https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x82umiCMlgE - Bumper Cars by Alex & Sierra

Bumper Cars

The more I try to get to you

The more we crash apart

Round and round we chase the sparks

But all that seems to lead to

Is a pile of broken parts

And finally, we are broken apart.

I’m sorry for not trying earlier. If I had, things wouldn’t come to this.

Two years ago, I met you. You were an immature boy and I was a girl with nothing but flaws. Bet you thought I did not know about your existence, didn’t you? Well, you’re wrong. I knew about your existence even before I met you. How? You were my friend’s ex-boyfriend and we were in the same language class, sitting next to each other. A few months later, we ended up in the same class. We started talking and texting. It all started with such innocence, such clarity. Soon, you told me that you’re having a crush on one of the girls in our batch. During that time, nothing hit me, yet. I pestered you to tell me about the girl that you’re crushing on. You gave me hints about the girl so that I can work on my guesses. You told my best friend who the girl was and I was annoyed. Annoyed that you chose not to tell me and thought that you didn’t treat me wholeheartedly as a friend.

One day, before our extracurricular activities, our clique including my crush at that time were sitting in a classroom chatting. We started talking about your crush and they bugged you to tell them who the girl was. You told them to get out of the class so as not to let me hear. By that time, I was beyond angry and frustrated. I gave you a cold shoulder and that was when you stopped joking around and said, “Alright, I’m sorry. I’ll let you know now. Give me a paper and pen.” I ignored you and proceeded to pack my things as I was running late for my activity. My crush told me to let him know once I know. I nodded at him and bade him goodbye while I rush off to my activity. You texted me that night and apologised to me. I accepted and apologised as well. We made up. You told me who the girl was and I was excited as I promised to bring the two of you together. However, I was soon swept over with a wave of futile rage when I found out that you lied to me. My best friend calmed me by telling me that you had your own personal reasons for not telling me. I understood the situation and made up with you, again.

A day before my birthday, you wished me over a text. On my birthday, I was given a surprised from my clique. My best friend gave me two birthday presents, one from her and another from you. There was a note attached to your present. I opened it and was partially-shocked. Partially because I already somehow knew about your feelings to me. I’m not that oblivious. However, I was scared as I wondered what would happen to our friendship. We became awkward towards each other and that was what I was afraid of. Our friends asked me what I think of you and what feelings do I have of you. I responded that you are a really nice friend but one thing about you is that you’re too flirty which made you ambiguous. Apparently, they told you about it and after a few months, I saw a change in you. You changed for the better. I was touched by your actions and my feelings towards you started to change. However, my feelings for my ex-crush was still lingering. I know, I’m a . I just couldn’t let go of my 5 year-old feelings for him.

Things got better the next year. You were arranged to sit behind me in class and this made it inevitable for us not to interact. We stopped avoiding each other but things were still awkward. However, we texted a lot more. We talked about how your holiday went and the recent songs we played on the piano and guitar. We both introduced songs to each other so that we can share our playing. You shared with me “Endless Love” while I shared “Miracles of December”.

 It was my birthday again. That year, you gave me the presents personally and I was touched with your efforts. My feelings for my crush was starting to fade as something happened which made me give up on it. Besides that, my friends also told me that they saw you playing the school piano and you told them that you wanted to play that song for me on my birthday. I started to develop more feelings for you but I was afraid.

After we graduated, we had a long break and I was given the time to sort out my feelings. Guessed it was fate, we went to the same school, just different courses. I told myself that I will try this year. When school started, I saw you and you changed so much. You became a lot more matured. However, you always walk pass me without greeting even though you saw me. I was curious so I made the first move by texting you (the last time we texted was way before we graduated) asking why you didn’t say hi. You said you were rushing off and started asking how I was doing. We chatted. I was happy that we are talking again.

I started seeing you with a girl and I wondered if you’ve moved on. The more I think about it, the more selfish I think I am. I started to wonder if you still have feelings for me. I then decided to use my birthday as a benchmark. If I receive a present from you on my birthday, I’ll treat it as you still have feelings for me and I will put in efforts and try. What an idiotic way to confirm. On my birthday, you gave me my present outside my classroom. Needless to say, I was beyond happy to the extent whereby I had a smile planted on my face for the entire day. After the lesson, I was surprised by my friends right at the entrance of the school. I was curious about how you know about my classroom as you do not have my timetable. I then asked my friends if any of them told you about my classroom location but was told that nobody informed you. I decided to ask my best friend who was unable to make it for the surprise and she accidentally told me that they had a group chat. My heart sank because that meant something. You were pressured and forced. All I could feel at that moment was frustration, regrets and guilt. Why did they have to remind you about my birthday? Why did I decide to try when it’s all too late? I hardheartedly decided that I will stop trying and just let it go, let you go. I hope I made the right decision.

Now, we’re just tainted beings.

Hey you,

stay the way you are right now. I’ve seen you smile so frequently this year, stay happy. I’ve seen you with more than enough female friends around you, hope one of them will be better than me and that one of them would be the right one for you. Thanks for everything that you’ve done for me, really. You’re such a great person. Let no one crush your dreams or yourself. You made me realise that time is precious. Cherish before it’s gone. Thanks for this important lesson, I’ve learnt it the hard way. Sorry if I’ve caused you pain. Goodbye and let’s hope that we will not see each other ever again.