PART II: The Caterpillar
Once the eggs hatch, they are known as larvaes or caterpillars. It is at the feeding and growth stage. The caterpillar may eat twice their own weight each day. The caterpillar sheds its skin to keep according to its rapidly growing body; this may happen four or five times in this second stage of the life cycle.




Breathe in and out. It’s the fundamental process to living. But Himae finds it exquisitely hard, especially hard when she’s standing in front of the school door – not breathing.

Eventually she hears the school bell and at the rate she was going, she was going to be fashionably late.

Time stops, people stop moving, and everyone stops breathing when she pushes through the doors. The moment wraps them in this eerie vortex of silence and awkward gaping. Then the effect stops and time starts moving again as the princesses emerge from the crowd to welcome Himae, hug her, and shower her with condolences and Himae swears she can see some of them tearful.

She doesn’t tell them that day but she feels happy that they care, that she’s worth their tears. She thought only her name was worthy of anything but this time, she likes to be proven wrong.

The happiness wears off during lunch time, under the excuse of going to the bathroom, she finds herself outside in the secluded areas of the school. She’s tired of acting, she’s tired of trying, it’s too overwhelming. It’s so suffocating to be back and know that she’ll be coming home to an empty house, with no hospital visits to her grandma’s room. If she can’t stand three hours, how is she going to live? The rest of her life seems too devastating, so tedious.



Himae finds herself shopping after school with the princesses (an act to restore her life back to its ‘usual days’). She loses count of her bags and the number of zeroes starts growing. She doesn’t think about the consequences, she just wants to forget everything. She runs into some other people from school and sees them gawking at her and her friends. She says a small hi and struts off to the new store. That night, when she’s surrounded by the bags and piles of clothes, shoes, jewellery, anything that money could buy her, she didn’t feel happy – not even a little bit.



Himae’s grandma’s funeral is the hardest thing to endure. She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, all the memories from filling her mind and how much she misses her. She doesn’t form coherent words that day to form a speech, she could only cry on her mother’s shoulder. Before they leave, Himae stays behind and pays her respect to her grandma by giving her three bows, her forehead touching the floor.

“I love you Grandma, always.”



Everyone’s waiting in the shadows, observing, watching Himae. When is she going to break?



Himae wakes up to her usual ceiling, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks. What is she suppose to do today?



Junhyung – long forgotten from the face of NOA – comes back to school a day after Himae returns. Drained from practice and more practice, he finds the little ounce of energy to smile and mumble a low, “You’re back,” to Himae.

She breathes a sigh of relief, “Yup, I’m back. I’m glad to be back.”

Lies, lies, lies.



Himae doesn’t know why but the bland lenses continue, it stretches and casts the blandness over her vision. She finds herself eating less and less – it’s not that she’s starving, she’s not hungry. There’s a difference.

So this cycle of eating less – not starvation – continues for a week, two weeks, then a month.

Himae gets compliments for her losing weight and she beams. She feels happy because it isn’t about her status, her new accessories, it’s about her. She misses those compliments, those warm remarks, and she thought she’d never hear them again (her grandma’s gone). She has control over something that can make people recognize her for who she is,; she wants to keep this control, she wants to take advantage of it.



After practice is done, Himae’s done changing into her regular clothes. She looks back at the walls of mirrors and sees herself in the reflection. She stands sideway and sees her stomach and something inside of her shrivel. When did she get so fat?

She can’t be fat; a ballerina has to jump high, spin fast and balance on their toes. A ballerina has to know their weight in order to balance. A ballerina needs to have a perfect, small figure. Perfect.

Later, she goes home and tells her nanny that she’s not hungry. She has to be perfect.



Himae practices more often and the headmistress should be happy, but she isn’t. Himae’s staying over double the recommended time and she knows that Himae has a practice room in her house so the amount of times Himae spends practicing is unknown to her.

“Ma, something wrong?” Junhyung ask, reaching over for the salt during dinner.

She smiles, “I’m a little worried about Himae, that’s all.”

“One of your pupils, right? The one with the potential?” Her husband interjects and she nods.

Himae came into her office the day before and asked if it’s too late to start a professional career in ballet. She was surprise and told her it’s not too late to start, thus the long hours of practice from Himae. She should be happy.

“Yes, that one. She seems serious about practicing but the amount of time practicing is unhealthy for her. Junhyung, does she act differently at school?”

