"Hyung, hi. I bet you're surprised to see me, right? A cheeky smile spread on Hanbin's face. I'm a little surprised myself. Well, since it's iKON's debut soon, I've been asked to send a video message to a WINNER member, and I chose you. I don't know if other people will see this though, but I don't care anyway. I think there are some things that you should know, some things that I've never told you. I don't really know where to start, this feels so awkward. He laughed. But you deserve to know, so..
Do you remember that one time? It was a few weeks after Team A had become WINNER. I remember it clearly. That one night, I was suffering from depression. Again. It was around 2am and I was sitting in the studio. I remember that I had barely talked to anyone after the finale, I just wanted to be alone. My head had been full of thoughts about quitting, about just giving up. That night, I was about to do so. I wanted to just pack my bags and leave, not coming back. I didn't feel like there was a reason to keep going, you know. I felt really depressed that night, and I just wanted it to end. There was no reason for me to stay anyway. So I was sitting there, struggling with all the things that were going on in my head, when you suddenly came in. You sat down next to me, and for the first few minutes, there was silence. I didn't even look at you. But then you said something. I will never forget it. His smile got wider. Your first words were, "It's not the end." It felt like a bad movie moment and I honestly waited for you to crack a joke or something. But you sounded so serious when you continued, "The best comes last." The smile on his face got weaker when he suddenly lowered his head. For a while, he said nothing. He just sat there and stared at his fingers, crossed in his lap. Then he looked up again and let out a silent laugh, before he blinked. Once, twice. His eyes were shiny with tears. It wasn't much, but right at that moment, it gave so much strength. The best comes last. It felt like those words just erased all the bad thoughts in my head. You suddenly reminded me of the reason why I started all of this in the first place. And the longer I looked at you, the longer I looked at your face which was filled with exhaustion, the more I felt sorry.
You know that I was depressed really often. When I had one of those bad days, I was so busy with myself that I couldn't see your own struggle. Maybe I didn't want to. I selfishly told myself that you don't have a reason to feel burdened. In fact I was your biggest burden. You kept looking after me, though you had to practice. You kept asking how I was, not expecting me to do the same. You always brought me food when I was stuck in the studio at 4am, though you should have been home already, sleeping. You always put me first, me and the others. You cared about us more than you cared about yourself and you perfectly hid how you felt. When I realized this, I was so mad at myself. Hanbin quickly his eyes. I wish I could turn back the time to when I mistreated you. Knowing all the things I know now, I'd do things differently. Yes, I felt bad. I felt really bad and I was down, but it wasn't my intention to hurt you, and I think I did. Hyung.. I deeply apologize. Without hesitation, he got up from his chair and on his knees. Then he bowed down, his forehead resting on the back of his hands that were placed on the floor. He stayed like this for a long moment, before he slowly got up and sat down on the chair again, taking a deep breath, once again his eyes. Man, this is so weird. What's with all the crying? He laughed. I'm sorry. But what I actually want to say is that I'm so thankful for you. For all the things that you did and still do. You're one of the reasons why I'm here now. You didn't give up on me and thanks to that, I can now stand proud in front of everyone. And I hope that you're proud of me. You're a hyung that I cherish so much. You've always been by my side and I promise that I will change. The bad days are over, aren't they? He smiled. Hyung. Let's always run together, okay? Let's always have each other's back. I love you. Using his arms, Hanbin now formed a heart above his head and smiled widely, before he started to laugh and hid his face behind his hands for a second, then -finally- waving goodbye.

The screen turned black. It was completely silent in the studio, only the swivel chair creaked the moment Mino leaned back. Earlier today, a staff member had given him an USB flash drive, the one that was plugged into his MacBook right now. There had been no information about its content, so he didn't know what to expect when he decided to check it. Only his facial expression showed that this was definitely not what he thought he would find. Still staring at the black screen, Mino seemed to be lost in his thoughts. Hanbin's words echoed in his head. What he had said caused him to go through the described situations again. He remembered them cleary. He remembered how he felt back then and yes, he had often felt bad. But it was kind of shocking to hear how Hanbin felt about all of this. He must have thought about it a lot, it must have bothered him. Otherwise he wouldn't apologize, would he? It was true though. It hadn't been easy for Mino to cope with Hanbin back then. It's hard to get through to someone when they don't want you to, but he tried nonetheless. He put Hanbin first because he felt that this was the only way to help him to get through everything. And simply because he cared about this kid more than he cared about himself.
Mino's eyes got smaller. He closed the MacBook and got up. His feet led him out of the studio and down the hallway towards the practice rooms. iKON were still here, he knew that and besides that he could feel the bass of the music gently shaking the floor the closer he got. Who else would still be here, practicing at 3am, if not iKON? Mino, on the other hand, was still here because he was working on something, and he couldn't find the needed rest for that at the dorm. It felt so crowded these days, so he preferred to stay at the studio where he eventually forgot the time.
