It usually starts out with Sehun squinting his eyes from the sunlight that peeked through the curtains, hand reaching out to turn off his alarm and taking five minutes to just sit and decide if he should continue this day or go back to sleep and never wake up. His decision would always be to stand and head into the shower, get ready for classes, get to them and then come home. His housemate Chanyeol would serve dinner, he would eat them and thank the older, finish up assignments and then sleep. Repeat.

It has been like this since Jongin’s been gone.

His life has drastically become a routine; something he has to do every day with no reason why. Sehun doesn’t know how long he could keep up, but he’s breathing well, he’s thinking okay. He’s alive.

But that’s just it; he’s alive. And Jongin is not.

Today, for the first time in what felt like ages, Sehun’s routine changes. His alarm didn’t go off until it was eight in the morning and Sehun is rushing through a really quick shower, already half an hour late to his first class of the day. He curses and cusses as he pulls on his jeans and sweater, makes sure to hide his bad hair underneath a black beanie. When he realizes that his papers are scattered all over his study table, Sehun curses even louder before grabbing them all and stuffing them into his folder. He checks himself one last time in the mirror; hair? Hidden. Sweater? Clean. Jeans? Newly washed.

He’s about to leave when he notices something off on his face, grumbling silently to himself as he spots the red of his swollen eyes and grabs himself a pair of shades. Lesson learnt; never cry yourself to sleep knowing fully well you have a morning class the next day. Sehun just couldn’t help it. Those lonely nights come to visit him more often than he would like and he hates that it makes him weak. Sehun hates being weak, although the fact that he still kept Jongin’s clothes in his drawers showed just how weak he actually is. Shaking his head to rid the thoughts of Jongin, Sehun closes his bedroom door.

He passes the room that used to be Jongin’s study, stepping back when he notices that the door is slightly ajar. He passes this room every morning, doesn’t forget to go in and fix what hadn’t been touched for so long, just because Jongin feels closer this way. He doesn’t wonder why the door had been opened and considers for a second if he should go in, dust away the dirt lacing the surface of Jongin’s study table even though he’d done it the morning before and the morning before that. But it’s almost nine in the morning and his campus is a twenty-minute walk away. Sehun doesn’t have the time and this change of routine is slowly taking away his ability to breathe. He hates change. He hates adapting to new things.

Closing the door to the study, Sehun rushes to the kitchen and bids Chanyeol good morning, grabbing himself a piece of bread the older boy had prepared on the table and almost running out of their apartment. He doesn’t usually drive to class; his car being used for times of need but he’s more than super late and he just hopes there wouldn’t be any traffic jam today. As he rushes towards where he had last parked his car, Sehun accidentally knocks his hand over a railing, causing the bracelet he has been wearing since whenever ago to fall, rolling a few feet away. Sehun curses again.

He goes to pick it up, naturally using his thumb to wipe at the non-existent dirt over the engraving of the name on the surface of the bracelet. He could feel each alphabet under his thumb, feels a small smile linger on his lips as the name leaves his mouth in a whisper. ‘Shixun’, engraved on the bracelet, was the name of his twin brother and no matter how terrible a situation he is in, the memory of Shixun would always bring a smile to Sehun’s face. It’s the wonder of twins, their mother used to say.

Quickly slipping the bracelet back around his wrist, Sehun hops into his car.

He finds himself stuck in traffic fifteen minutes later. More curses.

Shixun was more like fate than choice; at times, Sehun wishes he was born alone, but most of the time, he wishes Shixun would never leave his side. It was something he wouldn’t say aloud all the time and something Shixun would always remind Sehun of. They were almost identical if not for the mole on the right side of Sehun’s neck. Their mother claimed to be able to spot their differences without looking at their necks, but they knew that more often than not, she relied on the mole to pick Sehun out of the two. It was okay, though; they couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault she had to give birth to them.

