3

Four years later the three of them graduated with flying colors.

Yongguk was accepted as an intern for a well known architecture company and Himchan became a music teacher at a local art school. For Yongnam, he continued to pursue his passion for music and started touring around the country with his band. He’d become famous over the years, sharing music interest with producers and even got scouted for debuting as a Korean pop idol but he declined and remained with his band.

Himchan and Yongnam moved in together in a new apartment and Yongguk stayed with his parents. By now he was used to being alone. Yongnam was no longer dragging him around to meet new people. No more standing beside his brother and smiling shyly. Things had certainly changed when they grew into adults. Yongguk had dated a few girls and boys—he’d confessed to Yongnam and Himchan about him being biual on their second year when a boy named Youngjae asked him out— back in university but none of the relationships lasted that long. The longest was only for three months. Yongguk really did like the people he dated but nothing seemed to work between them. He guessed he couldn’t connect that well with someone he only knew for a short time. Or maybe he was too fastidious about having a certain kind partner by his side.

-

“I knew you would be here,” Himchan said as he stood beside Yongguk who was staring up at his favourite piece of art in the museum.

Yongguk had a habit of visiting the museum just to look at the old paintings and ponder over things. It helped him calm his mind and forget about his stressful days at work. Apparently being an intern for an architecture company wasn’t an easy thing to do. He had to run dozens of errands and help his supervisors in designing new products every single week. Sometimes he didn’t even get to return home. His mother was worried that he was overworking himself but after four years of staying up at the studio working on his models (even sleeping under the table with only a cutting of a box acting as a makeshift bed), Yongguk was quite confident that he wouldn’t pass out even if he were to not sleep for three days.

“I thought Yongnam’s returning from his tour today?” Yongguk tore his gaze away from the painting of a man and woman embracing each other to look at Himchan.

“He received a last minute notice from his agency and they decided to hold a concert at the next city.” Himchan hummed, his hands tucked inside the pockets of his black coat. “It’s been over a month now. I just hope he’d come back next week.”

“I miss him.” Yongguk said, in which Himchan had replied with a slow nod. “Are you doing okay?”

Himchan looked at Yongguk and raised his eyebrows.

“Well, this one student was quite obnoxious but after I made him stand at the corner of the classroom and sing the alphabetic song backwards he promised that he would behave.”

Both of them chuckled at the same time. Himchan kept the smile on his lips as he studied Yongguk’s features. He then reached out a hand and moved a few strands of Yongguk’s hair from his eyes.

“Your hair has gotten longer. I thought you were planning on cutting it.”

Yongguk stared at Himchan silently, letting the man fuss over his messy hair. He liked it when Himchan nag at him. He always tried his best to take care of him after finding out that Yongguk was going through hell at work. Sometimes he cooked for Yongguk and brought the food over at his house, visiting his parents at the same time. Other times when Yongguk had to stay back at the company, Himchan would make his appearance and provide him with lunch box. Yongguk had told him that he had his own mother to cook for him but Himchan insisted on cooking for him because he had this obsession to cook after watching Master Chef on TV. Yongnam wasn’t around that much to taste his cooking so he figured that it was a good idea to make Yongguk his test subject. It was fortunate that Himchan could cook decent food or else Yongguk would have suffered from food poisoning.

“Do you want me to cut it for you?”

Yongguk blinked and looked at Himchan. The latter quirked an eyebrow, waiting for him to answer his question. His fingers were now tucked back inside his pockets. Yongguk felt the warmth leaving his head at the absence of Himchan’s touch.

“Are you sure you won’t cut off my eyelashes?” Yongguk smirked at him. He noticed that he’d become playful now that he was older. He figured that it was a great change for him since he used to be quite monotonous when it came to his personality.

Himchan punched him in the shoulder and pouted. “It’s not that hard. I can always learn from Youtube.”

They went back to Himchan and Yongnam’s apartment after Himchan convinced Yongguk that he could cut his hair for him. Yongguk wasn’t really persuaded by his friend’s words but he didn’t want to listen to him babble about how easy it was to learn to do things through the Internet so he opted to following Himchan back to his car and let him drive him to his apartment.

