The echo from the slamming front door only lasts a few seconds – but Baekhyun hears it reverberate inside his skull for hours. It lasts long after the last dish had been thrown and long after Park Chanyeol picks up his jacket, heavy footsteps stomping across the hardwood floor. Baekhyun doesn’t remember what had started it, doesn’t even remember the whole fight. He just remembers a lot of yelling, the cracked dishes still on the kitchen floor is a good testament of how bad it had been. They never used to throw things, and especially not at each other. Chanyeol used to worry over the smallest nick on Baekhyun’s finger. Those days are gone as well, washed down the drain like the rest of the wine he couldn’t swallow down while he waited for Chanyeol to come back – had hoped Chanyeol would come back.

Baekhyun thinks and thinks, as his heart shatters into a million tear drops, staining the sleeve of his sweater. He thinks and thinks, but nothing comes to mind. There was no love and no forever after in that fight – just anger and frustrations, the hair pulling kind that made Baekhyun scream at the top of his lungs and made Chanyeol punched the wall, hands clenching and unclenching like he would rather have them wrapped around Baekhyun’s throat.

It was a close call, but Baekhyun knows Chanyeol would never hurt him. They might throw and break things but never at each other – at least not physically.

The day drags on too long, it chafes at Baekhyun’s mind. He grits his teeth and gets through it all the same, wishing they hadn’t fought so early in the morning, wishing they had waited until the day was over and he doesn’t have to pretend his eyes are puffy from allergies.

When Baekhyun steps through the door after a long day at work, it hits him straight in the gut. Fresh tears well up before he can count to ten. He just needs a hug. Just a pair of arms around his small frame, just a voice telling him it will be okay.

Baekhyun gets by. Hours drag on lethargically, every day feels like he is putting in overtime. When the week finally ends, when Baekhyun curls up on the couch and has a pity party, he is already so drained. He isn’t angry now, he doesn’t want to yell, doesn’t want to aim another cup at Chanyeol’s head. He is just tired.

He lets go with a sigh, wraps his arms around himself and tells himself he will be alright.

Except he isn’t alright. How can anyone be alright with a missing limb? Chanyeol is his right hand, Baekhyun thinks. His dominant feature. His automatic response. He always reaches out to Chanyeol first. Baekhyun is a maelstrom of emotions, badly masked and poorly concealed. He doesn’t know how to react like a normal person. He lashes out first to protect himself. Chanyeol was always better at controlling himself, quickly dismissing things with a quick laugh. It hadn’t been a fair fight; Chanyeol was tired from traveling and Baekhyun was tired of being the one left behind. He had thrown Chanyeol’s clothes out of his luggage like a petulant child, then started throwing a lot of angry words. Just anger. Just venting out his frustration. His day had been horrible, Chanyeol had been dismissive because he had been tired; Baekhyun knows it was his fault for starting something but he couldn’t help it. Chanyeol spends more time with his business partner than Baekhyun; Kyungsoo is privy to so much of his boyfriend’s life.

Chanyeol is the first Baekhyun always call; but Kyungsoo is the first Chanyeol calls.

Two weeks after their fight, Chanyeol comes back to grab the rest of his clothing. Baekhyun doesn’t have the heart to yell or fight. He barely has enough energy to stop himself from running straight to Chanyeol’s arms. He wants so badly to be wrapped in those long arms, hearing Chanyeol telling him everything will be alright.

His body hurts, aching from having to keep still and watch Chanyeol packs.

“Baek?”

He doesn’t trust himself to speak. He doesn’t know how to say goodbye to someone he has known for seven years, has loved for five and hasn’t lived a day without since the day they met – even if it has been through text messages lately.

“Baekhyun…”

Baekhyun takes a deep breath. “Just, please, make it quick.”

Chanyeol steps out from their bedroom, leaning on the doorframe. “What?”