"Once again!" Hanbin's demanding voice cut through the sudden silence after Donghyuk had turned off the music. They both seemed to be trying to teach a choreography to the others who were sitting or lying on the floor, their arms and legs stretched out, not really willed to move anymore.
"Isn't it enough for today?", Bobby complained while putting a towel around his neck.
"We've been here for several hours already, do you want us to die or-"
He stopped talking the moment Mino appeared in the door. For a second, it seemed like he was trying to figure out if he was real or if he himself was just having hallucinations due to the lack of sleep, but when Chanwoo let out a surprised "Hyung!", Bobby seemed relieved that he wasn't going crazy and that it was really Mino who now walked into the room. Hanbin wasn't that fast with realizing what was going on, it took him a while before he finally turned around, now that everyone was staring at someone behind him. His lips also left a surprised "Hyung" when he saw the elder walking up to him, but honestly, it was nothing compared to the confusion that spread on his face the moment Mino pulled him into a hug, first a loose one, then a tight, without saying a word and without giving a warning. Mino especially noticed the extremely confused look on Bobby's face, but before the buck toothed rapper could say something, Yunhyung gave him a sign to stay quiet. There was obviously something going on and to avoid that everyone just kept staring at Mino and Hanbin, the second oldest got up and quietly instructed the others to get their stuff and to tidy up. He sometimes didn't seem like, but he had good senses and the others didn't call him the mother of the group for no reason. Now that they had something to do, it gave the impression that there was at least some privacy for the two rappers. Not that Mino needed that though. He didn't really care about them seeing this, it wasn't the first hug they witnessed. But of course they were confused because they didn't know the reason for it, and the fact that Mino hadn't said anything until now implied that he didn't hug Hanbin just because he felt like. No, this hug wasn't the kind of hug you gave someone just because. That's what the younger rapper was sure of as well. He still didn't know whether he should return the gesture or not, he just allowed himself to lean a little against Mino until he heard his deep and husky voice next to his ear.
"I saw it. The video message", Mino said quietly and lowered his eyelids. The grip he had on the younger body tightened again, as if he was afraid he could disappear if he allowed only the smallest inch to get between them. Thus he felt the relief flooding through Hanbin's body. Was ist relief? Yes, kind of. The younger rapper hadn't know what was going on until a few seconds ago, but now he did. Hanbin let out a laugh. The hug made sense now and everything was clear, so he had no problem to put his arms around Mino to finally return it.
"And I thought something serious was going on", he responded and enjoyed the warmth of the other body like he always did when they were close to each other, but when Mino continued, he paused.
"Isn't this serious? You've never talked to me about it and listening to what you had to say, I, for myself, think it is serious."
Hanbin loosened his grip and shot a glance at s. They were busy talking and running around here and there, not really paying attention to them anymore. He waited another few seconds to be sure that they weren't listening, then he turned his head to Mino who had also loosened his grip so that the younger boy could move.
"I didn't want to worry you."
"You didn't want to worry me? It sounded more like you didn't want anyone to interfere because it was easier to endure it instead of trying to solve it."
"Hyung.."
"No. You're right, Hanbin. There were days when it was really hard for me to deal with you. But I tried my best. I stayed up late for you when I was on the verge of a breakdown, I kept smiling though I was dying on the inside because yes, just like you realized, I had my own struggles, I still have. But it disappoints me that you didn't even consider talking to me. I mean, I just could have dropped you to focus on myself, but did I?"
Hanbin stayed quiet. He stared at the floor next to them, his body wrecked with tension. He hadn't expected this conversation to turn out like this, but maybe that's what he got for not talking to Mino back then. This was the payback.
"Hanbin.. I don't want to make you feel guilty. I'm actually really happy that you apologized and that I could help you, even if it was unknowingly. And yes, I am proud of you, of course I am. But I'm scared that those things from the past could repeat. I'm afraid that you won't talk to me when you feel bad. You're older now, maybe you got better at hiding it so that I won't know when you're down, plus that we can't see us that often anymore. I can't be around to take care of you, so I'm asking myself if you're okay every day. I'm living in the constant fear that I could.. lose you."
Hanbin turned away, causing Mino to withdraw his arms, but he kept talking.
"I don't want you to hold back just because you feel guilty for the things you did in the past."
The heads of the other members turned towards them. To bridge the distance to Hanbin, who had walked away from him a little, Mino had to raise his voice which caused everyone in the room to hear his words. Now silence set in. The atmosphere had clearly changed and the fact that Hanbin didn't respond made it somewhat unbearable. Bobby and the others exchanged looks, then he broke the silence.
"Yeeeeah, I think we'll leave now. We will uhm go to the dorm and order some food. You just come when you're ready here", he pointed at Hanbin and then nodded as if he wanted to give himself the OK.
"Just take your time and we'll see us later or tomorrow or whenever, hyung. Bye bye!"
