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"Are you sure you're going to just leave everything behind?"

 

I turned to him, and when our eyes met, I saw nothing but the shallowness in his own. They were sad, like they have always been. Many times I watched him cover those sad eyes with his own smiles, but it takes one to know one. Those eyes can never lie to me; his gaze lingers and I didn't dare look away. Because I knew what that look meant, and I knew that he understood what it is that I’m not telling him. He was the first one to look away with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

 

"These are things that I wouldn't need, anyway. Plus, bringing them with me will be too much of a hassle…"

 

I knew that he wasn't talking about the things in my apartment that I'm leaving behind. I knew he was talking about him and my career; everything that I have made here. Either way, he nodded his head before walking around the couch, running his palm onto its surface. It had been his temporary bed for many nights when we had to work together on our projects at school and in our current job. Maybe giving it to him instead since he didn't have one in his room is a better idea.

 

"I'll take care of them for you. Would it be okay if I bring them to the orphanage by Sycamore Street? Or do you have anywhere planned?"

 

"I think that's a good idea. I really appreciate the help. Thank you."

 

"Don't mention it," he said with a small smile as he pocketed his hands in his pants. He didn't look my way. I didn’t want him to, either.

 

Silence is something I'm good at keeping, and he knew that more than anyone else who had known me for these past few years. He was always the one to break it, because he knew that silence is much louder than the actual noise we hear. Because in silence, there are thousands, millions of words that are left unsaid. But right now, his murmur is just a ghost to the loud sound of a paper-shredder by my desk.

 

"You know... Mister Peterson booked your flight for tomorrow. He'll either personally deliver your ticket later or you can choose to swing by his office. He's really firm about taking you in his team. He even already fixed your new place in London,” he says, “The man seemed desperate.” He then chuckles to try to lighten up the mood.

 

"I heard so too," I replied, not knowing what to say at a time like this.

 

It's always been like that to me. Goodbyes are something I didn't know how to handle; it’s basically something I don’t want to learn to handle at all. Goodbyes are painful; goodbyes are always full of heartbreaks and never ending tears falling. Goodbyes are plenty awful.

 

But I’m always the one to say good bye first. Always.

 

So, just like the first time we started working together, he was the one to break the silence. But not with the same amused chuckle. This time, it came out quiet... and sad.

 

"Man I wish you didn't become so good that every company became desperate to take you in."

 

I let out a laugh too, but I knew how forced it sounded to him. I’m aware that he knew it is a forced laugh, a forced smile, always just a forced emotion.

 

"I'm not as good as you make me sound and you know that. I just happened to land a good project once. That doesn't make me—"

 

"You're going to leave everything behind and start a new life without me in it. I know I don't have the right to ask you to be by my side, but— I just... I just want to keep being by your side, even if this is all just a one sided thing."

 

It came again, the moment I'm trying to run away from, the moments he tells me how he feels about me. The moment I hurt him.

 

He has always been the type to face any situation, without a single lie, even if it hurts him. And here I am, stuck with my tongue held because I don't know how I should respond without hurting him. No matter how I look at it, any sincere answer from me will always hurt. We just can't be what he wants us to be.

 

 

"You rejected me on the day I confessed because of someone who lives on the other side of the world. I had to give way, because these are feelings I can't force onto you. At least I'm the one next to you. But now..." He looked at me and it hurts me how broken he looked. I wanted to take it away, but I can't. He's a precious friend to me, but not precious enough to have my heart that already belongs to someone else. "It seems even destiny is against my happiness."

 

All I could do at that time is give him a hug. At least that, I can give to a friend.

 

He held me close for a few moments as if it's the last time; as if it's the last time he'll feel the same way towards me, as if he's finally ready to accept that the two of us can't be anything more than this.

 

He took a deep breath before letting me go, hands holding my shoulders as he looked at me with a smile. And I silently prayed that someday, that smile can turn to something real; something that can reach not just his eyes, but also his heart.

