Denial

He really has to stop doing this.

It is bad for him in every way possible, it affects him both physically and mentally, it affects his work and his social life. Yet, Bang Yongguk still finds himself starring at the bottom of his empty glass for the third time that night. At 10pm. On a freaking Wednesday. While ordering a new drink, he wonders when his life took this turn. Was it last month, when he didn't get the promotion he'd been working so hard to earn? Was it two years ago, when his wife left him for her boss? Or was it back in college, when he decided to listen to his father, and become a businessman, rather than following his dream of becoming a musician? Yongguk recons it must be a combination, as he gulps down half of his new drink and let his eyes roam the dancefloor.

Not in search of someone.

Certainly not.

And definitely not that one boy who is definitely not the main reason why he keeps coming back to this place, the reason why he is falling behind at work, and never gets enough sleep. All of this is caused by his poor life choices, and not that young man with the sparkling eyes and breathtaking smile. Not his angelic laugh, or his Adonis-like body and certainly NOT his dancing. It has nothing to do with the way he moves, like he was created to do only that, the way he is in complete control of every limb, moving like it's the only thing he ever does. And always with a passion so strong that Yongguk can feel it all the way across the room. He is NOT the reason behind his distress. Not at all.

Because Yongguk never lies awake at night, wondering what it would be like to have the boy in the bed beside him. He never imagines the smile above him, as the muscular arms holds him, and the talented hips work their magic. 

Not at all.

Never.

No.

But he keeps coming back.

His eyes keep searching the crowd of dancing bodies as he orders his fifth drink that night. The bartender gives him a concerned look as he accepts the money, but he doesn't say anything. Yongguk is grateful. He knows he's too old to be here right now. He should be at home, finishing up some of the work he's been neglecting, or try to get some sleep, since he has an important meeting tomorrow. It's a goddamned Wednesday for Christ sake! Even if he was looking for the boy (which he is NOT) he would never be stupid enough to go to a bar on a freaking Wednesday! The boy is young enough to still be in college, and he probably has to go to classes the next day. Yongguk feels old and gross and stupid and in every way like a erted old man, as he downs his drink, and gets up to leave.

That's when he hears it. That beautiful, angelic laughter, the one he adores and detests, and he turns around to see the definition of perfection sitting at a table with a bunch of unimportant peasants, laughing without a care in the world. Yongguk wills his heart to stop trying to break through his ribcage as he sits back down, clutching his now empty glass in his hands. There is no way in hell he's leaving now. Though he might as well, since he knows exactly what's going to happen.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

He's going to sit here and be creepy, starring from a distance. Maybe he'll move closer, so he can listen to their conversation, or maybe he'll conveniently need to use the bathroom at the same time as the boy, just so he can look at him up close without it being too weird. But chances are he'll sit and stare and hate himself until the handsome young man decides to call it a night. Then he'll go home to his empty apartment, hate himself some more, wail in self-pity, and go to sleep hoping that tomorrow something, anything will happen.

Something to get him out of his misery.

But it never does.

Until…

"Two bottles of soju, please." Yongguk freezes. Even though he hasn't heard the voice that many times before, he recognizes it. He can practically hear the smile. Slowly and as subtly as possible Yongguk turns his head, and there he is. All smiles and handsomeness and Yongguk can't breathe. He is right beside him! Then he turns his head, and suddenly the traffic-stopping smile is directed at Yongguk, who immediately turns his attention to the empty glass in his hand, as his mind breaks out in civil war:

Talk to him you ing idiot!

no! He saw me looking, he thinks I'm a creepy old man!

But he SMILED at me! Gaah he's so handsome!

Oh god, stop and get out of here you gross human being.

But before Yongguk even as much as regains his ability to breathe, the boy talks.

To him.

