Jinwoo sneaked away to the gym of Winner's hotel for a secret late night practice session.  It was the only place in the building where Jinwoo could practice away from the  peering eyes of his worried bandmates and managers.  They simply didn't understand.  The others could get by with the current practice schedule for their ongoing Japanese tour.  Jinwoo on the other hand, needed these extra grueling hours to correct every mistake, to perfect every mediocre improvement.  The sweat dripping down his exhausted frame meant nothing if it wasn't met with results.  The mat-hyung didn't care if he was sick or stressed.  If he didn't keep up with such a demanding practice schedule, he would fall even further behind from his dongsaengs.

The singer paused only to wipe away the thick layer of condensation that smothered the wall of mirrors in the confined space.  He didn't need to look at his reflection to see the deep black circles  inked on pale graying skin nor did he need to see how his damp clothes hung baggier on his already thin frame. He just needed to continue practicing, and so he did.  Jinwoo walked back to the ipod dock to restart the song and got back into position.  He was too focused on the rhythm of the music and his movements to notice when four frantic bodies filed into the tiny room.  It took him a few moments to even realize that the music had stopped.  Panting, Jinwoo brought his hands to hips and remained faced away from his bandmates as he tried to prepare himself for the scolding he was going to get from practicing too much. 

"Jesus Christ, Hyung!" Seunghoon yelled like a mother bear, "We've been looking for your for over an hour! You almost gave me heart palpitations!"

Despiste his frazzled nerves at finding Jinwoo missing, Mino tried to bring up the anxious atmosphere.  "Yah, Jinu-hyung, the last time I saw Seunghoon-hyung this upset was when Lee Hee fell asleep in laundry room and he thought someone kidnapped her from ransom."  The rapper bounced on his feet nervously when no one, not even Jinwoo, laughed.

Taehyun observed Jinwoo's immobile frame with frustration. "Are you seriously not even going to give us an explanation?"  He huffed with agitation.  His sleep schedule was already volatile enough.  He didn't need to add panic over his vanishing hyung to the equation.  His care for Jinwoo quickly turned into anger.  "We were all worried sick about you and we don't need you falling over dead because you over exerted yourself!"

"Taehyun, that's enough." Seungyoon rubbed his tired face with his hands. "Jinwoo-hyung, I'm exhausted so I'll talk to you about this tomorrow.  Come on, let's go upstairs, rest, and get ready for our next show."

"Seungyoon-ah, I can't.  It's not that simple."  Jinwoo's voice warbled as he worried his already bruised lips with his teeth.  "You guys don't understand.  I... I ne--"  It was as if Jinwoo's brain had short-circuited. " I need to--"

"C'mon on Hyung, you're just tired."  The leader cut the mat-hyung off before he could finish his thought.  Seungyoon grabbed for Jinwoo's wrist only to have his arm be forcefully shoved away.  The leader recoiled his arm to his chest and held it with his other hand.  It was as if Seungyoon had been burned by Jinwoo's rejection.  Seunghoon, Mino, and Taehyun watched silently with bated breath.  Jinwoo had never been that agressive before.

Jinwoo's chest heaved and his jaw was clenched.  Something snapped in the mat-hyung.  He was tired of everyone telling him what to do, what to say, and pretending they knew how he felt.  He turned toward his tense dongsaengs and roared, "DON'T ING TELL ME HOW I AM!"  

The vicious shout reverberated against the walls, attacking their ears with a second blow.  Seungyoon, Mino, Seunghoon, and Taheyun all stood frozen.  It was as if Jinwoo's rageful cry had turned them into stone.  They had all joked that they had never seen Jinwoo angry, but now he was and it was terrifying.

"I have to work twice as hard to only get half the results!"  Jinwoo's hands formed tight fists as he began his tirade.  "And you know what?" Jinwoo paused and unleashed a humorless maniacal chuckle. "I don't even see why I practice so much.  It's not like I'm ever going to be taken seriously."

Seungyoon's faced softened at his longtime friend. "Hyung--"  

Jinwoo cut Seungyoon off with his hand, firmly commanding, "Silence."

The flood gates had opened and Jinwoo wasn't going to stop until he got everything off his chest.  "Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to practice day in and day out for years just to perform as someone else? I don't even get to be my ing self on stage! I always have to be the pretty girl and watch as all my bandmates who are younger than me, more talented than me, and will have longer careers than I will, get to actually show off their skills while I'm stuck in a dress and a pair of ing heels!" Jinwoo's voice cracked as his eyes turned glassy from frustrated tears.  Unyielding, he continued his painful rant.  "I know I've said everyone's dream has its own time, but I'm getting impatient and I can't afford to wait any longer! For 's sake! I'm going to be 25 and I still don't have anything to show for all those years I spent working myself to skin and ing bone!"

The other bowed their heads, unsure of what to do or say.  They could only stand there and watch as Jinwoo came apart at the seams.

Voice breaking, Jinwoo continued as tears streamed down his flushed cheeks.  "And the worst part is, I can never say any of this.  I have to keep it bottled up and pretend that there aren't days where I feel like I'm such a worthless burden to the team."   Jinwoo painfully rasped,  "I'm nothing.  I can't communicate in other languages, I can't compose, I can't dance, and I can't even sing that well.  What am I even good for?"   Jinwoo wiped his eyes with his hands finally looked into the somber red eyes of his dongsaengs.  "How can I even be a proper mat-hyung and take care of you when you're the ones that have to keep me together?"  

The question lay thick in the humid air.  Seunghoon couldn't stand watching Jinwoo, his rock at the corner of the sea, crumble apart any longer.  He shoved past s with giant steps so he could get to Jinwoo that much faster and envelope the man in a firm, warm, loving hug. Seunghoon unashamedly kissed the older man's temple before murmuring in his ear, "I know it's going to sound sounds ridiculous, especially after everything you've told us, but you have the most important job.  Hyung, you are our rock,  you keep us together.  Without you, we would fall to pieces.  Your time will come Hyung, I promise."  He kissed the older's temple again before lifting his head.  He motioned the others to join the melodramatic hug.  Slowly, Seungyoon, Mino, and Taehyun's arms wrapped around Jinwoo's fragile frame. 

 The mat-hyung let himself feel their love and warmth as he tired to pull himself out of the dark shadow of his emotions.  He exhaled and croaked out an appreciative, "Thank you."

"It's a good thing the gym doesn't have windows, because this would be weird as to explain to the hotel staff." Mino's muffled husky voice buzzed over the others.  The members exploded with laughter and the tension lifted.  

They soon left the gym as five.  Taehyun had Mino's left arm resting comfortably on his shoulder while Seungyoon's arm tangled with Mino's right.  The leader had his free arm wrapped around Jinwoo's waist, the older's hand on his.  Seunghoon's arm draped delicately over the mat-hyung's shoulders while Jinwoo rested his head against his shoulder, it's rightful place.  Jinwoo still felt wounded, but he felt like he was already beginning to heal.  He had four dongsaengs willing to drop everything just find him and make sure everything was okay.  He slowly thanked the universe, in detail, for every single one of them as they made their way to the hotel elevator.