 

"Any more of that and I might never let you go." He squeezed my shoulder once before letting go and walking to my desk near the window. "You know how much I hate handling projects alone. Yet here you are, about to leave me with all these projects we're supposed to work on together. This is betrayal, I tell you."

 

I cracked a smile as well.

 

"But your new partner is arriving in two days. I heard he's Chinese too, and an excellent engineer. You two should work out just great."

 

"Yeah, yeah; Chinese, tall, good looking, topped the last licensure exam, et cetera, et cetera. I heard all of that," he deadpanned as he fixes his attention back to putting more things inside the box he’d been holding, "Eric's team kept gossiping about him all day yesterday, and then teasing me. As if I get attracted to every Asian engineers who become my partner. Do I really look like that kind of person?" He asked, turning towards me.

 

"No, you don't, Kris. You look far from that. They just really have a special liking to teasing you."

 

"Now there won't be anyone taking my side when the other teams decide to gang up on me."

 

"Your new partner will. Just call me if he won't, I'll make sure to smack some sense into him."

 

He picked up and examined the thirteen centimeter-earth model between his thumb and index fingers, rolling it from one side to another.

 

"Can't you wait until new year before leaving? It could get dangerous, you know; with all the people traveling to spend their New Year at home."

 

It wasn't a suggestion; it was a plea. It was his last plea.

 

"Kris, you know I can't do that... I've settled everything already," I replied as I tape the last box and look at him. "And... it's too cold here during December."

 

He knew what I was talking about. He took a deep breath before tossing the little token to me. I caught it with both of my hands and looked straight at him as he continued what he was previously doing.

 

Sighing in resignation, I took my trench coat from the rack next to the single couch and put it on. I hesitated, but realized he'd want to be there when I make my decision anyway... even if it'll hurt him.

 

"Do you want to have dinner together?" He paused what he was doing and stood straight to glance at the wall clock. It says it’s quarter to four. It’s too early for dinner. "Let's drop by Mr. Peterson's office on the way."

 

"Ah...Yeah, we have to do that, of course..." He murmured, face held down.

 

I saw him heave a deep sigh, but I chose to ignore it as there was nothing I can do to make things better for him. I can’t stay. I can't keep being by his side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winters in New York are significantly colder than in Seoul. Before, I've always thought that there isn't a place as cold as it is during the winters in Seoul. I've always hated the coldness, and being frostbitten. I hated the fact that no matter how I try to wrap myself with clothes, I don't get any warmer. I hated staying indoors, but I only get frustrated outdoors with the cold biting onto my skin, prickling me like tiny needles. For a long time, I had to choose between staying indoors, feeling empty in my own home; and going outdoors, enduring the coldness. I thought I had to spend every December like that, but then you came and all that changed.

 

You made winters a little less cold for me.

 

 

The people around me all have their shoulder hunched, hands in their pockets or blowing on them to keep them warm as we wait for the go-signal to cross the road. I didn't bother to do any of that, winters here will always be cold, and there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to endure it a little more.

 

Soon enough, the people started to walk in haste as they cross the road. Everyone is in haste, every day, all the time. I used to be one of them; always busy, always trying to occupy my head with academic matters or projects as to not think of you. But you were always there, in my head and in my heart, unwilling to go away, unwilling to let me stop thinking of you even for just a minute.

 

 

I battled with myself for years, Jongin. Life was difficult without you in it. But, I knew from the very beginning that it will continue to be difficult…

 

 

…even with you in it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was five years old when I began to understand the human mechanics of not liking something when it doesn’t seem as desirable as the rest. I was in pre-school and one of my classmates refused to share his food with everyone. Because of that, he didn’t have any friend; no one wanted to talk to him because he said he didn’t want any friends that will only steal his favorite snacks. He didn’t act as nice as the rest of the students. When there is something he doesn’t want, he says it out loud. He wasn’t a favorite in our class; in fact, he was far from it.

 

To me, he looked lonely. But I didn’t do anything about it. I just didn’t want to be like him. I didn’t want to be disliked. I shared my food with everyone. I told myself I was fine with it even though they were my favorite snacks that were difficult to find. I just wanted to be liked.