A smile on his lips, he pushed the other members towards the door and out of the practice room and waved one last time, before he closed the door behind them. Mino sighed. Maybe he should have thought about his words or the timing more carefully before confronting Hanbin. Or maybe it would have been better if he just went home and forgot about the message. Either way, it was too late now.
"Okay", he said while running his fingers through his dark hair. He seemed lost, not really confident like he used to. This clearly had been a mistake.
"I'll leave now."
He turned around without looking at Hanbin again. It didn't make sense to stay, they couldn't seem to have a serious conversation. Well, at least they couldn't seem to have a conversation about this topic. Mino let one hand slight into his pocket, ready to grab his mobile phone so he could tell Seungyoon that he was on his way home, but the younger boy's voice held him back.
"I don't want you to think I'm weak. I don't want anyone to think that. And I don't want to be weak."
He turned around again to look at Hanbin. The boy had put his arms around his body, a protective posture. Mino could see his face in the mirror and the expression on it. Was it fear, was it pain? He didn't really know, but whatever it was, it made his heart ache.
"I don't think you're weak", he softly answered, but Hanbin shrugged his shoulders.
"But I am. I can't even talk to you. I always just run away from things. And maybe you're right, maybe I'm just enduring all the that was and is still going on because it's easier. Maybe I fear it too much to be willed to confront myself with it. I seem strong most of the time, because I'm a leader, but maybe I'm just playing a role. Maybe it's all just a lie."
Hanbin looked over his shoulder, a smile on his lips, but it was a dead smile. Emotionless. It was scary. For a while, they kept staring at each other without saying a word, but then another sigh parted Mino's lips and set his body in motion.
"You're talking such nonsense, it's ridiculous", he grumbled while walking up to the other one. When he reached him, he grabbed Hanbin's arms to pull them open, wrapping his fingers around his wrists. The boy tried to get away, but he held him close and fixed his gaze on him.
"Listen closely as I'm going to say this only once. You are not weak. If you were, do you think you'd be here? Do you think you'd be the leader of iKON? Do you think the others would have come this far if you were weak? Do you, in all honesty, think that I'd be here? What is wrong with you? Since when do you think of yourself so badly?"
His voice reflected his lack of understanding and at the same time, he sounded angry.
"And don't try to tell me that I don't know what it feels like because I do. Before I ended up here, before I got the chance to finally debut and to finally do what I want to do, my life was a complete mess. You know that. You know how often I failed, how often I just did things wrong, made the wrong decisions and suffered from them. If there's one person out there who knows that we ourselves are our worst enemies, then it's me. But it's your choice if you let the enemy inside of you win. It's your choice."
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Suddenly he felt so exhausted, his knees got weaker so he squatted down. Mino looked up at his fingers which where still wrapped around Hanbin's wrists, he looked at them carefully, but then, with a smile on his lips, he loosened them just to let them slide down to softly grab Hanbin's fingers. He could feel the short resistance, but the longer he held them, the tighter the younger boy's grip got. It was still hard to read Hanbin's face, but this gesture showed Mino that he didn't fail completely. He now looked at the other, still smiling.
"I'm good at bringing us into situations like this, aren't I? You know that I'm bad at thinking before I talk, and that my temper likes to get in my way. I'm sorry if I was being too hard on you."
"It's okay. Maybe I am the one being too hard on others, especially myself", Hanbin finally raised his voice again. It took a load off Mino's shoulders and let his smile got wider.
"Well, maybe it's just the puberty", he couldn't stop himself from commenting though, which caused the younger to kick him in the shin.
"Hyung!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Laughing, Mino got up again. It was weird that he started to feel at ease when he had felt anything but good just a few moments ago, but he did. It was due to Hanbin whose face had clearly brightened up. The younger still held his fingers and seemed much more relaxed now. He knew that the older rapper was right with what he had said, he knew that being weak was a choice, and he knew that he didn't want to make it. Sometimes he just tended to forget about it, but then Mino was there to remind him again.
"I'm such a kid sometimes, aren't I?", he asked the elder who nodded.
"Yes, you are, but it's okay. Please just promise me that you won't ever doubt yourself like this again. You know, I'm not the youngest anymore. I don't know how long I'll still be able to do this."
Hanbin couldn't help but laugh, it shook his body and flooded it with a warm feeling. To Mino, it felt like seeing the sunrise. Smiling he watched the boy, before he pulled him into a hug and held him close to his chest, noticing the other one's arms around his waist with a satisfied smile.
"You know that I'm always there for you, Hanbin."
"I do."
"And you know that I'm always gonna have your back."
"I do."
"Because you're the most important thing I have in my life."
Hanbin just smiled, his head leaned against Mino's shoulder. Yes, he knew, of course he did. He didn't need to say it though, all he needed to do was to snuggle into his arms. It was enough for Mino to understand.
On the wall, the clock ticked 4am.