i don’t know if i am dying i don’t know if i’m already dead. it feels like i am just existing but i know i am dreaming they say when you are dyeing or close to death you see the important parts of your life flash in you eyes thats probly why i am seeing instead of hearing . my ear’s are mute but the sean has replayed in my memory repeatedly i could recite the words of evey person in it by heart. the place where i sit is home but soon to be a burial ground i play with toys that have long faded with my childhood of five year old. the black and white titles support me and the secrets of the house that i could never again call home.

my mother stands in  the kitchen lost in the dinner she was making , the spoon whisking away at whatever concoction she had created  the sound of her spoon scraping the side of the bowl are as clear as the water mother was now using to clean her cutting knife though i wasn’t sure if her whole focus was on the task at hand. her movements slurred as he continued with heavy thought’s on her mind until she completely came to a hult. she settled the knife on  the counter with the many cooking utensils beside her and rested her hands on the edge and hung her head low i can’t hear but her sigh is prominent in my mind  the side of her smooth skin was constructed in  pain but when she turned to face me  the veil of sweet hid her true emotions she always showed me her love instead of giving me the same hurt that she experienced every day but i knew her heart hurt from my father, so many times he came home the shadow of drunk behind him. mother was abused so many times in his state of lost and yet knowing the pain a head she did it, she stayed with him getting him to bed, feeding him, but eventually the human heart can only take so much suffering. so when my father came home with his new wife , my mother stood in silence and the witch stood tall and proud that she was tearing apart my family but  my mother had no tears to fall onto the floor that she cleaned for so many year, she didn’t yell in the house she kept quite so her husband could work in peace, she didn’t hit the man she loved, she stayed through his better and her worse she just stood still as my father told her how she’d be leaving the only home she had after ignoring her families many warnings that she was marrying an untrusting  man, how she be leaving all her belongings, how she'd be signing over her only son. my father turned his back to the only woman that could ever love a man like him but that was where he was wrong the moment he turned my mother picked up a knife, with a blank gaze she stepped forward pulling her hand up then raising it high above her head she stald like the conscious in her mind told her to stop she looked at me  with the one tear she would only shed for me a peace offer a final farewell. i always believed that when she charged at her husband that his next movements were predicted she charging at him he snatching the knife,her willingness in letting it go, him filling with rage, she just standing waiting to be killed be the only man that she loved. By his hands she was glad to die because for this man she gave everything up: her family, friends, the freedom to rome. knowing if she let him go she’d be lost i don’t know why the memory didn’t erase like i wanted, but with each night i grew to hate that man and his , so when he died the only regret i had was that it wasn’t by my hands.

in pure curiosity a young boy leaned close into another's peaceful face questioning if the other would ever wake up anytime soon.

“what are you doing?” a tall brunette asked walking into the white walled room  papers in hand .

“ didn’t you hear his name?”

“taemin not this again” taemin grunts the curious younger leans up  walking over to older snatching the papers from his hands.

“he looks like his father”

“you say that about all of them” minho said ignoring that fact taemin just took the stack from his hands.

“his profile says his father is dead” minho walked over to taemin and santeched the infromation from his hands.

“hay”

“tae, i don’t think you understand, we have a captive that we weren't hired to take, oh and which by the way he has seen us” the younger pouted

“but you jonghyun hyung and key hyung told me i could”

“yes we did, but i also said that the mission comes first, you could have put the us in danger”

“ i though we lived for the danger, or am i mistaken” taemin plops down head hung low his hair covered the his eyes.

minho see's the younger’s good diminish as he went to sit in the corner chair, he sighs and lays the paper down on the white desk and steps to reach for tameins shoulder but halts when the sliding of door catch his ears.

“what the hell” a short commander walks in with quadrants captain, minho jumps by the loud voice intrusion in the quiet room.

“ummm…..we-”

“Minho brought a none target to the headquarters even though i told him it was bad idea” the younger stands and brushed past the stunned older looking at to the two eldest with disappointment in his eyes but quickly changes to an evil glint when facing minho being sure that his captain and commander doesn't see the deceit on his face.  

“you little- no i didn't “ he said more to taemin then to his superiors “ you asked me to and tell them why” taemin went mute

“i….i thought he had something to do with……” the name of the older was hard to even think let alone say “hyung” he looks to jong more than at key “ i can  feel it,he has to be him, so please” jong looked at the head of the group of the unknown answer in his eyes. key walked over and rested a hand on taemin shoulder with a light squeeze the little touch gave taemin reassurance but the heavy sigh key released taemin knew the answer he jerked his shoulder from the others grip.

