The hard, dull sound of a skull meeting wood had never sounded as harsh and painful to Kim Jongdae as it did when one very Zhang Liyin dropped her pretty forehead on the table between them in defeat. To be fair, he was the reason for the surely now forming bump on her head, but that did not stop him from wincing at the action.

“Sorry!” He hastily apologized and looked at her in concern, because from the sound of it surely the collision must have hurt a great deal.
“I simply do not understand” Liyin groaned into the table, wood muffling her words “how you still fail pronouncing this one word right. We have been practicing this for how many years again, four?”
“Three and you cannot claim I do not try.” Jongdae said apologetic.
“Do you, though?” Liyin propped her chin up and fixed him with a questioning stare.
“I try?” Jongdae offered a second time and slumped down, an effect her skepticism always had on him.

Kim Jongdae had mastered a good share of skills with ease in the twenty-six years of his life, ranging from singing, being the right amount of funny and cunning on television, switching between five different ideal boyfriend portraits within seconds, crushing on your female label mate in public and pulling your fandom on your side about it, keeping your mouth shut about every tiny or grand scandal involving your group and smiling it away with ease, coming off as both kind and quick on the trigger over successfully tricking everyone into thinking you were only half as ambitious and hungry for attention as the burning flames inside of you were yelling. Admittedly dancing and not flushing about embarrassing yourself publicly for the fame had taken more effort, but even those he could handle after thorough training and living with eleven young men around his own age.

Chinese, however, he had not mastered at all.

This circumstance was in no way helpful when you were trying to break into the Chinese music market, a market so large that impeccable Chinese was a fundamental requirement for a foreign artist to get even a minimum of attention. It was for that reason that his company had provided him with a mentor and advisor, someone he had worked with years before on his first activities outside of his group and in addition on the Chinese market too, someone he admired without shame and who had always had seemingly endless patience with his language skills: Zhang Liyin.

Sometimes Kim Jongdae felt bad that he wore her out with his shortcomings. Her suspicion that he did not try nearly as hard as he should was right by half. For one he had become frustrated with a few sounds of the language that he could simply not wrap his tongue around to the point he had practically given up and for another a selfish voice in his head enjoyed Liyin’s company, enjoyed that once again they were working together.

If only they could stand on stage again, together.

But it was no longer the year 2014. They had both grown past it, grown from it and Jongdae remembered the first half of that year preferably in relation to her and in disregard of his group altogether. For Liyin it had been a comparatively active year, one between years of calamity and little schedule, one after which she had humbly assessed that her place was in the background rather than the spotlight. The company had given her another solo promotion out of the blue the year before the current one, a full album even and still Liyin assured him more than once that she simply wanted to make her fans happy and enjoyed singing without the pressure and stress he went through.

Jongdae regarded this with a lot dismay, despite the fact that she was now responsible for his individual progress. To him it was a terrible crime that she had never been given another proper chance to become a name in the market and he came to realize if there was something their company just did not know how to do properly then it was understanding the Chinese music market. The company itself had come to admit it and allowed his fellow label mates to set up personal studios. This had come too late in Jongdae’s opinion and when they suggested a similar solution for his solo activities after EXO had gone on indefinite hiatus with Minseok’s and Junmyeon’s enlistment, he had outright refused.

With Liyin’s help he had found a Taiwanese company that was not exactly a big name, but housed a solid number of popular artists and was willing to cooperate with his company. Because Jongdae insisted Liyin had been signed as part of his team as well and so far every step they took had turned out to be a smart move.

“Sure you do try and by try I mean seeing if you can make me snap eventually.” Liyin accused him.
“You wound me” Jongdae pretended to be hurt “I can hold conversations in your mother tongue without stuttering and searching for vocabularies on my phone. I even cringe at my old recordings. I more than try, I believe. Your language is hard, give me a break.”
“If you wanted a break you should have said no to promoting as solo artist on the Chinese market and you know it so don’t play me that hard-language card, Jongdae. You know exactly what you signed yourself up for.” Liyin scoffed and shut her teaching book firmly. By experience Jongdae knew this implied their lesson was over and he did not sigh in relief. Absolutely not.

