How could I begin this story - If this is the right term to use for it?
I could start using the usual phrase like “Once upon a time” or I could make it short and be concise to arrive straight to the main point of everything, but I think it’s better to start from the very beginning. When we’re too young to understand what’s the real meaning of life, too young to believe that certain toy, in that stand inside that particular shop, is really necessary for our mere lives.
Yes, I think I will start from that point, because there’s a story which deserved to be told and it should start from the beginning.

I was six years old then, I was a normal little girl, my family was a normal one that could provide a piece of bread thanks to average works, my passions were the classic passion of a six years old girl, I loved dolls, I loved to use my mother’s make up when she wasn’t at home and then cry because of that damn mascara that sticked inside my eyes; At that age I was sure it was the worst pain I could feel. I loved when my parents allowed me to run and play in the immense lawn not caring to dirt my clothes due to the grass or to the soil.
After my sixth birthday we moved in another city, another region And truly speaking from the point of view a little girl we could say it was a whole new world; if until few time ago I was used to run in big lawns and to live in a small town with more of less 100 people, now my feet were touching the hot asphalt of Seoul, the capital.
My sister - Oh what a silly girl, I didn’t introduce my older sister while talking about my so-modest and average family, her name is Seohyun, she is seven years older than me and today, she is a woman with several degrees and often around the world to search new adventures “which could make a bit crazier her life”, I can say she’s a guide to follow.
Seohyun loved immediately Seoul’s environment and lifestyle, when she was a child she was really open minded and always ready to learn something new, everyone in family acknowledged that the country life wouldn’t fit to her at all.
Instead, from my point of view, there isn’t much to say; being sociable was never been the main characteristic of my attitude, the few friends I could make back then weren’t that close to cry over, moreover at that age a  toy or other distractions were enough to let me forget something sad.

Until now I envy the infant’s carelessness, a child is a perfect creature,
unblemished from the world’s brutality,
unaware and unconcerned of the wickedness hidden in the lowest and remote angle of human kind.

I started junior school after few days of my arriving in the city and it been a really traumatic experience since the first day, when I understood that I’d have to separate from the embrace of my father to go near a unknown girl, who spread every kind of feelings except for the desire to be friend of a country girl.
I cried a lot during first days, even If i knew all my schedule, I felt abandoned every time I had to leave the hand of my parent.
My classmates often made fun of me and after a month I wasn’t able to make new friends, actually there was an episode that I’d stupidly define my first friendship in Seoul.
My desk mate was called the little princess of the class after a few days, indeed she looked like the human portrayal of a porcelain doll –you know, that kind of dolls you can find in some antique store, the breathtaking type - she had long black hair that would fell on her back, her face was a pretty oval face shape and it framed perfectly her pink lips and her big eyes; she often played with another little girl, beautiful as well. First time that they asked me to play with them I was shocked, The beautiful princes was inviting the ugly duckling to her dance party.
Since I was a child I didn’t think anything bad, I was just happy because for the first time after weeks someone talked to me and it wasn’t to have fun of my custom or for my aspect.
The princess, her name was Kim Hye-Jin, gave me a doll saying to me all the bad things happened during my absence and what was needed to save that piece of plastic; days went on and I was mostly sure that I’ve found my first friend in Seoul; Hyejin seemed to be a nice and sweet girl, she didn’t care if her seat was near the ugly duckling of the class and she always said that it wasn’t a big deal if i broke some of her toys due to my poor delicacy, she accepted me anyway, or I thought that.
I was shattered even if I was young, I just wanted a friend, I never asked for anything else.
I didn’t change my seat, I was still next to my no-more friend until she decided to change her seat by herself, leaving me more lonely that I already was.

Here he came.

I was on my place and as always I was alone searching for the best shade of yellow to color the sun on my draw, I was totally into that little piece of art that I didn’t perceived that someone was watching me, I just noticed it when a crayon fell from my desk and while turning my head to the ground I saw two little feet wrapped up by cute black sneakers. Scared to the idea of being bullied again, I lifted my head, but I saw a new face, or I thought so.
The child was concentrated to look trough my drawing, he was so serious and his eyes were widely opened and lively so I wrinkled my nose and I decided to ignore him like a survival instinct. Shortly after he might pull out my drawing from my hands screaming to the class how horrible was and he might ask me if that thing was a dog or a person; but he didn’t, he stood there for a few minutes with his arms at his sides without saying a single word or without commenting what I was doing, and with a big surprise, he just moved away going back to his seat at the bottom of the classroom.
I never saw him before, even if he was in my classroom, he didn’t look like a loquacious boy and he looked so lonely, like me.