He guessed it was a twin thing that made it not scary how identical they were. The same black hair, same pair of crescent eyes, same height; it was almost like they were the same person and one who didn’t know them for a long time would mistake one for the other. Despite their identical features, Sehun thinks their differences screamed obvious and for a rather long time, Sehun couldn’t understand how people couldn’t tell them apart. Shixun was loud while Sehun was silent. He talked and talked and talked and he could talk for hours and laugh over the same thing and Sehun would just tag along because no matter how annoying Shixun could get, he couldn’t live a day without listening to that laughter.

(That one time he refused to talk to Shixun and stayed home when his twin went out; he had fever for a couple of days just because he missed the very slightly older boy.)

Perhaps it was because of their very obvious difference that they found themselves staring into the mirror just a day before they turned sixteen (Shixun’s idea), saying nothing and just looking at the reflection in the mirror and Sehun almost laughed but Shixun already broke the silence. “We’re boring,” he had said and Sehun had frowned. And then he had taken Sehun to the nearest hair salon and made Sehun watch them bleach his hair a complete blond. By the end of the night, Shixun was a new person.

It was childish but Sehun had sulked; always the baby of the two. “Why do you get to be the blond one?”

“Because you’re handsome with black hair.” Shixun replied casually, ruffling Sehun’s black hair.

It didn’t make sense. Shixun never makes sense. “Then why did you bleach your hair? Doesn’t that mean you’re like, less handsome?”

“I want you to be more handsome than me,”

It was not a lie but Sehun found out Shixun was playing with him. He stopped sulking because somehow being the more handsome of the two made him feel good, until he realized that Shixun attracted everyone like bees to honey ever since that day. Later on he learnt that he didn’t mind because he was never one for much attention but it had to watch everyone stick to Shixun on their birthday, even though Shixun made sure they stuck by each other as if glued. Shixun had always been and will always be the outgoing one, fun, funny, smart, handsome and it’s okay because Sehun didn’t mind. They were almost the same person and Shixun was his half. Sehun is not whole without him.

Often times, Shixun made sure Sehun knows just how good he looks himself. The more natural one, Shixun said. In the times of confidence, Sehun admits that he does look more than decent. His black hair had always been a perfect contrast to his fair complexion, movements more delicate and careful while Shixun was reckless. And when standing next to Shixun, they looked like a complete opposite of each other. The black and white and the yin and yang. One doesn’t exist without the other.

Their duo became a trio when Shixun brought a new friend home one day named Kim Jongin, and Sehun didn’t mind because Jongin was funny and he made Shixun laugh more than anyone else ever had. It didn’t make much a difference because Shixun and Sehun would always be twins, didn’t matter that ever since Jongin came, the three barely ever went out without each other. Jongin was, like Shixun, outgoing and reckless and went out of his way to try new things, often with Shixun who never forgets to drag Sehun along. As much as it was scary sometimes to get caught stealing, tiring to run away from the people who caught them, Sehun learned the true meaning of fun and that without it, life would be really dull. Without Shixun and Jongin, and if on his own, Sehun would only be… Sehun.

And Sehun doesn’t know if he wants to be just Sehun without a Shixun and a Jongin.

Besides, they pampered him and cradled him like a baby; Sehun much preferred this than being alone.

Nothing changed too much when Sehun starts to see Jongin in a different light. He couldn’t exactly remember when it happened; was it when Jongin caught him by his waist when he slipped or was it when Jongin tucked his hair behind his ear and told him he looks magnificent? He guessed it didn’t really matter. When Jongin kissed him, Shixun caught them and for the briefest second, Sehun thought he had seen disappointment in his twin’s eyes. Was Shixun angry that he had taken away his best friend? Was Shixun disappointed that Jongin had kissed Sehun instead of him? Could Shixun have liked Jongin the way Sehun did? They were questions Sehun seek answers to and didn’t rest well until Shixun laughed and ruffled his hair, told them he was happy that they found each other, no matter how gross.

Shixun was more like fate than choice, and Sehun thinks his fate was pretty amazing because not only did he have a brother but an instant best friend, someone he could rely on. Shixun expressed emotions only for Sehun and sometimes Jongin, strong in so many ways that Sehun was not. He didn’t mind that Shixun was smarter, braver, favoured by so many because Shixun held him with strong arms at night when he cries because he has always been emotionally weak and he thinks their differences didn’t matter as long as Shixun cares for him. They were half of each other. They were one whole.