“Please don’t be upset.” Jongdae started, because he hated when their lessons ended with a heavy atmosphere. “You know that I was only joking. Should we get some coffee on the way back to the dorm?”
“Coffee sounds lovely. I’m driving, you’re ordering and paying.” Liyin decided and packed her things. Jongdae nodded in agreement and followed her obediently. They had had the discussion before, Jongdae not liking that Liyin drove in the conditions of Taipeh’s streets, but after he had went through one very stressful ride himself and Liyin had called him a jitterbug, he acknowledged her calm driving style to be far more suitable for the traffic and that had been the end of it.

It was funny, really, how fast Jongdae had fallen back into the pattern of accepting Liyin’s directions without much of an argument about it. During the Breath promotions he had soon learned to trust her judgement of situations and although it seemed like he often led the interviews, it was always her that made the call on what they would expose, how they would play out the interviews and how much of an idiot he was allowed to make out of himself. Right from the start she had recognized how well it would play out if they showed the contrast between the laid-back senior singer and the energetic youthful junior.

Oh, had it worked well. Interviews had been fun, people falling over themselves to ignite the sparks between Liyin and him. They had played along so well, acting as if it had not been scripted, as if it had not been calculated from the start.

The absolute unexpected side-effect were the real feelings growing inside of Jongdae.

Really, he had tried not to. He had fought it. He had told himself it was only because after a long period of living with other men he was starved of female company. He had repeated to himself it were only the circumstances that made him notice Liyin as much as he did. It was only because he heard eleven other men sing most of the time that her voice was a refreshing sound to his ears. For sure it was difference to the obtrusive smell of eleven different aftershaves that her discreet and light eau de toilette made his head spin. Naturally he would feel a sense of solidarity over Liyin coming to recordings in pajamas just like he did.

After a month Jongdae stopped deluding himself. It had nothing to do with being in a boy group that he experienced such an immense attraction towards his fellow label mate. Even if he had been a solo artist to begin with Liyin would have marched straight into his heart with her affectionate laugh, her poised behavior, her no-nonsense attitude towards the entertainment business and their Korean company, her bashful and simultaneously annoyed reaction towards his, he admitted, overdone politeness and her readiness to work together closely to make their duet a real success.

“Jongdae?”
“Eh, yes?” Jongdae blinked startled, unsure what Liyin wanted from him. She gave him a pointed look and nodded into the direction of the menu above the cashier.
“What are you getting?”
“Oh.” Jongdae mumbled dumbly and quickly browsed over the menu. “Just a hot chocolate I guess, you?”
“Americano.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”

With practiced ease Jongdae ordered their drinks and paid without even converting the money inside his head. They had done this so many times, Liyin finding it necessary that he knew how to handle different currencies and menus, he had internalized the rough prizes in each currency for Taiwan, Hongkong and Mainland China.

Liyin smiled at him when he handed her the cup of Americano and they strolled over to the car. It was getting warmer, winter slowly melting away and they had only one more month until his official debut. A gentle breeze was blowing against the collar of his coat and he had to stifle a laugh when it messed up Liyin’s hair, strands falling wildly into her face. She struggled to push them back and glared at him through her curtain of hair when Jongdae could not stop laughing. With a click of her tongue Liyin ed her Americano into his hands and pulled her hair back, fixing it with a hair tie.

Jongdae stared. How could he not when she exposed the elegant bow of her neck, leaving him wondering how soft the tiny hairs of that area would feel under his fingertips. It was both a blessing and a curse to be around Liyin when you had to constantly feign that your emotions had vanished into thin air over the years. They had gone nowhere and Jongdae had learned to put them into small bubbles that were floating above his head, out of his sight and he could push them back up like balloons when they came too close.

They shared a three room apartment with Jongdae’s assigned manager, a grim man in his mid-forties that reminded him of a mix of Kris and Kyungsoo with a dash of Changmin. Liyin and he got along tremendously well and he secretly suspected them of plotting the best ways to torture him, because when he looked at the schedule prepared for his debut there were several events he had expressed his dislike towards beforehand and they had planted them into his time table nonetheless.

“But why does one of my first schedules have to be a visit at a Taiwanese high school?” Jongdae moaned as he buckled his belt and held Liyin’s Americano for another time as she did the same.
“Because your audience is still young girls no matter how much you hate that fact and the company decided to go with an audience you’re familiar with having to please.”
“Thank you so much.” Jongdae bit back “At twenty-six, going twenty-seven, what other goal could I have than creepily trying to seduce underage women so they buy my products and fund my career.”
“Cynicism doesn’t suit you, Jongdae.” Liyin stated as she snatched the cup from him and took another sip before handing it back to him and starting the engine. “But it stays a fact that you’re uncommonly talented in making the fairer feel appreciated with a few simple tricks of mannerism. Can you blame the company for loving to exploit that gift of yours?”

