The number you’re calling is not active. Please try later or leave the message after the beep

Again…, he didn’t pick up my phone

I sighed and put the phone back on its holder. My right palm automatically reached my head, massaged it softly to ease the pain a little. I open my eyes as his smiling face hit my memory again.

His smile…., then his laugh…

Damn! I even started to hear his laughter now….

I gasped for air. No matter how deep I breathed in, seemed like my lungs were still running out of air

I open my eyes, made up my mind and reached the phone again. I dial his number swiftly as those numbers were already embodied in my brain…and heart for years

The number you’re calling is not active. Please try later or leave the message after the beep

The same answer as I’ve been heard for at least the last two years. I took a deep breath again and finally open my mouth

Hello, it’s me

I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

To go over everything

They said that time supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing

“Hello…... It’s me, Chaerin” I’ve got more crocked after my first sentence. Why it still felt this hurt after all there times?

“H-how are you? It’s been long time, rite?” I managed to continue, tried not to break down, but my eyes already betrayed me as the first droplet of tears started to roll down on my cheek, and soon followed by another ones

“Are you that busy? I just wonder if you’re ok….” I held my sob. No Chaerin…, don’t be weak…

“If you receive this message, please ring me back”

And with that, I ended the call. My heart felt so hurt. Really hurt. And without I realized, I started to cry on the floor, hugging my knees

“I just want to tell you that I’m sorry…” I sobbed hard. Then I felt a delicate touch on my shoulder, and I looked up

“Omma….” I spontaneously wiped my tears and managed my emotion. But I thought it was too late already

“Why are you doing this, Chaerin-ah?” She asked softly, caressed my soaked cheek

I breathed in and out to stop my sob

“I’m ok, Omma…” I tried to smile

“How long again you will lie to yourself, huh? Stop it, baby…. stop hurting yourself” she said, looked into my eyes

“No, Omma.. I was just become sensitive. I’m ok now” I looked away

“Are you sure?” Omma made me looked at her. “Chae…, you’re my daughter. I know you even before you’re exitance… don’t fool yourself, Chae. You’re not only hurting him. But yourself…” She said wisely

“Listen, Chae…. everyone made mistakes. The point is now you’ve realized your mistake and if you don’t settle it, you will feel guilty for the rest of yourself….”

I bite my lips to prevent me from crying.

“I’ve been trying, Omma… but he never picked up the phone nor reply my messages…” I looked down

Then my mother’s hand reached mine

“Then go to him… say it directly….”

I looked up and saw her smiling.

Should I?

Hello, can you hear me?

I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world felt at our feet

There’s such a difference between us

And a million miles

Was he ok? Did he already move on? What was he doing now? Was he still mad to me? No! Did he still remembering me?

I couldn’t stop questioning myself. The closer I got, the more nervous I felt. 8 years… it had been 8 years since I hadn’t see his face.

8 years…, since I left him

8 years…, since I lost the man I love…

Kwon Jiyong

I looked at the window and saw the sky was getting darker. Five more hours. Five more hours and I would step my feet back in Seoul.

Then I open my notebook and picked a photograph I’ve been keeping on the cover for years. The picture of 18 years old me, sat in the backseat of a motorbike with my arms were circled around his waist, my face leaned on his back. And we both smiled widely

Then my heart started to ache again. Slowly…, I remember those feelings, on the time when we were together. Two young lovers against the world

We were so happy until we thought that we could face the whole world, as long as we were together

But we were wrong… I was wrong… the world war way more cruel than what we’d thought

-Flashback-

“Hunchae… look! I beat Seunghyun this time! I told you, rite? I would beat him for sure!” Jiyong, My boyfriend smiled proudly as he showed me a key. His rival’s motorcycle key he just won from the street racing tonight

I just looked at him with my raged heart and seemed like he realized my bad mood. Yeah.. He never failed to know me better than anyone else

“Chae? What happened?” he walked to me, asked me in concern. “Is there any problem?” He held my face lovingly

“Hunchae… would you tell Oppa what’s happening” He asked worriedly. I looked at him and trough his eyes. I could feel his sincerity… as always

He looked back at me with questioned expression

“When you will stop, Oppa?” I voiced to, only to added his confusion state

“What do you mean?” he asked me clueless. “Stop what?”

“Anything…” I answered

“When will you stop playing and do something more serious either?” I raised my voice and looked straight to his eyes

He fell silent for a moment, still looking deeply at me

“Ok…, what is this time?” he asked, tried to keep calm. “Your parents? Or your friends?” he made a random guest

“Out of the people outside there, don’t you feel tired about all of this? Don’t you want to be a better man? Grow up, Oppa!” I shouted. Jiyong just looked at me intensely

“You’re 24 now. You have to start thinking about your future, your life” I continued

“My future? What do you mean?” he asked me, tried hard to manage his emotion. “This is my life, Chae… you know this since the beginning, rite? What happen to you?”

“Then for how long? How long you will live like this? Doing street-racing without any goal!” I argued more

“I have goals!” Jiyong shouted back, but then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself

“What goal?” I looked at him as my eyes already soaked by tears. Then I closed my eyes, couldn’t hold my feeling anymore

As I sobbed, I felt Jiyong’s hand on my face, cupped it with his palm

“Hunchae…, what’s happening, huh? Tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked softly and kissed my forehead gently

I couldn’t say anything and just kept sobbing

“Ssh… it’s ok. We will be ok…” he whispered. I pulled myself and looked up at him

“No… with you still like this, we won’t be ok…” I said

“What do y- ”

“Stop it, Oppa… just enough with all of those race. Let’s just go to college and..”

“Wait? College? Did you just tell me to go to college?” Jiyong cut me

“Yes… we can attend the same…”

“Chae, you know exactly that school is not my thing. I’d never be a good student since forever!”

“But you can try”

“And why would I do that?” Jiyong looked at me deeply. “Why should I do the thing that I don’t like?” his stare was getting sharper

“For your better future… our better future” I answered

“No, Chae…. it’s all just to please your father, right?”

I looked up at him again and I saw his hurtful eyes

“We will have no problem with our future even if I don’t go to college. We will still be happy even though I have no degree or give you a big mansion. We will still be happy. I will make you happy with my own way, like what we have been trough for these 4 years…” he said

“It’s just because the society, right?  Why? Are you ashamed of me? That I’m not decent enough for a Prosecutor’s daughter like you?”

End of Flashback

And those were the last words I’ve heard from him. Because after that, I left him

I left him with his hurtful eyes…

My heart was torn that time, even up until now. I never answer his question and just left

My father…, the society… yeah, the social gap between us was really big. But I wouldn’t put all the blame to my father and the society

It was me. It was my pride and my ego

As the time passed, I started to understand what Jiyong had said. And he was right

Even though he had ‘nothing’ like what people (and my father) said, but he has the greatest love I ever had. He has the power to keep me happy like no one else

With his own wa