"Hey, I see you here a lot. You sit here almost every night, don't you?" Yongguk hears his mouth answer "yeah, I do. Not something I'm proud of" before his brain can register who asked him that. He is baffled at his own conversation skills. He didn't even stutter. Before he realizes that the brief exchange of words can't be described as a conversation, the boy answers him; "well, you shouldn't be ashamed either. Judging by the fancy suit, you have a pretty important job, so I suppose you have every right to let loose after a long day." Yongguk is baffled once more. Not only is this now officially a conversation with his crush (no, not his crush! A random boy he has NOT been stalking), he also never thought that he might not look like a pathetic old man in other people’s eyes, but instead a hard working businessman relieving stress after a long day at work.

That might be a good thing.

"I suppose you're right" he answers, and lets himself meet the boy's eyes. God they're amazing. The angelic smile widens, and the boy says "I'm Jongup. Nice to finally meet you". "Bang Yongguk" he answers, and shakes the other's outstretched hand. It's soft and warm. The boy – Jongup – chuckles. "So formal." Yongguk didn't see anything formal in his name, but maybe it was his tone of voice? And is it just something in his head, or did Jongup hold onto his hand a little longer than necessary? Somehow he managed to answer with a "guess it comes with the job" and a small smile. He always refrained himself from talking to the boy, because he was afraid he would say something stupid, but for some reason it's really easy. Everything about Jongup makes him relax, from the way he's sitting to his constant smile. He has an aura of safety and comfort. Yongguk also notices that the opposing parties of the civil war in his mind have come to a temporary ceasefire. "Interesting, what kind of job?" Jongup says, and he seems genuinely interested. "Eh well, it's not that exciting, but..." "HEY PUPPIE! Get over here with our drinks already!" they both look to Jongup's friends, and a very pretty girl with long hair is waving enthusiastically at him.

Yongguk does not hate her.

He does not.

"Oh right" Jongup exclaims as he gathers the bottles and sends Yongguk an apologetic smile.

Yongguk does not swoon inwardly.

He does not.

"Sorry, I gotta get back. See you around Bang Yongguk" another breathtaking smile, and he's gone.

Yongguk does not hate the pretty, waving girl.

He might mildly despise her though...

*~*

Yongguk should not go back to the bar. He decides that now, he has talked to that (completely random and not at all important) boy, and he even knows his name, so he got what he came for. He can now go on with his life, focus on his job, and spend the nights sleeping instead of drinking.

This new lifestyle last all of two days. And the fact that he is now back on the same stool, ordering the same drink has nothing to do with how Jongup’s voice saying his name haunts his dreams. It does not.

The bar is a lot more crowded Saturday night, for some really odd reason. This is both good and bad. Good, because Yongguk feels less like a lonely looser when he is not the only one ordering drinks, and bad, because he will never be able to spot Jongup in the mass of people. Not that he came to see him or anything. He just felt like a drink on this Saturday night.

Yeah…

Yongguk stares at the dancing horde, and thinks about joining them. He’d never do it, of course, but what if he did? But he can’t dance. But what if Jongup is out there? He is. Right there. Suddenly, as someone unimportant moves aside, he sees his angel on the dancefloor, moving like he owns the place. His tall, curly haired friend is with him, and even though he’s great too, he’ll never get on Jongup’s level. Feeling hypnotized, Yongguk stares at the young man, and wants, more than he’s ever wanted before. For some reason he feels like he knows the boy now, and because of that he feels like he can get closer to him, maybe even get to touch him, hold him, kiss… somebody blocks his view, and Yongguk snaps out of it. What the hell was that? He’s not gay! He’s not! He doesn’t want! He doesn’t! He…

“Hi there Bang Yongguk!” Oh please no. Not right now! Yongguk slowly looks up, and find the object of his desire right in front of him, smiling happily, as if he didn’t just almost blow Yongguk’s perfectly well-kept cover.

He does not like men.

Not at all.

No.

For some reason he answers with a “hey there Jongup, I just realized I never got your surname?” and then they talk. Easy as that. They talk all night. He knows that he shouldn’t, but he can’t help it. It feels so right.