Jongdae made a face and chose to drink his hot chocolate. He knew what she was implying and he hated how much it affected him, hated that he still felt insulted by the past.
“You’ll never take me seriously, won’t you?” Jongdae said eventually and interrupted Liyin’s humming.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me.” Jongdae replied with a hint of bitterness. “But you’re right, what did I say.”
They drove in silence from there and Jongdae almost wondered if she really had not heard him. When Liyin got lost in music it was sometimes hard to tear her away from it and Jongdae had sat like an idiot plenty of times after telling her about something only to realize she was listening to a sound inside of her own head.

“Jongdae” she started when she parked the car close to their apartment “I want your solo debut to be successful too. But you have to trust the management, okay?”
“Yeah yeah.” Jongdae waved her off and got himself and their two cups out of the car.
“Don’t shrug me off. I believe in you, you know? We just have to go one step at a time, one bigger market after another. Taiwan first, Hongkong next, -“
“Mainland for final, I know, Liyin. I know the strategy plan. I just don’t like some of the contents.”
“It will be all worth it, I promise.” Liyin assured him before fetching the Americano from him.
“Let’s hope you’re right.”

Jongdae debuted on January, 1st 2019 with – of course – a ballad. It was a sweet tune, speaking about love and beginnings, of hope and anticipation what is about to come and Jongdae liked it although he would definitely have preferred something in the realms of a rock ballad. The management soothed him by promising his follow up and then full album release’s title song would be exactly what he wanted and he wanted rock. His solo career was not supposed to be a musical candy shop for teenage girls dreaming of their ideal boyfriend. Kim Jongdae was a grown man, grown tired of only being recognized as a boy group singer. This solo career was a chance to establish himself as a singer and he was not going to let it pass him by without throwing his whole weight into it.

Taiwanese public received him well and as predicted his sales were high in the category of teenage girls and young women. Liyin had grinned at him weighty when the numbers were announced and Jongdae bought her Americanos for the whole week.

Soon Valentine's Day was nearing and naturally Jongdae was booked for a show whose topic was the special event of love. To his great pleasure Liyin was also invited along, 2014's emotionally dramatic duet lingering in people's heads and they rehearsed a typical Valentine's Day song filled with innocent and hopeful expression of tender emotions to perform on the show. There would be interactions, small challenges either partner would have to fulfill and Jongdae would have been lying if he denied how stoked he was about having activities with Liyin again that required them to work closely together.

.

The show proved to be fun for most part. Liyin was his savior in the Chinese love songs recognition game and in return he kicked them up to the couple with most points in the game which had them guessing the languages of different proclamations of love. The perks of being an idol whose group held several concerts in countries all over the planet was showing itself in such moments. Right before the final challenge they were head to head with the actually married couple Fan Bingbing and Li Chen and Jongdae could not help how badly he wanted to win. The prize was a CF deal for the most popular Taiwanese ice tea brand's new product line, a great opportunity to remind the public of brilliant singer Zhang Liyin and to take a leap towards more recognition as junior singer for Kim Jongdae from South Korea.

"For our final round our female competitors will get a rest including a nice foot massage while our male competitors will struggle to create the perfect Valentine's Day confession to their partner. Last and final round: A Box Full of Love." The female MC announced with a cheeky grin and Jongdae's heart jolted before dropping to the pit of his stomach. The MCs made them gather in a circle and draw a piece of paper from a bowl.
"The object you find written is what you have to get for your partner and write a declaration of love in addition. It is important that you include a paragraph of why that object reminds you of your partner. The scores will then be determined half by our jury and half by popularity voting by the audience."
Jongdae held onto his piece tightly and prayed to every God he knew, before he unfolded it. His heart then jumped up into his throat, leaving him in disbelief and wordlessness.

Chocolate.

.

In the year 2015 Kim Jongdae was about to take a leap at faith. He had gone through all preparations thoroughly and he was ready to embarrass himself for this slim chance. If lucky and Jongdae certainly hoped he was, by the end of today he would join Byun Baekhyun in the rows of taken idols.

