Who do you think you are?

Don’t jugde the book by its cover..

My life is not so special. I stay at home for over the years, im not sociable neither I dont go out to party nor even hangs out with friends. My life is just simple. Boring as what people say but then I’m contented on what I have right now. I have my family who supported me all this years. Not until I notice that theres more into my life that I can do. For years I stuck up here staying home I’ve finally realize that I need to do something more important rather than being boring and doing nothing. So I started searching on google of what things I should do. But then I went to an online where you could write anything you wanted or just read. So I started reading any fanfics there is and got crazy reading it by myself but then there’s something missing again its like my life was not complete. So I think again of possible way to get rid of my feelings and then story pop out on my mind and I started writing a fanfic on my own.. I was just thinking it for fun because my life got boring again. And when I keep writing I didn’t know that a lot of people actually reading my fics even subscribe and waiting when will I be updating.. I like reading those comment and stuff after days weeks its been great but then there’s a space on my heart that missing. I started blogging and met someone older than me, she was lonely as I am. And writing a fanfic is her only comfort of being lonely.. we got along and become friends days weeks and even it become months. And I started to have this feelings for her but then when I told you who I am. She change into something that I didn’t know. She become distance and even didn’t contact me.. I was hurt devastated and lonely again. I started not to write and forget to write I was gonna delete my account but then when I started posting a blog again for months theres someone who got curious on my life and add me as we become friends. On my blogs I just wanted to find someone a true friend.. someone comment on me saying…. You can’t find true friend in the site where u cant even know if they were true to you or not. But I ignore it because I know I will find my true friend. And when I met her.  I wont mention any name. we talk like everyday. And I sleep late because of her. Time difference to be exact. But I didn’t mind those sleepless night just to talk to her we become friends and she was there to comfort me about what happen to those blog I made. She was so caring she always put a smile on my face. And after a month she confessed on me saying she likes me more than friends and it was her first time asking a girl to be her girlfriend and I was lonely that time and I even like her. So I said yes. She wanted to try things out for us. After a month it was okay. But then after a month again. She has change. So I thought this relationship wont work if she wont even do alittle more effort.. so I broke up with her but then I realize that I cant because I fall inlove with her. So I ask her forgiveness and told her that I love her that I don’t wanna lose her. She accepted me and I was so happy that time because of all the things I did she still accept me. but then days weeks and after a month things got uglier in our relationship.. we always fight.. and when your mad u say a lot of bad things that u didn’t intent too. But then u did it anyway.. I always said broke up to her she always accepted me. but then in between month of april and may. She told me that she meet this girl who always help her in writing her fanfic always reminding her about everything that will be alright. That girl became her comfort zone. When we fight even just small things she got annoyed and got mad at me. its like she’s a different person even I did anything to make her trust me again. But those effort was useless she couldn’t seen all of that because she already got her comfort zone. As much  I tell her about how jealous I am she would always tell that I didn’t understand her. Ofcourse I got mad. One day she just message me telling me that she cant do this anymore. That night we were fine we even say that we love each other no matter what. And wont break up even thing got uglier. Because that was true love is accept and trust. I went to church and when I came back I got a long message on her telling me that she cant do it anymore that she cant continue what we have. I was hurt got mad disappointed curse at her blame her, but then my heart still beats for her and told her how sorry I was telling those to her. Cursing at her.. blaming her. And even calling her names. I ask her not to let me go. I ask her a thousand times because I love her so much and I cant live without her. I become desperate I beg and beg. Cry and cry. My heart got stab a thousand times when she rejected me again and again. Then it came to the point that I just want to let her go because I become a fool and stupid and told her that I let her go and told her how sorry I was. But then her mind got change and accepted me. I was happy but I would never forget what she told me that night “ this is your last chance. Broke it then you wont get any. Lets try it for the last chance if it wont work then it wont” my heart get hurt. Its like I was an option but then I accepted it because I truly love her. After a month. Those relationship got worst. “if you love someone theres no such things as I AM BUSY you always find a way to make time for your lover” but then she got busy and when I ask her what she do she told me shes working and then told me that shes talking to her friend. And then telling that shes busying writing. I explode got jealous of that FRIEND because she got time to her than over her girlfriend who’s waiting for her text. But she got mad at me for telling her about it. I was hurt and she didn’t even care, and then one day I ask her this. “tell me if u ever trusted me again” she answer me when I ask her over and over again. That the moment I broke up with her the first time.. she didn’t  trust me then. I got hurt my heart couldn’t take it. I know I hurt her but then I ask her every single day for her forgiveness. And I was hurt when she told me she didn’t love me anymore.. I ask when. She said in the middle of