[ C H O I   J U N H O N G ]

your eyes, emblazoned with a future radiating brilliance  

He did not believe in soulmates.

So imagine his surprise when bold, black cursive decorated his wrist when the clock struck twelve on October 15^th, when his friends were celebrating and clinking drinks all around him, when effervescent laughter resonated throughout the crowded room, and he was standing alone in the balcony clutching his adorned wrist with wide, disbelieving eyes.

                “G-G-Guys…!”

He whipped back and announced his discovery, and everyone mirrored his stupefied expression before he was swarmed with exclaimed felicitations. Hands slapped on his back, a bellow of “I told you he’s a late bloomer!” rang in his ears and his heart failed to cease from its rapid beating. He was jostled left and right, and he almost lost his footing more than five times, but he was letting out chuckles and later loud laughter as he shared their enthusiasm.

They asked him who was the lucky person, and that was when the dancing stopped. His smile faded into a neutral line, and only then did he realize he didn’t bother checking, as the mere fact of him sharing an entwined bond with someone specifically meant for him was already astounding enough.

However, all signs of mirth left his eyes as they zeroed in on the fated name.         

.

You did not believe in soulmates.

Or at least, that was what Junhong thought as he kept his head down, preferring to stare uselessly at his ordered drink. Or anywhere else that would keep him away from your cynical gaze.

It had been years since he had seen you, and it wasn’t as if the both of you bothered to keep in contact anyway. It was just mutually understood that you were to be burned as an old memory in the back of his mind, and the same went for you. Nevertheless, Junhong didn’t think the lack of communication over the years would prompt such tense air between you two, with how you had your arms crossed with an aloof look, and he was left clamming up and shifting in his seat nervously.

Well, how was he supposed to behave in the presence of his high school ex-girlfriend?

                “Junhong,” you began.

His body involuntarily snapped into attention, his back ramrod straight as he squeaked out a “Yes!!” and cringed inwardly at the awkward pitch.

                “Well, uhm,” you cleared your throat, choosing not to comment at his octave tone, “first of all, what a surprise. I…certainly didn’t expect to get a message from you, and to meet up here, nonetheless.” Your eyes roamed across the busy diner, merely spectating.

You did not look nostalgic.

                “Second…” you muttered, and you turned to peer straight into Junhong’s expectant eyes, your eyebrow quirking.

                “…you’re saying I’m your soulmate?”

Should he feel anxious at how apathetic you sounded?

Unable to get his vocal chords to function, his head bobbed up and down in a stiff nod. His eyes didn’t stray away, even when you narrowed your eyes further in incredulity. It was apparent how much he was imploring you to heed his declaration a while ago and believe him. You were not easily deterred, though.

But the uncomfortable, choking silence was becoming too much for you, and hence why you backed off first. Leaning into your seat comfortably, you reached for your drink and took a casual sip, aware that you were under his scrutiny. His eyebrows were furrowed as he concentrated the best he could to detect any changes on your visage. He was looking for a reaction.  

Well, he could stare at you all day long for all you cared. It would have been nice to receive such attention back when you were dating him.

But it wasn’t like you gave much from your end either.

.

The male remembered scoffing at his high school friends who claimed they had found their partners, proudly and annoyingly that Junhong would get up from his seat soundlessly and leave the classroom for peace and quiet, not missing the teasing and light mocking following behind from the same “fatefully infatuated” people.

It wasn’t like he was envious that they had found their soulmates and he was left out of the conversation when the topic arose, but he found it hard to believe that love was truly written in the stars. He wasn’t completely skeptical either, for who was he to question how love worked?

                “But for a name to magically appear on your wrist? Absurd.”

He heard you murmur as you took the can of drink from the vending machine, turning around only to bump into his transfixed figure. You tensed up when you realized you spoke out loud, and was about to excuse yourself hastily, and he quickly snapped out of it to mutter with that soft voice of his,

                “I…I agree.”

You looked up to his abashed visage, surprise evident on your face before it melted into carefree relief, and you offered him your name with a smile.

The instant chemistry formed between you two was probably nowhere near as enchanting as their destined encounters, but Junhong knew he felt something as he introduced himself to you.

                “People are ridiculous, right? Why do we need to depend on fate when we can attain love by ourselves?”

And as his relationship with you grew, he fully grasped the fact that he was never bothered by his bare wrist, and he had you to prove that.

But now that it held your name, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

.

As two realist individuals, you both held on to the belief that couples weren’t preordained, and that also meant believing that love was achieved through trial and error. The ignited spark within you might fade tomorrow if not fuelled substantially, and you might find yourself looking at your current partner in a neutral light one day. And that was exactly what happened to the two of you.

It was you who ended it, saying how it didn’t feel the same. It was the cliché “We should see other people”, which was pretty ironic seeing how most people didn’t date freely, opting to wait for their respective soulmates.

He knew remaining in a dying relationship was useless, but he couldn’t help but feel a pang of hurt as you shrugged it off with pursed lips. Nevertheless, he commended you for having the guts to end things before it got any worse. It was a clean break, and the two of you promised to remain as casual friends after thanking each other for the time spent together.

(His friends told him not to think too much of it and just move on. At least he knew now you two weren’t for each other. And although he agreed because it was the truth, he told himself it was irrational to want to punch them for saying so.)

(Because even though his spark faded, you meant something to him.)

However, naturally as time progressed and both of you were more focused on studies as high school seniors, it was inevitable that you would drift apart. Less hellos were exchanged, you both slowly ceased to find each other’s faces in the hallways, up until the point where you brushed shoulders without acknowledging one another. And you both were fine with that.

