Dear Luhan hyung,

I am writing to you for the first time since you left. How long has it been? A year? A year and a half? I don’t quite remember anymore. All I can perfectly remember was your scent, how your hands had always felt so soft and delicate and how you would smile like nothing can ever make you feel miserable.

I hate you for leaving. I hate that you got sick. I hate that you get to go home. I hate that you get to enjoy your life. I hate that you got away. But I can’t blame you for qll of those. I wanted to leave, too, sometimes. In fact, everyone does. Everyone’s desperate to take a break.

But so far we’ve been doing well with the schedules. Although the first few months had been really tough; we had to change the group’s line-up. Kyungsoo hyung does double time so he can replace you during performances aside from filming for his dramas and it took a toll on him. It was really hard to witness and I can only imagine how hard it was to bear for him. Tao had been crying, as always. You know, Tao had never stopped crying ever since Kris hyung left. But without you, the whole dorm doesn’t feel quite right anymore. Maybe Tao felt it, too. Maybe he was too sad that’s why he can’t stay anymore. But I can’t blame him. I can’t blame anyone as much as I want to. I can’t blame you or Kris hyung or Tao because that would make me a hypocrite.

Junmyeon hyung isn’t particularly happy with the turn of events, as you obviously know. But sometimes, he asks me about you. In fact, he asks about you a lot these days. How’s your health hyung? How’s Beijing? Is it still vibrant and buzzing? How’s your family? Are you still having trouble sleeping at night? Do you still drink those sleeping pills that you used to carry around? Are you happy? Do you, by any chance, think about me? I hope you do.

When you left, I started to think deeply about things; like how you said you’d stay with me up until the end. Kris hyung said the same thing to Taozi. But now he’s gone, you’re gone. I’m so mad at you for breaking that promise. Because that promise was the only thing I hold on to, it was the only thing that I had to keep me from falling apart. But now, you’re a few miles away, you’ve got your time in your hands and you probably have none for a sad problematic kid like me. You ruined yourself, hyung. Everyone’s saying things and throwing rocks at you. You could’ve stayed; we could’ve done something about whatever it is that’s troubling you. But you packed your bags and left. You told me you don’t like being left behind, and you don’t like forfeiting. So what happened?

Tao hung out with me a lot after you left, probably because he sensed I was too sad without you. Tao’s really tolerant, you know? I know he gets really antsy when all he hears are Korean conversations around the house. Yixing hyung’s filming in China so Tao feels lonely. But we are all lonely, right? Sometimes I get this homesick feeling. Sometimes I hate the food Kyungsoo hyung cooks. Because it doesn’t taste at all like Mom’s food. Sometimes I just wanna be on my own and curl up in my bed. Tao says he feels like that, too.

Things with Tao got a little bit difficult with the company. Taozi was so convinced by his father. It’s understandable, really. Parents only want what’s best for their children. Tao flew to LA, manager hyung tried contacting him. Tao told us he needed time off. We were too tired, hyung.

Looking at you at the television screen, I feel so jealous. You told us you were sick, hyung. You were so sick you had to leave. But why do I see you talking about how you don’t want to be an idol in the next life on television shows? How is it that you get to smile without guilt in your eyes whenever you look straight at the camera and your eyes bore through mine? I have so many things to say that a pen and paper won’t be enough.

I hate the fact that you left fresh wounds when you decided you wanted to go home. And I loathe the fact that instead of letting us off with Kris hyung's departure, to let us mend the wounds for it to heal, you sprinkled it with salt. It’s like a hard slap in the face. It’s like that one time when I told you giving up is cowardice, and it’s an  a s s h o l e  thing to do and you punched me in the face. I can’t look you in the eyes right now, ge. I don’t want to hear you singing our songs whenever I put the radio on. But at the same time I seek it, I long for it, and I’m torn between wanting nothing about you and everything about you.

You should’ve told me right from the start that your promise won’t take forever. You should’ve told me when we met that this is only for temporary, so that I may not have gotten myself too attached, too drunk and too pathetic on you. You should’ve told me that you won’t care for me as much as you said you would, so that I won’t expect too much.

We were so alike, hyung. We used to be a great team. Remember those times when you were teaching me rubiks and you’d just laugh because I  s u c k  at it? Or that one time when you were teaching me Chinese words and I told Yifan hyung all about it but he just laughed at me because apparently, you taught me nasty Chinese curses? Or that one time you got insomnia again and we just stared at the bright building lights of Beijing from our hotel room until morning? It’s those hard times that turned out to be good memories. I wish it stayed like that. That even though exhaustion overcame us, the van quiet with all the members sleeping, you would slip your hands in mine and lay your head on my shoulder. It gave me the reassurance that I wasn’t going solo flight. You were there, hyung. Always waiting for me. But I guess even the most patient people have their own limits.

I’m sorry, sometimes I’m childish. Like right now. I’m probably laying out my heart and thoughts on the table immaturely but this is just how I am. I’m sorry I’m not worthy enough for you to wait an eternity for. I’m sorry for all those times we fought and I’d say things. I’m sorry I would always give you the cold shoulder when you won’t pay attention. I know it’s just that you miss home. You missed home a lot didn’t you? It would’ve been very selfish of me if I rid you of the chance of going home.  

I miss you, hyung. Are you happy?

I hope you are. I hope you’re sleeping well again. I hope you’re keeping in touch with Yifan and Taozi. I hope you’re eating well. I hope you’re smiling again. I hope you’re building new dreams. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me yet. I hope you still wonder about me.

Let’s grow more and be better people and then maybe by then we can meet again. Until then, take care, Lu-ge.

Missing you a lot,

Oh Sehun

When I was writing this, I was thinking, What would Sehun write to Luhan if he was given a chance? 

I thought it would be so Sehun if he wrote a very long and whiny one. Heh. I do miss Hunhan that's why I wrote this.  :(