Days passed and I realized how both of us would pass our days sitting on our place, without talking nor making new friends; my teachers called my parents often to ask to them why I was that shy, they said to my parents that I wasn’t able to integrate my persona in the class and this would let my grades decrease, but I didn’t really care about it, I was fine with myself than being with someone who found funny kidding me.
That child never came back again near my seat, I didn’t meet his eyes again and if I didn’t see him that day, maybe I wouldn’t never found out about his existence. If you think about, we were both lonely inside those four walls and compared to our classmates we were small and weak, like small ant sand everyone knows that those type of animals need to be in group to survive.

I approached to his desk, holding in my hands an exercise book where I would often drawn during the no lesson hours, I was afraid and I didn’t know what I’d expect; it was been a long time since I talked to a classmate and I didn’t know what should I say to start a conversation. As I did the first time, he didn’t lifted his head at my arrive as well, he was so into a book found in our classroom’s shelf and his eyes didn’t seem to want to leave those colored pages.
I cleared my throat to attract his attention and when his face turned to meet mine I couldn’t help but smile, he had short and messy dark brown haired; even if he was skinny he had cute full cheeks - You know, those kind of cheeks that you want to sting. He didn’t say anything but he moved his chair a little bit to give way to another chair next to him, so I took that chance and I sat down next to that taciturn classmate and I started to draw silently

We didn’t talk a lot, he said his name was Min Yoon Gi and he actually was a year older than me, but due to family problems he had to begin junior high since the beginning again.
Our usual silent never made me feel uncomfortable, it was nice to stay with someone that wouldn’t let your head be full of hundred of questions, someone that would accept you lack of knowledge about things I could never see in my old town, someone who caress you head letting you to stop crying after your classmates.
I stopped to feel lonely, because I knew that there was someone by my side able to understand my feelings, I was aware that I could always count on him, as he knew that he could count of me every time, we weren’t alone anymore.

Years go on fast with Yoon Gi by my side, our friendship grown stronger and with our strength to defend each other from anyone who consider us different; we passed most of our days together trying to know each other better, and we would try alternately the things that one of us loved, our family had the chance to meet up and we were able to stay up until late to play while our parents talked about “adult things” that we couldn’t listen. How many times he held my hand taking me to his bedroom to let me see his favorite books or just to stay on his bed and talk until one of us would keep himself to Morfeo’s embrace.
Sometimes he went far away for weeks warning me to not cry if our classmates would bullied me, he would threat me pinching my hips if he heard from someone that just a tear fell from my eyes; that’s why I always waited his return without crying, ignoring others and, when he was back, he would open his arms for me, despite his tiredness, he would let me cry wetting his t shirt with my tears. Fundamentally, he never let me being alone, he stayed always by my side even when we were kilometers of distance calling me by cellphone or sending me postcards, I remember his handwriting, I really loved it then, even if it was a bit messed up. I was sure that growing up his handwriting would be the most beautiful one that my eyes have ever seen.
We were essential to each other, we were our own pillars which avoided our fall; without him I wouldn’t understand the value of friendship, maybe I could define him my oxygen, without him I wouldn’t be the girl that I am today.
Unfortunately things changed and our last day of junior high was even that last day that I could sit next to Yoon Gi, in fact his parents decided for him that the best thing to do was letting him do a supplementary exam to recover the lost year and attend the school with children of his same age. We didn’t want to separate, we were not ready to deal with something new by our self.
I believed, that despite our separation, our friendship were destined to last, I was sure that we would never separate for real, but I knew that things weren’t going to be the same, we would meet new people, we wouldn’t help each other during classes and even our daily routine together would be changed.