 

I did everything desirable to humans; things that will make people like me even more. Even if I didn’t like doing them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beads of sweat roll down the side of my face and I wiped it away with a handkerchief, glancing at the heat level the taxi driver has on. It wasn't too high, but I am sweating despite how cold my hands are. I'm not sure if it's completely because of the heater or if it's because of something else, something even I have no control of. There are too many things running in my head, things I have yet to decide on and feelings I have yet to settle.

 

Am I nervous? Excited? Scared? There is no way for me to know.

 

All these years, I trained myself into acting the way I used to before I meet you, trained myself to feel how I think is the most appropriate. I have been predictable; my actions measured and planned. At first, I thought it will be difficult; God knows how much you’ve changed me. But without you by my side, going back to the way I was became something that came back so naturally. I was back to the person who lives to please others.

 

 

 

 

But today, Jongin... Today is different. I am not predictable, even unreadable to the point that even I can't understand myself. I don't know how I feel. I'm not even sure how I should feel. Today is a mixture of feelings that I cannot name, or would rather not name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was fourteen when I realized what kind of person I had been acting like; I was someone that isn't real. I turned myself into someone who lives to please others.

 

My father was the second oldest son in his family and was the most successful among all his other siblings. Marrying the only daughter of a well known businessman in our city only elevated his status. It was something my father worked hard to keep. And being the only child, I felt that it has become my unspoken duty to keep that high status; to be the perfect child for the perfect couple. And try, I did.

 

I've always thought I was being a fake person. Most of the times, I wonder if my good actions are really heartfelt or because it had become innate—the act as a kind-hearted child— to make people think I am as perfect as they see my parents. I've always thought something was wrong about me. I didn't know who I truly am. I was conflicted by it for many years. And for a long time, I told myself to keep ignoring these thoughts, no matter how it haunts me.

 

 

 

 

"How did you feel when you stood up for Minseok when he was getting bullied?"

 

There was a pregnant pause. I didn't know how to answer.

 

"I'm not...sure. Maybe happy? Relieved? It just felt nice when he thanked me and he started having friends..."

 

"You see? It wasn't an act. You think too much about these things, Kyungsoo. It's fake if you planned it all just because you know it would make people look up to you more."

 

"That will make people look up to me?"

 

You chuckled as you ruffle my hair.

 

"You have a good heart, Kyungsoo. That's why everyone loves you."

 

At that time, I realized that maybe I wasn't completely faking it. Maybe, I just really wanted to do good things because that's what my heart says.

 

Everyone loves. I wanted to ask if you were included in that ‘everyone’ you speak of, but your laugh rings in my head and I looked at you, wondering if you knew your eyes shine bright when you laugh like that.

 

You made me realize things that I find hard to understand just like that. You made me realize who I truly am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was fifteen when I fully understood how the world is supposed to revolve with a man falling in love with a woman and having their offspring to continue their bloodline.

 

But what about those who fall for the same gender?

 

It wasn't even supposed to be a question. It simply shouldn't be. Homouality is something frowned upon by the society. And coming from a family whom is proud of having the blood of soldiers who fought for the Korean battles, it was apparent that even a rumor of being in that state can only do as much as to stain the bloodline's name.

 

 

 

 

It wasn't supposed to be a problem. That was, until I met you.

 

 

 

 

The world is full of colors and with every new experience, new feelings, one color brightens after another. I've read once that it's the concept of 'being thrilled' that adds more to the color in one's world. But mine lacks thrill; my life was planned and ordered. It wasn't gray, as I have little tints of color in the form of my parents' love and my best friend Luhan's occasional visits. Rather, it was dull. There were colors, but they were dull. I knew I didn't like it, but there was nothing I can do, no one I can blame. I was born in this world to be like this.

 

My life was dull and boring; every day was the same.