“Just…go. I can’t, I don’t want to small talk.” Baekhyun sees Chanyeol’s jaw tightening. He knows he should stop but he can’t, everything is already on the tip of his tongue, “Just go. Please.”

“Is that what you want?”

“No, I don’t want you to,” the tears are there before he can stop them. “I want you. Always.”

Chanyeol doesn’t move. “We fought, Baek. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I want to leave you.”

“Then why are you packing, why are you going?”

There is no response. Chanyeol straightens himself and for one small second, Baekhyun thinks that Chanyeol would walk over to him, would hug like he had wanted – needed so badly all along. Except he doesn’t.

“Because you are expecting me to leave,” Chanyeol says. “Every time. I am tired, Baek. I don’t want to always be okay. I don’t want to always be there. You always expect the worst – and how am I supposed to feel, Baekhyun? Do you think traveling is easy for me? Do you think I like being away from you? And then I come back and you just give up on us so easily…I need you to fight, Baek, fight for us. I need you to know that it’s okay to be on your own, that I’ll always come back to you.”

“So you are leaving me.”

“Damn it, Baek. Just…grow up, okay?”

Fight for us. It sounds so easy; especially from the person who walked away. Baekhyun doesn’t understand, doesn’t even want to try. What is so wrong with expecting Chanyeol to leave? Hasn’t he, after all?

“Because it’s not fair, Baekhyun. You can’t just expect him to forget and forgive every time,” Luhan says, hand running through Baekhyun’s hair, while Baekhyun curls up on the couch, head resting on his friend’s lap. “Every single time you guys fight, you’d lash out and Chanyeol would apologize. This is the first time he is sticking to his gun.”

“Well, he needs to stop,” Baekhyun whines, “I don’t like it.”

“Stop being a brat, Baekhyun.”

“I just need to get over it.”

Luhan frowns, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if he doesn’t want to come back, fine. What’s it to me, you know? He proved my point. I didn’t give up on us, he did.”

Luhan smacks Baekhyun on the head, “No idiot. You’ve proved his point.”

They meet because Baekhyun turned left. Literally. He had just moved into the neighborhood and he had gotten lost – turned left instead of right and ended up wandering around for ages. It wasn’t until he was on the verged of tears that he gave in and ended up calling Luhan. Baekhyun sighed, but he followed Luhan’s directions and just stopped at the coffee shop nearby instead.

“When you’re lost, you stay in one place,” Yixing had nagged while Luhan had laughed his head off, “Send me the name of the shop, I’ll find it.”

“Why do I have to text you? It’s called EXO. Just remember it.” Baekhyun whined.

“EXO? E X O?” Yixing mumbled in his accented Korean, “I think I know. Stay there, Baekhyun ah.”

“Okay. Hurry, hyung,” Baekhyun breathed a sigh of relief. He was glad people were not as directionally challenged as him.

So Baekhyun approached the counter, because if he was going to wait, he would be comfortable. And that was when Chanyeol happened.

“Hi, new kid!” Chanyeol grinned captivated Baekhyun right away. His whole appearance really. Chanyeol had a baby face that didn’t match his intimidating height, and the one dimple that didn’t match his baritone voice. “13B, right?”

“Um, do I know you?”

Chanyeol laughed, eye twitching, “I saw you move in.”

Baekhyun’s eyes lit up, “You live in my complex?”

“Yeah! 15C!”

“Oh man, I’ve been lost for like twenty minutes!”

Chanyeol laughed again, “Where were you trying to go?”

“Campus,” Baekhyun said sheepishly, not even sure where that was at this point. “You know, Seoul Uni.”

“Oh! That’s a right. You took a wrong turn,” Chanyeol nodded to himself. “Well, hey, if you want to wait, I get off in fifteen minutes. I can show you the way back.”