Cooking had not been Jongdae’s strongest suit, but he had practiced and practiced until he had crafted a good taste and nice shape. Kyungsoo had not said a word, but helped nonetheless and slipped out a ‘good luck’ so silently Jongdae could also have imagined it.

So there she was, that small golden box that he had smuggled into her room with Stephanie’s help, carefully placed out of both Liyin’s dogs’ reach and it waited with ten tiny pieces of chocolate, five with caramel filling and another five made out of dark chocolate. It also waited with a letter of confession, with pleading to accept his feelings. He went all out with it and was waiting impatiently for her reply.

If not on Valentine’s Day then what other day to start dating.

Okay, so perhaps he was a bit of a romantic guy, but the rest of the members would never let him live if they knew and Kyungsoo could be trusted to not hand his blackmailing material to anyone else.

Liyin called him by the end of the evening and Jongdae locked himself in his room before picking up.

“Hi?” He asked uncertain and paced around in the room while waiting for her to continue.
“Did you get the box?”
“I did.” Liyin confirmed, tone poised and neutral and Jongdae immediately felt his stomach drop. “Thank you so much for thinking of me today. It’s really sweet of you.”
“Did you have some of the chocolate?” Jongdae interrupted her, because the talk was not going a direction he liked. She had to open the box of chocolate and find the letter. Why did it sound like she did not?
“Of course. They are delicious, really.”
“And?” Jongdae probed.
“And what?” Liyin repeated, clearly munching on a piece and Jongdae was ready to groan from frustration.

“So what do you say about the letter?”
“Ah, the letter. It’s very sweet. Do you plan to use it for writing songs?”
“No, Liyin.” Jongdae swallowed dryly, because there was no way life was so cruel to him. “It is addressed to you, do you think I am playing?”
“Oh, come on Jongdae, you can hardly be serious. I know you’re a gentleman and you care about all us single ladies on Valentine’s Day, so…”

Jongdae inhaled deeply and exhaled shakily.
“So do I take it right you think this is just one of my pleasantries instead of an honest confession?”
“Is it not?” Liyin asked carefully, suddenly doubtful and Jongdae made an executive decision in that moment.

“You know what, forget about it. Have a nice remaining Valentine’s Day and enjoy your chocolate. I spent three hours in the kitchen today to make it, by the way.”
Then he ended the call.

Junmyeon coaxed him into opening the door three hours later. Jongdae never told anyone about it.

.

Kim Jongdae had two opportunities. He could pretend he was a complete idiot, buy chocolate in a shop or go by a recipe the show handed him, screw up and play it down by writing a uselessly cheesy confession. Or he could take the recipes he knew by heart and create a replica of the rejection that he had never gotten over, thus lay his emotions bare for everyone to see.

The hell with it.

Jongdae started with the caramel filling ones, because they took more time. The MCs were surprised by his skills and probed him about where he got his skills from so Jongdae lied through his teeth and retold the cooking story as if it happened to another member. It entertained the audience and Jongdae flashed a smile, pretending with every fiber of his being that he did not feel exposed in the situation.
“Chocolates are actually the best gift for Liyin, you know?” Jongdae told the studio as he started with the dark chocolate pieces. “Because Liyin’s fanclub is called Chocolate and they are the sweet energizer she needs on exhausting days and her brain food and inspiration on regular.”
“Really?”
“Really.” Jongdae attested and went to choose box and letter sheet for the chocolate after putting the chocolate with caramel filling into the fridge.

There were several patterns in pink and red and Jongdae chose pink out of his simple affinity. To his luck there was also a golden box with a light brown bow. He placed them aside while finishing the dark chocolate and letting it join the other pieces. Only then he sat down, thinking about it for a moment before turning to the cameras.
“I would like for this to be a complete surprise. Please don’t film this so no one knows and it stays a secret.”
Jongdae winked and started to write carefully.

Whatever Liyin expected, it sure had not been this. The air between them had been cold for a while after the confession that Liyin had not taken seriously, only slow dissipating over the rest of the year. Jongdae had originally decided to bury what happened forever, but he was ready to give away a piece of his heart for a shot at Liyin’s and his solo careers.