 

The first time I saw a vibrant color was somewhere during the start of middle school. It came into the form of a transfer student from Incheon. He smiled a wide smile, hair bouncing as he bows down to his seniors, and laughed a high-pitched laugh that bounced across the hallways as he laughed with his new friends. I found out his name was Kim Jongin.

 

You didn't know of my existence as we were in different class sections, but I was satisfied with just seeing you around.Wherever you go, my eyes follow.

 

You were a vibrant color in a sea of dull ones.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was told many times that I needed to make lots of friends to be like my father, who has a lot of them, because the more friends, the more supporters. Having acquaintances, or 'friends,' as my relatives liked to call it, wasn't completely a difficult task for me. What was difficult was making 'real friends'. Somehow, I always end up being on my own. It wasn’t that no one wanted to talk to me, or that I didn't like talking to anyone. It was just that all I've ever had were casual friends, friends who I talk to when I need to or they want me to. But I never made a move to start a real conversation. I was just there to help when they need one, and they do the same. I didn't have friends whom I walk home with, talk to about our assignments and how we did in every test like the other kids. I've always thought that it's fine, as long as we keep the 'friendship', as long as I wasn't being disliked. Luhan should be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My fascination towards you who continued to be vibrant like the first time I saw you, had grown as years pass by. However, no matter how much I want to be close to you and establish even the shortest conversation, I couldn't. I had no courage to even make myself take a step closer to you. I decided to keep my distance and be satisfied with just watching from a far, watching your back as you walk to your next class, watching your hair bounce as you run to the bus stop, or just watching you talk so animatedly to people. I've always thought that getting closer to you was just a big ambition I should keep as it is. I should just stick to what is predestined for me.

 

But then one spring day, you entered our room, all cheery and vibrant. Your friends from my class were welcoming you as our new classmate who got accelerated to the first section. I was hearing voices from dull colored faces but my eyes were trained on you. Your smile was so close. I froze in my seat as you pass by me to get to your new seat at the back row. You smelled like a mixture of musk and something mint— perhaps it was your favorite mint candy.

 

Life has not been as difficult as the many times I kept hearing your hearty laughs and cheery voice behind me and I had to pull myself together, to not turn around and look at you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Is this your eraser?"

 

Those were the first words you uttered to me.

 

It was blinding. You were so close to me, crouched down beside my desk as you held my eraser up. And there were too many colors. Bright and different... something that is you.

 

"Ah," I said, my voice shaking, "Yes, that's mine. Thanks Jongin!"

 

The eraser was much smaller than I wished it was, and so I had to be very careful to take it off your palm as quick as I can with my trembling hand.

 

It was thanks to you looking at my face instead of my hands that you weren't able to notice how much my hand was trembling. I forced a smile as I clenched the eraser in my cold and clammy hands.

 

Later on that day as I repeat that scene over and over again in my head, with my study time completely disregarded, I realized and then wondered how you saw such a small thing tumbling off my desk and why it had to be you, of all people, who helped pick it up for me. It might have been just a coincidence, but I hoped it wasn't the case.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn't completely aware of the things happening around me as I believe not everything needed my attention, but I wasn't naive either. You must have thought I didn't notice. But Jongin, you were one thing I have always been aware of.

 

At first, I ignored it and thought maybe I was just imagining it. But after a season and a week, it became as clear as day to me... You were measuring the distance between us.

 

It didn't matter if it were your arms you use as you stretch them behind me; or your feet, one step after the other; or your tennis racket laid down on the floor; or Chanyeol's guitar jacket that you quietly drag across the room. You were always muttering measurements under your breath as you near me, only to stop when you deem it too close that I would notice. You were always so adorable doing those things, completely clueless of how aware I am.

 

I was always watching you, Jongin. But you didn't know that. I don't know what kind of friendship I will have with you if I was the first to approach you. I definitely didn't want it to be the 'almost-friends' type of friendship that I always end up making. I was never good at making 'real friends'. And so I thought, maybe it would be fine if I wait for you to approach me first and figure it out with you after. That is, if I wasn't reading too much into your actions. I've always been good at waiting, and I thought that you will always be worth the wait.

