The first time Jonghyun saw her, he smiled, and not just because of the nervousness thrumming through his body. She was crouching in an attempt to hide while standing right in front of him. So obvious, how cute he thought to himself.

And so began the show. Jonghyun was quiet, observing the eccentricity that was Yura. To him, Yura looks so much like a child. She smiles brightly, laughs loudly, does aegyo as if she was born to do it. She's completely carefree and a bit clumsy. And yet, she carries herself in such a way, uninhibitedly, with steel in her eyes, that makes him think twice about her. She's dazzling, almost radiant. How can someone like her exist? he thinks. Jonghyun feels stunned, as if he got a blow to the head.
Jonghyun's affection for Yura grew in incriments. Slowly but surely they were getting closer. It seemed she really knew how to approach him. But he still felt stuck, a litte lost. So he tried to bridge that gap the only way he knew how, by caring for her the best he could. And that seemed to be enough. Yura was so easily pleased, so understanding. Jonghyun felt thankful for her everyday.

["firstly, I like her bright attitude the most. She's kind of careless... well a lot" Jonghyun ignored Yura's little "I'm not..." and continued " Because of that I think I started taking care of her naturally... But I don't mind it" he finished with a small smile.
"Woah, he was quite serious about his answer"]

It happens without his notice. "Jjong oppa!" Yura calls loudly from her position in front of the tv "Should we get something to eat? I'm hungry!" and Jonghyun takes a moment for himself. There was nothing special about it that gave him pause. It was just another day, nothing out of the ordinary yet he hadn't noticed how at ease he felt, the foreign feeling gone. It was like he was just at home. This felt like home.
They walk to the store, Yura mumbling a list of food they had to get, and Jonghyun can't wipe the goofy grin off his face.

---
Yura came into his life like a storm, taking him completely by surprise, making it so he was powerless against and able to see nothing but her. He felt like a different man.
Joking around with Yura felt freeing. It was another barrier between them taken down. What delighted him the most was Yura's reactions; a raise of eyebrows in surprise, her booming laughter (the best sound in the world), eyes sparkling as she joked back. He felt euphoric that he managed to catch Yura off guard too.

Jonghyun liked walking by her side. And if he wasn't, he was constantly looking over his shoulder to check if she was alright. Yura was so clumsy that it wasn't even funny. It was that little bout of panic that he wouldn't get used to no matter how many times it happened.
When she says "It's going to be nice when we'll get to be like this without all these cameras around", Jonghyun feels the first whispers of unease coil in his mind. After... Is there an after for us?

Perhaps one reason for how guarded he was was because he knew it wouldn't last for long. Both of them were on a show. Others wanted them to get along and they did (but that would've happened anyway; Yura was so easy to get along with). Skinship though was difficult, for the both of them because of her unexpected shyness and his quiet nature.
And it was hard, because everything that he did, he did seriously. He really couldn't do or say anything when he didn't mean it. Once he crossed that line, there was no return for him. Even if he had feelings for Yura, dreamed of her, yearned for her touch, it would all fall apart when they had to part, when the show would end.
"The world is a rough place" Jonghyun had told her once. And a part of him thinks they would not last. He loathed those thoughts with every fiber of his being.
He was falling for her, and time was running out.

