You look up at him trying your best not to falter at the words he’s just said to you. You were supposed to be happy; you finally got to spend time at your favorite place with your more than a best friend but not your boyfriend. But you were struck by news that shouldn’t have really shocked you.

You take a small breath before responding, “Jaehwan, I know it’ll be a rough road but I’ll support you, even through the TV screen.”

Jaehwan gives you a smile that makes your heart skip a beat and you wonder if you’ll actually be okay with just looking at him through a screen.

“That means a lot to me. Everyone else has had more training than me and the group I might get put in is set to debut next year *(vixx debut 2012). I hope I make the final cut with the little time I have.” Jaehwan pouts and you can’t help but wonder what it would feel like if you kissed him.

“Hey I’ve known you since high school and I know you’ll make it. I just know it Ken.” You smile up at the bright lights in front of the both of you, remembering the nickname you always call him.

“Come on, let’s take you home before you get sick.” Jaehwan stands up and holds his hand out to you.

You both walk hand in hand, not really sure when you’ll both see each other again due to his training. You always knew that Jaehwan wanted to be a singer, from the first moment you met him and it’d be selfish of you to ask him to forget that dream just so that you could keep him to yourself. There were so many things you still wanted to tell him but you knew it was too late.

You both stop outside your apartment and you wish you could hold onto his hand for just one more second.

 “Make sure you stay healthy okay?” You look up at him as you lightly squeeze his hand before letting go.

“I will and I’ll try to see you whenever I can.” Jaehwan pulls you into a hug before gesturing you to go inside.

Silly enough you’re hopeful that he will contact you often. You say your goodnights before you head inside as he turns to leave.

You walk up to your apartment, hoping that your other best friend is already asleep. As you open the door you feel your tears threatening to fall. You shut the door, feeling like an idiot for crying when you should be happy.

“Why are you crying, I thought you’d be happy after seeing Jaehwan?” Your roommate looks at you with concern.

You slide down the door and let your tears fall freely. 

“D-did he reject you? I was so sure he liked you too.” Your roommate sits next to you as you lean your head on her shoulder.

You nod your head no. “I just couldn’t confess.”

Your friend pats your back waiting for you to tell her what happened.

“I wanted to confess but he’s going to become an idol and you know how busy they become after debuting. He’ll be submerged into another world while I can only look at him through a TV screen. I can’t just confess after he worked so hard just to make it as a trainee. I’m happy for him, really I am.” You hiccupped as you wiped your tears away.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry. He’ll make time for you and even if he’s too busy I know he’ll be thinking about you because it's you. You’re the one person who believed in him when everyone else was telling him he was an idiot who'd never make it. Remember he made it this far because you kept supporting him.

“I know but once he debuts he’ll have millions of fans supporting him.” You can’t help but smile to yourself because you know it’s true with his silly and carefree personality.

You continue your days wondering how Jaehwan is doing, wishing that you could have done all the things you both promised to do together. Hoping that he’s doing well. He sends you texts every so often on how he’s doing or asking how you’re doing. As soon as you know it the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and you receive less and less texts from him.

You avoid watching TV despite finding out he’s been put through a survival program. You feel guilty for promising to watch and support him through a TV screen but you can’t bring yourself to do it.

You hear your phone ding, notifying you that you’ve received a text and you hope it’s Jaehwan but you know the chances are slim. You read the text from your roommate,

It’s the last episode of the survival program that Jaehwan is on, it airs tonight. Let’s watch it together?

Your roommate knew you had no plans so you couldn’t reject her,

Okay, I’ll make dinner.

You look at the time knowing your friend would be home in two hours and the show would be airing an hour after she got home. You start foraging through your fridge for the ingredients you’d need to cook curry.

As you cook your mind wanders to Jaehwan again; of whether or not he had feelings for you or if you were just delusional and he saw you as his best friend. You couldn’t help but reminisce when you were still back in high school and he was known as the mood maker with his thick glasses and messy hair. Now here you both were already so far apart from each other, you could only hope that he thought about you from time to time.

Your thoughts are interrupted when hear the door open and your friend greets you, “Hey, smells good in here.”

“I made your favorite. Curry and rice.”

You both eat together, your friend telling you about her day. After you both finish eating, you both clean and sit on the sofa waiting for the next hour to hit. You get more and more antsy knowing you'd see Jaehwan competing to debut as a singer. 

The announcer names all the contestants and you’re shocked that Jaehwan’s stage name is the nickname you call him by. You watch their final missions as a group and as individuals and can’t help but smile at how much he’s improved. The fact that he was so serious showed how much he wanted to be a singer and you already knew he’d make it. It was no shock to you when the judge said he’d be debuting. You somehow felt bitter sweet.

Your friend knew that she couldn’t say much and for you it was also a wake up call. Ken wasn’t yours, he was never yours to begin with.

You decided to step out of the apartment and go to the place you both called your own hideout. At the national park high point that overlooked the entire city. You were always amazed at the beautiful night sky and the twinkling lights. You lean on the rail and stare at the sight in front of you. Trying not to think of anything.