 

Many times, I watched you in my peripheral vision as you try to approach me. There are times that I would stay rooted where I stand, mentally cheering for you to come a little closer. But you never came closer than the usual. At some point, I started to think that maybe, you really didn't want to be friends with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hello, Jongin! I didn’t know you were nearsighted as well.”

 

You were finally, finally sitting right next to me. Jongdae and Joonmyun behind us were smiling from ear-to-ear. But you didn't utter a single word, and stayed still.

 

Maybe I didn't seem friendly enough to you?

 

I smiled the friendliest smile I could manage and waited for your response.

 

That day, I realized that you rub your nape when you laugh. But this time, your laugh sounded different. It was gentle and shaky.

 

And the next days after that, I caught a few glances of your clear glasses. They looked cute on you, but I wondered why you have to put up with it even when you find it an annoyance.

 

 

 

 

 

  

The new sitting plan didn't change anything. You were always close to me during our class; I could hear you muttering centimeters even when I'm looking away as you measure the distance between us, I notice you several times taking a step back, looking as if there was something you want to say, But we never moved on from a dead air and an almost conversation.

 

'Take things to your own hands then," Luhan once suggested over a tea ceremony.

 

It sounded absurd to me at that time, but I guess the amount of attention I have for you is much more absurd.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should know by now, Jongin, that I have never initiated making friends with people who will not benefit my future plans or current situation in any way. Even to Luhan who had become my best friend in the end; our friendship was started with ulterior motives.

 

When I do something, I do not hesitate. Because I know that what I will do is not technically wrong, and will be beneficial to me and my family. Everything was to protect my name and my family.

 

But with you Jongin, I hesitated not once, not twice, but many times. You are the son of a couple that are both average salaried government employees. You do not excel in sports, or in our academic and any other non-academic activities. There was nothing about you that can benefit my future, yet I was drawn to you.

 

There were a lot of different events concerning you that took all of my courage for me to make happen.

 

It took all of my courage to finally do as Luhan suggested. I did not know what exactly to do. Wanting to befriend you wasn't something I decided on after a plan. It just happened. You just happened. And you just exited the gate and I didn't know how I can ask you to walk home together. My new bicycle isn't supposed to be there.

 

I cleared my throat, gathered my nerves, and let out a deep breath as I look at my sacrificial lamb in the form of a newly bought bicycle.

 

"Jongin!"

 

And held on tight on my bike as I walk to where you were, knees trembling.

 

 

 

 

I thought you would find it weird, but I have already made my mind and—yet again—gathered all of my courage to join you during lunch. I didn't expect it when you brought me to your favorite place by the rooftop but you did.

 

“I brought Ddeokbeokkie and fried chicken for you. You like fried chicken right?”

 

I froze yet again after realizing what I have just said. I wasn't supposed to know that you like fried chicken. I wasn't supposed to know anything about you aside from your name and which route you take from home to school. But you only grinned, your eyes already on the lunch pack I brought with me.

 

You've always been the oblivious one, haven't you?

 

 

 

 

Weeks of friendship turned to years and then I lost track of time, of my plans. And before I knew it, we're already attending our third year in a university that we both chose. My doubts about what type of friendship we have had long been made clear to me. I knew what it was that we felt for each other but I chose to keep us as we were, rather than go into the unknown.

 

But just when I thought that what we had was enough, you surprised me and proved me wrong.

 

"I like you, Kyungsoo. And... not just as a friend. Is it okay?"

 

I guess it had always been the words I was unconsciously waiting for. It was more than I bargained for.

 

A kiss would have been my answer, but I was only courageous enough to wrap my arms around your waist.

 

"Of course."

 

 

 

 

"I love you."

 

It was as if I saw it happen in slow motion; I saw how your eyes widened before you spit your food all over our lunch table. I didn't wait for a reply. These are just words, and I didn't need them to confirm how you feel about me. But, I thought, as I pat you gently on the back and offer you a drink, that maybe I should have chosen a more proper time and place to blurt out my feelings for you.

