a drabble about suchen for kaylee

---

Jongdae's hand clamped around Joonmyun's as the man lay unconscious in the hospital.

Joonmyun collapsed recently from a medical condition, and he'd been here for a little over three weeks, drifting in and out on consciousness.

 It worried Jongdae when he couldn't see the elder's bright smile and warm gaze; he only saw the fatigue and exhaustion in the man. 

The hospital became a second home to Jongdae, he was there practically every day and every night, staying by his lover's side so he would never miss a moment the other was awake. He yearned to feel Joonmyun's hand squeeze back, to feel the other's presence. Joonmyun barely had enough energy to even smile at him anymore, but Jongdae was faithful. He had hope, because Joonmyun was strong. He was a fighter.

That's what he told himself, but Jongdae knew the real reason he said these things was to reassure himself. He said these things to ease himself, because the truth was, Jongdae was terrified.

Joonmyun was deathly ill, but he could never accept the fact that one day Joonmyun will be gone. He won't be there too cook the younger food or to cuddle with the younger during hard times. 

The truth was, he needed Joonmyun. He needed the elder like plants need carbon dioxide, and it was challenging. It was challenging to walk home to an empty house without a cheerful, puppy-like man bouncing around the house and asking about his day. It was the most difficult at night. He could touch Joonmyun, and he could see the man too, but he could never feel Joonmyun. He could touch the hands of the one he loved and feel the cold skin, but he could feel the love. He couldn't feel the love circulating through Joonmyun's veins and running through his blood.

Jongdae was pretty sure Joonmyun had given up; one thing he'd never even begin to think of seeing the elder do. 
                              ===
"It's funny how people fall in love, Myunnie, isn't it?" Jongdae asked, his arm protectively wrapped around the raven's shoulder. 

"Yes, Dae, almost as funny as you, now get off," Joonmyun would chuckle, shrugging the cat-like boy's arm off of him.

"I love you," Jongdae whispered, kissing his lover's ear and snuggling close to the other. 

"Love you, too," Joonmyun replied, lifting his blanket to let the other climb into his space.
                              ===

Jongdae sighed, running the top of the raven's cold hand. 

"Funny how people fall in love in such crazy ways, right Myunnie?" Jongdae asked softly, his eyes beginning to sting.

He would nod to himself, forcing out a chuckle, "Almost as funny as you."

Jongdae's lips would tremble slightly as he fought to hold back the tears, "But it's not funny anymore, Myunnie. I want you back," He'd whisper to the unconscious man, voice cracking slightly. 

"It's not funny," The younger of the two would choke out, a tear running down his cheek, slipping down onto his lip. It was salty and it stung his slightly chapped lips.

Jongdae cried by the bed in which his lover was laying down in, much like before on occasions like this. He would do anything to see a sign that the man didn't give up. To see that the man wasn't waiting for death to sweep him away. 

He wanted to touch those warm hands and kiss them and cherish them, but it was impossible if the hands weren't warm anymore. 

Jongdae caressed the chilled fingers with his own, clammy ones. The sweat was gathering from anxiety again, and this time he had a bad feeling. Then again, Jongdae thought that every time he walked into the home of death. 

"I miss you," Jongdae started. "I'm awaiting your return, Myunnie. Come back soon, okay? We'll watch movies and eat good food, alright? You won't have to be fed through a tube anymore. That sounds good, right?"

"Come back," His voice was shaky, and it soon cracked again, "okay?"

The door opened softly, "Jongdae, sweety, we have to do a few tests on Joonmyun. Unfortunately, we can't have you in the room so if you'll please exit," The nurse's voice was soft yet it sounded automatic; like she'd said this over a billion times.

Truth was, she probably had.

Jongdae nodded and got up, grabbing his bag and hauling it over his shoulder. He put a picture of Joonmyun and himself on the side table, just in case the man woke up while he was gone.

Just in case.