How would you define middle school period? three years of transitions and transformations; everything of our persona would change, it is twisted, destroyed and then rebuilt, Three years where our child mind enters in contact with the mind of an adult, we grow, we suffer and we love.
Thousand of conflicting feelings fill up our heart and our head, we often cry without a real reason, although nothing concrete happened, tears simply are coming out making even more confused.
We are marginalized, we make new friends, we break up other’s one, first loves and we touched for the first time the ground of a new world, adult’s one. They tell us to be more serious and to focus on everything we do. We learn that if we don’t follow fashion or popular people we will be cut from the world, we will be left behind.
This is how I define middle school years , the worst three years of a child, more accurately my worst three years.

A new class and new people to confront, new teachers who still didn’t know my character; everything would be started all over again, I would start from zero and it was frighting me to death. Although we started different classes we decided to stay at same school building, because we really didn’t want to separate to each other., if we stayed in the same walls   we would be able to meet up between lessons. We were settled quickly, I stayed next to Yoon Gi until I heard my name called by the teacher and I was obliged to leave his side and walk through my new classmates.
Going inside that classroom without seeing Yoon Gi at the bottom of class, it was like going back to my first day of Junior high when for the first time I understood how much I was out of place

Don’t define it as an obsession or a weakness, I could compare his importance as a lighthouse for a ship; the vast ocean and practically unexplored was like my life back then. A more terrifying thing than the ocean is the dark night which makes that smooth stretch of water gloomier and after months of journey, when you see a bream of light you finally realize that you’re safe, so you can rejoice thanks to the lighthouse which means that it’s possible to walk on a safer ground again.

Before starting middle school we promised to each other that we would work hard to integrate in our new class and we would make everything just to keep in touch, because both of us knew that we shouldn’t be scared of people around us, we always had to be stronger than them.
This promise allowed me to talk first to my desk mate, I asked her if she wanted to become my friend – this question is still making me laugh, I was so silly back then-.
After my question my peer looked at me confused and amused at the same time, then she smiled at me and stretched her hand to greet. She told me that her name was Lee Hye Rin and she was glad that I made the first move. Her hair was short until her shoulder and raven-black, she used to wear a cute ribbon to make a nice hairstyle which makes her look even more childish. She was wearing braces and sometimes she used glasses to take notes during lessons.

Unlike me, Hye Rin was a solar girl, she loved to meet new people, to help them and to have fun. In fact, thanks to her personality I was able to participate to some class matters and although I wasn’t properly integrated in my class, I was able to talk to my classmates without any fear of their judgement; sometimes they made fun of me due to my naivety or due to my low grades at school, but it didn’t block me to keep the promise I made to Yoon Gi. During our walk inside a park, he told me that he found someone to talk to and he sent the application form to take part of the basketball club of the school. I was too much excited while he was talking about the many kind of activities he would be able to do that he affected me as well and looked like that I was the one who was going to take part of the club. It was really rare to see him very euphoric about something, before he often preferred to stay at home to read some book or to write his thoughts, he never let his feelings control him, that’s why I supported his decision, telling him that I would go to every match even if I was obliged to skip classes.
Without any doubts he made it and he entered in the basketball team and in a short time he was known as one of the best player of the team; unlike from his usual attitude, when he went inside the field he pulled out all of his charisma and his grit. I was entranced by his change, he looked like a lion on that field; he was fast and elegant, but at the same time he was wild and fearful; the team was in perfect harmony. They looked like they were dancing. It was thrilling to see their lively eyes, to hear the noise of their shoes rubbing on the floor and to see their wet bodies at the end of the match after they showed to others their diligence.
As I promised I went to watch every match supporting him and his team in every way, sometimes I used to wait him near the bench with a bottle of fresh water and a towel in my hands. At the end of the match his eyes were always seeking to me and when they met mine a wide smile would appear on his face. He ran towards me and after he dried up himself he would kiss my forehead, thanked me for giving him support also this time and he told me that if I wasn’t there he wouldn’t be able to do anything, I knew his skills aren’t like that due to my presence but knowing that I was important to him, it made me the happiest person in the world.My presence during the match or being near to other players on the bleachers became like a habit like being a part of the team and sometimes they invited me to their dinner even if I wasn’t an official member.

