19. Comfortable

So maybe Taemin is a bit of an airhead. He’s far better than he used to be - he’s seven years older, after all - but he supposes it must be a fundamental part of his psychology so he’s accepted he’s never going to be as organised as he’d like. Besides, he can always pass his daydreaming off as ‘a creative brainstorming session’; Kibum always rolls his eyes at that but it seems to fool Jonghyun.

Having a reputation as a daydreamer, despite the obvious negatives, like getting punished for showing up late or embarrassing himself on TV, nevertheless has its perks. For one, people often assume he’s not paying attention even when he is. He knows everyone’s secrets, but none ever come close to the most sacred, well-protected secret he knows.

The first clue came in the form of packaging; Jinki is tidying the bedroom when Taemin drifts in, at a loose end and looking to help. Also, maybe, to spend time in Jinki’s company.

Which is a bit ridiculous, considering they all live up each other’s arses nearly every second of the day, but Taemin always feels so relaxed, so himself, around Jinki. It’s just…comfortable.

When Taemin slides in, Jinki is sitting on the floor, and Jinki looks up and gives him this radiant smile and Taemin feels all the itchy restlessness fall from his muscles.

“Want to do something useful?” Jinki teases, dragging plastic packaging, evidence of online shopping, out from under their bed. Jinki hands it up to Taemin without thinking and Taemin kicks Jinki, because he can, then treks to the kitchen. He’s stuffed half of the plastic in the bin, when pink lettering catches his attention.

It’s some brand that Taemin’s heard of but doesn’t really know, mainly because the range is aimed at women and makes, in particular, lingerie. He’s about to yell at Minho for ordering weird stuff for Kibum - it’s happened before - until he remembers that the rubbish came from under Jinki’s bed. He knows for certain that Jinki doesn’t have a girlfriend, or even a boyfriend, to gift lingerie to. So what’s it for? Taemin wanders back to the room and is about to ask them when he looks at Jinki. Jinki stares up at him with veiled despair in their eyes and Taemin swallows the question down and says,

“Can you believe somebody finished the milk and put an empty carton back in the fridge?” He doesn’t miss the way Jinki’s whole body seems to deflate in relief.

The next time, it’s their day off and Taemin’s bored out of his mind.

One second he’s on his bed, half-asleep with his head resting against the window, watching as autumn sunlight struggles through the clouds, and the next, Jinki bursts in, hissing furiously at somebody on the phone. Taemin can’t be bothered to move - he just got comfortable - and resigns himself to attempting not to listen.

“-not that! I’m just sick and tired all the-!” Jinki seems to realise Taemin’s presence and stops abruptly, before continuing even quieter. The whole apartment is quiet, though, so Taemin can still hear every word. He tries not to - the clouds look pretty in the sunlight - but he’s a bit worried at the word ‘sick’.

“Mum, no, no it’s fine, you don’t have to ask…yes, I promise if I need to I’ll ask for time off, just promise you won’t…” Jinki drifts into silence and Taemin steals a glance out of the corner of his eye. Jinki’s sitting on his bed, half-turned away from Taemin, but the maknae can still see how pale Jinki’s face is, how dark the bruises are underneath Jinki’s eyes.

“It was, um, the latest photo-shoot, that’s all. All the others were shirtless and they kept trying to convince-“ Jinki’s breath hitches and the words get tangled up in a sob. Taemin is torn between leaving and staying, terrified of eavesdropping but equally scared because why is Jinki crying?

“Management said the last few comebacks were ‘relaxed’ so the newest theme is…it’s all manly, Mum, it’s all leather and tight jeans and the. The clothes last comeback were so much looser and I could wear what I wanted underneath without being caught and it was so freeing and don’t think I’ll be able to bear all this again…” Jinki’s voice is soft with horror. Taemin didn’t think the concept was that bad?

“Mum, could you just…just talk to me as if I were…” Taemin frowns, as if Jinki were what?

“Yeah.” Jinki breathes out, tone almost reverent. “I’m wearing the pink pair with the blue lacy bits.” Jinki shifts on the bed, their free hand rubbing their thigh. “…makes me feel…I don’t know…just…pretty, I guess?”

Jinki calms down soon after, and leaves with a backward glance that Taemin makes sure he doesn’t meet. So, the underwear wasn’t a gift at all, huh? A sudden image of Jinki in pink and blue lace enters Taemin’s mind unbidden and he blushes when he every time meets Jinki’s eyes for the rest of the week.

