They were both at fault and that was probably the most painful feeling of all. They were both at fault and that was the hardest aspect to accept.

Mark had no idea what to do, had no idea how to accept this reality. He cringed and ran his fingers through his already messy hair.

"Damn it. Why does this always happen to me?" he complains to no one, merely mourning his lousy luck in life.

The shattered pieces of what used to be his favorite mug was on the floor, a reminder of the past hour that felt like an end of an era. It wasn’t,hopefully it wasn't. But for some unknown reason, it doesn't feel like just any normal fights.

"Jaebum..." The name feels foreign on his tongue for some reason. It feels weird and awkward saying it softly when he used to scream it in anger earlier.

Cleaning up took longer than usual because Mark could feel a cold dread threading through his blood. He could feel the prickle of guilt in his stomach and the strange thumping of worry in his heart. It feels so foreign and it scares him to no end.

Mark almost wants to run out the door and take the first taxi to Jaebum's apartment. He loves Jaebum to no end, loves him with all his heart and everything he is. Almost. But he doesn't.

"The Producer gave me a chance to record a demo so I had to stay an extra few hours!"

Then Mark remembered what happened earlier.

"You made my Mom wait for 5 hours when I specifically said she wanted to see you before she flies back to LA!"

Mark remembers the way his Mom looked disappointedly at the numerous food she cooked and the empty chair that was waiting.

"I couldn't say no! You know how important that offer was to me!"

Mark does. He understand what this chance meant for Jaebum, for his boyfriend that wants to become a singer. He knows that his boyfriend suffers through the impossible demands of Producers just for this chance.

"You selfish ! How could you say my Mom is less important than your ing career?!"

Mark remembers how much it had hurt, feeling like your relationship was second best to his dreams. It hurt, being the one who fell for the other first and the first to fall in love because it will always feel like the sentiment is not returned.

"Of course she is! That's why I came home as fast as I could--"

This is one of those times. One of those times that makes Mark feel insecure of his relationship with Jaebum. It feels like he's the one that keeps giving and giving without getting anything in return.

"Is 12 ing hours after the time we agreed on called early?!"

There was a tremble in his voice that Mark had never heard before. He just felt so hurt, so betrayed and so unimportant. He felt like Jaebum's love for him is nonexistent, like he was just a hobby used to pass the time until Jaebum gets what he wants.

"Mark, I know you're mad, but if you just think this through--"

But Mark couldn't think it through, not when he spent 5 hours consoling his Mom, the next hour worrying whether Jaebum got in an accident, the next few hours afraid that Jaebum had left him and then angry when he found out what had happened.

"The hell about what you think! I don't ing care anymore!"

Mark had given up.

"Mark, what are you talking about? I just--"

The mug Mark was holding, his favorite cup that his nieces had picked out for him, was thrown to where Jaebum was standing. There was a resounding crash as the ceramic hit the floor, shattering to pieces.

"Who cares about your career? I don't care about your career!"

Mark remembers the way Jaebum's eyes widened. It was sort-of refreshing, surprising that his words could affect him this way.

"Mark you don't mean that--"

Mark meant it.

"Who cares about your singing? You have to accept that you're meant to just serve people coffee! Accept the ing truth, Im Jaebum!"

There was pain in Jaebum's eyes, hurt and betrayal. Mark would've felt guilty, but there was so much anger in his own.

"Mark... I..."

There was no ending, no conclusion. Jaebum just grabbed his bag, stood up and left Mark’s place without looking back. And Mark let him.

Whether Mark regrets what he had said or whether Jaebum regrets what he had prioritized, the other didn’t know.

Jaebum didn't call for a week and neither did Mark. There was too much anger and betrayal, no one was ready to back out.

Jaebum felt betrayed.

Mark felt unloved.

There was no who broke down first  or who gave in first  or even who up to their mistake first . There was only the way that Jaebum looked at Mark and the way Mark looked at Jaebum.

For the first time since the incident, they saw each other in their favorite dine out (a place that serves the best fried chicken and greasy hamburgers) a week after. Mark was still toying with the key chain of his car keys and Jaebum was holding a folder full of music notes.

They stared at each other, both confused and having no idea what to do in the situation. A week had left them both with a lot of time to think and neither knew exactly what to think of in this situation.

The silence was broken with the waitress that knows them both. “Same order as usual?” she asks, a huge smile on her face as she points them to a free table.

Without saying anything, the both of them just took their seats. They ordered quietly, just re-affirming the order that they usually take. The waitress bids them a cheery good evening before she disappears towards the kitchen.

“I--”

“So--”

They both paused, a smile now on their lips at the obvious tension on the table.

“I’ll go first, because I started it all.” Jaebum spoke, hands on the table as he gave Mark a sad look. “I’m sorry I never apologized for…”

“You at apologizing. You never do.” Mark just said, an honest observation because at the span of their relationship, Jaebum never did. It was either because Jaebum never did anything to warrant an apology or because Mark had learned to accept that Jaebum would never apologize.

Silence passed between them even in the middle of a crowded restaurant filled with chatters from neighbouring tables. It was only broken when their orders arrived, a basket of honey dipped chicken and rice for Jaebum and hamburger with bacon and fries for Mark.

“I want to apologize for sayi--” Mark was interrupted with Jaebum placing a piece of chicken to his lips, effectively shutting him up. A confused looked passed by his eyes when Jaebum just smiled at him.

“Don’t apologize, you always do that. You always apologize so this time, let me.” Deep breathe. “I’m sorry for hurting you when I put my career before meeting your Mom. I’m sorry if it ever made you feel like I didn’t love you because even if I don’t say it out loud, I do .”

Mark just looked at Jaebum, face blank of any emotion.

Jaebum was honestly scared, a surprise because he spent the past week telling himself that Mark was a horrible person and a ty boyfriend. He spent the past week telling himself that he needs to let go of Mark, break up. But now that he was in front of the man himself, every plan was scratched and thrown out the window to be replaced with a new plan, beg for forgiveness.

A long agonizing minute.

“I hurt you.” Mark said instead and Jaebum looked up, forehead scrunched up at his words.

“Yeah, but that’s--”

“I hurt you and it’s not okay.” Mark repeated, firmly this time. The conviction in his tone was enough to make Jaebum pause, unable to think of any words or reaction. “So, I think, just this time. This time  and only this time, let’s forgive each other and let’s forget about this. If you’re prepared to accept me, I’m prepared to accept you.”

Jaebum blinked for a second. “I am.” Because he is not ready to lose Mark just yet.

Mark gave him a huge smile, the one that shows too much teeth and scrunches up his face. “Then we’re good, Im Bum."

Mark knew they weren’t going to be okay immediately . Jaebum’s apology doesn’t erase the numerous doubts in his head and the numerous questions that kept on haunting him. Jaebum’s apology wasn’t going to erase that night and the memory of how he was abandoned and his Mom got stood up.

But Mark also knew that his apology wouldn’t erase the pain that Jaebum felt with his words. He knew that Jaebum wouldn’t be able to forget it or disregard it because Jaebum was the kind of person who takes everything to heart.

Things wouldn’t be easy nor would they be hard as long as the both of them, Im Jaebum and Mark Tuan, are ready to face all their demons.

And the first step is to forgive and forget.