So when Shixun’s snowboard skittered off after hitting an unexpected rock beneath the snow, and he fell off and rolled down the hill, injuring his head when he hit a tree, Sehun was lost for a very long time. Because even though Jongin held him as he cried and their friends told him it will be okay, Sehun lost his other half and nothing would ever be the same again. Shixun was gone and everything else in the world seemed to have lost its light. It was dark and Sehun was alone, for the first time in his life.

He was angry, too, at the world for going dark, at fate for taking Shixun away from him, at himself for the times he hadn’t been nice to his brother. He was sad and angry for a long time, affecting his studies and managed to graduate high school only thanks to Jongin’s never-ending support, a strong hand holding Sehun’s and pulling him forward. His mother grew sick, emotionally distressed and mentally disturbed. She couldn’t accept that Shixun was gone, held Shixun’s shirt close to her for months after his passing and Sehun only had Jongin to lean on. It wasn’t fair; she should have been the one to hold him because Shixun was his twin, his brother, his best friend. But he was left to tend to his own wounds.

Fate wasn’t as amazing as he had thought for even though he had Jongin to love and care for him, even though Jongin held him and kissed his tears away, nothing was the same without Shixun.

Fate was actually pretty ing cruel. Because they took Jongin away too.

The first class is a gone case; Sehun reaches school just as he spots his module classmates leaving the lecture hall, cursing silently to himself as his shoulders slump. He makes his way to the next class, slightly relieved that he hadn’t missed this one because it was important. Taking up fashion was not a bad choice because it was something he actually enjoys even though the classes get pretty stressful. Getting practical is always his favorite part and the final project will be given out during this next class and Sehun is actually pretty excited for it. What could be more interesting than getting practical?

Doing a collaboration with the photography students, of course.

Being a top student of his cohort does have its privileges. They were told about a week ago that their partners for the project are chosen by the module’s lecturer and Sehun’s happens to be the top student of the photography school. He doesn’t remember the name but the small smile that lingers at the corner of his lips actually indicates that he is a little more excited than he should be. He couldn’t wait to score perfectly for this one, graduate and live the dream Shixun didn’t get to. He would do it for them both.

Stuffing his shades into his backpack, Sehun enters the lecture hall for his next class, spotting a few unfamiliar faces he had only seen around campus. He nods in greeting to some of them that he recognizes, students always around the studio for the campus magazine. He’s been there rather often, always the chosen one for the magazine’s front face a couple of times. He’s known around campus, and he wonders, sometimes, if Shixun and himself would be the whole school’s top faces. Shixun would flaunt it, no doubt. It almost feels wrong to be doing this on his own.

He takes the seat nearest to him, too lazy to climb up to get the back seats where he usually occupies with Chanyeol. Next to him is a photographer student he has gotten to know when he was hanging around in the studio, a girl named Taeyeon with a pretty smile and a really warm hand – Sehun knows this because she never fails to touch his arm whenever they conversed. Sehun smiles at her and to his surprise, Taeyeon only returns the smile with one of her own and a nod, nothing more than a silent ‘hello’. Bad day, Sehun guesses and he totally understands; his morning hasn’t been the best either.

It is about ten minutes later that Mr. Kwon enters the room with a bright smile and a stack of papers in his hand. The class greets him, now totalled up to double Sehun’s usual class after the addition of the photography students. There is an itch under his skin, excitement crawling up his back as he sits at the edge of his chair, waiting for Mr. Kwon to hand him his project guidelines. He doesn’t receive one, brows furrowing as he notices that only certain students are handed the piece of paper.

“Like I have explained time and over, this project is due in ten weeks,” Mr. Kwon begins, still wearing the smile everyone knows him for. “Everything required of you has been stated on the paper you’re holding, one per pair because I’m saving paper. Also, your partners have been chosen for you and I have given you the names last week. Work well, I expect highly of some of you.”