“Did you know!” Jonghyun calls, effectively interrupting Minho’s argument with Kibum and Jinki and Taemin’s cuddle time. “I bet you don’t, that’s why I’m here to educate you.” The four of them groan simultaneously.

“Not again!” Kibum laments.

“Yet another lecture on queer anarchism?”

“Or the apparent evils of capitalism?”

“Minho, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re only acting so sceptical because you’re basically a poster child for the effectiveness of capitalist propaganda?”

“Jonghyun, if this is just your jealousy over my dramas-?”

“BUT! That is not today’s topic!” He corrals Kibum and Minho onto the sofa and Taemin snuggles closer to Jinki to make room. “Who knows about non-binary genders?”

Jinki tenses and then relaxes so fast that Taemin only notices because he’s basically sitting on Jinki’s lap.

“I thought not!” Minho and Kibum start giggling over something, revealed as the remote control, when the TV turns on a second later. Jonghyun slowly halts, turning to glare at them both, asking in a voice soft with anger, “Do you want to be uninformed bigots for the rest of your lives? Do you want to unknowingly insult people? Do you want to submit to the ignorance of previous generations?” Kibum looks a bit shocked and Minho is grumbling an apology so Taemin takes the initiative and snatches the remote, turning the TV off. Jonghyun smiles at him, the sudden grin vaguely unnerving. “Thanks, Taeminnie.”

As much as the four of them tease and insult Jonghyun, they’re all kind of grateful when he gives them these lectures. (Emphasis on the kind of). So they give in and listen, and when Taemin curls up in bed that night, he thinks about the lingerie and Jinki’s discomfort with the new concept and that split-second when Jinki had tensed earlier, and wonders if maybe it’s not just a for female underwear. Leave that to Minho.

It’s a colossal relief, because Taemin’s always held Jinki in the highest regard and he doesn’t want to change that now.

Eventually, Taemin asks Jinki about it.

He waits for a day when Jinki’s not too stressed out and they’re all alone in the flat, and then he knocks on the bedroom door. (Even though it’s his bedroom too.)

“Come in?”

“Hi.” Taemin says, gently. He really wants to do this right.

“Hi yourself. Are you alright? You look a bit…” Jinki gives him a once over and squints worriedly.

“It’s not me, it’s you.”

Well, . Jinki’s eyes widen, and they look like they’re teetering on the edge of confusion and fear. “Me?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean it like that.” Taemin rushes to reassure Jinki, crossing the room to stand in front of them awkwardly. “May I sit down?”

Jinki pats the mattress next to them and Taemin perches there before grabbing onto Jinki’s hands and looking them straight in the eye and saying, “This is going to be really awful if I’m wrong, but are you, maybe, not, perhaps, a man?”

Jinki starts trembling, their pulse rabbiting beneath Taemin’s fingertips. “What!” Jinki squeaks. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” Their whole face is bright red and Taemin thinks, randomly, in his dreamy way, that it’s cute when Jinki loses their composure.

Taemin forcedly focuses only on Jinki’s attractive face, conscientiously softens his voice, “It’s ok if you’re not.”

The blush is fading, which makes Taemin a little sad. Jinki laughs, “Is this because of Jonghyun’s stupid talk?”

But the tension in Jinki’s shoulders and the tightness of their laughter isn’t fooling Taemin for one second; if anything, it all just acts as confirmation. “Hyung-“ Jinki winces and Taemin pounces, “See! I know you’re not!” And then, because Jinki looks completely terrified and Taemin really wants to convince them of his sincerity, he babbles, “Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if somebody knew? I could help you! Like, I don’t know exactly how the whole thing works for you, but you could tell me and I could help! Like, I could stop calling you hyung or something? Or, or kick the others out of the flat if you need time alone?”

Since humans need oxygen to stay alive, Taemin runs out of breath at this point and stumbles to a gasping halt. Jinki is still staring at him. The whole floor is silent, save for the sounds of their inhales and exhales, all tangled together.

“Really?” Jinki whispers, and the word sounds like hope. Their eyes are starting to shine suspiciously, and Taemin’s not sure whether the brightness of Jinki’s smile is from the winter sun streaming through the window or just from Jinki themself. (Though he kinda thinks it’s the latter.)

“Yeah.” He breathes back. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’d probably do anything for you.” Taemin cheeks tingle and he knows his whole face is pink. “If you asked nicely.” Even though the duvet cover suddenly seems very interesting, Taemin manages to glance up through his eyelashes. Jinki has the prettiest smile ever and they’re definitely teary-eyed. “Just…” Taemin says, squeezing Jinki’s sweaty hands tightly. “Just want to make you feel comfortable too.”

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