Donghae’s POV

“EunHae is real,” he announced to our beloved fans during our 5^th anniversary as Super Junior. He said we are real. 100% legit. My heart leaped for joy. He had no idea how that statement caused me so much happiness that I felt like crying. The world slowed down, and the sound of the deafening screams of our fans faded in my ears. Those 3 words kept on repeating in my head like whenever a song gets stuck in my mind. A song that I would never get tired of listening to. His voice was better than the soothing music in my iPod that puts me to sleep every night. It was as if my vision could only accommodate the sight of him, nothing else.

“Who would you choose, Siwon or Eunhyuk?” asked Leeteuk-hyung.

I was tensed. I couldn’t think coherently. They asked me to choose between the two guys sitting with their backs in front of me, who happened to be Siwon and Eunhyuk. My mind went blank as I stretch my arms to point out which of them I choose. It was a very tough decision for both of them were special to me; the only difference was that I see Siwon as a brother, while I see Eunhyuk as the love of my life. The love that made me whole. The love that kept me breathing.

“Eunhyuk to me is something I cannot explain…”

I meant it, literally. I was overwhelmed with words I could not verbalize, usually occurs whenever he’s around.

I’d be uncool to let you know that you’re the one

The fool who jumped the gun~

I didn’t know why I hover my hand over Siwon’s head, letting the audience know that it was him I chose rather than the one I truly love. The ELF went crazy. I mentally slapped myself for not choosing Eunhyuk. Perhaps I was too nervous to express my true feelings in public that I panicked. Not only my hands were shaking, but also my breathing stifled and my stomach began to turn. ‘Stupid!’ I cursed myself.

“Aish, why do we have to choose among the members?” I said as an excuse. ‘Dammit, Lee Donghae, you’re so stupid! You should’ve told the truth!’

On the second thought. Maybe it would be better off that way, instead of blurting it all out. I wasn’t ready yet, anyway. I was afraid it would surprise not only Eunhyuk, but also the other people in the gym. Or worse, he might get intimidated, and thus start to avoid me. I don’t think I can endure the pain of you being distant to me; looking away from my gazes and avoiding my touches. That would certainly hurt me like countless stabs in my aching heart. ‘I choose Eunhyuk because I love him more than just a friend’ was all I wanted to say but my mouth wouldn’t let me.

I hoped to see him frown in dismay, but when I saw him retain that nonchalance in his eyes, I knew I was being delusional. I knew he was just feigning jealousy. I thought at that moment I’d see him agitate in jealousy, but turns out, I was the one who felt it especially when he kissed Siwon on the cheek. I knew it was only for show but why did I suddenly feel a burning rage towards Siwon? I felt like he’s going to steal my Eunhyuk from me. I became more frightened. My jealousy apparently did not subside even for a bit all throughout the celebration after his skinship with Siwon. In fact, I also felt jealous towards the other members. I wanted to apologize to Yesung-hyung for hitting his head with a ball. It was supposed to be a joke, but it seemed like I got carried away with my emotions that I subconsciously threw the ball on him too hard. I just thought Yesung-hyung and Eunhyuk were being too intimate and I couldn’t stand it. I’d been a bad dongsaeng to my hyungs.

If I slip and tip my hand, I’m certain to scare you away

Then what would I say?

I’d be hurting, I’m certain~

“What you did there was not funny, Donghae,” Eunhyuk reprimanded. “I feel sorry for Yesungie-hyung.”

He confronted me as we reached back to our dorm. I must say that he was indeed serious, for his eyebrows were scrunched up and the tone of his voice was low.

“I said I was sorry. Sorry,” I murmured in shame. I bowed my head as I twiddled my finger.

“When will you stop being so childish?” Eunhyuk’s voice began to raise a bitter tune high, and I, being hailed as Super Junior’s King of Tears, once again failed to prevent my tears from falling down. Eventually, he walked out and stormed into his bedroom while I stayed standing in my place, motionless. When I entered my room and lied on my bed, I hid under my sheets so that no one would see my eyes filled with tears. I suppressed my mewls by pressing my palm against my lips. Same thing happened when he used to claim that we’re not friends, we’re only colleagues. It had always stricken me right through the heart everytime I remember that.

The next day, Eunhyuk sat beside me during breakfast.

“Good morning,” he greeted me, wearing the smile that always made me melt, as if no tension occurred last night.

I smiled back.

“Eunhyuk-ah, check this out!” Shindong-hyung handed Eunhyuk a 5^th anniversary gift from a fan. “It’s so cute!”

It was a red heart-shaped pillow with the words ‘EunHae forever’ embedded on it. Attached behind the people were chibi dolls of me and Eunhyuk. The chibi dolls wore wedding veils.

“Aigoo it is cute!” Eunhyuk put the pillow right in front of my eyes. “Look, Hae! It’s us! It’s made by our fans. You like it? I like it so much.”

I like you better. So much.

“I like it,” I said.

“Would you mind if I put this in my room? Or do you want it—“

I want you in my room.

“You take it.”

Eunhyuk flashed his famous gummy smile.