At that, Mr. Kwon’s gaze flickered towards Sehun and he could feel the beginning of a pressuring weight forming on his shoulders. He knows that Mr. Kwon expects the best from him and while he knows that he will give his all, it doesn’t stop him from getting pressurised at times. He takes a deep breath when Mr. Kwon looks away, continuing his instructions. “For the next ten weeks, I will leave you to your projects. Any questions, you may find me in my office. All the best, kids.”

Students begin to leave their seats as soon as Mr. Kwon finished speaking, most already familiar with the partners they were going to work with for the next two months. Sehun begins to scan the group of students to spot his partner, sure he had memorized his face because he had totally forgotten his name. Pursing his lips and brows furrowed slightly, Sehun tries hard to remember the picture Chanyeol had shown him a week ago when Mr. Kwon assigned them together, cursing silently when he fails to. He perks up when his mind remembers a name, something-Baek-something and figuring sitting down wouldn’t help him find his project partner, Sehun stands up and immediately spots him.

Sehun doesn’t really know how to describe Baekhyun, he finally remembers the name. He definitely wouldn’t say a typical Korean face, no, because the kind of beauty Baekhyun actually carries made Sehun think he should be in Sehun’s place; the face of the campus, front cover of the school’s magazine, not someone who captures someone else’s face. Slightly cherubic face framed with an ashy shade of blond hair, Baekhyun’s eyes curled into crescents as he flashes Sehun a grin, a hand raised in an excited wave as he packs his things into his bag, off his seat in a second and down the stairs in another.

Baekhyun is slightly shorter, wearing a white pullover and jeans that hugged his thighs so perfectly Sehun had never looked away so fast. When he reaches Sehun, he offers a hand that Sehun takes, shaking it firmly. Baekhyun’s voice is soft and Sehun has a fleeting curiosity to know if he sings. “You must be Sehun. I’m Baekhyun, we’re working together for the project?”

“That’s me,” Sehun nods with a smile, mesmerised by the sight of Baekhyun’s rectangular grin. “And yes, I’m aware. Byun Baekhyun, right? Top student for the photography cohort? Your work won first prize last year for that competition.” That information must have been stored somewhere in his head and Sehun’s surprised himself that he suddenly remembers.

There is a faint blush that tinged Baekhyun’s cheeks, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. “That would be me. But I won only one competition; you’ve grazed the school’s magazine for three years in a row. I’m actually quite honoured to be working with you. You know, good model, good photographer thing.”

Sehun laughs; it sounds alien coming from him but he doesn’t notice it. “As am I, really. I’ve seen most of your works; my friend Chanyeol is a big fan. I’m actually really excited.”

“Park Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s eyes widened and the pink in his cheeks grew darker in shade. At Sehun’s nod, Baekhyun chuckles, fanning his face. “Sorry, wasn’t expecting it. I’m actually quite a fan of his, too. I saw his photoshoot for my friend Jongdae’s portfolio and thought it was really nice.”

“He is really good. Heard he might be on the cover for this year’s graduating cohort issue.” Sehun nods.

The other boy claps his hands excitedly before he seems to collect himself, clearing his throat and gesturing with his head for Sehun to follow, bouncing on the balls of his feet as a hand curls around Sehun’s wrist. “Come with me to the studio! I thought I’d show you around so you’d know in what kind of environment you’ll be working on. It’s a pretty comfortable place. You’ll like it.”

“Your own studio?” Sehun asks as he follows, impressed.

Baekhyun just waves it off with the hand he doesn’t have around Sehun’s wrist, scoffing playfully as they both head out of the lecture hall and start towards where Sehun knows the studios would be. “It wasn’t used and I thought such space shouldn’t be wasted like that. I got permission from my module lecturer and Jongdae kind of helped me set up the place. You’ll like it, I promise.”

Sehun could feel a smile forming on his lips, eyes lingering at the hand Baekhyun has on him and couldn’t help but think that the warmth is welcomed. They reach the studio not more than five minutes later, Baekhyun opening the door easily as it wasn’t locked. The place, as expected, looks very much like a typical photoshoot studio besides the couches placed at the corner and another door leading into another room. He scans the room with awe, still impressed that Baekhyun owns his own studio in campus. It’s convenient; they could work well with their own space.