“You still remember this place?”

You freeze for a moment wondering if you’re just imagining the voice that you hear. You turn your head to see Jaehwan a few feet behind you and you swear your heart is going to leap out as your breath hitches from just looking at him smile at you.

“Jaehwan?”

He stands next to you, taking your hand in his as if it was the most natural thing to do.

“How long has it been?” He smiles as he looks at you.

“A year?”

“I knew you’d be here. I missed you.” Jaehwan whispers as he leans closer to you.

“You got taller.” You lightly bump his side. Unable to say you missed him. Saying you missed him wasn’t enough to explain how you really felt.

“I’m always thinking about you. About how you’re doing.” He confesses as he holds your hand tighter.

You knew what you were about to do would either sever everything or make things a lot more complicated. But you knew it was now or never.

I could say the same. “Close your eyes for a second.” You say letting go of his hand to face him.

Jaehwan tilts his head in confusions but closes his eyes. You stand on your tip toes and kiss him. You didn’t feel like you were in a movie and that time stopped. You felt love sick, as if your heart wanted to burst out of your chest. You slowly pulled your face away from him unable to look him in the eyes. But for some reason you were hopeful. He didn’t push you away.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehwan whispered as he walked away from you.

You stood there, your eyes blurring from the tears. Jaehwan’s figure blurring as he got farther and farther away from you.

At least you knew where you stood despite the pain you felt.

“Goodbye Jaehwan.” You said to yourself as you wiped your tears away.

As the months passed you heard about Jaehwan's debut and you thought that time would help you forget about him but it was nearly impossible when everyone you knew kept mentioning him.

From time to time you’d open the TV to see him singing happily to his audience. It was just like him to be the mood maker. You had no regrets. 

Time passed and you still held Jaehwan in your heart despite what happened. You tried to forget about him and meet other people. There was even someone you brought to the place that was only special to you and Jaehwan. But it just felt wrong, you couldn’t bring yourself to go back anymore after. What you didn’t know was Jaehwan would come back to the place he left you almost every night and when he saw you laughing with someone else he knew he made the wrong choice.

“I never got to confess. I should’ve confessed.” Jaehwan walked away as he saw you that evening talking to another man.

Jaehwan had a lot of regrets when it came to you. He wished he could have held your hand for a while longer. He wished he kissed you back that night. He wished he could confess to you. But he knew it was too late. He just hoped you’d listen to the song he’d sing to you. He hoped that his feelings would come across somehow, even if you didn't feel the same way.

__________________

“You know that show with the masked singers is on?” Your roommate asked knowing you wanted to avoid talking about him.

“Really? Maybe I’ll watch it later.” You always liked watching the show but hardly had time to.

“Well I’ll be late tonight, I have to stay at the office for some extra work.” She said over the phone before you both said your goodbyes..

You wondered why your best friend told you about masked king when she never really liked the show. You shrugged the thought off and turn the TV on to see the show starting. The contestant stood at the center of the stage as he began to sing. His voice sounded so familiar to you.

Why are there so many break ups in this world?

Why is love so hard? I was curious about these things.

And now I'm asking again, how am I to cope with this?

Does all this sadness even end?

It's okay, it'll probably go away after awhile.

This heart and these tears will eventually go away.

We know that the more we hold on the more we break.

We know that letting go is love.

I love you, I love you. I thought that there'd be more time to tell you those words.

Already I'm envious of that person who'll come and take you away someday.

Don't be happy. If you are trying to be happy,

then that means you have to forget me, who loves you.

As if stabbed with a thorn, every time I breathe, tears come out.

Living, isn't living at all.

Don't love. If it's not me, then you can't be forever with anyone else.

That place where I left you, if I just remember that place then I can find you.

This is just a love that's put on hold. It's okay. Laugh.

Within the day I change my mind many times.

I throw it away again only to pick it back up. Today I'm like that too.

It was me who told you that you're going to meet a good person,

but my heart is holding onto you.

I love you, I love you. Now I can't hear your voice telling me that.

If you wait for just a little bit it'll come back.

Does that person by your side know that too?

Don't be happy. If you are trying to be happy,

then that means you have to forget me, who loves you.

As if stabbed with a thorn, every time I breathe, tears come out.

Living, isn't living at all.

Don't love. If it's not me, then you can't be forever with anyone else.

That place where I left you, If I just remember that place then I can find you.

This is just a love that's put on hold. It’s okay. Laugh.

Don't love. If it's not me, then you can't be forever with anyone else.

That place where I left you, If I just remember that place then I can find you.

This is just a love that's put on hold. It’s okay. Laugh.

These tears and this pain is okay.

Before he finishes singing you feel tears rolling down your face and you know it’s Jaehwan before he even takes his mask off and you wonder who he’s singing to. You wonder if it’s you but you know that couldn’t be possible. You just hope that he doesn’t let go of the person he loves like you let go of him.

He hopes that you know it's you. 

END.