“Do you ever think we should just stop this?”

This isn’t the first time I had said this, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. I mean can you blame me? A ‘friends with benefits’ type relationship with the boy I had known since I was 4 really wasn’t the ideal situation. I knew I wasn’t in love with him and he wasn’t with me. Why we kept coming back to these hot sweaty nights filled with the sound of stifled moans and heavy breathing, I had no idea.

There was a silence between us that was louder than any of the nights we had spent together.

“Yeah” He murmured, sounding tired. My heart felt heavy, we both knew it had to stop but we weren't sure how.

I remember when it first began. It was a regular Friday night, we were hanging out in his room watching some comedy that wasn’t really funny.

“Do you want to have ?” I almost spit out the mouthful of soda I had just taken.

“What?” I studied his face, looking for any signs that he was joking around but finding none.

“I don’t love you” He declared, the words causing a slight ache to my heart.

“Never said you did” I mumbled, feeling even more confused. I just wanted to drop the subject and get back to watching the movie. He had sat up, moving slightly closer to me causing the air to fill with tension. I broke eye contact with him, grabbing the remote and turning the volume on the television up.

Suddenly, and without warning, his lips were on mine. Taehyung was kissing me. I stiffened, not daring to move or kiss back. But just as quickly as it had happened, his lips were gone. My eyes darted to his, feeling so utterly confused. I had known Taehyung for years; we were best friend and nothing more. Why had he just kissed me?

“So do you want to?” He didn’t even give me time to respond before his lips were on mine again, this time the kiss was harder, more passionate, with Tae practically forcing my mouth open with his tongue. I felt my body responding to his, chucking any thoughts of how wrong this was out the window. So that was how we spent our Friday night, an awkward entanglement of limbs and lips.

Breathing heavily and unraveling ourselves from each other, the heaviness of what we had just done, and the consequences that were sure to follow, hung in the air.

“I don’t love you” He repeated the line from earlier before falling asleep, his body arched away from me under the bed sheets. I felt like crying; that was my first time, did he need to remind me of the fact that I just lost my ity to someone who didn’t love me?

After that night, everything shifted in our friendship; Taehyung pulled away from me in favor of his new group of friends, leaving me by myself. I was sitting in the library one lunch break a few weeks after the night, flipping through my maths notes without really absorbing anything. I suddenly felt like crying again, he had been the one to initiate it so why was I being punished?

“Hey” I jumped at the sound of his voice, that deep velvety voice that I hadn’t heard in weeks.

“Oh, Tae…” I tried to sound nonchalant even though I felt anything but.

“I’m sorry” That was what I hated about Taehyung. He just said things; he just blew me off for weeks, without any clear explanation, after deflowering me then expects me to forgive him. And, of course, I do. Every time we have an argument, I forgive him. This was one of the dysfunctions of our friendship; I caved every time.

So we went back to being friends, he acted as if it never happened and I tried to follow his lead. You see, any sort of ual relationship between us should’ve ended there…but it didn’t.

It was a Sunday night, a stormy Sunday night, a few months after the dreadful night. I was home alone, my parents away for the weekend, watching a horror film in my bedroom. Thunder shook the house as a loud knock echoed from downstairs, causing my heart to almost explode with fear. I had grabbed the closest weapon (a coat hanger) and crept towards the front door.

“Hey” I let out the breath I hadn’t even been aware that I had been holding in.

“Taehyung?” I called through the closed door, curious at why he would be here at this time on a Sunday.

“Open up…please” His voice sounded different, quieter maybe. I unlocked the door and opened it to find Taehyung soaking wet, looking completely dejected. Without a word, he walked inside and headed towards my room, the room he had been in many times before. I followed him quietly, unsure of what to say.

“Are you ok?” He looked so sad and pathetic that I wanted to go over and hug him, comfort him but I didn’t, I hadn’t allowed skinship to occur between us since that night.

“Do you love me?” The question caught me off-guard, way off-guard.

“L-love? No I don’t” I didn’t, I really didn’t.

“Neither does she” His sad eyes looked up at me, making direct eye contact with me. I knew who this was about now. It was about Eunji, the girl Taehyung had been dating for a couple of months. Something must have happened, she must have broken up with him.

