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Jihoon likes working at the animal shelter even if they pay him really badly and he sometimes can barely pay anything other than his rent and has to live of off cup noodles most of the time.

But that´s fine, cause he likes noodles and salty broth even if they make his face, mostly his eyes puffy, but that´s fine really, cause Jihoon really really likes working at the animal shelter.

He likes the dogs, the old ones that enjoy lazy petting sessions on slow days when he has clean up duty and nothing else to do.

He likes the tiny dogs, the ugly ones, because they are full of bark but without the bite, which tended to scare his co worker Park Kyung so much that the older had peed his pants a bit before, as he had told Jihoon one drunk Saturday morning, breath full of beer and fingers greasy with oily fried chicken remnants.

The cats were Jihoon´s favorites though, they were lazy and maybe not as fun as the dogs, but they gave him plenty of affection back, swirling around his ankles like liquid fur in never ending infinity signs.

He had told Park Kyung during a different drunk morning or had it been night? that the cats were his favorite and the older man had snorted into his shot glass spilling the liquor on his tight skinny jeans, making Jihoon pour him another drink.

“What´s so funny?” He had asked back then and Park Kyung had emptied his shot before murmuring, eyes peeking over the glass´ edge, mouth crooked in a greasy, toothy smile and one eyebrow risen.

“It´s not the cat guy is it though?”

Jihoon had spluttered, hiding his face in his big hands and smearing some soju from his fingers on his forehead.

“Hyung, stop it, no.”

Park Kyung´s smile turned into a wide, eating grin, the one that had scared off the cute bartender with the lopsided name tag Lee Taeil, for which Kyung had the hots for since they had started coming here a year ago.

“Yeah yeh, you know hyung doesn´t judge. Just go talk to cat guy. Ask for his number, or name, so that we can stop calling him cat guy. You know? Maybe get some kissy kissy one on one action.” Kyung made smacking sounds with his lips tongue swiping out with shiny saliva.

Jihoon saw Lee Taeil making a swift turn on one foot face horrified, walking off to another direction with their new sets of drinks.

“Ewww hyung, stop it.”

 

 

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So ok, Jihoon admitted he mostly liked working at the animal shelter because cat guy was really cute.

He really, really liked the cats best because of cat guy too, and because the scruffy one had nipped Kyung hyung´s ankle last week which had made him jump funny, but mostly because of cat guy.

 

 

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As far as Jihoon had noticed, cat guy had started coming to the animal shelter a few months ago on a really rainy day, maybe earlier, but that was the first time Jihoon had noticed him really.

Cat guy always had a sad smile crooking his plush lips down at the edges and Jihoon guessed that cat guy only came on sad days, petting the kittens for a while before sloppily standing up and leaving the shelter, hands deeply hidden in his pockets after plugging some black earplugs in place.

 

 

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Sometimes cat guy didn´t come in for a week or two, sometimes he came in several times a week, which would be the best thing for Jihoon, making him the happiest, but also the saddest because cat guy only came in when he was sad right? And that thought alone and the sorrowful smile on the guy´s face made Jihoon´s eyes twitch dully. Maybe it would be better if cat guy would never come to the shelter again, because that meant he would be happy right?

 

 

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It was Friday a few minutes before closing up and Kyung was already in the back dressing into his street clothes while Jihoon was still keeping tight in the shelter. Cat guy had not been in for two whole weeks now and while Jihoon´s heart was aching for the man´s face, he was also happy because didn´t that mean that cat guy was off laughing a beautiful smile out there, having a good time with friends?  No sadly turned plush lips and no slumped wide shoulders that looked bony and broken under cat guys big over sized hoodies and jackets. Sometimes Jihoon swore that if all the empty space in cat guys clothes was filled up with hugs and jokes, then cat guy would be the happiest guy in the world. But Jihoon also swore that cat guy was probably the happiest guy in the entire universe when he wasn´t at the animal shelter.

Jihoon did not know if hoping  that the other would come back would be greedy but maybe being a bit greedy would not hurt he decided as he turned to lock up the door, rain dribbling outside, cat guy nowhere to be seen.