He learns that Jongup loves the color blue, danced before he could walk and is always smiling, even though he doesn’t always know why. Apparently he’s a little shy about this, because people find it weird. Yongguk finds it perfect. He in turn tells Jongup about his work, his awesome new shoes, and his divorce.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry to hear that”

“Nah it’s okay, I’m over it” Yongguk says as he stirs his drink. “Really? It doesn’t seem like it” But Jongup’s voice isn’t sarcastic or accusing. It’s just concerned. And when Yongguk looks up and into his eyes it’s like a dam breaks and everything just spills. Everything he has wanted to talk to somebody about for so long, but never has, because he has nobody.

Nobody has ever asked.

Nobody ever listened.

But for some reason Jongup does. He listens through the whole story of how Yongguk met this woman, and even though he never really loved her, and saw her more as a close friend than an actual girlfriend, everybody just expected them to get together. He doesn’t interrupt, and only encourages Yongguk to go on, when he hesitates to elaborate on how they got married. Eventually the story of how she overheard his father trying to convince him to marry her, and her misunderstanding it as him actually wanting to marry her got out. How he didn’t deny it. How he silently went through with it, because he didn’t know what else to do. How, after two years of him neglecting her, she finally realized something was wrong.

“And then the rest is history” Yongguk says, as he tries to remember why he was telling Jongup all of this. Jongup looks thoughtful for a moment, then he asks “why didn’t you love her?”

Yongguk stared. Of all the questions Jongup could have asked, that wasn’t what he had expected. “Uhm I… She just wasn’t my type?”

“But you married her! There must have been something bigger than her not being your type?” He is not right. He did not hit the nail right on the head. There was nothing else wrong with her. She wasn’t of the wrong gender, she just wasn’t his type. That’s it.

But…

Jongup is so sincere. He is not judging, he is curious. And then that godforsaken half-smile lingering on his lips, practically pulling the answer out of Yongguk.

“I couldn’t take care of her. I did want to, I just couldn’t.”

“Why?” Why does he want to know? Why does Yongguk want to answer?

“I just… couldn’t treat her like I was supposed to, I… couldn’t hold her at night, couldn’t comfort her… I wasn’t strong enough. I can’t take care of others I… I need someone to take care of me.” Yongguk has dreaded the moment somebody would find out about his secret his entire life, but… for some reason… The way Jongup is looking at him, the way he practically pulled the confession out of Yongguk with just one single word, and his understanding smile makes all those years of fear seem pointless. And when Jongup places a hand over Yongguk’s and gives a comforting squeeze, he knows that everything is going to be okay.

“I could take care of you” As Jongup says this, the world seems to fade away. Everything Yongguk has ever dreamed of is sitting right in front of him and offering itself to him. Suddenly nothing else matters. Every carefully locked away feeling is let loose as he practically throws himself into Jongup’s lap. Every time he pretended to be strong and manly for the sake of no one getting suspicious is forgotten as Jongup catches him, strong arms wrapping around his body. And his life changes the moment Jongup claims his lips because Yongguk will never let this feeling go. This amazing feeling of flying though the sky and wanting to laugh and cry at the same time and he curses himself for denying this feeling for so long.

Because he is gay.

He does find Jongup very attractive.

He has been coming to this bar to stare at him for weeks, and he is overjoyed at finally being noticed by his crush.

As they part and Jongup looks at him with sparkling eyes, telling him that he has a beautiful smile and that he should smile more often, Yongguk has never been happier. And as they leave hand in hand, he realizes that he doesn’t even care what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Come what may.

He is finally happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah... This happened... Because too many Puppie gifs on tumblr and too little vulnerable Yongguk on aff. 

But yeah, tell me what you think please? I'm actually quite proud of it to be honest... Especially because I wrote it at like, 3 am...

Let's end with a few more Puppie gifs to make everyone happy, yeah? ^_^

feat. BYG ^_^

**CREDIT TO CREATIVE PEOPLE ON TUMBLR WHO IS DEFFINATLY NOT ME BC I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO MEKE GIFS I just steal them and faint ._.