eight 

2014 - twenty-eight  

hope is the thing with feathers 

* * * * *

The first time Boa saw Jaejoong in the span of almost five years, she hadn’t expected herself to be so affected. It’s been so many years, they haven’t really even talked for so long (those birthday wishes didn’t necessarily count as talking, and besides, he didn’t send her one this year -  not that she’s keeping track or anything), and it’s not like they can even still be considered friends. 

So why was her heart beating so fast?

(But then again…) 

It was the premier night of Big Match (one of the first few Korean movies she’d participated in), and she almost barely missed him as she’s walking onto the red carpet when he (and Yoochun and Junsu) stepped out of their limousine. 

But his shock of gently-tousled-by-the-wind (yet still perfect looking) honey blond hair, long legs, and broad shoulders caught her eye just before she turned around. 

And even though she knew beforehand that there was a chance of Jaejoong coming (since actor Lee Jung Jae was a part of C-JES and because SM had made such a big ing deal of Yunho and Changmin attending the event to support her - in case they ran into JYJ - so they sent Siwon instead), she hadn’t expected him to actually be here right in front of her. 

She almost stopped in her steps, her high-heeled feet pausing in midair, his face the only one she focused on amongst the sea of people. 

But when a few snaps from the paparazzi flashed from the side of her peripheral vision, the bright lights almost blinding her, she remembered exactly where she was and how many people were watching her. So she forced a professional smile onto her lips, one that no one could see through (except maybe one person), waving politely at the cameras.  

“BoA! Look over here!” 

“Smile!” 

“Which designer are you wearing tonight?” 

“Can we have a picture of you with all of your co-stars?” 

Without breaking her forced smile, Boa smoothed down the skirt of her dress and took her place in line with all of the seniors that she’d been working with for the past few months. And when everyone raised their fists up for a congratulatory cheer for the film, she turned her head just a little, catching sight of Jaejoong just as he was looking straight at her (though she couldn’t really tell if he was really looking at her or just in her direction because he was wearing sunglasses). 

It wasn’t until a loud cheer from the fans that snapped her out of her daze did she finally shift her eyes away from Jaejoong and onto everything that was happening before her. She caught one last glimpse of him and Yoochun and Junsu as they started making their way onto the red carpet before she slipped inside the auditorium. 

* * * * *

She’s just coming out of the backstage private artists’ bathroom during intermission when she caught sight of a figure standing near the corner of the blocked-off hallway, the flick of a lighter being switched, and she turned her head just a little more to see that it was actually Jaejoong with a cigarette between his lips, his sunglasses no longer blocking his face. 

He looked up at her the same moment that she met his eyes, and they both froze, not really knowing what to do or say. 

He’s the first to move, taking the barely lit cigarette out of his lips and stamping it out with the soles of his designer dress shoes. She heard him exhale a deep breath (one so deep that she felt obligated to inhale just as much in preparation for what he was going to say). 

“Hey,” he said, his familiarly calm yet somewhat raspy voice making its way to her ears (and she literally felt her heart constricting at the sound of just his voice after so many years). He managed a tiny smile. “Congratulations on the movie. It’s really good.” 

“Thank you,” she replied, her answer coming out almost automatically, just like she’d trained herself to do with casual acquaintances in the industry (and the sound of her robotic voice almost made her wince, especially when she saw just a fraction of hurt flash across Jaejoong’s eyes for a millisecond). Clearing just a little, she took a deep shaky breath and tried again (hopefully for something a little less generic and a little more sincere - because they’ve known each other for more than a decade now and that’s not how she wanted to sound after not talking to him in nearly five years). “I listened to your new album. It’s good.” 

Jaejoong looked up to meet her eyes again with the ghost of a smile on his now slimmer, more mature face, and she could see the way his eyes gloss over with something a lot like regret because they were talking to each other like the years and years of friendship meant nothing to them. 

“I didn’t think you’d listen to it,” he admitted after a beat, the corners of his lips lifting just a tiny bit. She heard him sigh just a little before he looked down again, his hands in the pockets of his coat this time. 

“Of course I would,” she said, her voice sounding more hurt than she’d like, the words falling from her lips almost immediately as she furrowed her eyebrows. Stepping just a bit closer to him, she sighed a little, her eyes staring hardly at Jaejoong’s form until he looked up to meet her eyes again. “Why would you think that?” 

“You’ve been doing a pretty marvelous job of ignoring me these past five years,” Jaejoong pointed out, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly, but she could practically see the way his eyes narrowed at hers (but she could also see the way it’s barely masking what he really felt - pain). With a shake of his head and a little scoff, he broke eye contact with her and proceeded to walking down the empty hallway, away from her (because at least then, he could still pretend there was some type of relationship between them - be it friendship or something else - and not face the reality of whatever this was that they had now). “And it’s not like you can just coincidentally see us performing on TV or something like that.” 

“I’m sorry, Jae,” Boa whispered as he passed her. Her words got him to stop, and she turned to look up at him with tears pooling in the rims of her eyes (but she couldn’t cry, not when they still had to go back inside and pretend that everything was okay, that they didn’t just have this falling out, that she wasn’t still…). “I couldn’t-”

“Couldn’t?” Jaejoong asked, turning to meet her glassy eyes, and she could see that he wasn’t doing much better than her, though his voice was still as steady as ever. He shook his head just once, a scoff of disbelief leaving his lips. “Or wouldn’t? There’s a difference.” 

“I didn’t mean to-” Boa started, but she didn’t know what else to say, closing in on itself, as if she was choking on her own regret. It’s true. Everything Jaejoong had said was true. There was Heechul and Eunhyuk (and maybe some others, but at this point, all that mattered was that she wasn’t amongst them) who had tried their best to maintain a relationship with Jaejoong and Junsu (respectively) despite the company’s rules and restrictions. But she never did (too scared, too afraid). Of what, she didn’t even know. Sure, she was BoA, she was the Queen, and maybe she defied all of the universe’s rule, but she was always too scared to break SM’s because without them, then what was she, who was she? 

“How do you do it? How do you pretend to not care?” Jaejoong asked, his voice barely a whisper this time. He stared into her eyes, but when he saw the tears in her onyx orbs, he looked down (because seeing her cry still hurt his heart so much, and if he continued gazing into them, he’d give in to her - always give in to her - and not say how he really felt). “Because I still care about you. So much.” 

“Jaejoong-” she called out, but he was already starting to walk away. 

“It’s a few weeks late,” he whispered, his last words hauntingly ringing in Boa’s ears as she closed her eyes (because she’s sure he just broke her heart - but then again, maybe she’d broken his first). “But happy belated twenty-eighth, B.”

* * * * *

The premier’s over before she knew it, and everyone was starting to make their way out of the still-darkened auditorium, but Boa sat still in her seat, her eyes unblinking (but in reality, she hadn’t been paying attention to the movie since she’d come back from her run-in with Jaejoong in the hallway). 

“BoA? BoA? BoA!” 

She startled to attention when she felt a tap on her shoulder, and she looked up to see her manager gazing at her with a questioning look in his eyes. Shaking her head just a little to bring herself back into the moment, she stood up from her seat slowly. “I-” she started, not knowing how to continue. But then she took a deep breath. “There’s somewhere I have to be. Tell everyone I can’t make it to the after-party.” 

“Wait, what?!” her manager bellowed, but she didn’t seem to hear him as she picked up her clutch and took off, never minding that she was running in four-inch heels (because there was somewhere she had to be, there was someone she had to see). 

* * * * *

Two hours later, she’s standing in fr