~

It was like déjà vu. The chibi dolls came to life. During SS3 Taiwan, the Taiwanese fans gave us wedding veils and the members made us march on stage while wearing those. Every single step, I imagined us holding hands, exchanging vows, and putting rings on each other’s fingers.

“I wish this was real,” I softly whispered.

“What did you say?” he spared me a glance.

“Me? Oh nothing,” I almost slipped. Good thing he didn’t hear it.

Those touches and embraces he initiated, how I wished he knew I took them seriously. How I wished he would realize that I was yearning for more… More intimacy. However, “it’s only a fan service, Hae. A FAN SERVICE. We only give them what they want, but it should not have a bearing to us aside from publicity,” as he would always say.

Ouch.

~

Eunhyuk and I were chosen to be guests for the show My Heart is Beating. I didn’t know how the title was related to soccer, but our moments together during the taping really made my heart skip a beat.

“Are you nervous?” he asked.

“Quite. I didn’t do warm-ups that much. I might hurt my legs.”

“Relax,” he rested his one hand on my thigh. “Why would you hurt your legs with just one kick, to think that you dance with so much power yet remained uninjured? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

We both laughed.

“Do I really dance with so much force?” I wondered.

“You might wanna ask the stage,” Eunhyuk jokingly answered.

I aimed for striking a goal, but I failed. I bit my lip. I reverted my attention to him, and I saw him raising a thumb up, telling me that it’s okay. When it was his turn to kick the ball, I cheered for him. To show my moral support, I walked towards him and cupped his face. ‘Go for the goal, my love’ was all I wanted to tell him. Fortunately, he was able to make the goal. Both of us were ecstatic. He turned to me and hugged me tight; I was in heaven. I closed my eyes to feel more of his warmth. My body slightly weakened. I smelled his addicting scent that made me want to further close the distance between us until he could finally feel my love for him. It took a few seconds before he finally let go of me.

Let’s just stay like this forever, please?

~

But if I play my role just right, then tonight could be my lucky night and you could be mine~

We chatted inside his room about the fun experience we had during the taping earlier.

“So, do your legs hurt?” Eunhyuk rested his head on his hand that was supported by his elbow on the pillow.

Will you stop doing that? It’s provocative.

“You were right. My legs are immune to my powerful dancing,” I chortled.

“I told you so.”

“But you know what, you were impressive.”

Eunhyuk scoffed.

“I mean it,” I asserted.

“Whatever.”

“Hyukkie…” I pulled the sheets up to my torso.

“Hmm?”

“Can I sleep here tonight? Please?”

He sighed. He threw one of his pillows at me. “Just for tonight.”

I grinned in glee.

He positioned himself on the bed to finally drift off to dreamland after a long tiring day.

“Hyukkie?”

“What now?” he was quite annoyed for interrupting his sleep.

“I-I was just wondering… Remember that one show we did in Taiwan?”

“What about it?”

“Uhh… What were you thinking when you said that I’m your girlfriend?”

What an awkward question.

“I wanted to be the guy in our relationship.”

My whole world stopped. Does this mean that what he said during that day was real?

“You know I love you, right?” he added.

Breathe, Donghae. Breathe before your brain runs out of air.

“You do?”

“More than you ever know.”

I froze.

“It silenced you, didn’t it?” he sat up and laughed. “Of course I love you. As a friend. Coz you’re my dearest friend, you gullible fish. I was just playing. Now sleep. I’m tired of your questions.”

I hated him for getting my hopes up, but denying in the end. He had no idea how long I’ve been  waiting for him to say those words to me. But apparently, that was just one of his schemes to shut me up.

“Ugh, fine. Good night, Hyukkie,” I leaned close to his face for an attempt to a good night kiss on the forehead.

“What the hell are you doing?! Cut it out! Hey… stop! You’re disgusting!” he kept on pushing my face away from him. I won, though, coz I bit his hand tauntingly so he withdrew it from my face, thus I had the chance to kiss him on the forehead. I giggled.

“Damn you,” he scowled.

I didn’t refrain from laughing.

“Stop laughing. I’m trying to sleep,” he hit me with a pillow.

“Okay okay. Sorry. Good night, Hyukkie… Are you mad?”

“SLEEP!”

I love it when he grimaces out of annoyance begotten by my playfulness around him. Besides, I knew it wouldn’t last for long because I knew him as someone who does not get angry easily.

As I stretch to switch the night light off, I wished to see him in my dreams because it’s the only way I can tell how much I love him.

~

I had been busy with the taping for the Taiwanese soap Extravagant Challenge, as well as the remaining members of Super Junior-M, including Eunhyuk, who were having their left and right guestings in different shows. It had been weeks since Eunhyuk and I saw each other. I badly missed the moments when we used to laugh until we cry, and talk until there’s no more topic to talk about. I wanted to give him a call but I was thinking that maybe he was too busy that he no longer had the time to talk to me.

Eunhyuk and the other members were the first ones to come back to Korea. When the taping for the drama was finished, I planned on surprising him… And maybe confess my love to him. Those days of not seeing him tormented me so much that I could not sleep at night. My mind was filled only with thoughts of him all throughout my waking hours. I supposed maybe it would be the right time to know my feelings for him.

