought of her. Once having put down the phone I drove off towards the dorm at last.