It was a bad idea. Baekhyun didn’t even know this kid. But something in his gut told him that it would be okay (plus Chanyeol was really good looking, okay); so Baekhyun ended up telling Yixing he found the way back. He waited instead and walked with Chanyeol home. He thought it would be awkward but Chanyeol was bright and full of stories.

“You’ve got to meet Jongin,” Chanyeol said, “He has like ten dogs. Well, three. He’s a year younger.”

They chatted the whole way back. Baekhyun didn’t really pay attention to the way. But that was okay, over the week, he would memorize the road back to the coffee shop because it led back to Chanyeol.

The first time Baekhyun confessed, it was a pile of word vomit, just like everything in his life. It wasn’t supposed to happen. They were in Chanyeol’s room, Baekhyun seated on top of the other boy’s bed. They were getting ready to go out. He watched Chanyeol adjust his hair in the mirror for the millionth times with a huff.

“Enough already, who are you even trying to impress?”

“You never know!” Chanyeol winked.

Baekhyun frowned. “Well….” He felt it, that ugly feeling he got whenever Chanyeol got too close to Jongin, or whatever Chanyeol cancelled plans to hang out with Sehun instead (“He’s like my brother, I can’t leave him.”). It settled at the pit of Baekhyun’s stomach, gross and hot.

“Hey, is Luhan single?”

“Why?”

“I’m just asking, is he?”

Baekhyun scoffed, “Yes but he would never date a big ear like you, okay?”

“Ouch,” Chanyeol said, “I was just asking for Sehun.”

“Chanyeol ah, I was just kidding.”

“It’s okay.”

But Baekhyun had seen the hurt in Chanyeol’s eyes – just a flash, for a second. Baekhyun would later learn that he had opened a sensitive topic, he would later help Chanyeol over his complex with compliments and teeth pulling at Chanyeol’s ear, whispering hot words and promises, reserved just for those ears. This wouldn’t be the first time Baekhyun hurts Chanyeol; and it wouldn’t be the first time he is the salve to the wound, either.

Later that night, Baekhyun found himself in Chanyeol’s room again – or more exactly, in Chanyeol’s toilet, hugging the bowl and emptying most of the contents of his stomach. Chanyeol was rubbing soothing circles into Baekhyun’s head.

“You shouldn’t have drank so much.”

“Don’t tell me what to do; we’re not together.”

And it was pretty much downhill from there.

“And even if we were, don’t think you can control me, Park Chanyeol! Even if I really like you, I will still do what I want!”

Chanyeol sighed, rubbed his face, “What are you even talking about?”

“Am I exhausting, would you rather date Luhan?”

“We are not even dating!”

Baekhyun pouted, “Yeah. Why aren’t we? I like you, you know.”

Chanyeol left after that. Just got up and left. He returned later with a change of clothes and a spare toothbrush. “Shower. Change. Brush your teeth.”

“Whyyyy,” Baekhyun made the mistake of looking up and was temporarily stunted by the smile on Chanyeol’s face. It was brilliant.

“Because I’d really like to kiss you now, so please, hurry.”

Park Chanyeol was amazing at that – simple things that took Baekhyun’s breath away.

And the first time they had really fought – it was right after graduation; Chanyeol’s first trip away. It was petty. It wasn’t like Chanyeol was never coming back, but Baekhyun had felt abandoned anyways. They argued for a long time; about loyalty and Jongin’s dogs and who knew what else. Baekhyun wasn’t keeping track. He just wanted Chanyeol’s attention on him.

“Baek, I’ll be back in two weeks. It’s just a beach trip. You can’t go because of your thesis,” Chanyeol sighed. “What’s the big deal?”

“You’re going with your ex!”

“Right. Ex!”

Baekhyun knew Chanyeol didn’t have any feelings for his ex, knew it deep in his bones, but he couldn’t stop himself from being childish. They were graduating, they were entering the work force, it was his last chance to be childish. Soon they would be headed in different directions, maybe one day Chanyeol would have this same argument with someone else, claiming Baekhyun was just an ex. Baekhyun knew they would be friends for life – their lives were too connected now, too many friends in between – but their relationship might not last forever. People grew apart all the time.