“i don’t want to hear you answer unless it's a yes” his flat tone made key remember what taemin sounded like when he was first asked to rejoin his division.

flashback

Nine months had passed each day the clock ticked to confirm that his death was real

each day taemin took it slow retuning back to how it used to be  eating, leaving his room studying for his classes that the agency provided, even him talking was a struggle to get him to do there was a select few that he even talked to that consisted of key, minho and jonghyun.

he used words of yes and no and a shrug here and there it’s not that others didn’t try to talk to him it that they never new if was the right time or what to say so most just let him be. key would be the one to ignite his whole by waking him up and helping him with his studies and walking with him on the agency grounds.

so just like any other day key walked into the the room to see a sleeping lump under a messy bundle of sheets.

“taemin wake up” the younger gave a grown

“five more minutes” his voice was muffled because of his covered immersed head.

“no now” key walked over to the curtains and pulled them open

“.....” him not reply indicated he fell back to sleep or he was just flat out ignoring key

“wake your up”

the bundle moved to sit up and hissed as the light hit his face

“you have an important day” still he say’s nothing key walked over to sit on taemin's bed

“mrs. Soyoung wants to talk to you about something important so hurry and get dressed

the younger lulled his legs of the side of the edge of the bed he raised his arm to stretch high above his head his tank rising with him revealing a bit of his stomach he leaned to the bedside table to check his phone no messages he turned to face key.

“good morning’ a small smile appeared on his face

“didn’t you hear me mrs. soyoung wants to see you in the meeting room”

“why?”

“that’s just something you have to figure out for yourself” he shook his head and stood walking over to his dresser and pulled out and white t-shirt and black skinnies to replace his gray sweatpants dressing himself up he looked for shoes he put those on all while key looked at him shocked

“i’m ready”

“like hell you are, go take a shower”  the younger groaned

“but why?,if i don’t know why i’m seeing her how am i supposed to know what i should look like? ” key laughed at his cuteness that cracked open from his usual cloud of gray

“just do it” taemin left toward the shower leaving key to sit smiling to himself it was rare to have taemin act like he used to usually he didn’t even say good morning let alone give a reason why he should take a shower. he missed mornings like this

5 min later

as the walked down the hall a few people waved good morning to them taemin actually replying with a hi or a wave

“what has you in a good mode”

“hum?, what do you mean”

“you seem happy”

“oh, i guess i guess i am” the other walked faster and leaving key with relief in his mind

has he finally gotten over jinki?

“uhh key where are you going is this not where she is?”

“huh, oh yeah just lost in my train of thought”

“are you coming in”

“nop she gave specific instructions only one but i will be waiting right here when you come out”   

“okay” the younger disappears behind the metal black door.when taemin enters the room mrs. soyoung sat at the head of the table with two paper in front of her

“hello taemin” he bowed

“hum, did i do something wrong?”

“nope, i just need to ask you opinion on something, well actually a decision”

“okay” he sat on the right side of the large table in the closet chair to hers, his eyes spotted to turned over papers.

“tamein” she says facing him “  i am so proud of you”

“b..buy why?”

“i just thought  you should know that” she smiled making taemin fill with warmth “ i need you to choose between these two papers” he looked down “one is a school transcript the other is you assassins code contract now both will benefit you future but it you choice you can go to any school of your choosing while still keeping contact with us here at the agency you’d be living in a dorm by yourself with full privacy or you can renew you contact with company i need to know what you choose with i support you on the decision that you make and so do your friends.”

“no” his voice flat “i don’t want either, i just want to stay here i don’t want to go to another school and i don’t want to be an assassin again i con’t i won't”

“understand tamein” she took his hands that were balled isn't fist and began to rub them

“ i only say another school because you are a very studious student you grades are phenomenal  but what good is  being a genius if you don’t go to school for it i’m just looking for a better future for you”

“well don’t”, he jerked away his hands

“then let me offer another option for you”she pulled out a file filled with documents and placed it in front of tamrin the name of the information on the front read jinki “the night of his death minho-sii brought you back and not jinki but when you arrived with him he brought you to the ER and then left to get jinki-sii but to his surprise he wasn't able to to find the body like he walked off or was taken he looked for a trail of blood even went back into the house but only to find it empty.” taemin's head shot up eyes filled with curiosity

“w..what but at the funeral-”

“it was a closed casket, no one actually saw jinki-sii body after the shooting we mapped out the who are looking in close neighborhoods and draining rivers, asking people who had anything to do with that night but nothing almost as if jinki-sii never had been there” taemin head felt dizzy with all the information he was receiving there was a possibility that jinki was alive.” we have a small force working on this mission mino is the head of the opposition not many believe that jinki is alive so the his task force keeps depleting so i decided to make it a two person mission no one want to keep looking even my son and key have given up on the small hope that he’s alive but relentlessly minho reminds them why they should keep looking but everyone is tired of it. it is a mission now i will recall it but the two shall continue there search” she pases “ i need you, taemin i need you to-”

“yes”

“now there still is a small chance the other dead-”

“i don’t care, there's a small chance he’s alive then i’ll take it no matter who long until i have a body, jinki to me is still alive”

“do are you accepting my offer?”