He takes a seat on the couch when Baekhyun offers, settling down and getting comfortable. He figured he should get used to it, seeing he would be spending a lot of time here at the studio for the next two months or so. Baekhyun offers him a bottled water that he gladly takes, didn’t realized he was parched until he swallows half the bottle down in one breath. His next class won’t be in two hours, so when Baekhyun suggests that they should maybe start thinking of what they should do, Sehun gladly agrees.

“So I was thinking like a collage,” Baekhyun is saying, seated next to Sehun as they both look over the project guideline Mr. Kwon had given out. “Or we could make it into a mini photobook, maybe. And explain it in the slides for when we present it to Mr. Kwon. What do you think? Pretty lame, huh?”

Sehun raises his brows, immediately shaking his head. “Lame? I actually think it’s pretty nice. A mini photobook would be really interesting, actually. We’d just have to think of a solid topic to it, like a story to tell with the photos. And an interesting concept, you know?”

The grin on Baekhyun’s face widens by the seconds, sitting at the edge of his seat. “At the same time, simple. Simple but meaningful, something to make Mr. Kwon shed a tear or two.”

“I would love to see that,” Sehun laughs, nodding his head. “We could work that out pretty well.”

There is a smug look on Baekhyun’s face and even though Sehun knows it’s playful, he thinks he’s starting to like Baekhyun’s personality. Baekhyun chuckles, “We’ll be great partners, Mr. Oh.”

Sehun is about to come up with a reply when a flashlight startles him into silence, turning to look at where it had come from and frowning when he sees another boy now fanning the polaroid film he had captured. Sehun recognizes him from the rare times that they had crossed paths in campus, the boy with the ever-changing hairstyle and lips always curled into a smile. He hands the photo to Baekhyun, a knowing look on his face. “Look how amazing this collab would be.”

“He’s Jongdae,” Baekhyun says as he eyes the photo, showing it to Sehun. “The friend I was talking about? You’ll see him around here more often than you’d actually like so please bear with me.”

The taller male smiles and nods at Jongdae in greeting. “Nice meeting you. I’m Sehun.”

“I know you’re Sehun. The pleasure is mine, kid. I’ll see you around?”

Jongdae doesn’t wait for Sehun’s reply before he bounces off and into the room that Sehun earlier learnt was where Baekhyun produces his pictures. He’s startled again by another flash, this time coming from Baekhyun’s camera. He sighs and figures he should get used to getting his candid photos taken; Baekhyun and Jongdae seemed the type to snap without asking. He watches Baekhyun smile at the result on his camera screen, looking up to meet Sehun’s eyes.

“Looks like you were born to get your pictures taken, Sehun. It’s perfect.”

Heat spreads at Sehun’s cheeks at Baekhyun’s words and they were silent until he feels a hand on his wrist, Baekhyun’s fingers tracing the name carved on his silver bracelet. Sehun swallows the sudden lump in his throat, knows he would have to answer questions he doesn’t want to hear. Baekhyun smiles wider, taking his hand off. “Shixun. Is it your alternate name?”

Sehun has never shaken his head so fast, forcing a smile as he clears his throat. “Oh, no it isn’t. It’s, uh, my twin brother’s name. Listen, I – I gotta head to my next class so I’ll see you soon? You have my number so if anything, just hit me up and we could continue from there.”

He scrambles up to his feet, scared that if he stays longer he would have to answer a lot more of Baekhyun’s questions. He shoulders his bag and gives Baekhyun a hug when the shorter got onto his feet, shooting a small smile and waving a hand goodbye. His throat is tight and there’s a dull throb forming in his head. He’s been swimming in too much memories for today and he misses Shixun.

He doesn’t even look back when Baekhyun calls out a goodbye, heads home instead of his next class.

A/N: Here's the first chap! I'll probably post one chapter a week since I'm pretty busy and I'm writing again to keep my mind of sad things. I wonder if 4k is enough for each chapter? Let me know if you want more word count in one chapter or less! And as always, thoughts? <33