 

But then this was you, and things always go unplanned. I was simply in love with the one vibrant color in a sea of dull hues and faked ones.

 

It was inevitable, Jongin, I have already fallen in love with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The departures of airplanes are loud, mixed with the noise of the voice speaking in the intercom, and the sea of people talking in the airport. The world has always been noisy, and I find myself tolerating it because there is nothing I can do about it. There is no changing this dull world.

 

"Yes, Mom, Kris won't be sending me off. I think that's far better for the both us."

 

My flight schedule and destination on the bulletin overhead blinks in green and I felt my heart falling all the way down to my toes.

 

"I'm about to board the plane."

 

I pull my satchel bag to my shoulder as I stand up.

 

"Are you sure about your decision? There will be no turning back after this, Kyungsoo..."

 

There is something else in my mother's voice, and I wasn't sure if it was gladness or regret.

 

"Yes, Mom. I've thought this over and over again. You know how long I've been waiting for this..."

 

London is just a few hours away. I've gotten this far. The dream my father had for me is just one flight away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't say that it's been a smooth ride for both us. We were in love, but we weren't supposed to be. Your parents knew about us, while I didn't even have the courage to speak of you in front of mine. I was afraid they will see the glimmer in my eyes as reflected by my chest filled with butterflies whenever I think about you.

 

I continued to love you, even if I didn't think that I should even have the time for it. I wanted to push you away, but at the same time, I wanted to have you all to myself. All these emotions battled inside me, but you were there to make sure I'm alright.

 

Day after day, I promised myself that I'll definitely inform my mother and father about you, about us. But days dragged on and all I was able to keep was breaking my very own promise until it became too late.

 

My father, who was kind and gentle despite how many people look up at him, who was well respected and loved by many people, who taught me so much about life and always tried to understand me, died from a car accident.

 

It was unbearable, the pain in my heart and the sight of seeing my delicate mother crying over our loss, but you were there by my side and held me when I broke down. You made it a little less painful.

 

It was after our loss that I realized how truly scary the world is. My delicate mother was stripped off her status in the family and I... was treated as a mere shadow of my late father. I didn't realize it until then that many people are as fake, if not more, that I am and the extent of how they fake themselves are to the extremes. I didn't know I was scary until I saw people who were like me. And I didn't like it one bit.

 

 

 

 

Although we didn't have financial problems like others who lose the head of their family, me and my mom struggled. The world has become a noise screaming in my head. But you were there the whole time, and I may not have said it during those times, but I had fallen deeper and deeper for you each passing day. The world is too loud and full of criticisms. But you were there like a bridge that temporarily makes my world silent and almost peaceful under the rain. You were my bridge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heave a sigh as I stop in front of the visa counter.

 

"If your father is around, he'd still be proud of you... You did everything you can. You've become the fine man he dreamed you of becoming. I, too, am proud of you, Kyungsoo-yah..."

 

"Thank you, Mom."

 

 

 

 

 

  

But like I said, it was only temporary.

 

You can only make my world peaceful for short periods of time. By the time you aren't there, everything goes back to how it was and how I am— a puppet. I knew that I couldn't continue to depend on you to temporarily make it seem like everything's okay. Nothing was ever okay. I had to continue to be the golden child that my relatives expect me to be; I had to be successful just like my father and mother to not ruin their reputation. I have become a puppet and a shadow.

 

 

 

 

Each passing day, my fear increases. Someday, I'll have to let go of you. I didn't want that to happen, it was given that a mere puppet cannot defy as the puppeteer wants. But if I don't want to continue being just a shadow of my father, I had to make a name for myself. But all that I can achieve if I am not by your side, clinging to you to continue to fake the things that were not okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before I met you, I was scared of what I will be when I become what I want to be. But after meeting you, and realizing the cost to be with you, I became scared of what I would not become and what I have to do for it to happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Let's live together."

 

You had that surprised look on your face, and it hurt me how excited and happy you are from what I said. It took all of my will to say the next words.