Liyin opened the box gingerly and her eyes bulged a little at the familiar chocolates. Their eyes met across the room and Jongdae could see the disbelief in her eyes. He merely shrugged and waited.
“Jongdae has made those himself within the last four hours, you should taste them. He refused to share them with anyone for a taste, said they are only for you.”
Jongdae chuckled at the glare she shot him for the unnecessary cheesiness; after all this time he still enjoyed riling her up this way. She knew they tasted delicious, but everyone else did not know about their past and urged her to eat. Liyin played along, making noises of delight at the taste and praised him, laughing when admitting she did not know he could make chocolate. That stung only a little.

“I think Jongdae should read the letter out loud to all of us!” The male MC suggested and everyone agreed with cheers. Jongdae closed his eyes, binge rising in his stomach, but he swallowed it down for the sake of the show, for the sake of the CF deal. He unfolded the paper the MC handed him and took a deep breath, bracing himself.

Dear Liyin jiejie,
Do you remember the last time you received a box like this from me? Has it been four years already? I am letting you know that for me not a minute, not a day has changed the feelings I confessed that day. You still make or break my day with a smile or a frown; your approval still is the most important to me and if you are near I function the least and yet the most. It is chocolate again, because I know you love chocolate. Because they remind you of your fandom and they give you strength and joy, something I wish I could be for you. To me, you are chocolate too. There are so many different flavors about you, I feel like no matter which I taste there will always be a surprise, a new one to discover after all these years of knowing each other. I don’t expect you to accept me. All I want you to know is that from today on I will keep trying, one box of chocolate year by year until, perhaps, your heart is ready to turn to me.

Love, Jongdae

It was so quiet in the studio one could hear a needle drop. Jongdae looked around nervously, feeling stripped down to his rawest emotion and Liyin stared, just stared. Jongdae could not tear his gaze away from the confusion he saw swirling in her eyes. Perhaps he had made a mistake and she would hate him for this forever. Clearing his throat Jongdae turned to the camera and flashed a small smile, changing from Kim Jongdae the insecure young man still madly in love with his fellow label mate to Chen the entertainment talent and humorous idol.

“The feeling I wanted to incorporate is a hopeless yet hopeful love. There are people out there on Valentine’s Day that know they have no chance with the person they love, but they are brave enough to try nonetheless and I want to give those people out there a little courage and the feeling that they are not alone.” Jongdae explained carefully and felt an immediate connection with all the young girls in the audience that nodded along.

“Well, that was heartfelt!” The female MC chirped “Thank you so much for this special moment, Chen and Liyin. Since this was our last contestant, it is now time to vote. Everyone, please pick up your remotes.”

Jongdae drowned her out and slowly withdrew to sit down next to his partner. Liyin seemed still a little shocked by his actions and he deemed it a bad time to speak. There were several pieces missing from the box, something Jongdae noted with swelling pride. All his sweat, getting yelled at by Kyungsoo and burning chocolate during the first two attempts were worth it when seeing that Liyin found his work delicious.

“Do you think we’ll win?” Jongdae asked carefully and turned to her. She refused to look at him, just watching ahead and shrugged shortly.
“I have no idea. Either you just won us one of the greatest opportunities your management could ask for or people find it creepy and we spiral down to last place.”
Jongdae winced and decided to focus back on the MCs. It was hard to resist holding Liyin’s hand to have an anchor in all his anticipation.

“…and the winner of this year’s Valentine’s Day’s Couple Challenge is….”

.

The management was ecstatic about their win and Jongdae was too, absolutely. However his joy was dulled by the way Liyin had started to withdraw into her shell a little more since the show. Jongdae had not bothered to explain anything. If she was curious she could come to him and ask, otherwise she would have to keep wondering how sincere his words were. She did not believe him last time and Jongdae figured he owed her no more efforts to convince her regarding an event that had long passed. Still, he had made the decision for himself to follow through with what he had publicly announced. Kim Jongdae was a man of promises and promises were meant to be kept.

Another important event was just around the corner as well: Liyin’s 30th birthday. Her friends were organizing a small birthday party in Beijing and Jongdae was in contact with them, helping to get important guests as additional surprise and participating in carrying the costs. Liyin had no clue obviously and Jongdae already imagined the delight on her face when the schedule at a radio show turned out to be a celebration just in honor of her big day. Jongdae was not too terribly worried that she would hate the big deal made out of her first three in front, Liyin did not think negatively about aging. If anything she had told Jongdae a while ago that she entertained the thought she was a wiser and more mature woman once she turned thirty.