["Do you like lively type of person?" He asked her. She nodded earnestly in response, eyes lit up. "Then find someone like that!". Her only response at this was to giggle adorably. Somehow he had managed to sound mock angry and half jokingly. But he felt his heart grow just that little bit heavier]
--
"Are you asking me to shake my now" He asked, bewildered. There he was, getting bullied by the four girls in the girls day practice room. "Oppa! Isn't Yura performing troublemaker with you?" "Oh! Try it! You just have to stand there" They cried. And all of a sudden he regretted everything. He was so flustered, he couldn't do anything except stand and watch Yura try her best despite the embarassing situation. He liked it though, and the girls saw it too. "Oppa don't you think it's better you do this yourself?" "Yeah! Are you okay with another man dancing with Yura?". He sighed.
It was awkward as the other guy walked into the room. As the beat started, Jonghyun smiled at Yura, more for her benefit than his. But as he watched, his smile shrunk of his own accord. Yura was really good of course, and not a bit awkward with this guy he didn't know. Jonghyun fumed as he thought of all the time those two must've spent together to perfect the dance. Agitated, he didn't know what to curse more; his inability to dance or his extreme self consciousness around things he didn't know. Most of all, he cursed his wretched schedual which kept him from even trying this dance with Yura. No matter how uncomfortable he felt, Yura had no idea what Jonghyun was willing to try for her.
--
"When was the last time you felt your heart flutter because of Yura? You know, that one point that makes you fall in love?"
"I can't quite remember but that day we were filming and I just saw her and that day something felt different"
Loud exclaims of "What the-" and "Kid with no charms" sprung up and Jonghyun himself felt surprised by his own words. That wasn't what he had wanted to say at all. However he hadn't wanted to say something cheesy and cliche as "Maybe it had been from the first moment I saw her" but honestly he thought he felt that way... He was attracted to her before he liked her, admired her before he even knew her and he tried ways to make her laugh because she had an enchanting smile he couldn't get enough of. Jonghyun had always claimed that his ideal type was someone cheerful and bright, his complete opposite. And from their first meeting was obvious that they were poles apart in their personalities. She was the one making all the effort with conversation and smiling kindly to ease his discomfort when she herself must've felt awkward too.
Jonghyun really found a bride in her that day. Thinking about it now, he was glad that the producers had them marry early on despite the awkwardness, because even after spending all this time together he was still hopeless at conveying his feelings. So how would he have proposed?
--
The huge crowd of fans roared wildly the names of all four girls, however Jonghyun was oblivious to all this, fixated on his wife. Under the bright lights, she looked absolutely beautiful and so charismatic. Suddenly, the anticipation to see her became stronger. She's really talented, he thinks to himself, recalling all that she'd done; the food CFs, her rapping, the time they were on the radio and especially her drawing of him. He could only think of one thing as he joined in on the fanchants with the crowd; he couldn't wait to tell her how proud he is of her.
--
Even though the contrast in their personalities was more than evident, when it came to the important things, both of them connected. Everytime it happened, it felt like there was just them two. It felt like a gift, a very welcomed one.
Somehow they came across the topic of first loves, which of course made them pause a little in awkwardness. He didn't want her to get mad at him, even if she looked cute when jealous. "Honestly though, these things don't matter to me. I think the present is more important." Yura said, and their eyes met in silent agreement. 
With her, Jonghyun found himself saying stuff he wouldn't have told anyone else. Not even his best friends. It was the... "Yin-Yang harmony thing between us" He accidentally thought out loud, interrupting Yura mid sentence. She just stared at him wide eyed in silence for a moment. And then "You're a genius" she said, shaking her head slightly. 

["I don't really talk about myself with others"
"Don't you feel frustrated? Doesn't it feel better to let it all out? I've always expressed myyself since I was young. I told my stories."
"I'm envious of those kind of people."]

He felt just as comfy in their car as he did in their house ("our house" it has such nice ring to it). Yura was improving in her driving, which made her eager to keep doing it. Right now, they were trading stories over what others reaction to our wgm was. "People keep telling me I'm liking it too much. What about you, oppa?" 
"Ah they were the same but in the beginning when we weren't close and I was really shy and quiet so people misunderstood and said I was like an iron wall. They told me to treat you well"
"But you already do! No one treats me better than you do" she laughed "And anyways, you weren't being an iron wall, it's just your personality, isn't it?"
Jonghyun felt his face grow hot at her praise. "People have to get to know me better to realise but that's what I come off as"
"But it's your personality, what can people do about it, right?" she said. He couldn't help but smile when he noticed she sounded irritated on his behalf. 
He felt surprised tho. "You're understanding about it" He smiled even wider.
"Look at you, your face is blooming!" she laughed. After a pause, she said "Of course, it should be something we should be understanding about"
Jonghyun felt so much gratitude in that moment that he felt like his chest would burst with the feeling. All that came out of his mouth was a "Thank you", warmth fluttering within him like a butterfly.
--
"Ah! Look at all the stars tonight!" Yura excalimed, looking upwards appreciatively. "You feel happier just by looking at the stars?" he asked her. "Don't you?" "Never really thought much about it" he replied, laying down next to her.
"How big it is... Do you ever wonder if someone's out there? I mean there has to be, right?" she said, out of the blue. "Oooh.. So Yura has thoughts like these too?" he tried to . "Of course! You don't think I have concerns of my own too?" he turned to see her pouting. "It's beautiful out here" he said, looking at her, engrossed.
A quiet moment. And then- "What do you think about the moon?". Sighing, he turned to look back at the sky. "It's big" he remarked, off handedly. "I want to eat it" Yura said, much to his amusement. "You always think about food" he grinned at her. "Are you calling me fat?" she joked, shoving him playfully. 
It felt nice, meaningless conversations with someone in the dark. Their laughter filled the silence as they appreciated the scenery from the rooftop. "I want it to always be like this" Yura said first. "Me too" 
Yura frowned, as if she too heard the ticking of the invisible clock hanging over their heads.
What if...
--
"What is this? No! My bed" Yura's cries seemed to echo through their empty house. No no no. Already? It's ending this quickly?
"Jonghyun and Yura, your fake marriage has ended..." Yura read the mission card. "Oh already? It doesn't seem real" Still Jonghyun spoke nothing. "Well, I think we should make the most of our last day" she said, getting up. "Should we pack each others things? That would be more fun, right?"
If there's a beginning then there's also an end, he'd thought in one of his more optimistic moments. And even though it was too soon for him (it would always be too soon), he wanted to let her go coolly. His limbs felt too heavy, his throat clogged with unsaid words and too many feelings, Jonghyun got up to assist her.
The atmosphere in the room was bordering on morose as they went around the small house abundant with memories, brooding in silence. He wished the producers had clued them in a little atleast. 