It was just not meant to be.

.

So why was he given this fate? Was this karma for losing faith in whatever love deity’s up there watching over him? No, he didn’t lose anything when there was no faith to begin with.

And he could tell you had the same question in mind.

Both of you were practically strangers now, and here he was trying to dig himself out from your buried memories. This was scary for him too; this urge to immediately seek you out when he found out that tingling sensation when he first met you was more valid than he thought. It was confounding to think how he firmly believed in the absence of soulmates for so long, but just the mere sight of proof imprinted on his skin changed his worldview instantly, almost like it was magic.

And he desperately wanted you to see that as well.

                “Please believe me, I’m not lying,” he whispered gently, flustered but urging you to see his tattooed wrist. It was only returned with a frustrated sigh.

                “Junhong, even if it’s there, I can’t see it. Only you can see the name of your soulmate.”

He pulled back, a bit too quickly, and looked down shamefully.

                “O-Oh…”

                “Honestly, I can’t believe this. You were so against the idea of soulmates, now you’re telling me you’re just like those people?”

                “You don’t understand,” he shook his head. “I-It’s real. I can’t explain it in words, but—“

                “Let me guess, it feels extraordinary? Enchanting? Magical?”

He didn’t understand how you could make such words sound bad.

                “Look, assuming that I really am, somehow, your soulmate—“ you gave him a pointed look when he opened his mouth to refute, “—what do you hope to gain from this meeting?”

His answer was immediate.

                “I don’t know.”

                “Huh?”

Realizing how dumb he sounded, his head sagged into his shoulders as he covered his face with both hands, groaning with displeasure.

                “I’m sorry, give me a moment to recollect myself…”

You took note of his collapsed state on the table amusedly, letting out a chortle.

                “You haven’t changed much since high school, have you…”

Junhong cracked an eye open in between his fingers to peer questioningly at you. Your indifferent mask seemed to fracture a little, judging by the tiny quirk of your lips. He felt slightly relieved, but he was aware he needed more than just a smile.

                “What do you mean?” He said, voice muffled.

                “You were always so shy, even when we were dating.” You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, and he wondered why the small action became much more prominent now.

.

He took in a deep breath.

                “Please, hear me out.

I know, I have no right to suddenly appear in your life and claim something that we both think is preposterous, and I’m being irrational like them to act so impulsively without an actual plan…”

                “…But?”

                “…But, despite that, here I am. Trying to convince you that we are meant to be. That we weren’t a mistake. We didn’t know any better back in high school, but… look. This is proof that you and I belong together…”

                “Junhong, how can that be proof when I don’t have your name—“

                “I’m—! I’m not asking to be together with you, well, I would like to, b-but not without your consent!! I-I just, I want to tell you that you’re my soulmate and… just for you to… perhaps acknowledge this fate that has been bestowed to me…?” his meek voice trailed off in a questioning tone, indicating how uneasy he truly felt.

Your eyes softened at how Junhong was struggling to get words out properly in the most honest way possible.

                “This is all confusing to me, because I know you don’t view me the same as back then, and I should be feeling the same, but I can’t ignore the way my heart skipped a beat when I knew it’s you, it’s you all along, and I asked myself why it didn’t work out because we’re supposed to resonate in the same wavelength…

so please,

...respond to my feelings.”

He bowed his head down formally with his hands in his lap, and you reeled back in surprise.

                “H-hey, lift your head, d-don’t be like this—“

                “I don’t know what to do. I just want to see you.”  

                “J-Junhong, I… agh, damn it.”

He heard a thump, and he looked up to see your face buried in your hands like he did previously, and your shoulders shook. Immediately alarmed, he straightened his back and reached his trembling arms out towards you, nervously sputtering incoherent phrases.

He froze when his fingers were a hair’s breadth away from your figure, eyes widening at the soft sob escaping your lips as you apologized.

                “W-what for…?”

                “I’ve been acting condescending towards you this whole time, when in actuality,

I am the liar.”

.

                “I don’t understand…”

                “Junhong, I-I have actually… believed in soulmates… long before you did.”

The roles seemed to have reversed on the table, where you were looking everywhere but him, and he was just staring at you, quiet and in shock.

                “When?”

                “The name appeared on my wrist during senior year… when we were still together.”

                “Then why didn’t you say anything about it?”

You shook your head sadly, your voice pained.

                “Junhong…

don’t you get it?

...It’s not you.”

Only then did he realize he had gotten up in his attempt to comfort you, and with that one statement, his legs gave out and he fell into his seat, utterly baffled.

“We should see other people.”

“Only you can see the name of your soulmate.”

“Let me guess, it feels extraordinary? Enchanting? Magical?”

“Junhong, how can that be proof when I don’t have your name—“

You knew. You knew all along what was it like to have a specially tailored name on your skin, you experienced what he felt years ago—

                “I’m sorry. You are mine, but I am not yours.”

You learned he wasn’t your destined partner during your time with him, and found it pointless to continue what seemed to be a doomed relationship. Whatever sparks flying gradually died down because you knew you weren’t going to end up with him,

without knowing he would come back to you.

                “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I thought I could make you give up on me by choosing not to believe you, even though I know you’re not that kind of person, in fact, you’re the most honest person I know, but that didn’t stop me from looking past your sincere words…”

                “But… this can’t be. How can you not have my name when I have yours…?”

You didn’t say anything, but the pity shone in your eyes, and he felt his heart punctured.

Choi Junhong was an error in the system.

seem to hold a little bit of sadness

happy angsty birthday ray