april or may. And then I remember when she told me she meet this girl who become her comfort zone. So after almost 3 months she just lie to be.. I even ask her if she was after revenge she deny it but my mind and heart told me she just did it for revenge. She didn’t break up with me but I ask her time to think. She give me space for a week. I ask her for month but she told me she cant. So after a week. Even my heart was so heavy. I let her go. Because I know her heart doesn’t belongs to me anymore. She just say okay . I got hurt but I have to stick on my decision and told her that I wont bother her again. I couldn’t sleep couldn’t eat. Got sick. Lose weight. I lose interest of living, even you just meet her online. When you got attach to her. Loving her for real is not impossible even u got long distance relationship. Those night skyping talking to her,, sometimes even u didn’t talk that much, but u just stare at her. It become my happiness and those happiness was vanish in a split of seconds. And u didn’t know that the one you love didn’t love you anymore. So I deleted her block her even unfriend.. because u cant never be friend to your ex much more if you still love her. And that’s the time. My whole being is change. She was just like a coffee. There’s sweet and bitterness. Even I stir more but in the end you still got that bitterness taste. For days weeks month. I didn’t heard from her. I even meet someone people and comforted me.  telling me that things will be better. I got to know a girl who’s just like what I’ve experience. I just know her for a week and got comfortable on her. She told me she wanted to try things out for us. And how stupid I am saying yes. I wanted to play around hurt someone. But then I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt someone and used them. and I told her I like her as a friend. But I was hurt and needed someone to mend my broken heart and she was too. It was stupid I know because we just meet but then I said yes. Days of being together as being a couple things work out well even she’s mysterious if you may say… our relationship base on. Lets just do this, if it wont work then it wont work. Then let’s stop. And her being so much caring and her sweet talks I forget about my ex. But then I know it for myself that she still there lingering in my heart. But I choose to heal my heart and accept this new girl whole heartedly because I don’t wanna use her, I’m not like that and will never will. I try my best to bring the best of me for our relationship. I did anything she wants me too. And my heart again beat for her. I know it sounds crazy but I couldn’t deny I fell for her. Maybe because she heals me completely. I was too happy yet to confuse. But then I choose to be happy and be with her even she break up with me four times, I guess karma really hits me. what I did to my ex. My gf did it to me. so feel those hatred those hurts and remember my ex. How I know how much it hurts. Then reality hit me. I don’t wanna use her but then she used me. how nice is that?. those sweet words was nothing. Those caring side of her was bulls. And I become a toy. My heart got stab again… I completed become numb.. but I accepted it because it was my KARMA . I become more of a person who myself didn’t know off. I become more depressed . I cried every single night and wanted to end my life. I blame myself for trusting someone easily for loving them easily, but then my friend was there to help me and stop me from my stupid acts. I miss the old me. and on my head and heart. Theres always a word that stuck there that I cant erase how many times ive tired. Those are “those people will going to hurt u and leave you in the end” those I cant take that off my heart and mind and when I met people theres always a voice telling me that. my friend who I become close. Got annoyed by my attitude. Got hurt for what I did. After months I become fine. But I know im still freaking numb. That those people will going to hurt me and leave me. my bff told me she has feelings for me. and I know I just love her as my sister. She waited for me and become my friend. But then when I feel something for her. She was always there for me and how many times I push her she still stay. Her ex is my bff too. And theres a time were in the middle of this thing called “love triangle” she become my gf because she said she wanted to try us. I couldn’t say no to her. Shes my sister and I don’t wanna hurt her and wanted her to be happy and I accepted her not knowing what her ex which is my bff too. I didn’t think of her feelings. As she knows about us. She got hurt big time. And I was hurt to. The three of us are hurt. Guilt was eating me up even she stay with us even shes hurt she still stay with us.. but I couldn’t take it when I know she’s hurting. So I did what I have to did and break up with my recent gf. She knows my reason why I have to do it. she knows that we just wanna try things out. And she knows that theres one person who’s hurting. I thought it was fine with her. I keep saying sorry and told her to take things slower this thime and even told her that Im not closing my heart to her. If were meant to be it it will. But then she got hurt and called me selfish. Her ex got mad at me because she become depressed. I always ask their forgiveness but then, in the end i took all the blame. I just wanted to do the right thing. And her ex was right. this become worst when I decided to become my bff gf. I know sometimes I got confuse heart but then I always admit that I’m at fault. And now ive lose the two person who I treasure the most. Even if I stay those friendship wont ever fix ever again. So I decided to leave and never come back, because I knew in the first place they going to leave me and hurt me. and I was right. I told my other bff that I’m used being alone but she told me. think why u always gonna be alone. And think and think and think again. But what I did was I just did the right thing but then they just saw my mistakes and not my effort. I know ive hurt them and I always feel sorry for what I did. And thought we were fine but turns out. I was really nothing to them… even they say that im important to them but the thing is im not.

