*warning: spoilers will be mentioned*

Hello everyone,

So I decided to advertise this story today because I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm not sure where this A/N will end up but I think I should start off with a trigger warning because I'll probably be talking about mental health at some point.

I'm sure many of you out there also feel similarly, to some degree, because of Jonghyun. The day that he took his life was also the day that I found out I got into my reach school for college, so the news didn't truly hit me until a couple days after. When I saw the videos of his funeral, though, it was like I tripped and fell into a sea of emotion, and I haven't found a way to get up since. SHINee's Sherlock was the very first kpop music video I'd ever watched and I don't know how many of you remember this but, back in the day, before exo had debuted, SHINee was the #1 group to write about on AFF. They are the only group I've ever bought merchandise from, or written fanmail for. They're the reason that I got into writing in the first place, why I found this website, and part of the reason why I managed to channel much of my negative energy in middle school into something better.

Earlier this year, I wrote this blogpost about one of my friends, Nic, to whom this story is now dedicated. (It might help to read that before reading the rest of this because it may not make much sense otherwise).

While I disclosed his story, I haven't yet spoken about something that happened a couple months after, so I'll fill that in quickly so I can completely explain why my mind is where it is. I started my job as a cashier at a restaurant (which I still work at) over the summer. When I took the trash out at night, there was a boy from Chipotle who I would commonly run into because Chopt (where I work) is right next door. Jacob wasn't particularly striking to me at first because he was quite reserved personality-wise, but he did have these beautiful curls that nearly grazed his shoulders and I remember I couldn't stop staring at them. Though he was quiet, I also remember him speaking about how his father was a preacher and sharing some of his musings and speculations with me about the afterlife. I thought it was a bit strange that that was his choice topic of conversation with a random girl (me), but I went along with it. After all, if we were to have any type of conversation at midnight as we made our way to the trash cans under the stars, I suppose it somehow makes sense that they would be spiritual in nature.

He shaved his head a couple weeks after we first met and I was completely struck the first time I saw him without his pretty curls, but I didn't know him well enough to comment on it. I sort of wish I had now, because maybe what he wanted was for someone to notice. A couple days before my birthday, I gave him a high-five and said 'See you later' because I thought that I would. I went to Philly with my family for a couple days for my birthday and I didn't hear what happened to him until I got back. Someone I worked with walked in with bloodshot eyes and I jokingly asked if he was high, but I soon found out that he was crying, because Jacob had killed himself. I won't say how, because it's probably the most graphic thing I've ever heard and I know that some people read on after trigger warnings even when they know they'll be triggered by the content (I also do this), but since this was only a month and a half after Nic, I felt something within me turn completely rotten.

I don't want it to seem like I'm saying that my pain is greater than anyone else's at this point, because I didn't know Jacob very well at all and I'd never seen anymore of Jonghyun than any of his other international fans. My mom told me after Nic that no matter how much I'm hurting, the pain of his family members is 20 times that amount, and I know that's true. I have groundless empathy for everyone who was closer to these boys than I.

All I want to say is that it hurts a lot, and to everyone else out there who is hurting right now: I understand. Please talk to someone if it's ever remotely unbearable (my messages are always open).

Anyways, after all of this, I just wanted to come back to this story for some reason (probably because of Nic). I never read over my own work because I hate seeing my own writing for some reason, but I was somehow compelled to return to the ending of this oneshot. When I wrote it, I was a fourteen-year-old who had never experienced death on such a profound level before in my life, and it almost scares me that the way I wrote Kyungsoo's feelings mirror my current ones so well. I almost don't like how easy it is to write about death without truly experiencing it.

I think this is part of the reason why so many people heard Jonghyun sing "Let Me Out" and didn't understand that it was his cry for help, even though the lyrics explicity state so.

When someone finds their creative platform, like mine with writing or his with singing (not that I even dare to compare my scrappy attempts to string words together with talent like his), an invisible line between creative works and personal life allows the person to be seen as completely separate from their work. When he was truly hurting during his performances of Let Me Out, we all saw it as his great performance abilities because of that line. There's no solution to this, of course; I just thought it was worth pointing out because it's another reason why I find this tragedy so heartbreaking.

Anyways, I digress. Thank you all for taking the time to read this story despite it's age.

Christine