Unlocking the front door with a password Yongguk hadn’t had the chance to peek at, Himchan pushed the door open and welcomed him inside. Yongguk entered the apartment slowly, eyeing the interior with pure awe. He’d visited the couple on their first week of moving here before. The apartment used to lack furniture and decorations but now that Himchan and Yongnam had lived here for over three months, there was a wide plasma TV perched on the wall and a set of sofa in a shape of L sitting in the middle of the living room. Two of Yongnam’s guitars were displayed beside a wide window that overlooked the city. There were also a few boxes stacked on top of each other at the corner. Yongguk figured that they were Yongnam’s.

“Yongnam hasn’t been able to unpack his things properly.” Himchan told Yongguk when he saw the latter staring at the boxes. “He’s always out with the band.”

“Don’t you get lonely?” Yongguk turned his head towards Himchan who was making coffee in the kitchen. He noticed that there were more utensils now.

Himchan hummed and stopped stirring his coffee, his back facing Yongguk. He then shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, still not looking at his friend.

“He loves his career. I can’t really stop him from touring around the country.”

Yongguk sensed the tension growing in the atmosphere so he walked to the living room and sat down on the sofa. Soon enough, Himchan came to join him and served him a cup of coffee. Silence ensued as the two of them sipped on their drinks. Yongguk kept his eyes on Yongnam’s first guitar that their father had gifted him on their 18^th birthday.

He remembered the day Yongnam received the guitar. His twin brother had been so happy that he’d dragged Himchan and Yongguk to their band’s practice room and started playing it until midnight. The neighbors were angry for the ruckus they caused and in the end their mother had scolded them and threatened to confiscate Yongnam’s guitar.

That day also marked the moment Yongnam realized that he had deep passion for music. It was starting that day that his twin practiced every day and night to become better so that he could form his own band and produce his own music.

Now, when all three of them had grown into adults, it was hard to believe that Yongnam had managed to become a star. Yongguk was happy for him but he wouldn’t lie that sometimes he felt like it was harder to reach his brother now—he was so high up in the sky. Yongnam had become so busy that he rarely came back home to spend his time with his family. The same went for Himchan. Yongguk felt sorry for his friend that he didn’t get to spend his time with his boyfriend that much now that he was always touring around the world.

Yongguk could see that Himchan was feeling lonely these days. He would often drown himself in a momentary daze, eyes staring at nothing in particular. Whenever his phone rang, his face would instantly light up with excitement, lips curled up into a wide smile but then would only falter when he found out that the person on the other line wasn’t Yongnam, instead a friend from work.

Yongguk couldn’t really blame Yongnam for making Himchan feel lonely because Himchan was the one who encouraged Yongnam to pursue his career. Yongnam was happy that Himchan supported him in everything he did but sometimes Yongguk wanted to beat the hell out of his brother’s head so that he could use his own eyes to see that his boyfriend was upset that he wasn’t making time to be with him.

When Yongnam called, Himchan would always put up a smile and told him that everything was okay. As always, Himchan was too nice because that was how he was. He didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. It was frustrating to see him act like nothing was wrong with his relationship.

“So what kind of hairstyle do you want?” Himchan asked as he grabbed a magazine from the table and handed it to Yongguk.

Yongguk leafed through the magazine with a rather blasé manner. He wasn’t really thinking of cutting his hair shorter but since Himchan always nagged about keeping his appearance smart, Yongguk had no other choice but to listen to him.  

“I don’t know. How bout you choose for me?” he shrugged.

“Are you sure?” Himchan seemed to lighten up slightly at the suggestion. At least the gloomy atmosphere was gone, Yongguk told himself.

“Surprise me?” Yongguk raised his eyebrows.

Himchan chuckled and dragged a chair from the dining table before he placed it in front of the wide window.

“I’ll go get the scissors and mirror.”

When Himchan left the living room, Yongguk took this chance to wander around the apartment, hands in his pockets. He spotted a set of Polaroid photos lying beneath the magazines stacked upon each other on the coffee table. He lifted the magazines and stared at the photos. They were photos from their college days. Some of them were photos of the three of them and a few were of Himchan and Yongnam, their faces close to each other as they smiled at the camera. Yongguk grinned as he reminisced the old days.