Junhyung shrugs, “Not really. She just goes to ballet practice and seems more tired.”

The headmistress nods but she knows Junhyung’s hiding something. Junhyung’s hiding something, something that he can’t share because it’s not his secret; he can't tell anyone.



When both of her parents are home, Himae tells them that she wants to start a career in ballet professionally. They’re happy and relieve that Himae’s coping with her grandma’s death, and even found her dream. Even if she doesn’t dance ballet in the future, it’s okay because as long as Himae’s looking forward to something, it’s enough.

“Honey, we’ll support you,” her mother coos and she nods, grateful.

“Thanks Mom, I won’t disappoint you.”

“You won’t disappoint us, you never did and never will,” her father remarks. They hug before Himae retreats to the built in the practice room. It’s been in her house since forever but she only started using it now.



She looks in the mirror and notices her figure after not eating. She has a flatter stomach, she feels proud. She feels somewhat perfect. She needs more, she needs more perfection.

She practices and practices and loses track of time. Maybe it’s 10PM? 12AM? 2AM? She doesn’t know, she doesn’t stop.

She does stop dancing when she realizes that her toes hurt from her Pointe shoes. She looks in the mirror and to her horror, there’s blood underneath her feet. That should make her freak out, stop dancing, but she doesn’t. She feels a bit of joy at the sight of blood because it’s due to sheer work.She continues to dance because this is what professionals would do – they keep going no matter what.



The same night, she hears these whispers of failures, ugly, waste and so many more decadent things. She rolls around in bed trying to muffle these whispers, to zone them out but it doesn’t work. She listens to these whispers all night.



Junhyung arches a brow at the princess’s choice of ballet flats – it's typical, a ballerina wearing ballet flats, but they have no heels. Himae usually wears a tad bit of heels for the fashion statement. “Why the sudden change?”

She shrugs. She’s been doing that a lot lately. More gestures, less words. “I don’t know, they look nice.” She doesn’t tell him it’s because her toes are bandaged; they hurt too much to wear heels. She smiles to hide everything and presses her finger on the skin under her eyelid. Hopefully, the makeup can hide the big bags.

Even Junhyung can’t see past her smiles and her caked face.



Himae feels the weight of the envelope in her hand. Engrave on it are golden cursive letters that read: “You are courteously invited to the Blvd concert.” Inside the envelope feature a list of a bunch of performers and one of them is Himae’s best friend, Jung Jisun.

“Congrats,” Himae hugs her and Jisun smiles gently.

“Thanks, can you make it?” Jisun asks, nervous.

“Isn’t it on the day of your birthday?”

Jisun nods, “Yeah, the party’s afterwards.”

Himae smiles and gives her another hug, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”



After the round of applause from Jisun’s piano performance, Himae tries to listen to the other ones. Jisun’s a close friend and her company is equal in terms of status compare to the Geum Corp., but somehow, Himae gets the princess status and Jisun gets the runner up position as the princess’s best friend. It’s crude but they don’t go against the hierarchy of NOA. When it’s over, Himae, Jisun and their friends bring stuff into the car, listening to her parents yell at someone on the phone.

Jisun shrugs, “It’s the cake supplier, they messed up the order.”

“What happened?”

“They added peanut butter frosting instead of raspberry frosting,” Jisun shrugs again.

Jisun’s allergic to peanuts. The last time she ate something fluff with peanut powder, she was wheezing uncontrollably and tightened to the point of death. It was scary.

At the party, with the raspberry frosting cake, the house turn into a festival with half of the school there and her parents outside, greeting the guests’ parents; which translate to potential business partners. It’s a sad thing when everything in their parents’ eyes regulates around the company, even before their precious daughter. It’s a bad habit that can’t be fixed.

Himae goes around and is greeted by random people. They don’t call her ‘Himae’ but ‘Ms. Geum.’ So they know her company, her parents, but not her. Himae nods politely and accepts their business cards. Soon, they pile up and she takes frequent visits to the kitchen to dump them in the garbage.

The optimum of the night is when Jisun cuts the cake. It’s a four layered cake with raspberry frosting and purple flowers etch on every lining. What surprises everyone that night is when Jisun offers the first slice to Himae and says: “For you, my best friend.”

Himae smiles and accepts it warmly, “Thank you Jisun,” and kisses her lightly on the cheek. Himae starts shaking all of a sudden, her hands unable to bear the weight of the cake on her hand. She stares at it for the longest time and it becomes a battle of control. To eat or not eat, that is the question.