“Oh Tae, I’m so sorry” I hugged him hesitantly; I knew we didn’t show affection to each other anymore but I didn’t care. He looked so un-Taehyung like. Taehyung was full of life, he was playful and serious at the same time but never sad. As I pulled away from the hug, he pulled me back, crashing our lips together in a messy kiss. We kept on kissing, at some point I could taste the saltiness of his tears and felt the sobs wrack his body. I knew I shouldn’t have let it get any further than that, hell I shouldn’t have let it get that far but I did. He was crying and clinging on to me in a way that I couldn’t help but give in to. I let him do whatever he needed to do, rubbing his back in a circular motion as he into me, the tears never stopping.

“I don’t love you” He said between sobs.

From that moment on, this was how it was, Taehyung coming to me when he was upset or lonely and me giving him the physical comfort he desired. Half the time I didn’t even know what had upset him, I just let him undress me and use my body over and over. Our relationship had become a mess of tears, silence and ‘I don’t love you’s. Somewhere in between, my tears had started to mix with his, both of us crying our way through it. Our friendship didn’t go back to what it was; we barely spoke to each other at all, barely each other outside of the nights spent together.

And here we were again. Lying under the covers in his bed, puffy eyed and hoarse voiced.

“Do you ever think we should just stop this?” I had said this about as much as Taehyung had said that he didn’t love me.

“Yeah” It was the response he gave every time, every single time, like clockwork. This ‘thing’ with Taehyung was ruining my life. I couldn’t sleep, or eat, or concentrate. Seeing him destroy himself every time he moved his body against mine, hurt me so damn much. It was beginning to destroy me. I wasn’t only just realising this, no, I had a while ago; that’s when my tears started, mingling with his as they fell on our bodies.

“I really can’t do this anymore” Not that I was really doing anything, I hadn’t started this, I never did. It was always him coming to my house, looking broken and in need of fixing. It was happening more often. Even though we were physically as close as we could be, I had never been further from him emotionally. We used to tell each other everything but now I know nothing. He’s broken so often these days that I know something is amiss but I don’t feel like I could question it. He probably wouldn’t answer anyway.

“I know” He sounded tired, emotionally drained. I wonder if what we were doing was affecting him in the way it as affecting me. Because, hell did I feel emotionally drained as well.

“Then why do you keep doing this to me?” More tears fell from my eyes and I wondered at how there was even any tears left to spill.

“I’m sorry” He was always sorry, apologizing every time I hinted at just how badly all of this hurt me. Because the truth was that, before all of this, I had loved Taehyung, very much so. I had loved him from about the age of 13 when puberty began and boys suddenly became appealing. I had loved him the first time we had . And you see, one of the most painful things about all of this is feeling myself fall out of love more and more with each , with each touch. But maybe I had become addicted to it as much as he had.

“I know” Because he was sorry, he just wouldn’t or maybe couldn’t stop himself from continually coming back to this. Causing tears to replace the joy I used to feel whenever there was a knock on my door and I opened it to find him.

We both lay in silence, both of us refusing to fall sleep this time.

“Tae” My voice cracked on his name, I knew it was time to finish this.

“I know” He had always been able to read my mind, feel my emotions. I could hear the familiar sounds of him sobbing. It had gotten to the point that I didn’t even feel like comforting him anymore; it was no use. He stood up, pulling his clothes on before sitting back down on my bed, facing away from me.

“It hurts, Tae”

“I know” I almost wanted to rip all the ‘I know’s out of his body.

“Why-why do you keep doing this to me? Why me?”

“Because I don’t love you” His voice was low and the words didn’t hurt anymore, I was too used to them.

“I loved you, but I was content with our friendship until you screwed it up” I had gotten dressed as well and walked around to kneel in front of him.

“I kn-“

“I hate you” I stood up, sending the words his way like a gust of cold wind.

“I’m sorry” He looked defeated, he looked like someone who was carrying a large weight on his shoulders.

“I wouldn’t hate you so much if you had at least spoken to me about whatever is going on instead of just ing me” He flinched at the curse word, finally looking up at me.

“Speaking isn’t easy for me”

“And this isn’t easy for me” I spat, feeling the anger rise from the pit of my stomach. “I was your best friend, best friends are the ones you’re supposed to be able to talk to about anything”. He remained silent, refusing to meet my eyes.

“Leave” I exhaled a shaky breath, I was sick of this. He walked out of the room, without a single word; I didn’t attempt to stop him. I wished I could say that this was finally over but it wasn’t. I knew in a few days, maybe a week, there would be a knock on my door and a broken Taehyung standing there.