“Sit down now,” Himchan ordered when he came out from his room with a pair of scissors, a plastic comb, and a face mirror.

Yongguk did as he was told. He slumped down on the chair and let Himchan drape a plastic cover over his body.

“Hmm, maybe I should give you a military cut, huh? You always kept it that way back in college.” Himchan muttered as he ruffled at Yongguk’s hair.

“Nah, I think I’ll keep my fringe. Just don’t make them too short?” Yongguk tried turning back to face Himchan but the latter kept his head in place, clucking his tongue in distaste.

“I thought you wanted me to choose,” Himchan said.

“I change my mind,” Yongguk shook his head slightly, chuckling to himself.

“Alright, alright.” Himchan sighed in defeat. “Just stay still or you’ll go bald.” Before Himchan could grab the scissors, his phone rang. “Just a sec,” he told Yongguk and went to grab his phone. “Hello?”

Yongguk kicked at the carpeted floor lightly, whistling to himself as he stared out the window.

“Nammie?”

Yongguk froze for a second before he craned his neck to look back. Himchan had a wide smile on his face. He looked truly happy that Yongnam called him.

“When are you coming back?” Himchan asked eagerly.

Yongguk could see through Himchan that he was already planning to cook a grand meal for Yongnam when he returned. Maybe he would cook that Japchae he’d recently mastered after several failed tries with Yongguk. And then he would make Yongnam’s all time favourite (which was also Yongguk’s), Jjampong.

It was amusing to watch Himchan pacing around frivolously.

Just then Himchan stopped in his tracks and his lips slowly stretched into a tight line. He went silent as he listened carefully to what Yongnam told him on the phone. Yongguk frowned at what he saw.    

“Oh,” was what Himchan said after the long silence. He then nodded and hummed a few times before he hung up. When he realized that Yongguk was looking at him, he put up a faint smile and tried shrugging off the disappointment on his face. “Let’s get your hair cut.”

Yongguk turned back to face the window. He could feel Himchan standing behind him, combing his hair slowly. He was no longer talkative compared to a minute ago. The air was once again filled with tension and maddening silence.

“Yongnam’s not coming back?” Yongguk decided to ask.

“Yeah,” Himchan replied solemnly. He stopped combing at Yongguk’s hair. “He won’t be back until next month.”

Yongguk nodded and chewed on his bottom lip. He waited for Himchan to continue what he was doing but he only stood still, hand resting on Yongguk’s shoulder. Yongguk could feel that Himchan wasn’t in the mood to do anything.

Without really realizing what he was doing, Yongguk held onto the hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze in order to comfort Himchan. They stayed that way for a while, both staring out the window.

There was nothing to say. Yongguk couldn’t find the words that could make Himchan feel better and he hated that. No matter how old he grew, he would never be able to form the right words with his own lips.

-

It was a surprise that Yongnam called Yongguk early in the morning.

Yongguk hadn’t expected his brother to contact him on random days. He was having breakfast when his phone rang and with confusion clouding his mind at the sight of anonymous number—Yongnam had once again changed his number because he kept losing his phone— Yongguk had answered the call with much reluctance.

Turned out Yongnam had returned to Korea that morning. He’d been missing Yongguk so they decided to meet up at their secret hideout—a place that had managed to secure a special spot in Yongguk’s heart. It was the lake behind their old school.

“Haven’t seen you for like eons,” Yongguk told his brother when the latter sat down next to him in front of the lake.

“Sorry for that. I’ve been meaning to return as fast as I could but things got hectic,” Yongnam really did look sorry so Yongguk accepted his apology.

When he looked at his twin, he noticed that his face had become older now. It was weird because it had only been two months that Yongnam was away but it felt like he’d left for years. Or maybe because Yongguk hadn’t had the chance to really stare at his twin’s face these past few years. There were dark circles visible around his eyes, making him look slightly tired but Yongguk could trace the happiness Yongnam got from his hardwork performing with his band around the world. There was an air of contentment surrounding his brother and only then did Yongguk realize how lucky Yongnam was to be able to do what he really enjoyed.

But when he recalled the sad look Himchan had on his face a few weeks ago, he started wondering whether it was fair for Yongnam to pursue his career to the highest level and leave Himchan behind waiting for him to return.