If Yoon Gi was able to to find something that made his days full and happy, I was able to do that too. Hye Rin invited me often to do shopping with her friends or to meet up in a library to see new books; sometimes we stopped in a cafe on the principal road of Hongdae and we would pass our times chatting and drinking hot drinks, we sat near the cafe’s windows and Hye Rin would comment every guy saying what were the attractive things he had or what she would like to do with him and if sometimes she would asks me my opinion, sometimes she teased me and told me that regardless of my words, she knew that my eyes would see nobody but Yoon Gi. Maybe it was true, but I didn’t know what was the real meaning of Hye Rin’s words.
Yoon Gi and I were essential for each other and this was for sure, but none of use ever thought that the birth of this certainty would be the prelude of a feeling stronger than a normal friendship.

Nothing changed in our friendly relation, Yoon Gi and I found different ways to stay together and we could talk about everything; like when we were children, I often passed the afternoons in his bedroom, we talked about everything that would come in our mind and I found Yoon Gi’s hands caressing my hair really relaxing. When we were still junior high student he told me to never cut my hair, he said he loved to stay hours touching them; so since that moment I decided to keep them long and every time I would rested my head on his lap he’d caress them saying how good I was with long haircut and how happy he was that I followed his desire.

But, you know, nice things aren't destined to go on, 
nothing can be so amazing if the time would last too long.
We Human being are inclined to get bored often of everything that make us feel good,
we always want something more.

During the half period of my second year of middle school, Yoon Gi left again for another family trip, but this time it took longer than normal one. I rarely asked to my friend what was the reason of his trip, his answers were always a simple shrug or he changed topic putting my question in the oblivion; I was sad to not knowing a part –maybe the most important one- of his life, but at the same time I accepted his choice so I stopped to ask him about it and I was always waiting for his return.
During his absence we continued to stay in touch through calls or messages, as our usual routine; sometimes I received at home his letters with photos or a postcard alleged, other times we stayed up until late night to talk about silly things or about our troubles. Yoon Gi asked me if there was something that troubled me and when my voice started to tremble or my words were cut by my cry, he always told me to listen his voice and to stop, because he was right there and he always would be.
First weeks At first our chats were daily and our cellphones didn’t stop to vibrate. Everything was perfect and unchanged, I couldn’t ask for anything more, expect for the real Yoon Gi in front of my eyes.Our change was gradual and devastating; first I didn’t receive anymore his daily call or his number was often out of reach, he called me twice a week saying that he was sorry but he couldn’t be too long at the phone. His answers to my messages were shorter, concise, without feelings and he stopped to write that he missed me, he just avoided to write me sweet things which I really needed to read.

We came to the point that we talked rarely, his voice looked always annoyed to answer me, sometimes he cut the call saying he was too busy to listen to me and times when I was the one who was finding excuses to turn off the call; I locked myself in my room trying to not cry, thinking if I should hit him or ask him why he was like that. I couldn’t stand to stay at the phone with him in that state, he wasn’t the same person and it was harder that I thought to admit.
There wasn’t any replies to my messages which I asked him when he was thinking to come back and finally when I saw him in front of the school his gaze on me was just for a few seconds before he turned his shoulders and moved away from me. He was totally changed, his hair was really short and his eyes didn’t had the light that I loved anymore.
At first I tried to greet him asking why he cut his hair or why his face was so serious; I about everything came in my mind but to his eyes I was like a fly, an annoying bug.

Hye Rin invited me often to her house trying to comfort me and reassure me as Yoon Gi did in the past, but this didn’t help me at all, I was grateful to her so I often faked a smile to relax her and to let her smile as well, but I was slowly dying. All my certainties, my feelings, my bases were collapsing, I don’t know how I was able to stand even if I was loosing my pillar.
Yoon Gi changed and I wasn’t the only one who noticed it, in fact his basketball team came to me searching for answers since they knew that I was the closest person to their friend, but after all I couldn’t fulfill their curiosity; thanks to them I knew that he even left the team saying that it was just a waste of time and a distraction.
That guy couldn’t be the same person like one year earlier, the one who could talk about every single feeling that he felt on every match; he wasn’t the same person who kissed my forehead saying thank you because I went to watch his match.I tried to talk to him many times I organized meetings where there was just the two of us thanks to a team’s guy, but he just pretended that I didn’t exist, sometimes he told me he’s too busy to play with me. Last time he decided to close our friendship, he told me that I had to grown up and to stop holding hands whenever we felt lost if we weren’t side by side. He told me to stop searching for him and to try talking to him because from his point of view there wasn’t anything to discuss, he understood that pretending to be a babysitter of an annoying girl wouldn’t let him grow. He said that because of me he couldn’t find a girlfriend and at least he told me to forget everything and to think that he never existed.