 

"Jongin, I... received a scholarship at Harvard University. By the end of winter—"

 

It was a farewell that was left unsaid. And you couldn't bear to hear what I had to say next, so you held me in your arms tightly as if you'll never let me go.

 

"I understand."

 

I remember the look on your face after you pulled away, and held my shoulders. You were smiling, but your hands were cold and your eyes were glimmering in unshed tears.

 

I realized that all those times, you weren't just staying my side. You were listening and understanding me. You must have seen this coming too, haven't you?

 

Jongin...

 

Jongin-ah, how long have you been hurting?

 

How long have you been staying by my side in fear of losing me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

We lived together for a few months, acting as if everything was fine, like there won't be goodbyes at the end of winter. And you were always smiling at me, holding me close at night. And I, on the other hand, act as if I don't hear you crying over the sound of the shower you turn on to muffle the sound you make. But I was always there, Jongin, crying behind the door because it hurts me even more that you were trying so hard to make it as less painful as you can.

 

But parting ways with you will always be painful. The millions of kisses and warm hugs we share will never make it less painful, but I try anyway. You didn't want to make any move, didn't want to deepen things between us, because you were scared I will be in pain when we part ways.

 

But how about you, Jongin? How about your heart that is in pain?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Jongin? Jongin!”

 

That time, I was so scared by the thought of you not being able to take the pain and deciding to leave on your own. I kept calling for your name countless times but there was no answer. And so when I found you at the terrace, I realized that maybe it had always been me who was stringing you along. I was the one adding more to the pain, making the thought of parting more difficult for the both of us.

 

“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong?”

 

And without a word, I wrapped my arms around your waist and buried my face in your chest to hide the look on my face. I couldn't let you see how weak I am at the thought of not having you by my side.

 

“I couldn’t find you... I thought I lost you.”

 

Your arms wrapped around me tightened a bit more, as if to confirm that you really were there.

 

 

“But, I was just here... I was watching the stars.”

 

I couldn't let go, I was scared of having the need to. Because the truth is that it had always been me who was scared of letting go, but I couldn't admit it to myself because I was the one leaving you behind. I was the one causing you pain.

 

 

 

 

“I have something for you," I said, unable to meet your gaze.

 

“What is it? It looks so cute!”

 

You must have noticed the redness of my eyes as I spoke. You were too quiet as you looked only at me. But I have become a coward at facing the future without you.

 

“It’s a thirteen-centimeter model of the Earth. Do you like it?”

 

I felt my smile wobble as I force myself to. But you smiled back anyway, wide but sad.

 

“Of course I do! It’s so tiny!”

 

"Now we'll just be thirteen centimeters apart from each other," is what I wanted to say. But who was I kidding? It won't just be the distance that will separate us. Soon, we'll be a whole world away from each other's hold.

 

I saw it in your eyes that time; your eyes were pleading the words you couldn't say and my heart cried, because I could hear them clearly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've lost count of how many times I changed my mind, only to change it back again to what I planned. This is for us, I told myself countless times over sleepless nights and lonely days. You held me close everyday, reminded me of how much you love me, and smiled for me, but I was still very scared. The future is uncertain and I was scared of taking the risk and lose you in the end.

 

 

 

 

...and so when it was time for me to leave...

 

 

 

 

“I’ll be on my way now.”

 

 

I was never good with goodbyes, and and I was scared that talking longer will only make me not want to leave.

 

 

 

“Do you have your lucky item for today?”

 

 

I wanted you to stop me, to tell me you don't want me to leave. But I couldn't find the voice to speak out loud what was running in my head.

 

 

 

 

“Oh, I forgot.”

 

 

Every step I took felt like a world farther from you.

 

 

 

“Do you want me to... look for it first?”

 

 

Your voice was gentle and shaky. I didn't turn around because I knew I wouldn't be able to bear the pain of seeing you breaking to pieces.

 

 

 

“It’s okay. You don’t need to. I can just buy another one at the airport.”