These days they were too busy with work that they hadn’t had the chance to hang out together anymore. Yongguk admitted that he missed the days they hung out at that ramen shop with Himchan having difficulties to lower down his voice because he was too excited. He missed the days they played at the arcade shooting zombies and ended up having sleepovers at Himchan’s house because Mrs. Bang had this habit of locking the door at midnight and refusing to answer the door even when her own children begged her to do so.

“So how long are you gonna be here?” Yongguk asked.

“Not sure,” Yongnam shook his head. “Maybe for two or three days?”

Yongguk blinked and looked at his twin.

“Well that’s quite short. What does Himchan think of this?”

There was a moment of hesitance before Yongnam could answer his brother and when he did, he let out a rather nervous chuckle. Yongguk tried not to notice the tension in the atmosphere so all he could do was pretend that nothing was wrong when it was obvious that Yongnam was having a problem with Himchan back home.

Did they fight again?

Yongguk wanted to ask but he didn’t. He had decided to let the two of them be on their own after the trip to that beach house years ago. Their problem had nothing to do with him. 

“Himchan understands. He said it was okay.” Yongnam said. He then quickly changed the subject. “Anyway, would you like to join us for dinner tonight?”

“I have some work to finish so maybe I’ll be late.”

“It’s fine,” Yongnam shook his head. “Just make sure you come. It’s been long since we sat down and hung out together.”

-

It started raining when Yongguk reached Himchan and Yongnam’s apartment. Luckily he’d brought his umbrella with him so he managed to avoid another unwanted cold. The weather had been crazy this month. His co-workers fell sick quite often. He was thankful that his immune system was stronger than average now that he’d become older.

When he rang the bell, he could hear Himchan answering from inside. Soon enough, there was a click from the door and it opened to reveal Himchan in a black sweater, flashing Yongguk a warm smile. Yongguk smiled back but he couldn’t help to notice that it was rare for him to see Himchan smiling with his teeth showing nowadays.

“Come in.”

“Where’s Yongnam?” Yongguk shrugged off his coat and let Himchan hang it behind the door.

“He’s in the bathroom.” Himchan replied as he made his way to the kitchen and poured some wine in the tall glasses which Yongguk recalled he’d bought from that Italian store a year ago.

The two of them sat down at the dining table. Yongguk stared at the food on the table and felt his stomach grumbling in approval at the pleasing sight. Himchan had improved greatly in his cooking skill. Now he could come up with complicated dishes and sometimes he even made his own recipe. At first, Yongguk was hesitant to taste his creation but when Himchan begged for him to be the judge of his cooking; he’d reluctantly consumed everything Himchan gave him. It was surprisingly good.

“Sorry for the hold up. Was drying my hair in the bathroom,” Yongnam said as he joined them at the table.

Himchan merely reacted to him but Yongguk chuckled at his twin.

They ate dinner between chatters and Yongnam was the one who talked the most. He shared everything about his tour and his band, some funny moments and unforgettable memories he had while performing. Yongguk had listened intently to his brother’s stories but when he reached for the glass of wine by his side, he noticed Himchan with his eyes downcast, chewing at the food rather unenthusiastically. It was like he was holding back a sigh.

Yongnam laughed at this particular memory and that was when Himchan settled the fork on the glass plate with a loud clank. Both Yongguk and Yongnam looked at him with wide eyes. Himchan didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as he stood up and placed the napkin that was previously sitting on his lap back on the table.

“I have a headache. I’m gonna go to bed early.” He murmured before he turned away to go to his room.

Yongguk stayed frozen in his seat. He looked at his brother and saw that even Yongnam himself was confused of the situation.

“Hyung, did something happen between you two?”

There was a frown on Yongnam’s face and he shook his head slowly, eyes on the food Himchan had prepared for them.

“No, it’s nothing.” He said. He then smiled at Yongguk and gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry but you should go home now, Yongguk. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Yongguk nodded and left the apartment, wondering what was going on between the two. He couldn’t throw away the image of a frowning Yongnam and a tight lipped Himchan from his head. He shut his eyes and heaved a deep sigh. He reminded himself that this was not something he had to resolve, that it was his brother’s and Himchan’s responsibilities.