“I love you, so don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

Word vomit. Always, the word vomit.

It was the first time Baekhyun had said it. Like always, he had the worst timing.

“Ah, really, how do I always lose?” Chanyeol said in place of a reply, but Baekhyun knew the feeling was mutual.

Chanyeol did end up going on the trip anyways; because in the middle of the night, he had mumbled, “Move in with me, Baekhyun ah.” And that had been enough.

It’s all wrong; had been all wrong, started all wrong. Baekhyun has been all wrong. It’s later, with the help of copious sugar and Luhan’s stern lectures and Yixing’s gentle guidance that Baekhyun realizes he is wrong. He has never said anything right, has never truly told Chanyeol how he felt. It’s a miracle that Chanyeol hears the words he doesn’t say, that Chanyeol stays and somehow reciprocates Baekhyun’s clumsy attempts at feelings.

“It’s because you’ve never had to work hard,” Yixing says, “So you give up easily. But just this once, try a bit harder, okay?”

And it’s with Kyungsoo’s help that Baekhyun realizes Chanyeol has been sleeping in the office. So he packs up dinner (Chanyeol’s favorite) and gathers the rest of his courage and makes his down the dark corridors of Chanyeol’s office building.

He knocks on the door gently, then pushes it open when he hears a slight murmur of “come in.”

“Kyungsoo, save your breath. I’m not going back. Baekhyunie has to come to me this time,” Chanyeol says, back against the door. He’s changing into a t-shirt; hair lightly ruffled. He’s probably getting ready to spend another night on his office couch.

Baekhyun clears his throat, “It’s me.”

“Baek!” Chanyeol’s surprise face makes Baekhyun feels ten times more terrible. Was Chanyeol not even expecting it?

“I…brought dinner.”

“Thanks,” Chanyeol moves closer to the door to take the bag from him. “Did you want to eat, too?” Will you stay?

“I ate, thanks.” Baekhyun closes the gap between them when he sees Chanyeol’s disappointed face. “But! I’ll keep you company.”

“What are we doing, Baek?”

Baekhyun shakes his head, “I don’t know. I had a lot to say…but…”

“Then let me, okay?” Chanyeol says, leading Baekhyun to the couch, kneeling on the floor in front of him. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. I’ve been thinking of all the times when I came back to you after a fight, like I’ve lost or something. But it has never been a competition, Baekhyun. I’ve also been thinking how you’ve always said it first, you know? Right from the start, you were always on step ahead. I kept thinking about how you might have given up on us, but you were the one who started it all, Baek.”

Baekhyun shakes his head, “No. No. You’re right. I shouldn’t have let you walk away so many times. I didn’t start anything, Chanyeol, I just word vomit all over you and you just…somehow took it and turned it into something more. I’m sorry.”

“We’re both idiots, God. I feel so stupid, hey, don’t cry Baekhyun.”

But it’s too late. It has been so long.

“Just hug me okay?”

Chanyeol complies, moving to sit on the couch too. He scoops Baekhyun up and leans against the back, letting Baekhyun sit in the space between his legs, back to chest. Chanyeol’s embraces Baekhyun’s small frame, mouth trailing down his boyfriend’s ear and neck, breathing in.

“I’ve missed you,” Chanyeol says, “Just…you.”

Baekhyun fidgets slightly, tilts his head up so he can see Chanyeol better, “Kiss me.”

“Bossy.”

Before Baekhyun can form a pout, Chanyeol is already leaning down. It’s an awkward angle but they make it work, lips gliding against lips. Soft, insistent, unhurried.

“I can be too loud sometimes for no reason,” Baekhyun says, “But I want you to hear this now, Park Chanyeol: I love you.”

“I love you, Baekhyun. Just the way that you are.”