Human being is an imperfect creature always searching for perfection.
He’s never satisfied, selfish, he will always search for more. He would do anything just to have what he wants.

I passed horrible months and even if I tried to convince myself saying I was fine, I knew that it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t able to approach him or to talk. I couldn’t go to his house and he wouldn’t let me enter. . He wouldn’t touch my long hair saying how nice they were, I couldn’t talk to him about my problems being cuddled by his soft and warm voice.
They say that a girl could cut her hair to change her life or to begin a new one, maybe that’s why I cut my hair, I made it very short just to go against Yoon Gi’s wish, short until my ears to convince myself that I moved on. I cut them just to go against Yoon Gi’s desire. I took everything that would reminded me of him closing them in my garage.

Probably nothing would be back as before, I should have listen to Yoon Gi, I should have grown up, I should have forget everything we did together, I should have erased in my mind the only person able to change my mood with just a phrase. In a few words I should have erased in my mind the most important things happened in my life because life had to go on and even if people said that we should go on keeping in our heart nice memories. I couldn’t even imagine a life without Yoon Gi, so I decided to forget everything and to think that I never met him before.
My life started again around silly girly things, such as shopping, beauty care; I decided to leave my body and my mind to Hye Rin to change me in a cute and fashionable girl. Maybe someday I would also say to Yoon Gi that it was his fault that I couldn’t find a boy earlier, even if the reality was that I never searched for another man while having Yoon Gi by my side, ‘cause he was enough fo me. 
Last year of Middle school was the first year without the help, the company and the friendship of Yoon Gi. I often watched him from afar, he started to go out with some friends and inside of me I was really glad to not see him holding hands with another girl.
I heard from others that he rarely went out from his house, he started to go out with some older guys in some undergrounds pub or in other dangerous places. He was reserved and generally he would avoid to stay around his classmates; everything he worked out because of our promise was destroyed in few time.
His face looked more tired and his eyes were encircle by dark circles, inside of me a voice kept telling me to run to him to avoid his fall, bit I knew well that it would just make things worst. There was a few months left to the end of school, I just had to resist until then and be strong.

The main problem came when I heard that Yoon Gi fainted during his class; careless, I let fall all my walls and I ran to the infirmary to see if he was ok, to understand why he fainted and, yes, because I had the desperate need to meet him again.
The infirmary was empty, the windows were opened and the wind moved the white curtain, everything was white and clear that it seemed like to enter in another place, differently from our school. The nurse was absent and I could hear the light breathe of a guy to my right that was lying in the little bed.
I approached to Yoon Gi trembling a bit, I was afraid to wake him up and be thrown out the room, I didn’t want to disturb him and I wanted to take advantage of his sleeping state to stay with him a little bit faking that nothing happened between us. Living illusions was wrong, but seeing him in that bed made me feel the need to protect him.
His face was really slim that I almost got scared, his chubby cheeks that made me laugh the first time were disappeared and his dark circle were really dark. His skin was paler than usual and he looked so weak that I was afraid to brake him touching his face.
I laid my hand on his head, caressing his skin, his hair was so short that itched my fingers, but I didn’t care because after months I felt the desperate need to do skinship with Yoon Gi. His breathe was regular, he was sleeping deeply, it was relaxing seeing his chest moving and stay in a quite room, it was relaxing to see his chest moving and to hear the silence of the room. Finally we were alone, I left all my worries away, I laid my head on the bed next ti his and squeezed his hand, I closed my eyes concentrating myself on his breathing.  Deep inside I was afraid to fell asleep because I was worried that when I would wake up he could be gone, but I started to think about our memories until Yoon Gi’s breathe became just a light sound and I deeply fell asleep.

