Lee Joon. That’s what they all call you now. You have admirers and supporters who are with you everydaywith your group, MBLAQ. Did you forget about me already? Did you forget about when we were together training hard trying to reach our goals? Is it because you reached yours and I didn’t?

 ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8’

‘Ya! Oppa, wanna rest? I’m dead now’, I pouted.

‘Slacking off again? We’ll rest for a bit’, you pinched my cheeks and ruffled my hair.

Remember the first time we met? You were performing dances for the shop. I was there too. I broke the glass pot. You took my hands, tightly. You led me into an empty street. I felt safe. Secure. We ran for our lives while the shop manager and staff chased us.  You huffed. I puffed. We were both tired but we continued. We hid behind boxes. You peeped waiting for them to go away. They went and we stood up. Then a man approached us. He scouted us to his dance school.

‘Oh crap!’ I stared at the angry manager who was about to walk over. I didn’t know what to do. Then suddenly someone grabbed my hands. It was you.

‘Come on! Follow me!’ you shouted.

We ran past shops into long twisted roads until we reached a small alley and hid by the boxes. The footsteps of the men chasing after us were soon faded. Our hands were still intertwined together. You peeped from the boxes and there a tall man stared at us.

‘Oh man...’ I murmured.

‘Good afternoon. I’m from xxx entertainment and I just saw you two dancing. I would love it if you two join our entertainment and become a idol star.’

We both grinned.

I remember the times when we practiced for hours and hours non-stop in the small dance room, no one knew we were there. We practiced to our limits. We practiced every day. It made me happy seeing you every day. I smiled at every word you said. When we finished we sat in the middle of the room, all sprawled out. You remember that right? It was only us two together. Alone.

‘Gosh being a trainee ’ I murmured.

‘Ya. Don’t be so negative. We’ll soon debut.’

You chucked a bottle of water towards me and sprawled onto the ground. I followed.

‘When do you think we’ll debut’

‘Oppa...it’ll be soon? You’re a great dancer and singer’

We both giggled.

‘Minjun ah... have you ever realised how cute your laugh is?’

I sat right up and stared at him weirdly.

‘Tch. Of course. It’s me’

I stuck my tongue out.

You sat up and looked at me, you leaned forward.

That was when my heart beat rose up and my cheeks became warm.

‘Y-yah. Changsun...’

‘You’re really pretty. Have you not noticed? You captivated me the first time I saw you.’

I sat there shocked.

‘Um. I’m going to the bathroom.’

I was about to leave when you held my wrist.

‘Don’t be so rude.’

I didn’t know what to do. But you did.

The time when you confessed to me and leaned close. Your lips touching mine. I liked that feeling. I really did. Actually...I loved that more than anything else. Then after all those years we were together, you finally reached your long-dreamed goal. I was so happy for you. Then you told me something. Something I regret hearing.

‘We...should part our own ways.’

It felt painful hearing that. I know you didn’t want to but in the end, the cold-hearted you came out. It took over you. Then you left all your past memories. You dumped them into the trash. It was goodbye forever. I watched you change. Change from a kind, loving man to one who only cared for himself.

I gave up on my dreams. After you became famous, I gave up everything. Everything. I didn’t want to think of the painful past. The past you chose to forget. But now, even when I work in the café, I still think of you. No matter hard how I try. You’re too special. How someone like you could do that. It hurt so much. Like pins being stuck into my heart. I watch you afar every day. From TV or the computer. Tears roll down my face when someone mentions you. The first thing I think off. The aching words echoing through my head.

“Hey baby…I need to tell you something. Don’t be upset, but let’s…let’s…let’s just break up,”

“Wait…Changsunya, what do you mean. You love being with me, together right?” tears had formed in my eyes.

“I’m a celebrity now, if fans find out I have a girl, it’d be bad for me…”

I didn’t think. I slapped you. Hard. Tears were rushing out of my eyes and I was very scared. I didn’t care about that. Not yet anyways. I cared about your reaction. But… you still weren’t awake. You tried to protest. You were in your idol world. That world, where nothing mattered. Nothing but fame, popularity and reputation. There was no such thing as love. Only admiration. I crumbled down breaking into pieces watching you shake your head in dismay. Walking away. Out of my sight.

I told myself. I would forget you. I told myself I would change everything I was to make memories of you. I went to the hair salon and got new hair. I applied eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss. Accessories that girls only need to cover themselves. They use it to cover their real appearance. I…use it to conceal my past.

I tried dating other boys. It didn’t work, all I thought about was you. They were disgusted. Annoyed. In the end, I would get dumped. Although there were some people who didn’t mind. Those who told me they would love me forever and help me to overcome my injuries in my heart. It never helped. I don’t want to be with them. I ignore them. Their flowers, cards and chocolates too. I felt trapped. Like a bird in a cage. I couldn’t lift open my wings. I lost freedom and happiness.

‘Yah. Minjun. Are you still thinking about your ex? Get over him okay?’