“You’re kidding me!” Liyin mouthed at him when the doors opened and revealed throngs of friends, a few fans and celebrities.
“Happy Birthday!” Jongdae mouthed back and she laughed, carefree and happy and it was as if his disastrous somewhat confession two weeks back had never taken place. There she was, the beautiful woman that made his heart do the weirdest gymnastics with just a gentle smile and Jongdae hoped she would enjoy the party to the fullest.

And she did.

In fact she did so much that by two in the morning when everyone parted ways, Liyin was positively drunk while Jongdae was stone-cold sober. Liyin had drunk a lot with her guests after making a quick agreement with Jongdae that he would stay mostly conscious so they’d get a taxi back to their hotel. Consequently Jongdae drank non-alcoholic beverages and kept an eye on Liyin throughout the course of the night. She slumped against him in the taxi, unconscious of the pointed looks the driver gave them. Jongdae explained him carefully that he was a friend and they had an agreement that he’d bring her to the hotel safely. The man seemed skeptical, but dropped them off with a higher fee than necessary. Jongdae paid with gritted teeth while Liyin giggled behind him.

“You had far too much tonight.” Jongdae established when she still laughed at what she found a hilarious situation but Jongdae mostly found uncomfortable.
“Let a woman in her thirties live!” Liyin pouted cutely, almost too cute for his sanity and staggered when the elevator moved.
“The guy thought I had drugged you so I could have my way with you. How can you find this funny?”
“Because you’re too much of a gentleman and people pleaser to do such thing. You’d just charm yourself into a woman’s .” Liyin nodded and held onto his arm to keep balance as he walked her to her hotel room opposite of his.
“Then care to explain to me why I am nowhere near the pair of I wish I was close to.” Jongdae mumbled more than retorted and helped her gain stability while opening her door with the key card from her purse. Never would she ever drink so much in his presence again.

Jongdae watched with a sigh as she kicked off her shoes and he dropped her bag on the small table near her bed while she wriggled out of her jacket.
“Don’t forget to remove your makeup and change into comfortable clothes. Don’t just fall asleep in your dress.” He reminded her softly and turned to go, but a hand shot out and tugged at his shirt. She looked up at him with round eyes and to kiss her would be so wrong, Jongdae knew that.
“Stay?”
“Why? I think you should just go to bed and quite frankly I am tired myself so-“

Liyin cut him off with her lips.

“Liyin what?” Jongdae asked, but she had her hands fisted in his collar and dragged him down for more kisses, leaning into him as she tested the feeling of her lips against his. Jongdae had half a mind to stop her, but the softness of her lips and the warmth of her body erased all thought and he pressed back against her, wrapping his arms around her waist to keep their bodies close.

Liyin detached their lips to mouth along his Adam’s apple and Jongdae swallowed hard, mindlessly moving them until Liyin was trapped between him and a wall. Her smaller hands were roaming over his upper body, pushing underneath the fabric of his button up shirt and Jongdae in breath when her fingertips brushed against his skin. This was real, this was happening.

Jongdae’s own hands started to explore, finally answering the nagging question about the softness of Liyin’s neck and discovering the sensitivity of her s, gentle squeezing tearing gasps and tiny moans from her lips against his collarbones. Her hand slid lower, pressing to the front of his pants and it was then that Jongdae’s brain rediscovered the logic option.

This did not feel right. Not at all.

“Stop. Stop it, Liyin. Just stop!”
Jongdae pushed himself off the wall against which he had pressed Liyin and took a step back to gather his thoughts. Liyin looked flushed and confused and if he was somebody else Jongdae would have… but he was Kim Jongdae. He would never exploit her like this.
“What are we doing?” Jongdae gasped and took a few deep breaths. It felt like dunking his head into cold water after a whole day under the sun. Rationale made itself a home in his head again and he could not believe how badly he had lost control.
“Jongdae, come on.” Liyin breathed, closing her eyes for a moment. “I am thirty years old now and I am drunk. Tomorrow morning we can pretend this never happened, if you like.”