She ask me why I’m like this… you didn’t know what I’ve been through. I told you all my secrets not even a single thing left to say. But then you couldn’t handle my attitude, yes your right. I need attention love because the people I love left me. and the two of you lose faith in me. this heart of mine is numb right now, and now Im starting to build those wall that I didn’t build years ago.. and now im going to take care of my heart on my own way. I’m not a lose for the both of us because I already told you. one day you will forget about me easily. And those days are happening right now. I’m sorry if im not a good friend. I’m sorry if I cant be the person you want me to be. I told you I already lose myself and I need someone to bring me back. And you said you gonna help me and u wont even break your promise. You said u always be there for me even I push you away curse at you or hurt you. you said you wont even leave me no matter what but u already then. And from now on. I’m going to build a wall to protect myself and I’m never gonna be the same person you used to know. I’m going to protect my heart because I trust people easily. Now’s the time that my heart really wanted to heal and forget those people who leave and hurt her, so don’t blame me. and told me I didn’t treasure our friendship because I did with all my heart and soul I just choose to fix my heart because it got broken way before. So I’m sorry if im not a perfect friend for the both of you. and you were right. im always gonna be alone and keep true self because even me I couldn’t bring the old me. and I thought you could turns out your not.

But I never regret the people who hurt and leave me because my past is part of my life. And I will stand still even people will let me down I will stand still and forgive and move on. Because that’s life. You got hurt many times and you will just wait for the right time that you will truly be happy.

So for all the people hurt me. THANK YOU for coming to my life because without all of you. I wont become strong.. and tomorrow I will be more stronger than before. I’m going to live my life so if the new people will enter my life, I already told you what happen to me and the rest are for you to ask. Its either you want to come in and maybe broke those walls that I’m building on. I don’t do revenge nor used people. All I wanted is someone to love me and prove to me even things got uglier she wont give up on me because true love never gives up. Even true friendship.  You should accept for who I am and for what I am. Because I assure you that this time. I wont hide myself and become the real me.

So people who become part of my life, you never know the real me. You got a chance..there’s always a chance for everything. Because this time.. I wont hold back I will be the best of people you will know of because now. im gonna throw away those negative things in my life and think of the positive way.

Now you know part of my story then its up to you if you wanna be my friends ^^

peace out for the people. you can tell me how selfish you are or curse at me. anyway i didnt mention any name so dont get mad if you got hurt of what i written here. i just wanna let this out if i'm staring a new for myself. because i dont wanna forget about all of this. thats why i decided to write it into a story. i dont wanna froget it because this is making me strong and to do better next time. so dont blame me if i post this one. im human and i can do whatever i want.. so peace and let just forgive each other shall we?.. lets just be happy ^^

Sorry I just wanted to tell all of this. because im moving on from all of it ^^