A few of her friends come and one of them remark, “Himae, you’re not going to eat it?”

“No....It just looks too pretty to eat,” she raises the fork and a small piece slides down . It feels weird to eat, to have food down there. Himae feels the food lunging in her stomach and screaming at her, telling her that it'll become fat, which dissolves into sheer disappointment.

She finishes the cake and walks around with the weight and debauched whispers for another twenty minutes until she feels sick – really sick.

Five minutes later, she’s bend over the toilet, one hand press against the toilet seat, the other holding onto her chest.

She hears heavy banging on the door and a hand desperate to open the locked door, “Himae, is everything okay?" One of them asks.

Himae panics and hastily answers, “I’m fine, just a little sick.”

The cake’s remnants are purge into the toilet and she feels lighter – literally. She splashes water on her face and looks at herself through the mirror. What’s wrong with me?



Himae doesn’t eat much because she has to maintain her figure during practice and even more so for the encore performance – even when she eats, it’s another rerun of what happened at Jisun’s birthday party. She hates the feeling of food in her stomach, it’s disgusting and she feels disgusting. She stops eating with her friends and she continues to practice. It’s a normal life for her despite the cramps at night or the cries of hunger.

She walks around the school, willing to go anywhere but the cafeteria. She finds Junhyung perch under a tree’s shadow. She stands in front of him and sees Junhyung scowl at the shadow on his page, but his expression changes when he sees her. “What’s up?” She asks, crouching in front of him and his composition book.

He closes the book, “Just trying to jot down inspiration, you?”

“I’m bored and I saw you.”

A smile prances on his face. Himae could talk to anyone she wanted to but she chose him, there’s a bit of prejudice there. “I’m honour to be grace by your presence, Princess,” he smirks and she frowns.

“I’m not fond of that name.”

“Everyone calls you ‘Princess’ but you don’t seem to mind.”

“I don’t talk to ‘everyone.’ I talk to you, so you can’t call me, 'Princess,'” Himae says.

Junhyung nods, “So no more Princess, is Himae okay?”

“Well, you’ve been calling me ‘Himae’ for almost four years now; it shouldn’t be that hard,” she smiles.

“What does Himae mean anyway?”

Himae stares at him, “It looks like you’ve had a good night’s sleep, you’re talking.”

He chuckles, “Yeah, a good six hours.”

“I don’t know what Himae means in Korean but I know that in Japanese, it means ‘princess.’” She smiles. Junhyung nods, understanding why she doesn’t mind being called Princess.

“Japanese though?”

“My grandma likes to travel and had a predilection to the word ‘hime’, which sounds exactly the same as Himae and means princess,” Himae laughs bitter sweetly, “It’s a pretty name, don’t you think?”

“It’s a beautiful name.”

“What about you, Jaesoon?”

“I’ll tell you one day.” Junhyung smirks.



The group’s been practicing for hours now. Sweat and blisters are what’s left of the six bodies in the practice room. All the members notice Junhyung’s happy mood but they don’t say anything about it. Instead, they make use of it by throwing insults at him, which he dismisses with a smirk.

“I think this is our group,” Dongwoon says and they all glare at him.

“As if three months’ worth of training together didn’t tell you that,” Yoseob remarks cunningly, throwing a water bottle at Dongwoon. Dongwoon shrieks as it hits him on the face. Yoseob rolls his eyes and Doojoon smacks Yoseob on the back of his head. It’s the usual banter, the usual laughter with the usual people.

“It’s going to be a long road, so let’s stick together, okay?” Doojoon says and they all huddle together, laughing.



Himae climbs the arduous steps to her grandma’s gravestone. She puts the bouquet of lavenders down beside her stone. Himae bows three times before facing her stone. “Grandma, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” She laughs and looks at the sky, the tears already coming.

“I miss you...Are you doing well? It’s weird without you but I think I’m managing.” She continues to talk about the past month without her grandma, the practices, school, her parents; everything.

“I don’t know if it’s from stress, but I don't feel as hungry as before. I guess it’s what I have to forgo to become a ballerina,” Himae feels the breeze pick up and smiles. She’s here.

“Tomorrow’s going to be the last ballet performance as scheduled, and Mom and Dad told me they can’t be there. It’s going to be my first time performing without you sitting in the audience, but I know you’ll be watching. I want to let you know that I won’t disappoint you, no matter what.”