“Well, I don’t.” Jongdae snapped. Anger and irritation started to take over. “I am not going to be a cheap and available one night stand. Why must you choose me out of… oh, I don’t know, plenty of other potential guys when you know what I am feeling for you.”
“But you didn’t you do all of this just for the show?” Liyin replied confused and took a step closer, Jongdae immediately taking one back in reaction. “I don’t know where you’re getting the idea from that you’re a cheap one night stand, Jongdae, you-“

Jongdae took another step out of her grasp when she reached for him, almost pleadingly.
“No seriously, Liyin, let’s just quit it. I ran out of ways to make myself clear about the way I feel for you. It is not a show, it never was. I love you. That’s how easy it is and it angers me that you believe I am joking or treating you the way I do for a show. Quit seeing me as a kid that does not know what it wants, we’re not stuck in 2014. I know exactly what I want, wanted for years and I believe it is about prime time that you grasp what I’ve tried to tell you four years, two weeks ago.”

Liyin stared at him, frozen in place and Jongdae had a feeling she was sobering up significantly, because her eyes lost the intoxicated glaze and gained focus. There was an urgency in them, but for once Jongdae did not want to listen, did not want to know. This time she had to listen, no filter and no pretense.

“Here’s the deal: you only get me whole or not at all. You either reciprocate my feelings or you don’t, but I will not have you in one way when I can’t have you in any other. If that’s clear I think there’s nothing more I have to say.”
Jongdae went for the door and threw a short goodnight over his shoulder before exiting the hotel room and the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be intimate with the woman he loved. The blood was rushing through his brain so fast that he almost imagined Liyin yelling his name.

.

To say things were awkward was an understatement. Jongdae had plenty of practice at pretending in front of other people however and so the CF shooting with the topic White Day was a piece of cake, Liyin and him acting the adoring girlfriend and adoring boyfriend part to the t. But aside from all of it their pronunciation practice lessons consisted of testing words and a lot of silence. None of them up a conversation and for ten days speaking practice, schedule meetings and the coffee shop order were the only words they exchanged.

Jongdae missed it. Jongdae missed Liyin in the morning when they helped each other waking up and getting motivated for the day instead of the icy silence they treated each other with now. Even his manager noticed. Jongdae also missed Liyin at noon when they had lunch together in the car on their way to another schedule, because although she was physically present she somehow was not there and most of all Jongdae missed her in the evening, after dinner, when she told him stories about China to help him understand the country and its people better or they had lively discussions about music.

Yet, Jongdae did not regret one word he had said. It had been about time and if Liyin needed time to stomach it before she rejected him once and for all, then he would endure it. He wanted answers and he would get them if he exercised patience. Jongdae had little time to worry anyway, because after the Valentine’s Day show his popularity had shot through the roof and he was invited to shows and events. His Taiwanese management thought it would be great to record a few more songs for the album and release it a month earlier to milk the popularity he had gained so quickly. Liyin went through the songs with him, but Jongdae could hear in her voice when she sang that she lacked focus and if he was honest, so did he.

White Day Jongdae found himself in his pajamas in his bed after he had completed his schedule, a special White Day event of course. Liyin had dropped him off at their apartment and promised to come back with junk food later as a reward for his hard work. Jongdae had his DS and played for a while, anticipating Liyin’s return. It was absolutely brainless, but even after all what had happened on her birthday all Jongdae wanted was to spend the rest of the day with her. Perhaps they could talk, perhaps find a solution to glue the pieces of the friendship back together that they both had shattered.

KFC had been Liyin’s dinner choice and Jongdae took a picture to tease Jongin with later before digging in. They ate without exchanging words, just like all other dinners had been as of lately. Jongdae helped Liyin hiding the evidence of their fast food sinning from his manager and settled back in his room, planning to play a little more.

“I thought we could talk. Can I?” Liyin asked quietly from the door and Jongdae nodded, putting his DS to the side while she closed the door and sat at the edge of his bed.
“So?” Jongdae asked gently “Is this the part where you reject me and we figure out how to be friends again?”
“Not quite.” Liyin replied and checked her nails, something she always did when she was nervous.
“But?” Jongdae wondered, anticipating starting to simmer low in his stomach.
“I’m sorry for thinking you weren’t serious. I wasn’t even aware how much of an effort you made back then to confess to me and I shot you down like that. That was rude and kind of cruel. The only excuse I can offer is that I really thought it was one of your little gestures to cheer me up. I have been extremely blind, I guess.”
“Yeah, you have.” Jongdae admitted nonchalantly.

