If I Lose You

OMG NO the cliffhanger! I really hope Luhan doesn't die ouo

Okay, anyway . . .

I didn't really understand the description, because "the dead" makes it sound as if there are multiiple people. I don't know how you would fix it though. 

Grammar is good. Change to present tense sometimes when describing things, but it's not distracting. You should still try to find a beta to make it even better. 

Sometimes you use words that don't really fit. For example, you use "coo" a lot. It's a soft and more intimate word and you use it improperly. There were also times when you used "snapped" and "bitter," but I don't think the scene called for those extreme words. (I would give examples, but I can't copy and paste.)

It bothers me whenever people say "Xi Luhan" because that's not his name!! But it's just my personal preference... And is Luhan Chinese here? Because Hani is his sister, but has a Korean name. Also, in Luhan's flashback in chapter seven, you can probably have Hani call him "gege" or "oppa." I don't usually encourage romanization, but it'll flow better than "big brother," especially since you already use "hyung."

I had to do a double take too when you said Xiumin is Chinese. He's the only one whom you made a point to say is Chinese, so is there a significance to this?

There are a lot of subplots, which is good because it adds depth to your story, but they are all too under-developed. The club, kailu's relationship, Yixing's relationship with Luhan and his mom, Hani and Baekhyun . . . you talk about them and they happen, but it's hard for me to see how they really fit together in the big picture. They seem like you just put them there. 

Similarly, Muyoung is another character that kind of just randomly appeared. 

Try to add some more spaces between scenes because right now, it's difficult to tell when one scene ends and the other one begins. You add breaks in between parts in a chapter, but it would be better if there were more (when the scene changes or the point of view changes). I think that it is one scene and then, after a couple of sentences, realize that time has passed and the characters are in a different place. 

Why did Luhan have to get adopted by Yixing? 

Why did Baekhyun get shot?

Overall, I think it's a very promising plot, but it needs to be more developed and in depth.

I hope this made sense and hope that it helps!

Please comment after reading and remember to credit~