As they settled down again, Jonghyun thought of a question. "What do you remember the most?" Finally, they made eye contact. Yura's shoulders were stiff, her eyes just a bit teary. She said nothing for a moment, and Jonghyun felt a wave of such terrible sorrow pass through him that his bones ached with it. "We... We had fun in the water a lot, didn't we? At all our trips. I remember it all." She replied, finally.
"I remember our first meeting" he said. That had been the start so of course. And so they recounted their stories, one by one, disheartened. "Ah, I still can't believe it" Yura sighed out.

Panic stricken by the thought of leaving, he finally pushed the words out of his mouth. "I thought about it a lot and... I'm so thankful to you. You're a lot livelier than me, it mustv'e been hard on you to deal with me since I'm so quiet"
"No not at all" she paused. "Well, maybe in the beginning" she smiled. "Well, atleast you can say it now" he smiled back.
Abruptly she said "We make a pretty picture" Jonghyun snorted at her words. "Whaat? We do! And we had good chemistry!" Please stop talking in past tense, he silently begged her. What happened to 'I think the present is more important?" 
He tried to swallow the regret down. "What do you feel sorry for?" he asked instead. 
"Well I know what you're like but I still forced you to do things you didn't like for me"
"It's okay. I think I'm a lot brighter now because of you. We had a good laugh, it was fun" Despite his comforting words, her smile looked sad. He looked down to re-read the last letter she wrote behind her drawing. He  looked back at her.
"Thank you Ah Young-ah"
She leaned against him. And there they sat, watching the sky cry, as the show staff started to gather their stuff and end everything around them.

["Did you mean it?"
"What?"
"Lets get together for some soju"
"Of course I did" 
(a smile shared like a secret between us)]

She left first on their last day. And Jonghyun did not watch her leave.
--

"Oppa?" I asked nervously into the phone. Sure we're not supposed to do this but...
"Ah Young-ah?" I couldn't help but smile when I heard his voice. "Where are you?"
"That ddeokbokki place in front of my studio..."
"I'll be there in a bit. Wait for me"
"Of course. See you"
If theres a beginning, there also has to be an end. But it is not now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so um yeah i think youre gonna have to use the wish coupon thing, mehwi. but happy birthday! sorry this was a bit late...

This was fun to write at times, but mostly i just wanted to bang my head against the wall with how frustrated i was, especially with the ending; it was rushed. honestly, this is about 2.5 k word vomit of yura praise. i absolutely did not make it obvious how much of  a crush i have on her lol. apologies for bleeding too much of my own personality into jonghyun's. this wasn't good um yeah

title inspired by this thing:

"look at the light through the windowpane. that means its noon, that means we're inconsolable. tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us. these, our bodies, possesed by light. tell me we'll never get used to it." (crush, richard siken)

[ fangirl about jjongah with me on my tumblr :D ]