Himae’s drizzling in the showers. The water hurts, the little droplets of water hit her, patter her, freeze her. Her toes are getting better, they aren’t bleeding anymore but she feels more restless lately. Her performance is tomorrow, and she’s not ready at all. She feels stressful and everything feels wrong. She doesn’t know what to do.

When she sees traces of her hair on the bathtub floor, her mind goes blank. Her hand quickly grabs her wet hair and she combs through it, eventually there are threads of hair in her hand, her hair.

What’s happening? 



“Himae, you’ll do well,” Jisun says, her hands on Himae's shoulders, looking at her in the mirror.

“Thanks Jisun.”

“No problem,” she says and kisses Himae lightly on the cheek, “I’ll go find my seat, don’t worry.”

“Bye Jiji,” Himae kisses Jisun’s other cheek.

When Jisun leaves, her friends are gushing in, wishing her good luck and telling her she'll be great. Himae feels happy at their support and promises to do well. Her teacher comes in, giving her last minute pointers. When her teacher and friends leave, she’s left alone in her dressing room, staring at her make-uped face – charcoal that line her eyes, her thick lashes that brush against her cheek and the white foundation that cloud her face. She almost didn’t recognize herself.

Suddenly the voices come, the pressure overflows. All the “Good luck,” “You’ll be amazing,” and “Don’t worry,” falls down on her, adding to the thick layer of makeup. She hates it, her head’s throbbing from their words and it’s like everything breaks.

The tight knots of the headache continue with her trying to breathe but she fails. She can’t do anything.

“Himae?”

She turns around apprehensively and forces a smile, “Hi Junhyung. What are you doing here?”

He walks in, “My mom’s here to watch the last performance and she force me to come,” he shrugs. Now that he’s in front of her, he can see her clearly.

He’s slightly worried. “Are you okay? You seem – pale, and it’s not from the make-up.”

She nods, “I’m okay, just a little nervous.”

His eyes narrow, sketpical. She smiles brighter, “Really, I am.”

She’s thinner, her cheeks sunk in and her eyes are so tired.



When she’s performing on stage, she looks into the audience; she doesn’t find those warm eyes and a small part of her dies. Maybe it didn’t die but that small part of her was always gone since her grandma’s death, and she only notices the void now.

The cheers sound the same and when everyone holds hands while bowing on the stage, the world spins too fast for her but she stands until the end. “Thank you for coming and we hope you enjoyed the show.” The show ends with expectations met and everyone’s happy.

“Good performance today Himae,” her co-star says and she smiles.

“You did an amazing job as well, I hope to work with you again,” she bows to him.

This scene replays itself at least ten more times and by the end of it, not only is the world spinning but her head is as well. Her hands are shaking and everything feels so cold. She doesn’t hear what the headmistress says, but she tries to listen. “Himae – Himae? Are you okay?”

She wants to nod but the world suddenly seems so black.



She wakes up in what seems like a hospital, with its pink walls and frilly curtains. “Himae, are you okay?” is what she hears and even if her world is still blurry and the cries for hunger are loud, she nods.

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” The cloud clears up and she sees Junhyung and the headmistress.

“Oh – hello Headmistress,” she bows her head slightly.

The headmistress shakes her head, “Now isn’t the time for that, Himae. Why didn’t you tell me you haven’t been eating?”

So she knows. “I looked fat during practices so I decided to not eat, to perfect the performance.” Perfection requires sacrifices and Himae’s willing to sacrifice anything for the perfect performance. Her grandma’s watching – she never wants to disappoint her. She’ll disappoint the world but not her grandma.

“But Himae, that’s not healthy.”

“It’s only for a short while, until the performances are over.”

The headmistress sighs. “We contacted your parents but they can’t come because they’re overseas. They insisted that you transfer here.” To a private hospital – typical of them. They’re overseas in Singapore, she tries to remember. Or was it New York? She forgets.

“That’s okay, thank you Headmistress and Junhyung for coming.”

“I’ll go talk to the doctor outside,” the headmistress walks out and Junhyung’s left, sighing and shaking his head.

“Himae, you’re really stupid, you know that?”

She chuckles. “I know. So how’s practice?”

He rolls his eyes, “Still the same. It’s like a routine every day, vocal practice, dance practice, sometimes MC-ing, sometimes acting and even modeling.”