I woke up due to the movement of the mattress under my head, sitting in front of me there was Yoon Gi wearing his shoes. I rubbed my eyes silently and then I stretched my arms to touch the edges of his t-shirt, he stopped from what he was doing, he snorted just before he returned to wear his shoes. 
I wanted to ask him why he was that slim, how it was happened everything and why he decided to end our friendship. this question had to be confirmed by his words, because deep inside I still knew that it was impossible for him to think what he said that day. I hoped for it.
Hope dies last, that’s why inside of me there was a mere possibility to have back my old Yoon Gi. Although I had to say many things, I didn’t tell him nothing. He moved towards the the door silently to exit and to start again that agonizing “game”.
I wanted to stop him but my voice was blocked in my troath, I deeply breathed and before he could pull the door’s grip  I asked him to repeat that he couldn’t tolerate me, to look at me straight to my eyes and tell me that he didn’t suffer these months. 
He shrugged his shoulders like always especially when he wanted to avoid a topic, he pulled the grip of the door to go out and to leave me alone, again. My arms wrapped his waist and my head laid  behind his back, he was so slim that his t-shirt was too big for him. I kept repeating that phrase letting all my unshed tears in all these months wet his shirt, like old days. I clearly felt his body stiffen after my touch and his breathe freeze and then return after a few seconds. He told me to not make things even more difficult  and I couldn’t understand,  why should we make things worst when we could easily live our lives happily as we always did? What did let him stop our relationship saying that phrase? I moved my arms and I walked in front of the door, I wanted to understand and if I had let it go at that moment I wouldn’t have had another chance.

Those words are still ringing clearly in my mind and I think I won’t never be able to forget them.
“____, I’m dying” I still can feel the sound of Yoon Gi’s voice, it was trembling, he forced himself to cry in front of me, he wanted to show me that he was strong.

You know that feeling when you hear unexpectable news, unbelievable ones. For example, could you ever believe someone that would tell you the we don’t come from primates? Obviously you couldn’t without a concrete proof or you would think to a funny joke.
Fine, in that moment those words entered in my brain and they kept repeating itself again and again; I had thousand questions that I couldn’t ask because I was scared about confirmations, I was afraid to know that he really was going to leave me and this time without having the chance to talk again. 
My face looked unmistakably shocked and he repeated that phrase to let me understand that there were nothing false, he told me he had a cancer. He was always the first to need help and I couldn’t do anything for all those years, I have been thinking just about my problems, I wondered why the word “cancer” would come out from the lips of a young and pure boy. 
What horrible crime he must have done to deserve an early death, why it had to be him?
I didn’t care what he could do if I hugged him strongly, I didn’t care if he would pushed me away, I would have fight to stay by his side. For years he was the real sword that had protected from everything but during the time that I could be the one who could protect him, instead, I listened to his words and I surrounded quitting our friendship; at that moment i understood that the only one who had made mistakes, letting it go, was none other than me. I really never fought to last our friendship, I just dropped out everything, because I was scared to suffer too much. Inside of me I thought about all those months that we never could be able to have back again, to all those feelings that probably we could understand and talk about earlier. 
I pulled him through the bed and I helped him to sit on that soft mattress where we were sleeping a few minutes before, it wasn’t difficult because his weight was drastically decreased and even his strength wasn’t enough to stop me. He sat holding his hands and his eyes looking on the ground; he didn’t have the guts to look at me and me neither because deep inside I still couldn’t understand those words and I was waiting even just a word that could help me to understand that it was all an horrible joke.
I sat next to him starting to swing my legs, I asked to him to tell me everything, I asked if he traveled to find a cure since the beginning and why he decided to let him out of this matter. 
He confirmed that since the beginning those travels were continual comings and going to hospital and private clinic, but he knew about his disease just when he was attending his second year of middle school, he always thought it was just a normal rutin because of his weak body and when he asked why he had to do all those surgery no one had the guts to answer him. 
He explained how painful were the firsts chemotherapies, they seemes to burn every inch of his body, how he could feel every single drop of that liquid enter in his veins. Because of the strong treatment he had he would often fell asleep and in his dreams I was always the main character.

In the beginning he couldn’t bear to puke often and too weak to stand up to drink a glass of water. He felt as a slave of that disease which couldn’t be fought with his own strength. After some time he learned how to live finding it a habit on his morning sickness or during the those times when he had to take different types of pills to let him deal the day as a “normal” person; when he was younger he couldn’t understand why there were all those pills in his bedroom and why his parents would have more attention to him than to his older brother. 

