It has been years since she last saw him and although they didn't exactly end on the best terms she thought she had the closure she needed. Yet here she was, crying her eyes out while listening to her ex boyfriends radio show as well as stalking his social media. Empty liquor bottles surrounded her bed as she sat in darkness, the only light coming from the screen of her laptop. 

 

Their relationship ran smoothly for a year. At the time Jessica was twenty five and Jonghyun was twenty three. All her friends her age were either getting engaged or moving in with their significant other. After dropping multiple hints to her boyfriend, Jonghyun told her the piece of information that tipped their relationship into chaos. Jonghyun was a free spirit who was afraid of commitment. 

 

He wasn't ready to be tied down and he wasn't sure if he was ever going to be ready. His "bachelor pad" was far too small for Jessica, Jonghyun and Roo, or so he claimed.

It was what sixty percent of what their fights were about, the other forty percent was due to Jessica's jealously, Jonghyun was good looking and charming so obviously he was going to get a lot of attention but she didn't care about the female attention as she saw no competition. It was the male attention she was worried about; specifically the attention coming from a certain Lee Taemin.

 

Taemin was Jonghyuns childhood friend. A pretty dancer who made Jessica's blood boil. He had a sickly sweet voice whenever he was around Jonghyun and was obviously coming on to him right in front of her eyes, she swore she was the only one who could see it as everyone else would brush it aside as possessiveness. No matter how many times Jessica would accuse Taemin of being more than a friend it would always lead to a screaming match and end with Jessica crying in Jonghyuns arms while he claimed Taemin was like a little brother. 

 

It seems she had the right to worry, as she strolled through his Instagram she could see dozens of selfies with Taemin, kissing his cheek, making hearts with their hands, wearing couple rings and just straight up kissing. She'd like to think Jonghyun never cheated on her but she was sure he wasted no time on moving on. He looked different too, good different. his brown hair traded in for platinum blond locks; his cheekbones were more defined as well as the rest of his body. Taemin also looked different, his long hair was cut short and dyed black, he still looked like a beautiful "" she cursed through her sobs as she came across a truly 'adorable' picture of Jonghyun seated in the dancer's lap. 

 

It wasn't as if Jessica was alone. She herself moved on rather quickly, she had Kris.

Kris was the first male model Jessica ever used for her designs. She planned they go out for a drink to discuss future contracts but ended up waking up in Kris's bed the next morning, they've been together ever since. Of course she loved Kris but it was a different kind of love compared to Jonghyun. Jonghyun was passionate (as most musicians were) while Kris was more comfortable. Jonghyun was a risk while Kris was safe. 

She had been with Kris for over a year and the two were planning on moving into an apartment in Hongdae. Jessica was happy or at least she thought she was. A group picture from a party where Jonghyun could be seen with his arms around Taemin sent her into a destructive spiral of drinking and crying all evening. She always wondered if he moved on and told herself she would be happy if he did but the actual proof that he had, opened wounds that she never intended to look back on. She wanted to hear his voice again, so desperately that she tuned into his radio show and was immediately hooked by the opening line of "this is blue night's Jonghyun" 

 

She didn't even notice the show ended until an unfamiliar voice of a different presenter was heard coming from her radio. She groaned in frustration and in her drunken loneliness she decided to call Jonghyun, yeah call him, good idea, call him to prove that you're over him and tell him how great you're doing without him. She picked up her phone and dialled the number she surprisingly remembered, dripping with confidence until it wasn't Jonghyun who picked up the phone. 

"Hello?" said a voice that was deeper than Jonghyun's; Taemin.

 

Jessica froze. "Um heelllooo, who is this?" Taemin asked.

"Where's J-Jonghyun?" Jessica stuttered trying to sober herself up. "Oh Yeah well he's just finishing up at the radio station, ha sometimes I forget this isn't my phone" there was that sweet voice that she hated "can I take a message? If you tell me your name I coul-" Jessica hung up and dropped her phone, not being able to listen to him anymore. 

 

She broke down again. . She actually missed Jonghyun, she missed his dumb voice, she missed his dumb face, she missed his dumb smile and she missed his dumb jokes. She just missed him but she couldn't have him because Taemin had him and even if he didn't, Jonghyun wouldn't want her anymore.  She couldn't tell what hurt more, her migraine or the fact that Jonghyun evidently wasn't afraid of commitment, just committing to her. 

 

She grabbed her phone again and called a different number. "Kris I need you! please!" She pleaded still sobbing and within ten minutes he was at her door and in her embrace. 

 

Jessica woke up, staring into a chest; she noticed the lack of a mole in the centre of the collarbones. This wasn't Jonghyun. she remembered the events of the night before and was immediately filled with regret "Good morning" Kris mumbled as he kissed the top of her head. "Good morning" Jessica sighed as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him closer. Her headache was agonising and was as dry as a desert but she was comfortable, here, with Kris. 

She wasn't sure why she was so affected by Jonghyun, he wasn't her first love and she wasn't his, they weren't soulmates and were obviously not meant to be but they were something, something that would be imprinted on her heart forever. It was true that her love with Kris was different from her love with Jonghyun but it was love none the less.