“I can only say again how sorry I am, Jongdae.” Liyin repeated and fidgeted a little. “Thing is, I have been thinking about what you said on the night of my birthday. I was thinking too single-minded, was being self-indulgent, I wanted you to touch me and I did not consider what you were thinking about it. This is not how I usually am, I hope you can believe me that.”
Jongdae believed her.
“I believe you.” He assured her.

A small smile spread on her lips and Jongdae returned it, starting to feel light in his chest after the heavy weight of the last days. Liyin eventually looked down again and Jongdae followed her line of view to the metal box she was now clutching in her hands.
“All this time I just thought… I am turning thirty and we’re three years apart and there is going to be someone younger that you’ll like so I didn’t want to get invested although I wanted to. I wasn’t aware that you… But it is White Day and you confessed to me, so it is time I give you my answer. This is bought, because I cannot make chocolate at all, but perhaps you can teach me, if you like.”

Liyin ed the pink metal box into his hands and started to tense up while he lifted the top. It was expensive European chocolate she knew he loved, but what caught his interest was the folded white sheet and he sat the box down to unfold the small piece of paper.

Dear Jongdae,
thank you for the second box. I remember the first box very clearly, because the chocolate was very delicious and you have definitely not lost your skill within the last four years. Sorry for the way I rejected you, like an insensitive fool. This time I was reminding myself it was just for a show, even though I wanted your confession to be real. I’m letting you know, however, that there will be no need for a third box. Because Jongdae, I want you whole. You’re like a box of chocolate to me too, full of flavors I don’t yet know but I am insanely curious about exploring. Would you teach me you? I’m offering everything of me in return for what it’s worth, so will you accept me?

Love, Liyin

Jongdae read the text twice, three times, four times just in case. Then he looked up at Liyin who had adopted a rosy color to her face and Jongdae felt not for the first or last time how much he wanted her to be part of his life. The chance to, it was finally here and just waited for him to grab for it and never let go off. And Jongdae did just that, scooting to the end of the bed and kissed Liyin, kissed the tension out of her body and more redness into her face. Kissing her when she was sober and he knew that she wanted him to, too, was so many times more gratifying than the heated smack of lips and falling against a cold hotel wall.

Jongdae pulled back with a content grin that made Liyin laugh and he dragged her towards him, dragged until she was comfortably seated in his lap. They just kissed for a while until Liyin pulled back.
“I hope that you know that I’ll forever had a bad conscience about this.”
“About what, not believing me?” Jongdae asked amused. Liyin groaned and hid her face in his neck, an embarrassed side that Jongdae absolutely enjoyed learning about.
“No, about not teaching you proper pronunciation.” She drawled “Of course about not believing you, you moron.”
Jongdae chuckled amused and pushed her hair out of her face when she reappeared.

“We are adults, Liyin, I can forgive you. I’m just glad we ended up on the same page. We do have to tell the management though.”
“I distinctly remember them giving me a talk that you need no distraction in form of a relationship. I’m screwed, I hope you know that.” Liyin sighed.
“It will be fine. They can’t expect me to not want a long-term relationship at my age and besides” Jongdae grinned cheekily “it’s not like people haven’t suspected it for years anyway.”

.

By September Jongdae had gained a healthy proportion of popularity in Taiwan and although Liyin avoided admitting it, she was visibly very proud of him. His full album had hit well with the Taiwanese audience despite all his fears that since he was a foreigner people would be extremely skeptic. Going on shows with Liyin helped easing his nervousness too although most of the time she was standing backstage and kept an eye on him. A glare, a subtle nod or a clearly indicated no through the gentle shaking of her head guided him well through the most dangerous field of private questions and Jongdae was glad they did not let their private life mingle too much with their work performance. It had been one of the conditions set by the Taiwanese company and SM and they bid well by it.

Contrary to his other fear that perhaps Liyin would change her mind because he was a little younger than her, their relationship blossomed well. New sides of Liyin unfolded themselves almost daily and Jongdae was grateful that they had both taken a chance on each other instead of turning their friendship a complete mess. They were still adjusting to the switch from friends to lovers, but Jongdae was quite positive they would soon settle.

Jongdae did not want to think too much about it, but he had only three more years ahead before he had to enlist and the thought that he would not get to see Liyin every day already killed him a little inside. But then again they could get married before. Have a daughter after, call her Haneul, film The Return Of Superman. They had so many possibilities.

Like a box of chocolate they would for sure find new flavors every day no matter how many years would pass.