He said to me that when he started junior high he felt immediately out of place in front of those children that looked more powerful of him; he wanted to play and jump like them, but his parents told him thousand times that because his energy was given by medicines he couldn’t play that much. Then he found other kind of hobbies such as looking at different books with a lot of colored drawings.

He explained that when he saw me for the first time I was with Kim Hye-Jin and he couldn’t understand why I kept staying with her although she spread bad things about me; I smiled thinking that he already saw me when I didn’t even know about his existence in my class. 
The day when he approached to me for the first time he wanted to talk to me, but he couldn’t be able to open his mouth, he wanted to ask me if he could sit next to me. He didn’t want to see another child alone like him and since the very beginning he couldn’t cancel me from his mind. When nothing came out from his mouth, he preferred to leave just to avoid to being seen as a strange person and he thanked every god existing when I decided to approach to his desk to be his friend.
Every moment of our lives together was both interpreted too differently, what I felt in that exact moment had completely another approach for Yoon Gi. I cursed myself while he was telling his story because I understood that I was always been just a selfish person; all those years I was sure that both us were protecting each other, but fundamentally he protected me and he fought his own fear and disease by himself. 
When we were separated due to the sorting of the classes he would like to take my arm begging me to stay by his side because he couldn’t do it without me and he wanted to hold me even when he entered in his new class the first day, it was a big battle for him to talk to others. 
He touched my hair asking me if I cut them because of him and when I nodded he smiled softly saying sorry for the way he tried to end our relationship and for the pain he caused to me, he didn’t want to leave his emotions and he didn’t want that his problems would enters in contact with me.
He told me that I was too important and pure to let me ruin by a weak guy as him. I wanted to scold him and hit him, but I just sighed shaking my head, it shouldn’t be like that, if he has told me before, then everything would be totally different.

Yoon Gi’s cancer had relapsed so he had to be under surgery more than twice and every time those surgery were longer and more difficult and even if he couldn’t perceive the time pass by he felt bad for his family who was waiting outside the door unknown on what was going on inside the room.

The period when he was able to enter in the team of basketball was one of the best one of his entire life, during those days doctors said to him that the cancer seemed gone and his values where almost normal. That’s why he gave everything on that court, he was able to let out the child that until that moment was forced to stay inside of him. He was happy and he was even happier seeing the person more important of his live being present on his important matches. 
I was his strength, his energy and his half capable to do things the he couldn’t do, he felt stronger knowing that he had won his own battle. 

“But we know that there is calm before a storm” his voice was really low and weak and his hands were squeezing his pants. For the first time in his life he was talking about his feelings and he was doing this in front of the last person he wanted to involve in his problems.
I held his hands between mine and I waited silently to hear the continue, I wanted to cry and scream, but that wasn’t the right moment, this time I had to had to keep all of my emotions deep inside of me, protecting and supporting Yoon Gi.
His disease came back infecting other parts of his body, that made him weaker. He was forced to travel again to search for a clinic able to take care of him. He knew what he was going through, the pain that he would feel again because of the therapies and the possibility of another surgery. 
He told me that he cried a lot the night before his departure, he locked himself in his bedroom saying that he needed to sleep, but actually he stayed up all night crying. He was scared and he couldn’t tell anyone about it. That night he wanted to escape and leave everything behind him, because after years of pain and after that false hope he was on the ground again, defenseless and weak. He wanted to give up to the disease, he couldn’t stand all those pills anymore, he couldn’t stand the hospital’s smell and he wanted to die every time, his body was full of stabs or those hundred times when he was so weak that he was forced to move with a wheelchair; but after all those thoughts he thought about my face and he understood that it wasn’t the right choice, he had to continue to fight his weakness to stay by my side protecting me, as he always done. 

He fought by himself, even if his family was always right there,
he knew that the fight against the cancer was something that just a sick person could understand.