It felt wrong to be a bystander but he had decided long ago that he wouldn’t involve himself in this matter anymore—he didn’t want to sit next to Himchan and listen to him pouring out his problems to him. He refused to do so because he was afraid of having his feelings rekindled.

That was the main reason.

-

Yongguk finally had the chance to leave after his boss came into the office and told them that the work was done. The others had cheered with fists raised in the air. They’d been up for god knew how long. This time the project involved several companies and the due date was earlier than anyone expected. Being an intern, Yongguk had certainly no other choice but to listen to his supervisors when they gave him some tasks to do. Maybe some of them were obviously lazy to do their own work but Yongguk wasn’t going to complain. He deemed that the experience he got from working there was something he could implement in the future when he got to start his career. Life is not always bright and you are bound to meet people you will have problem to deal with sometimes. Yongguk figured that life would be boring if everything flowed smoothly. A few struggles wouldn’t hurt.

Before he could unlock the front door, he saw a familiar car parked a little far away from his house. He strained his eyes and realized that the car belonged to Himchan. He wondered whether Himchan was visiting his old house but then he saw that the man was still in the car as he got closer to the vehicle.

The window was tinted but he could recognize the person as Himchan. He knocked on the glass and waited for Himchan to open the door. When he didn’t move, Yongguk creased his forehead in worry and tried the door. It was unlocked. He pulled it open and choked at the sight of his friend bawling his eyes out.

“Himchan? Himchan, hey.” Yongguk latched onto his shoulders and turned him to face him. “What’s wrong? Why are you here?”

Himchan shook his head and wiped at the tears with the back of his hand, letting out a few whimpers between choked tears. Yongguk looked up at the dark clouds sailing in the sky and gave Himchan a squeeze on his shoulders.

“Let’s get inside the house first, okay?” Himchan didn’t respond but Yongguk wasn’t going to wait any longer. He didn’t want to drag him out of the car when it would start raining.

After unlocking the front door, Yongguk took off his shoes quickly and led Himchan to the kitchen. His parents weren’t home. They’d gone out to attend someone’s funeral and Yongguk doubted that they would return soon. He filled the kettle with some water and heated it on the stove before he settled next to Himchan at the table. Himchan had stopped crying but his eyes were wet with tears, frowning lips quivering. Yongguk waited for him to calm himself down before he spoke up.

“Can you tell me what happened, Himchan?” Yongguk asked. He felt the need to put his hand over Himchan’s but he held himself back. “Did you and Yongnam fight?”

At the mention of his twin’s name, Yongguk saw Himchan’s brows crinkled in despair. It took Himchan some time before he could nod.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Himchan muttered. “I have no idea why I stay and wait when all I get is nothing.”

Yongguk frowned, not understanding what Himchan was talking about.

“I told Yongnam that he and I are over.”

The kettle whistled on the stove, breaking the silence that had fallen upon them. Himchan blinked back the tears in his eyes and pursed his lips. His shoulders trembled but he was stubborn. He refused to cry.

“It doesn’t feel like we’re in a relationship anymore. It feels like I’m only there to exist. He’s not giving me the reason to stay. I’m not happy anymore like I used to when we started dating. It’s like Yongnam forgets that I used to be as important as his career.”

Yongguk gnawed at his lower lip, eyes downcast. He didn’t want to look at Himchan’s devastated face because he didn’t need another person to break.

Himchan’s phone rang and both of them jumped at the sudden disruption. Himchan pulled it out of his pocket and laid it on the table, wistfully staring at the caller ID. Yongnam’s name flashed on the screen but Himchan made no attempt to answer his call.

Without a word, Yongguk stood up and turned to the stove. He grabbed the kettle and quickly brewed a cup of coffee before he handed it to Himchan. He pressed the coffee to Himchan’s trembling hands and sighed.

This was the right thing to do, he told himself.

“I’m sorry but Yongnam needs me.” With that, he walked out of the house and left behind the feelings that were desperately trying to rekindle themselves.

A/N:

An update for you guys after million years. Sorry for that! Next one will definitely be the last chapter. 

(Gosh I didn't mean for this story to be that angsty)