“yes i wish to renew my contact with the agency”

“very well” mrs. soyoung handed taemin a pen just like the first time he signed this piece of paper his heart was racing and excitement, hope, joy, fear all at once he was experiencing and just a the last time he loved it craved it there was a chance jinki was alive.    

when taemin left the room contact in hand he knew what taemin had chosen he stood from his chair to give taemin a hug but as quickly as he stood it wasn’t as fast as blocked the other hug.

“you knew” his tone was flat and barren

“what do you mean?”

“you knew that they never found his body, and you didn’t tell me”

“taemin i do-”

“don’t talk to me like i’m stupid Mrs. soyoung already told me about the failed mission to find his body”

“taemin honestly we did look everywhere but sometimes you just have to realize when enough is enough we loved jinki to just like you did”

“no you don't you would have searched till the ends of the earth for him but that job doesn't concern you anymore” taemin turned his back to the elder and walked off leaving the guilt to churn keys stomach.

end of flashback    

“taemin, this,” he point to the sleeping body “is not what you agreed on a year ago you just abducted a person, i’m all aboard for you trying to find jinki but you have to run you plans by me and minho you can't just go off kidnapping none targets” jong came behind key and gave him a look that read have some sympathy but key be damned if taemin started to call shot in his group.

“jonghyun no he needs to learn how to take an order and kidnapping a none target that we aren't even sure has something to do wit jinki is not one”

“oh please key hyung or should i be calling you kim kibum i’m sure wouldn’t be saying that the day jong stole you from the house?”

“TAEMIN!” minho blared “APOLOGIZE NOW!”

“no he doesn’t have to minho i can handle this myself if i couldn't take a jab like that then i should’ve just stayed in that hell” key walked over to taemin  “do you feel better insulting me”

“it wasn’t an insult i read it in your profile all of them plenty of times”

“the you should know who i ended up there and who i was constantly , it called child ion jong didn’t take me no he saved me so next time get your facts right” taemin stayed silent “obviously being given personal information hold to be much responsibility for you

“that's not true” ket ignored him and continued one

“information is given to help you in mission not judge others so now i’m only going to say this once you're off jinkis case”

“you can’t do that-”

“no more digging in profiles no more holding non targets jinki would be so dis-”

“jinki,  how dare you even utter a syllable of his name  you gave up on him, jinki would want me to listen to my heart not you”

do remember what happens when you listen and do with our reasoning” taemin opened his mouth and closed it just as quick as it opened. key hated the fact he brought the past up he was trying to teach taemin the exact opposite of what he was doing  but he need d taemin to understand why orders are given and listened to

“2 years” the quite other says

“yes and”

“you want me to give up?”

“no i want you to move on” taemin stood restoring what key had just said to move would mean he accepted jinkis death

“no” that concept of letting jinki go sent chills down his spine taemin left without another word leaving the three in an awkward silence. minho and jong didn’t know what to say to key they both could feel the mixed emotion key was experiencing

“umm, we should uh leave before the captive wakes up” key spoke and then left the two to look at one another.

“you need a batter leash on the kid” jong was the first to speak he walked over to the table filled with paper’s picking them up into a neat piles in his hands.

“Me, who was it that lost their key to the information containment center?, i blame you”

“eh, i blame myself to it’s just” his movements came to halt “ever since jnki died taemins just been…..”

“out of control”

“that and he distant”

“that’s the funny thing he always been distant but i know what you mean i’m surprised taemin had the ball to even bring that up especially to key's face after he woke up from that night he clung to key like a baby” minho walked over toward the door preparing to leave.

“he still does” jong joins him by the exit “when uma doesn’t give him what he wants when he wants it all of jell breaks loose” jong smiles to himself.

“i give it a day befor taemin apologizes”

“3 hours says key gives”  jongs scans his ID card to open the door.

“you’re on” the shook on it  but quickly jumped when another voice enters the conversation.

“who are you?”

i am so sorry you guys i hat to study like crazy  so once again im sorry and here you go