I tried to understand his feelings, but I knew that I was far miles away, I couldn’t understand the pain that he felt everyday of his life. 
I thought that even our morning routine was completely different, I wake up complaining and saying that I rather prefer to die than going somewhere, while he fought every morning his pain to stand up and to force his body to bear the pain and do everything that was possible, he didn’t want to let anything behind.
He said to me that after meeting me he understood that he wanted to enjoy his life and he wanted to enjoy every second with me, he would have done everything just to keep in his mind happy moments. 
I felt a stupid, since I was a child I cried and felt lonely because of other people, I let other protect me over stupid children of my same age, when there were other people, like Yoon Gi, who had to protect them self from more important matters. 
The phrases that he told me back then was just a lie and he wanted to kill himself because he made the only person, that let him feel special and stronger, cry . 
He didn’t have the guts to look into my eyes, meeting me knowing the he couldn’t be by my side forever and he didn’t want to let me know these things because he didn’t want to let me suffer or he was afraid that I might decide to break up every kind of relationship with him, so he preferred to cut everything by himself thinking that it was the best thing for both of us. 
The day that he saw me again in front of the school after more than a month he ignored me because he wanted to run towards me, hug me saying that he missed me so much. He had to quit basketball’s club due to his weakness and more days went on, more his body was weak and it was really hard to stand by just his own strength. 

I held his face in my hands lifting up and for the first time after long I could see his eyes again. God, My heart suffered seeing his tears wetting his face, it was the first time I saw Yoon Gi crying and it was unbearable. 
I his skin and I dried his tears with my fingers, I smiled slightly and then I kissed him. His lips were dry but really soft. They trembled a bit under mine, but after few second he held my face with his big hands pushing his lips on mine in a desperate kiss, desired and waited for such a long time.

We didn’t want to separate again, I didn’t care to know how much time left to stay together, to listen the beat of his heart in my ears when I was laying my head on his chest or listen to his breathe on my neck during our long hugs. This time we wouldn’t let escape the reality of our feelings, we were essential for each other and we were together again, but this time as lovers, back then and forever.

A night I received a call from him and I jumped from the bed, I was so scared and worried, I thought something happened and when I replied with a high pitched and scared voice, I heard from the other part a soft and low voice smiling a bit; he asked me if it was possible to go to his house to stay together. I sighed to his request scolding him because of the late night call, but I couldn’t refuse, I could never say no to Yoon Gi, especially when he requested my presence. 

That night we made love. He said to me that he didn’t want to wait anymore, he wanted to show me that he loved me even in that way. We didn’t feel ashamed of our bodies, our skin crashed and loved all night. His hands touched and caressed every inch of my body; he thanked me more than once because I was entered in his life, because I saved him from himself, because I made him stronger and I said I was thankful for his protection and for being always by my side supporting me putting his own life aside. 
We became even more adult, together, feeling for the first time the sensation of . Something that dirty, full of passionate and intimate.
We fell asleep holding each other, and we squeezed our bodies together afraid that something would separate us. 
He said to me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me as soon as possible so that even when he died and his soul left his body I would still be his. I smiled saying that I loved him too, that I was already his and I always will be. I said to him that for our wedding I would find the best dress to let him be proud of his girlfriend, but I knew that he really didn’t care about that. 

That night Yoon Gi let him go, his soul left his body while we were sleeping. 
When I woke up the next morning his body was colder, but he had a soft smile on his face. 
I cried, I asked for help and I shacked his body without be able to believe it. Since that moment I avoided to think that this would be real.
He knew that he was going to die that night, he knew that he would finished his battle against the cancer and this is why he called me asking to make love for the first time. 
He wanted to stay by my side until his last breathe, he didn’t want that even a second would separate us.

I’m sitting here, he is front of me, his body is lying down on white rose petals, he has a black suit and he is encircle by wood walls. His face for the first time in his life is relaxed and without any worries; tears can’t stop to wet my face and my heart hurts like hell, it seems it is going to stop for the pain; I miss him and I always miss him for the rest of my life. 
I still can’t stand the idea that I won’t be able to touch, cuddle him anymore; I can’t imagine my days without him by my side; but for us I need to accept his death; I need to be happy because he is in peace after all the pain that tortured his weak body.
 Probably in the future I will be able to make a family and to love another man, but the feeling I had, I have and I will always have for Yoon Gi will never die. I know that he will protect me and he will stay by my side forever, because he promised. 


Thank you Yoon Gi to have taught me something even after your death. 
Thank you to let me understand the meaning of life.