He sighed, his shirt feeling too tight around his chest.

 Jihoon missed him.

 

 

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The third week came and went and Jihoon had decided that it was nice that cat was not coming in to pet the cats, it was really, really nice. It was ok that whenever he heard the door jingle open, he hoped for cat guy to come in, tall frame slumped and lips unhappy. It was ok that it was never cat guy to come in anymore though, cause cat guy should stay outside the shelter, should stay happy.

He had told Kyung, slurring in the others ear while the smaller guy had tried to haul his weight into a taxi, had slurred that cat guy deserved to be happy. After that he had given Kyung a wobbly smile fumbling with his hands to get out of the taxi, emptying his stomachs content onto the side walk.

Fine Jihoon thought, maybe emptying his stomach would help him with emptying his heart. It would be nice if he could puke out his feelings. Wiping his mouth with the hem of his grey sweater he stumbled forward towards  Kyung, placing his head on the others shoulder. Jihoon thought that cat guy really, really, really deserved to be happy, but he wanted to be happy too. 

He wanted cat guy to come back.

Jihoon did not know when he had fallen for cat guy.

Maybe in between sad smiles and rainy days.

 

 

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Maybe, Jihoon thought, maybe this wasn´t love.

 Maybe he did not like cat guy´s sad but pretty slanted eyes. And maybe he did not think that the others hands looked really slender and soft, maybe it also wasn´t love when Jihoon wanted to puff out the empty spaces left from cat guys over sized clothing with his own arms. And maybe it was not love to feel his heart thrumming harshly, a sad beating song because he wanted to know how cat guys smile would look and how he smelled on rainy days and how his hair felt when it was not hidden by his jackets hood.

But Jihoon knew that he would never know, because cat guy was only ever coming on sad days and sad days meant no smile, just sadness and an undeniable feeling of longing in Jihoon´s chest.

Maybe this wasn´t love, but if this wasn´t, then Jihoon did not know what else it could be.

 

 

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At work, Jihoon´s happy smile was swapped out with a sad one and Jihoon thought that if his lower lips was much fuller and if he had more of a cupids bow then he could mirror that of cat guy.

 

 

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The fourth week ended with Jihoon scampering around the cats, his hand buried in the fur of the black fluffy one, giving it soft scratches behind its ear.

 Maybe touching the cats that cat guy had been touching would make him feel better.

He had stood up after a while, turning around to fetch the keys for the door to close up, feet catching on the ground soundly.

“Can I. Is it too late, like are you, are you closing up? I don´t really know your closing times and like can I still come in or.”

Jihoon´s heart was aching when he turned around, a feeling akin to nausea creeping up his throat.

He hadn´t heard the door jingle open, but cat guy was standing there, black hoodie soaked on his body, dripping everywhere where Jihoon´s feet had stepped on.

Sad smile on his lips, cat eyes rimmed with lashes that caught some of the rain droplets that weren´t stopped by his straight eyebrows.

Jihoon felt like throwing up.

It was the first time he had heard cat guy talk except for the rare whispers towards the cats that he could never make out clearly because he was always too far away. Jihoon had imagined it differently, the first time cat guy would talk to him, but in the end his little story had been a bit crooked from the start so Jihoon wasn´t even that shocked when instead of a cheery hello, he received a few stuttered out sentences, rough around the edges of a broken voice.

For someone who always knew what to say, Jihoon felt strangely like a broken record, one that would not play even if you wanted it to.

“I- , take your time.” Jihoon pressed out, turning around to hide away in the back.

If it was sick or sadness rising up his throat he didn´t know. He just wanted to get away from cat guy, even if he would love nothing more than to cling closer to him.

His lips were twitching, his eyes watering, an itchy pang at the back of his throat and he felt so bad that he was happy about cat guy´s misery.

Why could he only be happy when the other was down.

He started slipping down the wall, hitting the floor, tears seeping in his work shirts sleeve and hand fisted in his hair. He didn´t notice Kyung pulling him close and patting his back.

He also didn´t notice cat guy looking around the shelter, eyes dropping, sadly crooked like his lips when couldn´t find Jihoon loitering around.

 

 

 

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