 

 

Tears were already clouding my eyes, and I wanted to turn around, hold you close around and never let go.

 

 

 

“I see.”

 

 

I was silently praying that you would stop me, but I knew that you won't. Because you knew me too much already, and you know what this sacrifice we're both willing to take is for us to be together in the end.

 

 

 

 

And so I took the handle of my suitcase from your hold and held on the knob.

 

 

“Take care.”

 

 

 

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

 

 

I will remember that voice,

 

 

The gentle way you held me,

 

 

Your sweet kisses,

 

 

And warm hugs,

 

 

 

“I will.”

 

 

I’ll miss you.

 

 

And the door behind me closed just as our hearts broke and tears spilled from our eyes.

 

 

I'll always love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You said that my dreams are too big for me, too out of reach. But you were wrong Jongin-ah, my dream has been to be by your side always and be able to love you freely.

 

I wanted things to be okay. I wanted us to be together, without having to hide how we feel for each other in front of others. I wanted to be able to love you as my true self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I endured seven long years living in a gray and noisy world. And through all those years, I continued to pray that you will be waiting for me. I hoped and prayed that you believe in me, in us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My clammy hands held tight onto the handle of my suitcase. The apartment had gotten bigger than the last time I remembered. The hard wall is now replaced with glass and I can see the snow falling outside. There now stands a big globe at the center of the living room that used to be small.

 

 

Everything seemed to have changed,

 

 

 

 

except one...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jongin-ah..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

And just like the first time I noticed you, you stood there vibrantly, as if spreading color to the gray world I've lived in. I couldn't look anywhere else.

 

 

 

 

"You're... back..."

 

 

 

 

Your hair had gotten shorter and your voice, much, much deeper than I remembered.

 

 

 

 

"Jongin-ah, I'm home."

 

 

 

 

My heart beats faster with every step you take closer to me. And my breath hitches when you stop a few feet away from me.

 

 

                                 

 

How was able to live that far from you for a long time?

 

 

 

 

I was right; you have always been worth the wait.

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry for making you wait this long..."

 

 

 

 

And it's at this time, that you prove to me something I didn't believe in; how silence can be a million times better than words. Because words are nothing compared to the warmth you bring to me as you hold me close.

 

 

 

 

I close my eyes as I wrap my arms around your waist. I didn't see it coming, but my heart made me feel it before I realized it. I was smiling.

 

 

 

 

I was smiling because finally, winters won't be too cold anymore.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I can tell you all of these things this winter, as we snuggle close to each other under your cotton blanket, over hot chocolates and the quiet rise and fall of our chest pressed together with our synchronized breathing.

 

 

 

 

Maybe at that time, once again, I'll whisper how much you mean the world to me. And I'll wait for you as you think of the cheesiest reply you can think of.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I'll tell you 'I love you so much' instead.

 

 

 

 

Maybe you'll blush and rub your nape as you tell me you love me more.

 

 

 

 

Maybe you'll kiss me on the lips instead. Maybe I'll kiss back and pull you closer.

 

 

 

 

Who knows what will happen?

 

 

 

There's no rush.

 

 

 

After all, we now have all the time in the world... together.

 

 

 

 

————————————————————————————————

 

 

Author's Note:

It's done! It's doooone!!! *rips papers and throws laptop out the window*

I've been busy with work, but I wanted a happy ending to this story and so I wrote one. *laughs* 

This fic is dedicated to everyone, and I hope you all like it!

Thank you so much for reading! I’m really glad you made it through that road of memory lane *sniffles*

I hope you’d tell me what you think. Constructive criticism is also much, much welcomed and appreciated! 

Special shoutout to the lovely Twinklexostan_Kpop  for helping me beta this story!! ^ v ^

Oh, oh, oh! And huge thanks to my dear Ansa for helping me name this fic!  You've always been such an angel to me. Ily bb ;w;

The title is actually based on Ed Sheeran's Lego House. Here's my favorite acoustic cover:

You can talk to me here:

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