 I put away our photos and memories we collected into a box except for the necklace. The necklace with a ring. I wear it every day. I see you wear it too. In all your performances. It made me happy.  That box is in a cupboard, untouched. Sometimes, I feel like opening it, but I can’t, the pain hurts too much. I want to throw them in the trash like you did. I couldn’t. I couldn’t be so cruel, throwing away my past life that easily. I knew you missed me right?

You know how it hurts to make myself sleep. The tears which rush out suddenly fall out one by one. One day, it stops. I have no more tears. Never again were there tears stains when I wake up. I started using sleeping pills. One pill. Two. Three. Five. Then more and more. Then warm milk came along. Then big teddy bears. Then my friends. They were special to me and I would never throw them away like you had done to me.

Because you changed. Because you chose fame, popularity and reputation over someone special, a destined partner. You chose fame, popularity and reputation over happiness and love. Why? Why did you? I become more tired each day.

------------------------------------------------

One day, I start serving customers through the drive thru area. I am tired. It’s nearly time to finish off. Just then a black car drives through. The windows scroll down. No-one talks. Then a voice says “Can I please have two coffees and two bacon and egg sandwiches”

Why did the voice sound so similar? Curiosity got me. I bent down to see if I could remember the ‘person’. My eyes wide open, mouth hanging, body tensing up. It was you. The new you. Alongside, sat a girl, she threw daggers to me with her eyes. I couldn’t dodge any of them. They were signalling something. Something like GET-THE-ORDERS-READY-AND--OFF.

I had no reaction though. I just smiled. I missed him. I missed talking to him.

“Hey…Changsun!! UH..no…I meant Joon. Do you still remember me? It’s Lee Min Jun from dance remember,” I talk to you with a very enthusiastic voice.

Not giving me any answer, you continue asking for me for your order. So I ask again. You get irritated. Why? Have you really wiped me away from your memory? I ask again. I won’t give up that easily.

“No…,” that’s what you say before driving off not even waiting for your order.

Of course I’m hurt. I don’t show it though. The next customer comes in and I continue my job.

__________________________________

I call my best friend. He’s very protective of me, he thinks you’re a jerk. I just leave him be. I don’t think you’re a jerk. Just that you…changed.

He drives me and stops near a petrol shop to buy us some drinks. That’s when I see you again. You don’t see me. You’re with your supposedly girlfriend. I can hear you speak. I strain my ears to catch what you are talking about.

“That girl earlier…do you know her?” the girl asks.

“Didn’t you hear me say no?” you say. I was anxious to hear the next part.

“Ok…I’ve just been wondering. What’s that necklace around you?,” she reaches to touch it.

I see you hold her angrily. You prevent her touching it. You caress the ring necklace. The one we got as a couple gift.

“Don’t touch it, it’s special. Very special,” I hear you say.

I see you ordering the girl to step off the car. She does. Without warning, you speed away from her. She screams. But you’re too far to hear. That’s when I smile. A genuine smile, one that lit the dark aura I had around me for ages. My friend comes back.

He’s confused, he drives asking me questions. It’s didn’t matter what he was talking about. All I was thinking about was you.

That’s when all the emotions come. Why was I so stupid to give up something I liked just for you. You still loved me. It probably hurt to know that I stopped dancing. Then that’s when I ran. For my life. To the man who had scouted us. I beg him to scout me up again. To train to back to perfection.

He refuses. I go down to my knees, I beg him to he cannot say no. That’s when I started anew again. I trained secretly, sprawled against the floor tired, reaching my utmost limit. But, this time, without you. It didn’t matter, all I needed was motivation.

Auditions came around. I was signed up. Nervous. Anxious. I sit in the waiting room, waiting to be called out. I was as others come and go. Some smiling, some crying and some just furious. Makeup stylists start their makeup on me. First, eyeshadow, dark colours. Then some mascara and lashes. Jewels get stuck to the side of my sides. My hair is sprayed and volumised, the people fix my accessories. I open my eyes. Who is that in front of the mirror? Me? I cannot recognize myself, I feel different. Dominant. Like an idol.

 “0468,” a woman calls. I go back to reality wishing myself good luck. I hold my ring necklace, kissing it. I hope that good luck will come. I hope you will wish me good luck.

The lights dim, eyes stare at me as the music starts. The rhythm flows through my body. I begin the routine I was told to memorise. Left, right, up down, spin, jump, pop. All the dance moves I re-mastered. No one talks, it’s silent. While I dance to the rhythm, people begin bobbing their head. Some clapping. I smile. The music stops. The eyes which stare at me give me flashes of smiles. People stand up, cheering, whistling and clapping. The judges congratulated me.

I had passed. I am now a celebrity waiting to be debuted. I walked back to the makeup room, I smile and look at my necklace.

“Thankyou…,”I whisper to the necklace. A feeling of warmth wrapped around me. I was happy. Not for anyone but myself. As I go back to my room, a huge group of people walked passed. There was someone there. Someone familiar. I stopped walking. I turned around. He stood still. He turned around too. It was you. I smiled. You smiled back. I watch you walk away. That was walking away holding the necklace. I walked too. I held my necklace.

That was when I knew that even if I wouldn’t be with you in the end. It didn’t matter. I knew I was always in your heart. That necklace. It tells all. Because you’ve never changed, in fact, you had still stayed the same.