Chanyeol opened his eyes as the door of the bedroom clicked shut. It sounded innocent, as if Kris was just getting up for a glass of water in the night, but Chanyeol knew that dehydration or anything of the sort was not the reason for that door closing.

It was two o'clock at night. The moonlight seeping through the blinds illuminated the stretch of empty bed beside him.

Chanyeol slid cold fingers over the spot that Kris had previously slept on. He could barely feel any warmth even though the other male had just climbed out of the bed seconds before. It was winter and the air was chilly, but Chanyeol felt a different kind of chill. It was as if there was a coldness radiating from within him. He felt like he was growing numb. He lay motionless for a few seconds, eyes staring bleakly into the space Kris had been lying next to him.

Wordlessly, Chanyeol sat up and slid out of bed, actions mirroring those of Kris’s. He dressed slowly, shrugging on a coat and  pulling a hat on his head. His actions were sluggish, looking almost reluctant and unwilling with their slowness. Standing there, under the cold light, anyone would have remarked that it was an accurate picture of a lonely man, of a thing left behind, struggling to catch up, distraught and discouraged.

His footsteps made no sound as he left the apartment but at the same time, each step was heavy, leaving behind a residual sadness.

Chanyeol’s breathes puffed in the wintry air. His sight was still directed towards the ground, he hadn’t looked up this entire time. He trudged alone in the darkness of the night with the light of street lamps reaching his back, looking for the world, like he had already walked many, many miles. Even though his face was cast into shadow, he gave off an air of haggardness, looking like he had done this a hundred times, each time more despairingly than the last.

He finally stopped at one building, in front of a window. At last, he lifted his head and it was immediately evident that maybe keeping his head down was the better choice. In his eyes, were the emotions of a thousand years of desolation in the reflections of the brightly coloured neon signs that adorned the building facade.

It was a bar.

His eyes seemed to follow the movements of a person indoors. Chanyeol made no movement to enter the bar, just stared vacantly into the window at someone inside.

It was Kris.

His behaviour so far told that he had done these things more than once. And it was true.

It used to happen once a month but now it happened almost every week.

Kris was speaking to someone inside the bar. They were seated at an isolated table, one in a corner, partially obscured by the bar, facing each other. With the dim lighting and drinks set out in front of them, it would seem to any outsider that the two men seated at the small table were enjoying a romantic and relaxed date. The couple were completely oblivious to the fact that there was someone watching them, instead, indulging in casual-looking conversation with an occasional laugh. They looked like they were having fun. Kris looked happy.

Chanyeol watched on.

The male seated opposite Kris was quite the beauty: small-framed, with glossy black hair, doe-like eyes and plump lips. Basically, he was everything Chanyeol was not.

Chanyeol watched as he delicately lifted his glass and brought it to his lips, taking a small sip. Chanyeol didn’t miss the way Kris’s eyes were glued to the smaller male’s lips.

When Kris reached forward and slid a hand along the smaller male’s jaw and started to lean forward, Chanyeol took a step back and pressed himself against the expanse of brick wall next to the window. Silent tears trailed down his cheeks, dripping off his chin and onto the cold ground.

He stays there and doesn’t look back into the window.

Instead, he digs in his pocket for his phone and dials a number.

Inside, Kris glances at his phone and immediately pales, frantically stabbing at a button and then composing himself quickly and turning back to his date.

Chanyeol drops his phone limply to his side.

Minutes later, the phone screen lights up with a notification of a text.

Hey baby, sorry I didn’t get your call. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake u. Out for a walk. Be back soon.

It was time to break up with Kris, Chanyeol knew very clearly. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Kris had been his everything for such a long time. Back then Chanyeol had lost so much and Kris had been more than just a band-aid, he had filled in the gaps in Chanyeol with parts of himself. Breaking away from Kris would be like tearing parts of his own heart out. Chanyeol didn’t know if he could survive that.

These were the same thoughts that Chanyeol deliberated through everytime he came out like this. And everytime, he would come to the same conclusion. He couldn’t do it.

He was always the one who depended. He depended on Kris. And Kris was the one who didn’t need him as much as Chanyeol did him, Kris was the one who could walk away of his own free will.

Kris had to be the one to break up with him.

But Chanyeol will always love him, that much he knew, there was just too much of Kris embedded in his heart. Even if Kris took those parts with him when he left, there will still remain faint traces encapsulated in the own parts of his heart.

Chanyeol smiles ruefully up at the starry sky and slides down the wall until he’s sitting on the ground. He could feel cold wetness seeping into his jeans, but he can’t bring himself to care.

I believe that love is giving a choice. I will wait for you to make your decision. I will wait forever...