“That sounds fun.”

“It is,” and he loses himself to his memories. It’s a rare sight to see him so happy and she stares at him until it bothers him and he stops rambling.

“Stop staring,” he frowns.

She laughs, “You look so happy.”

“Enough.” He reaches over and ruffles her hair but she moves away – wary of her recent hair loss. He takes it as a joke and smiles.

“You have a pretty smile as well,” she teases, laughing some more.

“Shut up.”

“Now you’re blushing!”

“Himae, I’m serious!” He threatens, flustered but eventually laughs with her.



When Himae comes home late the next afternoon, she sees a box sitting on her dressing table. “Himae, a delivery man came around noon to drop this box off,” the nanny reports, head bowed and she nods. Mrs. Kang’s – her nanny – been working in her house for years now, before she was born. The closest person she has other than her family.

“Thanks Nanny,” she hugs her and her nanny hugs her back.

“You must've been wonderful yesterday night, Himae.”

“Thank you,” she whispers.

She sits down and looks at the box. She gently unwrap the purple wrapping paper and inside, she finds a lavender envelope. Lavender, Grandma’s signature flower.

Dear Himae, my little princess.

If you receive this letter, then that means I’m not here anymore. Baby, I’m sorry I can’t be there to watch you physically, but Himae, always know that I’ll be watching you spiritually, protecting you from above. Don’t cry too much over my absence, but do cry over your encore performance because you did so well for someone so young. Don’t be sad because you will have many performances in the future, trust me, you’re my shining star.

Do you still remember Swan Lake? The first play we ever watched together? You fell in love with the last act’s music and refuse to sleep without listening to me play it on the piano before you went to bed every night. Now that I can’t be there to play the piano for you, this music box will be my fingers, brushing pass the keys, sending melodic words to your dreams.

Himae, remember that whatever you do, I’ll always support you. You don’t have to go on stage, to present yourself to the world to make me proud, you know that, right? Just being yourself, being happy makes me proud. Continue to be yourself, be the granddaughter I’m so proud of.


With all my love,

Kim Haejung


She opens the box and finds a music box. There's a ballerina spinning along to the music of Swan Lake, the last act. All the memories fleet before her eyes – all of her and her grandma; the times they spent together. The endless memories.

Her hold on the letter tightens, causing crinkles and wrinkles.

Soon, a tear drop falls on the letter, then another one. “I’m sorry Grandma, I couldn’t live up to your expectations. I’m sorry I failed you.”




Elloo~ Wait – Who’s this Evelyn you guys are talking about? I’m Noelle. Haha, are you guys confused? Jena doesn’t want her lovelies to remember the emcee of the story as Evelyn, so she’s decided to change the name of the emcee every chapter. Kinda cruel but it adds to the story, haha.

So, hello everyone. I’m Noelle, an emcee with the six lettered name, nice to meet you. I still attend NOA though; it’s just that my name is unknown to all. So in this chapter, it has Himae struggling to cope with her grandma’s death, all the while trying to perfect the encore performance of her last Ballet act since it’s one of the fond memories she shared with her grandma. When I say, struggling, she really is struggling, eh?

Then there are the cute Junhyung and Himae moments (Can anyone think of a couple name for them?). It looks like Junhyung’s debut is close with the continuous practices. Junhyung and Himae's friendship seems tight. I like that. ^^

Also, with Himae’s mysterious hair loss and bland lenses, it means something right? Do you think they’re talking about Ana – I mean, no. Forget I said anything.

With these weird symptoms, how do you think the next chapter’s going to turn out?

Jena, your lovelies are in love with the idea that Junhyung and Himae together. They made two of her readers grow all warm and fuzzy XD like the butterflies you get in your stomach. Keep in mind that just because the story is label as Junhyung/OC, it doesn’t mean they'll end up together. It means that there are interactions between them. Or they could end up together, ho ho ho, what do you think? I’m sorry for making you think so much.

Enjoy the story. Happy New Years to all! ^^

-Noelle





C O M M E N T


Happy Holidays, I hope all of my lovelies stay warm and safe in this 2012 filled with happy memories! I initially had the whole story written before this chapter but some things happen, new changes happen and thus, I have to rewrite everything, incorporating the new ideas ^^ It’s not going to be long so please be patient! Thank you for reading! :)

@jestpr0214: Thank you for loving the story and I hope you like this update!