I scampered down to the hallway of SME building to see him. Sungmin told me that Eunhyuk will be found in the dance hall, and so I hurriedly made my way there. I organized my thoughts as I nearly approached its door. I could almost hear his voice talking with someone which I assumed to be Leeteuk-hyung. I planned on startling Eunhyuk when he exits the room, so I hid behind the wall. To ensure that this childish bamboozle will be a success, I stuck my ear on the wall and eavesdropped to their conversation.

“I don’t wanna see Donghae anymore.”

My excitement suddenly drained down. It was Eunhyuk’s voice. I heard it clearly. He loathed me. After more than ten years of friendship, now he just wanted to end it in a snap. Pain crawled into my chest. I wanted to run away but my feet were glued to the ground. Meanwhile, Eunhyuk came out of the dance room. His eyes widened when he saw me.

“D-Donghae?! Y-your back?!”

“S-Surprise!” I faked a smile. But my tears didn’t stop from falling down. Before he could even draw close to hug me and ask me what’s wrong, I fended off and ran as fast as I could. He didn’t even bother to follow me. I went straight to my car and drove my way to wherever the road takes me. I didn’t really know where to go.

If I present it to you with a flower in the moonlight shiny and new, well you couldn’t say no tonight~

I arrived at Jeollanam-do. Even I myself was amazed for driving this far coz usually I get tired after driving for a couple of hours. I didn’t realize it was past midnight but the glow of the moonlight illuminated the area. I stopped by the seaside and stayed inside my car. The sea breeze was freezing. I stared blankly at the sea, thinking why all of a sudden Eunhyuk wanted to wean himself from me. Where did I go wrong? Had he been in love with someone else? If ever that’s the case, I’d accept it even if it kills me. I’d be happy for him though deep inside I crumble.

I heard rocks cracking as if something big and heavy was stepping on them. I looked at the rear view mirror to check what it was.

I t was Eunhyuk’s car.

He stepped out, opened the door of my car, and dragged me out.

“Let me go!” I pleaded as I resisted his grip, but he was just too strong. He dragged me meters away from our cars. “What are you doing here?”

He finally let go. He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. “I anticipated you’d come here.”

“You shouldn’t have followed me. I want to be alone. Now leave,” I pushed him but he blocked my way.

“I know you used to come here whenever you feel down.”

I gave him an irritated look. “I came back for you and this is what I get?”

“Get what? You’re the one who ran away.”

“I heard what you told Leeteuk-hyung. You said you don’t want to see me anymore. If you do, then why did you follow me?”

“Let me explain.”

“I don’t need any of your excuses. It’s obvious that my feelings are nothing to you.”

I paced back to my car. But after a few steps, he mentioned something that caught me off guard.

“Your feelings? What about my feelings?!” Eunhyuk cried.

I faced him in perplexity.

“It’s true that I don’t want to see you anymore.”

I shed tears. “Why not? Am I not important to you?”

“But you are. Please let me explain.”

“It’s obvious that my feelings are not important to you. Dammit, Lee Hyukjae! Why are you so numb?! Why can’t you realize that I love you? Don’t you know that I came back coz I missed you badly? I came back because I couldn’t last another day without seeing you! Why don’t you open your eyes?! I’ve been loving you for years, don’t you know that?!”

 I continued to march back to my car but even before I could go inside, he pinned me on my car. I gasped when he quickly placed one of his hands on my nape and pressed his lips against mine. I succumbed to the kiss and closed my eyes. He on my lower lip. His other hand s around my hips and hauled me closer. It was like I’ve been electrocuted. My heart was beating fast. I felt blood rushing through my veins. I felt like fainting. My body wanted nothing but to stay that way forever. 

After a while, he pulled away. He was also sobbing.

“Why are you telling me these just now?” he cried.

“What do you mean?”

“I said I don’t want to see you anymore because everytime I do, I lose the courage to tell you how I feel. It hurts me so bad. Now, why didn’t you tell me that you love me in the first place?”

“I was afraid that if I tell you that, you start to avoid me.”

“Look,” he held my hand. “What I said during our 5^th anniversary, that EunHae was real… I meant it. When I said that we’re in a relationship, I meant it. I was hurt when you chose Siwon rather than me. I was jealous so I scolded you that night. I felt like he’s going to steal you away from me. When they made us march while wearing wedding veils during the SS3 Taiwan, I was the happiest person on earth because even if it was just a fan service, I felt like we really got married. When the first time I told you I love you, I really meant it. I actually slipped. But I was afraid you might reject me so I’d rather falsify the truth. I said I love you only as a friend, but in fact, I love you more than just that.”

I kissed his hands that were tightly intertwined to mine. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that to me,” I cried.

After all this time, I didn’t know he loved me too all along.

“Lee Donghae… From this day forward, I want you to know that I love you. I love you,” he brushed his thumb against my cheek. “I love you. I wouldn’t get tired of saying that to you.”

I smiled. “I love you, too, Eunhyuk. From the very start.”

“I don’t know how my life will be like if my heart wasn’t able to find you.”

“That is if I keep my heart out of sight.”

And my love Eunhyuk kissed me some more, under the moonlight beam.

~*~